Crimson and Clover

by Juli Page Morgan

“Yeah, please.” Jay caught the cigarettes Adam tossed to him, but the lighter bounced off his fingers and skittered along the floorboards. With a sigh, Jay got up to retrieve it.

  “It’s out of tune.” Adam nodded toward the guitar again. “But I assume you remember how to fix that.”

  “Don’t be too sure,” Jay muttered, but since he was up, he decided to get the instrument. He returned to the couch and sat down. “Ouch, dammit!”

  “What?”

  “I think I broke my arse on your hard couch, that’s what.”

  Adam laughed while Jay lit a cigarette with one hand, brushing away dust from the guitar’s surface with the other. He left the cigarette in his mouth, squinting his eye against the rising smoke, and strummed his fingers across the strings. His other eye squinted in a wince at the sound and his hand went immediately to the tuning pegs. “How old are these strings, anyway?”

  “Not very.” Adam poked at the logs in the fireplace and the flames rose a bit higher. “I bought it just before I went to the States.”

  Jay took a drag from the cigarette before placing it in an ashtray. “Why?”

  Adam shrugged. “I dunno. I do know a few chords, you know. And without you around, I’ve found I need to write music to go with my lyrics more times than not.”

  “Didn’t think about that.” Jay bent his head to the guitar and began tightening the strings, listening for the right pitch. Once the guitar was tuned to his satisfaction, he played a few chords to get the feel of the instrument. The fingers of his left hand cried out in protest and he muttered curses under his breath at the realization that the calluses on the pads of his fingers were almost gone. He tightened his lips and kept playing, determined to begin building them up again.

  “‘Smoke on the Water’?” Adam snorted with laughter and started singing. “Slooowww motion Walter … The fire engine guy.”

  The music ended in a discordant jangle. Jay looked up, laughing and shaking his left hand — evidently his muscles had joined the calluses on vacation. “That a sample of the lyrics you’re writing?”

  “I can’t take credit for that one. Heard it from Nicky.”

  “Nicky? How is he?” Jay set the guitar aside and picked up his cigarette. With a sudden rush of pleasure, he realized he felt better than he’d felt in … well, years. Coming to see Adam was the best idea he’d had.

  “Doing well. He and Stuart have put together a band called Major Trouble.”

  “And George?”

  Adam shook his head and pitched his cigarette butt into the fire. “I’ve not heard from him. But to be honest, I think George was relieved when it was over. I think it was getting too intense for him there toward the end.”

  “I think you’re right.” Jay nodded in agreement. “He never wanted to be a rock star; he just wanted to play music.”

  “Yeah. He was fine with going home to Carol and just enjoying the bread he’d saved. Oh, by the way.” Adam grinned. “Nicky and Maureen patched things up.”

  “Yeah?” Jay felt a pleased smile curve his lips. “I’m glad. I hated it when they split up.”

  “Me, too.” Adam lit another cigarette. “And Stuart’s getting married to a girl called Amy. So that leaves me the odd one out, the only single Knight.”

  “Huh.” Jay picked up the guitar and idly plucked the strings. “Once Katie finishes handing me my head on a plate, I’ll probably be joining you.”

  Adam chuckled. “Don’t count on it. She’ll rip you a new one, but she’ll keep you.”

  “You seem pretty sure.” Jay kept his eyes on the guitar. “I don’t know how she can possibly forgive what I did.”

  Adam leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “For one thing, she loves you. She told me she does and I can’t see why she’d lie. And for another, she’s not unreasonable. Sure, you did her a dirty turn, but once you tell her why you did it … ”

  Jay sighed. He’d known the subject would come up and had thought himself prepared to deal with it. But he discovered all his careful words of explanation had faded like so much vapor. If he couldn’t explain to Adam, then what the hell was he going to tell Katie? “I don’t know why. I’m sure I had a million good reasons, but I’m damned if I remember what they were.” His hands stroked the guitar and he found a measure of peace in the familiar feel of the strings and wood. He picked out a subdued version of the intro to “Imperial Jade” without thinking. “It hit me hard when the band broke up. For the first time in ten years no one needed me as far as music went. Then Katie was busy with MKS where she really didn’t need me, and … ” He stopped playing and shook his head. “But damn it, I still need her.”

