by Dyanne Davis
Heaven closed her eyes and sank against her husband. Fighting pain, her heart breaking, she whispered, “So this is love.” She opened her eyes and stared at Hamid through the tears. Compromise or sacrifice, this too was a part of love. “Can I at least come downstairs?”
“I would prefer it if you didn’t. But I won’t try to stop you if you give me your word that you will say goodbye on the porch.” To his surprise, Heaven smiled.
“You’re just going to have to trust me,” Heaven said, and went down the stairs.
Hamid took a quick look around the apartment that he’d come to think of as home. Few of his personal belongings were there, but the one thing that was the closet to his heart was. And it was killing them both for him to leave. One last look and he followed his wife.
Sassa was standing outside the car waiting, staring up at them. For a long moment, no one spoke, as if by agreement. Then they all began to play their parts. Sassa got into the car and Hamid took Heaven into his arms.
He held her close to his body, kissed her lightly on the lips. He felt her body start to tremble. It was now or never. “I’ll talk to you soon,” he said. Heaven nodded her head, her eyes brimming with tears. He understood her inability to speak. He pulled away from her and tried to ignore the fact that her body was shaking as if she’d suddenly developed some dreaded disease. He licked his lips in order to speak. “Are you going to be okay?” This time she didn’t nod her head, just stared at him with the tears streaming down her face.
He should have asked her not to cry, he thought, and blinked before turning and bolting down the stairs without reaching to comfort his wife or tell her that he loved her. She knew that already, and she knew if he touched her again, he would not have the strength to do what had to be done. “Drive,” he ordered Sassa the moment he was in the car. He didn’t look back but closed his eyes.
“Is she going to be okay?”
“You’re worrying about the wrong one, Sassa.”
Chapter Twelve
If someone had told her that, in the space of six weeks, she would become little more than a zombie, Heaven would not have believed them. But that was exactly what had happened. Hamid had been gone for six weeks. And all she seemed able to do was call him, wait for his next call, read his letters, or write him her own letters. Her every thought was of her husband. They were at the halfway mark, six weeks left to go. Heaven wondered how on earth they would continue this way for a lifetime.
A pile of mail lay in front of Heaven, half checks, half bills. The accountant had called to tell her that she needed to get the checks to him so he could meet payroll. Twice she’d started and twice she’d not been able to finish. Since Hamid had returned to Pakistan, Heaven had been unable to concentrate. His promise to call her was not a promise easily kept. She didn’t blame him, but it was hard just the same. The times they talked were almost as painful as their parting had been.
A pink envelope caught her eye and she picked it up. There were foreign stamps on it and a name that she didn’t know, but it was from Pakistan.
Heaven opened the envelope, curious to know who was writing her.
Dear Sister,
Welcome to the family. I am Fatima. Surely my brother has spoken of me. My brother has told us much about you. We would like to plan a party for the two of you. Please tell us when you will come here to your new home. Everyone is waiting to give you a proper welcome. Abba is upset with Hamid that he did not bring you. So I have decided that maybe what you need is an invitation from your new sister, to let you know how much you are welcomed. You are loved by us because you are loved by my brother. I hope to meet you soon.
Much Love
Fatima
Heaven smiled. The first smile she’d had since Hamid had left. Pulling out pen and paper she immediately wrote a letter to her new sister, liking the idea of having one. After all the things Hamid had told her about Fatima, Heaven was anxious to meet her. She issued an invitation to the entire family to come to America.
The letter from Fatima was the catalyst that got Heaven moving again. She was aware she couldn’t sit in a chair and just wait for Hamid to return; even he’d known that. He’d told her to go out with her friends. She’d tried, but listening to the blues with Ongela and Peaches had reduced her to a blubbering mess. She hadn’t wanted to do it again. It seemed everything she did made her think of Hamid, as if her life had only started the day she met him. Latanya had tried to get her out of her stupor by advising her that her dream, her business, was going to go down the toilet if she didn’t refocus her energies.
That was what Heaven was trying to do now, refocus. At the dojo the sensei had taken her aside to tell her to cut it out. No preamble, just cut it out. It had been the kick in the butt she’d needed. Heaven went through the bills finally and organized them, and then she signed the checks and put them into a manila envelope for the accountant.
She checked the clock, deciding to ignore that it was three A.M. in Pakistan. She called Hamid’s cell.
“Hello my beautiful wife. I was just dreaming of you,” he answered the phone. And just like that, her day was made brighter. She talked to Hamid until the ache in her heart receded. He loved her and was miserable. That knowledge made her smile; she selfishly wanted her husband to be miserable without her. Several minutes later she told him that she loved him and that he could go back to sleep. She smiled, knowing he would wait until the early morning hour to call her back. It would be payback, but a very sweet payback.
* * *
Each time Hamid returned to America was like the first time he’d returned right before they got married. Three months in Pakistan, one in America, and then it would start all over again.
The third time Hamid left the leaving wasn’t as hard, and that had Heaven worried. She didn’t want them to become used to being separated.
