by Dyanne Davis
She heard Brandon’s voice outside the door, harsh, cold, not easygoing and warm, the way he’d always been. She heard him turn the knob and swallowed. Suddenly the urge to cry filled her throat. It was going on two years. She had not allowed Brandon to see her cry then and she wasn’t about to do so now.
“Hello, Miss Smith.”
Heaven turned from the wall to stare at him. She gave a smile as his mouth opened wide.
“Heaven?” Brandon looked down at the chart in his hand. “But I thought…there must be some mistake.” His eyes widened in understanding. “Did you give a false name?”
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“You could have called, Heaven. You didn’t have to go through this. I’m busy, I have patients.”
Good, Heaven thought. His brusque treatment of her was what she needed. She hadn’t known how she was going to handle this, but now she did.
“Brandon, I think I’m worth ten minutes of your time. I think the years we spent together entitle me to that.”
“Heaven, we were over two years ago.”
“It doesn’t matter. I never told you what I’m going to tell you now. I think it’s time you heard.”
First Brandon glared at her, then frowned. “Then let’s do this in my office after I’m done with my patients.”
Heaven almost laughed. “Do you seriously think I’m going to wait an hour or two in your office before you come to see me? You think I’m going to give up, or come to my senses and leave, but I’m not. You either go to your office right now with me or we do this here in this room.”
“Have you gone crazy?” He walked over to her and attempted to take her arm. “You know how thin these exam room walls are. What are you looking for, an audience?”
“I’m looking for an answer, Brandon.”
“Why?”
“I never asked and you never told me.”
“And you want to know now? I don’t get it. I have someone else. I don’t want you back, Heaven. It’s over, it’s been over.”
This time Heaven did laugh. “Don’t flatter yourself. I didn’t come here for you. I came for me. It’s taken me this long to realize that we never had the perfect relationship that I thought we had. I haven’t been able to so much as share the dojo with you because of everything I’ve kept inside. You hurt me, Brandon, and you pissed me off. I never told you that. I just accepted your decision and faded quietly into the scenery the way that you wanted. I never got a chance to have my say.”
“Okay, fine, Heaven, I pissed you off. You’ve told me. Now that you’ve gotten that off your chest, will you leave?”
Heaven hopped down from the table. Before she knew what she was doing, she had shoved Brandon into the wall and was jabbing her finger into his chest. “No, I’m not leaving. Why did you do it the way that you did? Why didn’t you tell me you no longer loved me? Why did I have to find out you had someone when I came to visit your office?”
“Heaven, get your finger out of my chest.”
“No.” Heaven gritted her teeth. “You owe me an explanation.”
“You’re only pissed, Heaven, because she’s white. If she were black, you wouldn’t be here right now pulling this crap. Cut the drama. Since when did you start acting like your crazy ass girlfriends? This isn’t you. Someone put you up to this. Who? Latanya, Peaches, or Ongela?”
“No one, Brandon. Don’t you understand? I need to know this for myself.” She shook her head, disappointed in him, disappointed in herself for spending so many years of her life loving him, and another two years hurting.
“Do you really want to know, Heaven?”
“I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.”
“How long did you think I was going to go without sex? I could almost understand when we were in high school that you didn’t want to do it, but after that…My God, Heaven, what were you saving it for? Are you still a virgin?”
Heaven moved away. “Brandon, are you telling me you left me because of sex?”
“That was a big part of it. I grew tired of living like a monk, and I also grew tired of our predictable life, your scheduling everything to death, not spending a dime because we had to save it for our business, not having fun because we had to stay on track. I left you because you were no damn fun. Look at you. It’s taken you two years to get angry over my leaving. What did you do, wake up and have a sudden revelation?”
Heaven blinked. Unlike her, Brandon’s anger was showing in his face. With his high yellow complexion, his face was now blotched and red, his eyes bulging out.
“It didn’t take me two years to get angry, Brandon. I was angry the moment you said it.”