  Adam had been watching Jay closely and leaned back in his chair, appearing pleased with what he saw. He crossed his feet at the ankles and grinned. “So get on a plane, get your ass to California and take your medicine like a good boy.”

  Jay looked up, surprised to find Adam in the room. He’d been so absorbed by what he was saying, he’d forgotten where he was. Returning Adam’s grin, he finished the last few notes of “Imperial Jade” with a flourish.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

  Waves washed onto the Malibu shoreline, breaking into foam that looked like dirty wash water before slithering back from the wet sand. Rain had begun falling during the night, a steady shower that looked as if it had settled in for a long stay.

  Katie took another sip of coffee, staring out the sliding glass doors. Inertia was starting to creep back in and she tried to summon the strength to combat it. With a sigh, she turned back to the kitchen with a vague thought of getting more coffee. The rest of the day stretched out in front of her, as bleak and uninviting as the sodden sand beyond her deck.

  The soft chime of the doorbell intruded on her solitude and she cast a wary glance toward the door. She wasn’t expecting visitors and couldn’t imagine who had found their way to her hideout. Perhaps if she just ignored the summons, whoever it was would go away.

  The bell sounded again, twice in quick succession. It appeared she’d have to deal with it whether she wanted to or not. Leaving her coffee on the counter, she went to the door and peered out the peep-hole. The limited view showed her only a distorted image of a black, soft-sided suitcase. Whoever was ringing the bell was leaning against the wall just out of sight. Irritated, Katie unlocked the deadbolt, pulled the door open and turned to stone.

  Her first impression was his hair was longer — it brushed the shoulders of his wrinkled linen jacket and rioted across his forehead. His jaw was covered with stubble, his forehead creased with exhaustion and his hazel eyes were dull with sleep.

  She focused on Jay’s eyes and found their piercing intensity hadn’t dimmed, sleepy or not. It had been a long time since he’d looked at her that way, and his gaze held her as tight as if he’d reached out and grabbed her with his hands.

  Katie took two steps back, swinging the door wider in invitation. Still silent, Jay bent, picked up his bag and walked past her into the house. Katie closed the door and leaned against it for a moment, resting her forehead against the cool wood, her mind whirling. How had he found her? And what did he want? Whatever it was, she wasn’t sure she wanted to know.

  She pushed away from the door and followed him into the living room, giddy as she breathed in the scent of him, more intoxicating than any man-made fragrance ever concocted. He dropped his bag in the middle of the living room and turned to face her with an uncertain frown.

  Hoping to diffuse the nervous agitation, she strove for a normal tone of voice. “Coffee?”

  Jay jumped like a man yanked out of a dream and nodded. “Yeah, please.”

  She’d almost forgotten the way his voice seemed to slide over her, touching her in a way that was almost physical. Her knees threatened to give way, but she forced her shaking legs to take her into the kitchen. She fumbled a cup out of the cabinet and clutched the smooth porcelain, willing her nerves to settle. When she thought she’d gained enough control not to scald herself or Jay with the hot cof
fee, she filled the cup and took it to him where he sat on the couch. Lines of weariness etched his face, and Katie bit her lip. She held out the coffee. “Here you are.”

  Jay took the cup from her. “Thanks, love.”

  Katie stepped across his outstretched legs and sat beside him, careful to keep a safe distance between them. The shock was wearing off and a rising anger was taking its place. She tried to swallow it down and glanced over at him. “I don’t want to sound rude, but you look tired.”

  A ghost of a smile touched his face. “Tired doesn’t even begin to cover it. I can’t remember the last time I slept.”

  “Do you think you need coffee? I mean … ”

  “Yes,” he interrupted. “I need coffee.” His eyes met hers. “I hope you have a lot made.”

  “I can make more.” Her words were clipped and short as her anger tested the breaking point of her restraint.

  Jay lowered his head and regarded his cup. “I realize my showing up like this is somewhat of a shock.”