She was wondering if Hamid was as lonely as he’d been in the beginning. She knew she was. But she was trying to survive, not have him worrying about her the entire time he was away from her.
Her business was good. But it was not her business she wanted in bed at night. Still, Heaven had the routine down to a science. It had been almost a year. Three times Hamid had returned to Pakistan, and three times he’d returned to her. But this time there was something different in his leaving, a kind of resolve, and she thought it was easier for him to leave than before. Their anniversary would fall two days after his flight back to Pakistan. It annoyed Heaven that her husband had not done better planning.
“I am going with Sassa for a few hours to talk with the uncles. I’ll be back shortly.” Hamid was standing near her desk and not looking directly at her.
Heaven looked at Hamid but didn’t answer. He had every right to see his family and friends when he returned to America. She had no right to try and stop him, and she wouldn’t; only she didn’t want him to want to leave her.
For the longest time they stared at each other until Hamid blew out a breath, looking defeated. He shook his head slightly and bit down on his bottom lip as if he wanted to say something. But he didn’t, just turned and left the apartment.
Instant clarity hit Heaven. She would not allow this to go on. This was not the marriage she wanted, seeing her husband for a month at a time.
Fear skittered down her spine, but she refused to allow it to take hold. Before she could change her mind, Heaven was on the phone calling a friend, then calling her clients, her accountant, and her employees. Next, she called the health department about the Hepatitis A and the Typhoid shots and the malaria pills she knew she would have to take.
Then she called the airlines. It was time to redeem that ticket. She was going to Pakistan with Hamid. She muttered a prayer that she was making the right choice. She was planning to be there for three months. She would remain there with Hamid until he returned. At least then, they would have four months together as man and wife. She would get to spend her first anniversary in her husband’s arms.
* * *
Hamid paced back and forth, feeling as though he’d aged ten years in the twenty-one days he’d been in America. “This is getting to be way too hard.” Hamid looked at Sassa. “Maybe Heaven was right. Maybe we should have given this more thought.”
“Are you no longer in love with her?” Sassa asked.
“I think she may no longer be in love with me. Why does she continue to allow me to leave her here? Why hasn’t she once mentioned that she would like to see Pakistan with me, Sassa? We promised to compromise, but it is I who appears to be doing all of the compromising. I sit there alone waiting for her letters, which have become fewer and fewer, I might add. In the beginning, she would call me in the middle of the night and she would awake when I called her, eager to hear my voice. It seems I spend a lot of my time waiting for calls that never come. I think if I never called Heaven, she wouldn’t notice. And when we’re together, it is no longer as it was.”
“Are the two of you fighting more than usual?” Sassa asked.
“No, we don’t fight at all. We talk to each other like polite strangers. She no longer cries when I leave her to return. She doesn’t even bother to come to the porch. Do you remember the first time? I felt her pain until the moment I landed and even after. Now there is nothing but dead silence between us.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I have no idea. Reason tells me to release her, to allow her to seek her happiness with another man. My heart says I would rather die first.”
“Hamid, it would seem you are still faced with the same choice. And as I told you earlier, it is up to you. I will pray that you will make the right decision.”
“I already have.” Hamid closed his eyes for a second, prayed, and then opened them. “When I return to America, it will be to remain. I will not leave my wife again.”
“And your vow?”
“What of it?” Hamid sighed. “I will dishonor my father by breaking it, but I will break it.”
“Have you told this to Heaven?”
“No.”
“What if she doesn’t want you to break your vow?”
“Like you said, Sassa, the choice is mine to make, not Heaven’s.”
“Then at least talk to her. Tell her that you plan to be a fulltime husband. That will take a bit of adjusting.”
“Are you saying that she likes having me gone?” Hamid’s nostrils flared.
“You’re the one that’s questioning her feelings for you. I’m just voicing what you think.” Sassa shrugged. “I didn’t tell you, Isha is going to have a baby.” Sassa’s face beamed. “I’m going to be a father.”
Hamid pounded his cousin on the back, hugging and kissing him, envious that he was not with his wife long enough to make a baby, wishing he had the same kind of news, wondering why he didn’t. He’d never spoken to Heaven about not using birth control. He was against it and didn’t want to get into a fight with her over it, knowing that with her feminist views she would spout off things about it being her body. So he’d avoided the conversation. And he had no babies planted in Heaven’s womb to show for it.
Hamid wished that he’d not gone to Sassa. His cousin never failed to be honest with him, a trait he admired and yet hated at the same time. He went into the apartment for the first time since their marriage feeling like a stranger. Everything in the apartment belonged to Heaven. They had bought no furniture together, no dishes, not even food. When he came home, the cupboards were well stocked, and while he slept she refilled them.
This place was only a place he came to visit once every three months to hold his wife in his arms, to make love to her and to return to his homeland.
A sadness came over Hamid as he thought how the apartment he shared with his wife was little better than a hotel lately. Nothing other than Heaven’s presence in it spoke of home to him. He’d asked her once why she didn’t wake him to go with her to the market and she’d smiled and said she liked doing it alone.