“Then why didn’t you say so then? Why didn’t you tell me how you felt? Why didn’t you ask me to stay? You say you loved me, but Heaven, you loved your plan, our working together. I was only a cog in your plans, the sperm donor for those babies you wanted to have.”
“It wasn’t just me. If you had wanted things to be different, why didn’t you ever say anything? We never once fought over our plans. How was I to know you didn’t want it? How was I to know how you felt? If you were looking around because I wouldn’t sleep with you, you should have just told me that.” Heaven backed away from Brandon. She didn’t like the way her voice was trembling or the sick feeling in her gut. She’d never known he thought she was no fun, that he was only going along with her plans. Oh, God, she thought, feeling sicker. She’d been wrong about their love. “Why didn’t you ever tell me how unhappy you were?” Heaven asked.
“What good would it have done? Would you have said yes and then made me feel guilty about it for the rest of my life?”
“It seems like you have unresolved issues with me also, Brandon. You said I should have said something. It sounds like you were angry as well as unhappy. You never let me know it.”
“Like you said, Heaven, we didn’t fight. It wasn’t our thing. We were in love, remember? Our love had to be perfect. Fighting would spoil it. Making love would have spoiled your perfect vision of being a virginal bride.”
His bitter look felt like a slap to Heaven. She sucked in air as though she were drowning. She blinked to stop the tears. Could she have been so wrong about the two of them for so long?
“I never knew you had a problem with my remaining a virgin until we married. I always thought we were in agreement on that. I never went looking for anyone else,” she said. “I was happy.”
“I wasn’t. And you want to know what else? I fight with Jeannie all the time, ten times a day, and it doesn’t matter. At least I know she’s alive.”
Heaven held her head up high. “You two getting married?”
“Eventually. I love her. She’s my soul mate, Heaven.”
She moved toward the door. “The sensei said I needed to make peace with you, fight with you, whatever. I’ve done that now.”
He was eyeing her strangely. “Does this little visit mean I can come back to the school and not have to act like a thief, sneaking in through the back door when you’re not there?”
Heaven laughed, “You’ve gotten very good at showing your anger, haven’t you?”
“You should try it, Heaven. Believe me, it feels good, and the make-up sex is wonderful.” He gave her a tiny smile. “But I’m sure you still don’t know about that, do you?”
“You’re wrong, Brandon. I do. And that’s another thing. I’m truly glad you and I never made love, considering all that’s happened. I was able to give myself to Hamid knowing he was the first, that I’d not been soiled by you.” She lied, not wanting to hear any more insults about her still being a virgin.
“Hamid? Is he a brother?”
Heaven walked toward the door, then turned around. “What difference does it make?”
“I know Miss-Black-Soul-Sister wouldn’t date anyone other than a black man, not you who dogged my having a white girlfriend.”
“I never said anything to you about her.”
“You didn’t have to say it to me. I�
�ve seen it in your eyes every time you’ve seen us together, and I know your friends. I know you dogged her and me. Now you’re with a…what is he, Arab?”
Heaven shrugged her shoulder before answering. “He’s a man, Brandon. Take care,” she said, and closed the door.
Heaven marched out of the building. Didn’t that just take the cake? she thought. Hamid thought American women were whores, and Brandon thought she was frigid. She was neither. She wanted to have sex so badly that her womb ached. But look what had happened. Brandon had left her for Jeannie, and Hamid was leaving her for his country. She’d made the right choice to keep her drawers on.
* * *
Since he’d gotten his license, something had been wrong with Heaven. She was subdued. It was if someone had closed the drapes on her. She still spent time with him listening to music, eating, going to different churches. You name it, they did it. And they continued to fight. That was the only time Heaven seemed to behave normally.
It was when he’d take her in his arms that he noticed a change. She was pulling away from him; emotionally he could feel it. She was not there, and it made him wonder if she had discovered she didn’t love him.