  Katie’s laugh was bitter. “Nothing you do shocks me anymore, Jay.” She crossed her arms and glared at the fireplace. She heard Jay’s deep sigh as he put the cup on the table.

  “I want us to talk.”

  The innocent statement set Katie off like a firecracker. “Well, how bloody thoughtful of you! I can’t imagine why you’d think we need to talk. You certainly didn’t feel this urge when you packed up all your shit and walked out on me without a word!”

  Jay’s lips compressed. “Go ahead. Get it out of your system.”

  Katie thought the top of her head was going to fly off. “How dare you?” She exploded off the couch, fury making her feel ten feet tall. “How the fuck dare you come into my house after what you’ve done and try to patronize me?”

  “I’m not patronizing you, Katie.” An obstinate look crept onto his face. “I’m trying to have a decent, civil conversation … ”

  “Oh, bullshit!” she interrupted. “You’ve had plenty of chances to be decent and civil, but this isn’t one of them. You don’t deserve decent and civil. You broke my heart, you son-of-a-bitch!” The slight shake of his head made her want to shriek. “Don’t deny it, Jay!”

  “I’m not denying it.” He pinned her with a warning look that only served to enrage her further.

  “You can say it all you want, but when you’re sitting there, shaking your head ‘no’ … Fuck you, Jay. I don’t want to talk to you.”

  Jay got to his feet and gripped her arm. “I don’t give a shit if you want to or not, but you’re going to!”

  “Let go of me!” Katie tried to pull away, fighting not only his grip, but the resultant flood of emotions at his touch. “You have no right to touch me after what you’ve done to me.”

  “I’ve got a news flash for you, babe.” Jay’s voice shook. “Yours wasn’t the only heart broken!”

  “Oh, boo hoo.” At her cold tone, Jay released her and she stumbled back. “Who broke your heart?”

  “You did.”

  The words penetrated the red haze of anger in her mind and rendered her speechless. She saw the hurt in his eyes and took quick action to harden herself against it. No way was she going to let him play her like that.

  “Impossible,” she spat out. “First of all, you don’t have a heart to break. And furthermore, there’s no way I broke your heart. You’re the one who left, remember?”

  “And what about you?” The lines of strain on his face became more pronounced. “After I dug my head out of my arse and came home, you were nowhere to be found.”

  Katie’s mouth dropped open. “Are you fucking kidding me? Did you really think I’d just sit around waiting for you to decide to come home?” Knowing she had done exactly that for three months infuriated her and she turned her back. “I know when I’m not wanted.”

  “Not wanted?” His voice came from right behind her and she jumped. She’d forgotten he could move so fast. Jay turned her to face him, but she kept her eyes screwed shut.

  “Katie, look at me.” He took her chin in his hand and tilted her face up. “Please.”

  The desperate plea in his voice made her open her eyes. The naked, raw emotion she saw on his face made her want to cry aloud. The thought of how she’d felt when she’d seen that empty closet, though, erased any momentary tenderness. She hardened her features and attempted to shake his fingers loose.

  Ignoring her efforts to pull away, he leaned close and captured her gaze. “There has never,” he gritted out, “never been a day I didn’t want you.” She closed her eyes again, refusing to be drawn in. “I mean it, Katie. Even when I didn’t want to, I did.”

  “No!” His grip loosened with surprise at her exclamation and she jerked away. “That’s not how it works, Jay. I don’t believe you.”

  “Christ, Katie.” His voice broke. “I’m sorry. There aren’t words to tell you how sorry I am. Believe me; you can’t hate me more than I do myself. But I want to try to make it right, to make it up to you. What do I have to do?”

  Was he kidding? He could have himself drawn and quartered; that would be a start. A span of years spent prostrate at her feet would be another. Tar and feathers, hot oil, a stone cell with only bread and water; yeah, that might begin to make up for the hurt she’d suffered. “You can get out and leave me alone.” The words dropped like rocks from her mouth and she turned away.

  “That’s the one thing I can’t do.”

  As his words penetrated her brain, she turned to face him again, fire in her eye. “So what’s the plan this time? Got some new bit of torture worked out for me?” She shook her head. “I hate to disappoint you, but there’s not anything you can do to hurt me more than you already have.”

