by Dyanne Davis
“I knew he made you happy. I see how you always look at him, how you touch him in secret when you think no one is watching. And I see Hamid, how he watches you when you cross the room, when you drink tea. In everything you do my brother’s eyes are always on you. I can see in his eyes how much he loves you. We all know the excuses he makes to touch you when he pretends to help you. He will do anything to touch you and when he does, the two of you look at each other the way couples do in the movies. You make me believe in love. I think I would do anything to feel that way.”
For the space of a breath, neither Heaven nor Fatima spoke. Then Heaven noticed a serious look cross Fatima’s features. “Can I tell you a secret?” Fatima asked.
Heaven was positive Fatima was going to confess to being lesbian. “Sure, go ahead,” she said, “I won’t tell.”
“Not even Hamid?”
“Nah, not even Hamid.”
“I’ve eaten pork.”
Heaven blinked. Her new sister was full of surprises. For a second Heaven didn’t know whether Fatima wanted something from her, or just to say the words aloud. Who better to say them to than to a pork eater? Heaven shook her head and smiled. “Did you like it?”
“Very much.”
“Fatima, when did you do this? When you went on holiday with your friend?” Heaven asked, guessing at the answer. Now Heaven had to meet Fatima’s friend.
“Yes, we were in London. I ordered every pork product on the menu, we both did, and we both liked it.”
“Are you still eating pork?”
“Nah, I said too many prayers afterward; it’s not worth the worry. Do you want to know what else we do?”
Heaven gave the question serious consideration. “I’m not sure I do.”
“Why?”
“Because there is only so much I want to keep from Hamid. And I don’t want to betray your secrets, so maybe that’s enough for now.”
“My friend and I have dated non-Muslim men and we—”
“Enough.” Heaven cut her off, knowing where this conversation was heading.
“Why are you so embarrassed?” Fatima laughed. “You should understand.”
“You thought I would understand because I’m married to Hamid?”
“Yes. It’s different being with someone who’s not like you; it’s exciting.”
“I guess that’s where we differ. I wasn’t looking for excitement when I met Hamid. I didn’t want anyone different.”
“But you married Hamid twice.”
“I fell in love with Hamid and I respect him. That is why I would be uncomfortable keeping secrets from him. So from here on out, nothing that you say is going to be a secret.”
“Are you going to tell Hamid?”
“Not the things I’ve given my word not to mention, but I’m not giving you a promise on keeping more secrets, Fatima. Hamid and I have enough problems already.”
“If you’re angry with him, why are you worried about keeping secrets from him? You behave more like a Muslim than I do. You’re obedient to your husband.”
Now it was Heaven’s turn to laugh. “Fatima, Hamid and I had a fight, but it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped loving him or that anything’s changed with us. You should try sharing some of these secrets with Hamid, and then the three of us would know.” Heaven smiled. “Just don’t tell him anything about your love life. I don’t think he would be able to handle that.”
“How do you and Hamid get around your faith?”
“We don’t get around it. We respect each other and our faith is a part of us, so we respect that.” Heaven rubbed her chin and stared at Fatima. She was the one Heaven would miss the most when she left Pakistan.
She licked her lips, wanting her words to come out right, not wanting to offend or preach but wanting to answer Fatima’s question. “I’ve always tried to respect other faiths and their manner of worship. I’ve always thought we were all heading for the same destination, just taking different paths to get there.”
“Do you adhere to everything your faith tells you?”
“Nah,” Heaven admitted honestly. “I’m not wired that way. I can’t blindly accept things that I question. And I question many things about my faith. So I believe more in having a personal relationship with God, asking and listening for the answers.”
“So if you question your faith, maybe you can become Muslim. Hamid would love that.”
“He probably would,” Heaven laughed again, “but like I said, I can’t do things blindly just because everyone else is doing it. It has to make logical sense for me. I suppose that’s why I respect the faith of others. If I question my own faith, how can I judge anyone else’s? I think people have a right to worship God in the manner they chose, or not worship. It’s their choice.”
“So why not Islam for you?”
“Because I believe in Jesus.”
“Oh, that’s a little thing; maybe we can work it in.”
“That’s a big thing,” Heaven laughed. “A really big thing, no changing, no compromising.”
“Anything else?” Fatima asked.
“Probably, but when people start talking about the differences in their beliefs it gets wacky.”
“That happens with everything, even about putting curry into food.” Fatima gave Heaven a look and they both started to laugh, remembering the fight.
“See what I mean? We were all ready to kill each other over curry powder,” Heaven said.
“Not kill, I don’t like war,” Fatima corrected.
“Neither do I,” Heaven answered, “too many innocent people dying without even knowing why.”
“In Jihad it’s different; people know why they’re fighting.”
“I don’t believe in holy wars, and I don’t believe in Christians or Muslims killing and claiming the victory for God. To me if God welcomed those victories it would make him evil, and I could not worship an evil God.”
“Heaven, you’re strange. Don’t you worry about your soul when you say such things?”
“Apparently not, and Fatima, that is our little secret.” Heaven put her finger to her lips. “Don’t even tell what I just said to God.” Fatima looked serious until she realized Heaven was joking.