She told him it was due to her business taking off, but he didn’t believe it. He’d even taken a couple of jobs for her, just to let her know that he supported her business.
Things should have been going well for them, but they weren’t. They were dating, but in dating, they had lost something. He almost wished they had not made it official. The kisses they’d shared only weeks ago were what kept him going. He wanted to find that woman again.
Hamid let out a breath. He didn’t know how Heaven would take it when he told her that he was going to Pakistan. He hoped she would be here when he returned, but he had to go, he had received the coveted prize. Now he had to go home and share that moment with his family. Besides that, another favorite cousin was getting married. Both he and Sassa were expected to attend.
“Heaven, I need to tell you something.”
“I already know.”
“How could you know?” Hamid moved to kiss her but she turned away.
“You’re going to Pakistan. I know.”
It hit Hamid like a titanic gust of wind, nearly knocking him over. He’d told Heaven that when he received his license he’d return to Pakistan. Heaven must think he was leaving her. He had to clear that up.
“Heaven, Sassa and I are returning home for a wedding of a cousin. We’ll return in a couple of months.”
“Whatever.”
“Not whatever. I’m coming back. Do you think I could leave you and have you believe I could live without you? I love you. I want to make you my wife.”
“And live where? You told me your dream was to return home with an American license. Has your dream changed?”
“Not my dream, but my life. You’re a part of my life, Heaven, a very important part.”
“Then don’t go. Don’t leave me, Hamid.”
“Don’t you trust my word to you?”
“No.”
“I’m not Brandon, Heaven. I’m not going to hurt you. I will be back, one month, perhaps, but no more than two.”
“Whatever, Hamid.”
This time he took her into his arms and kissed her hard, trying with his lips and his tongue to show her she owned his heart. Silly woman, there was no way he could leave her forever. He had no idea how he would convince his family that he needed to return to American for an extended period. Nor did he know how he would get out of his commitment to his family to return home, especially since he didn’t want to get out of it, even if he could. It was a matter of honor. Heaven was a matter of his heart. Hamid would have to find a way to have them both. As soon as he could after the wedding, he would return to Heaven and remain, until he could convince her to marry him and move to Pakistan.
* * *
Hamid glanced at Heaven as airport security detained him. He’d wanted to make a grand gesture, show Heaven how much he wanted a future with her. So he’d suggested they fly to San Francisco to visit her father.
Now he stood there being humiliated as first one airport official, then another, checked him over. Their hands brushed his genitals. Hamid pulled back, anger flaring rapidly. Pigs, he thought. This only gave them license for their sickness.
He glanced toward Heaven. She was pleading with her eyes. When her mouth opened, he wanted to warn her but didn’t have a chance.
“Hamid,” she said softly, looking at him. “It will be over in a moment.” He shook his head at the flicker of recognition that crossed the security guards’ faces. They seemed to swivel around in slow motion. Hamid knew what was coming next.
He saw surprise widen Heaven’s eyes as she was led away. He saw her gaze land on him as she tried to smile. Hamid watched helplessly, as a wand was passed through Heaven’s legs repeatedly. The woman examining her appeared to take perverse pleasure in touching Heaven’s breasts, going so slowly that when his eyes connected with Heaven’s at last, he saw the tears that glimmered like diamonds in their depth. A part of Hamid died then. It was one thing to have to endure this himself, quite another to have to witness Heaven going thorough it.
As the woman readied her hands for another pass at Heaven’s breasts, Hamid jerked away, went, and stood in front of Heaven. “That’s enough,” he said defiantly.
“Hamid, don’t,” Heaven pleaded. Her hand was reaching out to touch him when a male officer pushed her back. Red hot rage filled Hamid as he swiveled to confront the man.