Hamid didn’t know if Heaven needed the time to be away from him, so he hadn’t pushed it. A lump formed in his throat. This life was not working, and the fate he’d praised was being unnecessarily cruel.
* * *
Heaven packed her bags in record time and put them away until the time was right. She had no idea of the type of clothing she would need in Pakistan, but she was going. It was done. She watched Hamid as he came in and she winced at the tiredness around his eyes. He looked at her, barely smiling, and sat across from her.
“What would you like to do before I leave? I should have thought of the date of our anniversary and planned more carefully. I’m sorry, but the price of the ticket…” Hamid stopped, embarrassed. Money had not been the reason, and he was aware that she knew that. He’d just forgotten. This traveling back and forth, always bartering with another doctor to cover the clinic, was having a tremendous effect on him. Hamid felt as if he’d been reduced to begging.
“I’d like to go and listen to some blues if you feel up to it. As for our anniversary, don’t worry about it,” Heaven said.
He stared at her. Surely this, more than anything else, told him her feelings for him had changed. Don’t worry about our anniversary. Hamid swallowed and closed his eyes. The habit of not saying the important things was getting to be too much for him.
They went to the club and spent the next week together in spurts. Heaven was so busy working that Hamid wondered why he’d bothered coming to visit. When the day finally arrived and it was time to leave, Hamid looked at Heaven and wondered if she would cry this time.
“I called a limo. Sassa has to work. Do you need anything before I go? Money or anything?”
Heaven was smiling. Allah, no, he thought. She was happy that he was leaving. He went to the room to get his luggage and stopped at the sight of two more bags on the bed. Where was Heaven going, he wondered.
“Hamid, don’t forget my bags,” Heaven said, coming up behind him.
“Where are you going?” He turned to her, not hoping, just waiting.
“Where do you think, silly? I’m going with you.”
Before she could finish the statement, he had her in his arms twirling her around in disbelief. “You’re coming to Pakistan?”
“Yes.”
“When, why?”
“Because I can’t stand this. It’s killing me to stay away from you. This isn’t working, Hamid, not like this, and besides, it doesn’t feel much like a compromise.”
“Did you talk to Sassa?”
“Sassa? What are you talking about?” Heaven tilted her head.
“Never mind. You’re really going? How long?”
“Three months. I’m staying until you’re ready to return.”
“Three months? What will happen with your business?”
Heaven took in a breath and looked at her husband. “What will happen to us if I don’t?”
“You’ve felt it?”
“Yes.”
“Do you still love me, Heaven?” Hamid held her eyes for a second. “It hasn’t felt like it for some time. You stopped crying when I left.” He smiled. “Not that I wanted to have your tears be the last thing I remembered, but…”
“I know. You just wanted to know I cared. I was beginning to wonder too, Hamid. You don’t hold me as tightly. You don’t look as if you heart is breaking to leave me.”
“But it was.”
She shrugged. “Either way, I thought it best for us, for our marriage, for me to go to Pakistan. You’re important to me, Hamid, too important for me not to try. You’re my husband. I intend to keep it that way.” She paused before picking up her luggage from the bed. “Have you kept your vow, Hamid?”
For a moment he didn’t understand. Then it hit him. “Heaven, if you’re coming with me because you don’t trust me…”
“No.”
“I haven’t dishonored you. You do not have to come with me to ensure that.” A sudden burning filled his chest. As much as he wanted his wife to accompany him, he did not want her thinking he’d de
filed their marriage bed.
“I’m tired of not being with you.” Heaven shrugged her shoulders and smiled at him. “I want to be with you.”
“You’re giving up an awful lot to come with me.”
“I gave up more having you leave me. I love you, Hamid.”
Hamid brought Heaven’s hands to his lips and kissed them. His heart was too full for words. Then he remembered. “Heaven, you need shots. As much as I want you to come with me, I want you protected. You’ll have to take a later flight.” Damn fate, he thought.
“You’ve forgotten I’m a nurse, Hamid. I went to the health department a week ago for the shots, and I’ve been taking the malaria pills since then.”
“Is that why you were complaining of an upset stomach a couple of nights ago?”
“It could have been that, or the side effects from the typhoid shot.” She smiled at him. “But it’s getting better.”
“Do you have enough pills to take the entire time we will be gone, and for a month after we return?”
“Yes, Hamid.”
“I just want to be sure. I don’t want to risk your health.”
“Neither do I.”
“I can’t believe you planned all of this.”
“The moment I knew we needed this, yes, I planned it.”
Hamid kissed her forehead. “I love you, Heaven, thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m coming because I can’t stand it anymore. Being away from you for so long is killing me and you, and it’s tearing our marriage apart.”
Hamid grabbed the bags from her and carried them down the stairs. When the last bag was in the limo, he placed a call to Sassa.
“My wife is coming to Pakistan with me.”
“I know,” Sassa answered.
“When did she tell you?”
“A few days ago. She called, said you were in the shower and told me she was going with you, that it was a surprise. I guess you have your answer, Hamid. She does love you and wants your marriage to succeed.”