“Do you and Hamid talk about faith a lot?” Fatima asked.
“Nah.”
“You and Hamid don’t care about fighting, do you?”
“We love to fight.”
“But not today.”
“Nah, not today. We didn’t fight by the rules.”
“You have rules for fighting?”
“Yeah, I’m supposed to be the last man standing.” Heaven laughed. “Usually we don’t have hurt feelings when we fight. Today we did.”
“I’m going to miss you when you leave, Heaven. I like talking to you.”
“I like talking to you too, Fatima, but it’s not like we won’t see each other again. You and your friend Anjun can come and visit us in Chicago, and we’ll come again to Pakistan.”
For another two hours, Heaven and Fatima sat and talked and, once again, Heaven’s beliefs were proven correct. People were basically the same, wanting the same things, mainly love and a certain amount of freedom to express their wants and needs. Now more than ever Heaven was glad she’d come to Pakistan. She’d always thought she was open, but since meeting Hamid she’d become aware that she had been guilty of a lot of assumptions. No one should assume, Heaven thought.
And when Hamid walked in as Fatima was preparing to leave, carrying a basket of mangoes, she had the same thought. Even Hamid should not assume that his pledge to her would get him out of trouble so easily. After all, it was only fruit. He was going to have to tell her what was going on.
Chapter Eighteen
Hand in hand, Heaven and Hamid walked to the car. The tension between them had eased in the past couple of days, and they were once again comfortable in their silence.
Hamid slid his arm around her waist. “Fatima told me you thought I was angry with you because we’re
leaving soon. That’s not true.”
“Then tell me what’s wrong. There’s been something going on with you for weeks, and if it’s not me you’re angry with, then your getting so angry with me at the clinic doesn’t make any sense.”
“I’m so sorry about all of that. I should have explained everything to you, but I was waiting until things were final. It’s time you know the truth.” Hamid stopped walking and held Heaven’s gaze. “I was never angry with you. I’m not coming back to Pakistan. I’m not going to remain at the clinic.”
“You’re breaking your vow?”
“I have no choice.”
“The baby,” Heaven whispered. She’d almost forgotten, and had not taken a test out of spite. She would have to do that, they needed to know.
“Hamid, I…” she wanted badly to tell him that she didn’t want this for him, that she didn’t want him to be with her. But she didn’t know how to tell that lie. It was way too big. “Hamid, I don’t want you hating me for this decision. How can you be happy about a baby that forced you to break your vow?”
“This has nothing to do with the baby. I decided more than three months ago, before you surprised me and accompanied me. I knew that I could not take this any longer. Seeing you for a month here and there, it wasn’t working. I love you. My vow now is to you.”
“What about Abba and Ammi and your family?”
“That’s the good thing about families. In time they forgive, and they forget your transgressions. They will be hurt, but they will not stop loving me, I’m sure of that.”
“Is that why Abba was looking sort of sad tonight?”
“I’m not sure. I think maybe he wants his grandson born here.”
“You told them,” Heaven gasped. “Hamid, what if I’m not?”
“But you will be one day, and I want to be involved in every moment of your pregnancy. I will not be in another country while you have our baby alone.”
“Hamid, are you certain? If not, I promise we can work something out. I can come here and stay for a few months just like I did now. Maybe we can spend six months here and six months there.”
“Heaven, nah.” He shook his head. “This is not up for negotiation. No compromise. I want to spend all my nights and days near you, in our bed. I made this decision, Heaven, not you. I didn’t make it because of you, but because of me. I will not ever lay blame for this decision on your doorstep. You don’t have to worry about that.”
She stared at him. “I’m sorry for what I said about the clinic and my not wanting to work with you.”
“Did you mean it?”
“I had been working toward having a partnership with Brandon. That was my dream for years. It was what we,” she smiled, “it was what I planned for. I saved every dime for it, and would have been still saving if he hadn’t decided that he no longer wanted me or my plans, that he wasn’t in love with me.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t dump him, Hamid, he dumped me.”
“And you were sad that he dumped you?”
“I was, then I got angry. It’s not a good feeling being dumped.”
He held her hands in his. “Do you love him still, Heaven?”
“Of course not. It’s been a long time since I loved him.”
“You told me that things were settled between you months ago, that you no longer hated him. Do you still hate him?”
“No, I’m not angry with him any longer. I was honest with you about that. I let that go and realized that if things hadn’t happened as they had I would not have been available for my true prince.” She stood on tiptoe and kissed him. “And you are my true prince. Why did you think I wanted Brandon’s baby?”
“I guess I was hurt that you weren’t happy.” He grinned. “We’re going to have a beautiful little baby with twists.” He touched Heaven’s hair.
“After hours in a salon,” Heaven laughed. “Come on, Hamid, let’s go home.”
The ride home was filled with promises, and when they arrived home, Hamid turned the covers on the bed, glanced at Heaven and smiled as she shook her head no. “I want to sleep under the stars,” she said. “Until we leave I want to make love with the open sky above and wake to the sun shining on our faces.”