“Hamid, don’t please. It’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay. He was a man and she was his woman. She was not to be treated like a chattel. Hamid hated it. He hated the terrorist acts that had been perpetrated across the entire world, not just in America. If he had a way to stop it, he would. It was not just Americans who had died in terrorist attacks, and it was not just Middle Easterners who had committed those acts.
“Take your hands off her,” Hamid said, all the anger in him fueling his words. He said it with deadly calm, no longer giving a damn if they tossed him out of the country forever. He would not stand by and allow this indignity to take place, not to Heaven.
The guards were looking at him. He could see the fear in their eyes. That was good, they should fear him. But it was Heaven who broke his heart.
“Hamid, it’s okay. They have to make sure the plane is safe. It’s all because of Homeland Security, Hamid. It’s just because of 9/11. It’s not personal.”
Hamid couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He swung his gaze to Heaven in disbelief. “Do you think that only Arab citizens have blood on their hands? Heaven, look at you. Did your ancestors come to America on cruise ships? Were they invited? Were they allowed to leave when they wanted to go? Don’t you think America has bloody hands for that? And what about the so-called savages that lived here before this land became America? They were called heathens and devils. Why, Heaven? Because they wanted to protect what was theirs, their land, their women, their children, their way of life. You don’t think there is blood there?”
“Hamid, let’s talk about this later,” Heaven pleaded. Her eyes closed and she nodded toward the guards. Hamid’s gaze followed her. Did she think he gave a damn that the guards heard what he was saying?
Hamid glared at Heaven and the guards. “Everyone in America is angry and suspicious of anyone from an Arab nation, whether that person abhors the acts or not. I don’t agree with the acts of violence, Heaven, but I can understand some of the thinking behind it.
“Hamid, please,” Heaven warned again, and again Hamid ignored her warning, now angry with her also.
“Don’t you think I know that was part of the reason you didn’t want to date me? Do you think I believed that nonsense that you date only black men? Of course there are differences, but you assumed many things about me.”
Heaven was released. “And you assume many things about me.” She glanced at the guard and walked toward Hamid. T
hey walked a few steps away and then she turned to him.
“I didn’t base my not wanting to date you on a war, on the blood of either of our countries. I may have assumed things, but that doesn’t mean that was the reason for my refusal to date you. Initially I worried about a culture clash, a personal matter, not a global one.”
“If that were true, Heaven, why did you so easily accept the guard’s treatment? You’re American; you think your country has clean hands.”
“I’ll be the first person to tell you America has blood on her hands, but so does your country. What are you going to do, blame me for the way we were treated here today? And don’t forget, Hamid, I was treated badly as well. Do you think I liked it any better not being able to help you? I may be a woman, but I want to protect you as much as you want to protect me.”
“You will not emasculate me, Heaven. It is not your job to protect me; it is my job to protect you.” Hamid started walking. He was too angry to continue talking to her as they walked to the gate, too angry when they loaded the plane, and even more furious when the plane landed in San Francisco.
What could he offer Heaven in this country, and what, he wondered, could he offer her in his own? Would she be any safer there than he was here?
They waited in silence for Heaven’s luggage. Hamid had only an overnight bag.
“Hamid, you couldn’t do anything.”
“And you think that makes me feel better about it? You don’t understand, Heaven, how belittling it is to a man not to be able to protect the woman he loves.” He grabbed her hand and pulled her to him. “Why would you respect me when I can’t do that? Why would you love a man you don’t respect? Is that the reason you’ve never told me that you love me?”
He put a finger to her lips to still her words. “Don’t tell me now, Heaven. I won’t believe you. I’ve never asked for your pity, only your love, and right now there is so much pity in your eyes that I’m drowning in it.”
He picked up her bag from the carousel and marched out the door.
Heaven watched Hamid as he walked away from her. The incident at the airport had angered her also, but she wasn’t angry enough to jeopardize Hamid’s freedom. Yes, they’d overdone it. Yes, they had no right to touch either of them in the manner they had. With the new heightened state of security, their rights were being stripped away daily.