She waited until he went into the shower and then she followed him. This was the way for them to put their argument behind them for good. They’d let their angry words go down the drain with the dirty water. Heaven climbed in, content to be with her husband. And later, after they made love under the stars, she lay back while her husband rested his head on her belly, cooing to someone who might or might not be. Her hand was tangled in his hair and a smile was on her lips.
“I have the name for our first two babies.”
“First two?” Heaven asked. “How many are we having?”
“I’m not sure.”
“What are the names?”
“Fabanna and Tsukama.”
“Suppose you tell me where you came up with those names and what they mean.”
“Don’t you remember?” Hamid asked. “When we went to the DuSable Museum, they were listed as the names of two of the slaves on the Amistad ship.”
“How did you remember that?”
“I wrote it down. I knew we would need the names one day.”
Heaven laughed. “I still don’t know what they mean.”
“Fabanna means remember, and Tsukama means learner.”
“Are they names for males or females?”
“It won’t matter. Do you agree to the names?” Hamid nibbled her stomach and she laughed.
“Yes, husband, I agree.”
* * *
The sun definitely shone brighter in Pakistan, or maybe it was that Heaven had never slept outdoors in Chicago. Either way, it was definitely a different way to wake each morning. This morning Heaven didn’t feel her husband’s body pressed against her. She rolled over and still didn’t feel him. Her eyes flew open. “Hamid,” she called.
He appeared moments later with a robe for her and a smile.
“I made breakfast. I wanted to eat with you before I leave.”
“Let me shower, give me five minutes,” Heaven said, slipping her arm into the robe, then kissing Hamid quickly and running into the shower.
When she arrived fully dressed in the kitchen, she was expecting the look from Hamid, the one that said, ‘You don’t have to.’
“Heaven.”
“I want to. Saddia needs my help, so do you. Just let it be clear that you will not yell at me or anyone else there today. We’re all doing our jobs, okay?”
“You don’t have to.”
“I know that, Hamid. When have I ever done anything that I didn’t want to do?”
“Never,” he answered truthfully. “Today we will start a new plan. We will not work such crazy hours.” He laughed. “I didn’t know I could be such a hard taskmaster.”
“Neither did I,” Heaven answered and kissed him. “Now let’s go to work and behave like normal people.” She kissed him again, leaning against his broad chest when he reached out an arm and pulled her to him. Regardless of what fate threw at them, they would be fine, she thought.
And two days later, they found they were not going to be parents, not yet anyway. They consoled themselves in each other’s arms, knowing that babies were in their future and that they would be ready for them.
* * *
There were only two days left in Pakistan, and Heaven was feeling almost sad to be leaving. She’d made new family and friends, and she would miss them. But she thought of her friends waiting for her in America and she couldn’t deny that she couldn’t wait to go home to Chicago.
The goodbye party was in full swing. Heaven smiled at the dishes the women had made. East met West and they compromised, Heaven thought. The dishes were things they all enjoyed.
Family was family regardless of the culture, laughing, dancing, singing, eating, and telling tall tales. There was sadness for their leaving but joy that they’d found each other. Heaven turn
ed from her musing as her father-in-law clapped his hands for attention.
“Hamid and Heaven, our new daughter. We are so honored to have finally met you and wish you could remain here forever, but accept that it’s not to be. You are welcome here always; this is now your home.
“Hamid, I release you from your vow to the clinic. You have fulfilled your promise. You have done all that is required. Sometimes parents ask things of their children they have no right to, and I asked that of you simply because I wanted to keep you near me. The clinic will survive, Hamid, but you, my son, will not if you have to keep dividing your time between your vows. It is never right for a man to be separated from his wife. When you marry, your wife is your responsibility. You must cleave unto her as she cleaves unto you.”
He smiled at Heaven. “As your wife said in her vow to you, Hamid, my son, let her people be your people and her land your land. Where she lodges, there you should lodge also. Follow your wife and be happy.”
Everyone fell silent for a time. “When there are babies,” Abba continued, “all that I ask is that you bring them so we may kiss their cheeks and that they may know us.”
Heaven sat stunned, watching her husband’s eyes fill with tears. She watched as he embraced his father, then his brothers and his mother and sisters. Heaven recognized the significance of the moment. They were all releasing Hamid to her. Tears streamed down her cheeks as well.
“Heaven, you are a true gift for my son. I have seen that you love him as much as he loves you. You have both chosen wisely. When you leave for America, you leave with our blessings.”
“Thank you, Abba,” Heaven said and bowed her head slightly before kissing his cheeks.
* * *
When he was able to steal a few minutes away from everyone, Hamid approached his father. “Abba, I told you Heaven’s cycle came, that she isn’t having a baby.”
“Or maybe she was, but the hard hours were too much.”
“Please don’t make me feel guilty for this, Abba. I’ve thought of this myself. Why did you release me in front of everyone when you knew I was breaking my vow?”
“Call it a father’s gift to his favorite son.” He laughed. “I want you to know you have always made me proud. Your brothers have only teased you because it bothered you. They have always been proud of you. In fact, your brothers came to me and asked that I release you from your vow. They didn’t know about the baby, but they saw the pain in your eyes and your love for Heaven. And they saw the same thing in her.