  An alarming shade of red crept up his neck and suffused his face. “The last thing I want to do … ” He broke off and took several deep breaths. “I know you’re hurt. I fucking know that!” It was becoming quite clear he was enraged. She’d never seen him so angry and a quiver of apprehension slid down her spine. His eyes had gone an almost tawny shade. She expected to see them glow red any minute. “I came here to try … I’d give anything … But you won’t even fucking tell me what I can … Goddamn it!”

  He seized his half-full coffee cup and Katie expected it to fly across the room to smash into the sliding glass doors. Instead, he turned and stalked into the kitchen, leaving her breathless. Her knees quivered with reaction and she sank down on the raised stone hearth of the fireplace. Her hands rose and crossed over her chest protecting her pounding heart. He’d always been even-tempered, calm and collected, bearing her occasional outbursts of emotion with equanimity. But it seemed she’d pushed him to the breaking point.

  She looked up with trepidation as he strode into the living room, a coffee cup in each hand. He’d made some effort to regain his composure during his absence. His eyes were hazel and the flush of anger had faded. He sat one of the cups on the table.

  “Here. I found it on the kitchen counter. I assume it’s yours.” He sat on the couch and crossed his legs. “It’s a fresh cup.”

  Coffee. He was sitting there talking about coffee after everything that had happened. Katie grabbed her temper in both hands and throttled it. She wasn’t going to let him get another rise out of her if it killed her.

  Closing her eyes, she concentrated on her breathing. When she’d regained control, she opened her eyes to find herself under intense scrutiny. Jay looked at her with an unwavering stare, his eyes a bit unfocused. Katie bore it as long as she could, but felt her nerves stretched thin. “What?” she snapped.

  His focus sharpened at her exclamation. “I’m just looking at you, all right? I’d forgotten how lovely you are.”

  Katie made a rude noise and rolled her eyes. If he thought he was going to win her over with flowery words and syrupy sentiments, he was dead wrong.

  A muscle jumped in Jay’s cheek as he clenched his jaw. “Will you kindly stop being so dismissive of everything I say? Jesus, Katie, what do you want?”


  “What do I want?” She glared at him. “I want to know why, that’s what. I want to know what I did that was so horrible you had to leave without one single, solitary, bleeding word of explanation.”

  Jay sighed and ran a hand over his face. “You didn’t do anything.”

  The heavy weight of self-doubt and blame started to lift at his simple statement. But it wasn’t enough. She deserved an explanation and was determined to get one. “Then why?”

  He cleared his throat. “You didn’t need me anymore.”

  She looked at him in amazement. “Jay Sterling Carey, that has to be the most stupid, ridiculous, brainless thing I’ve ever heard you say.”

  He squirmed, betraying his discomfort. “It’s what I thought. I mean, what the hell did you need with a washed-up guitar player who’d pissed his band away and had absolutely no idea what to do with himself? You had MKS; you didn’t need me.”

  “Are you out of your ever-lovin’ mind?” Katie shook her head with exasperation. “None of that mattered. Designing clothes wasn’t my goal in life.” Frowning at his look of skepticism, she leaned forward. “And let me tell you something else. The fact that you’re a fucking rock star is not why I needed you, you bleeding idiot! I needed you because I loved you.”

  “Yeah, well. I thought I’d blown that, too.” Jay frowned at his feet. “I didn’t love myself and I couldn’t see how you could. Especially with the way I treated you. I didn’t even have sense enough to realize you were bothered by the groupies until you told me.” His face grew taut. “Damn it, what kind of idiot thinks his wife is cool with that? But no; I was off in my little rock star la-la land, not even considering I was hurting the only woman I’ve ever loved. I’ve not touched another woman since, but the fact that I had and that it had hurt you … ” He sighed, a tired, defeated sound that wrenched Katie’s heart. “I absolutely loathed myself for that, and for so much more. I didn’t want any of my problems to affect you, so I pulled away. It was never because I didn’t care.”

  Surprised, Katie’s eyes popped open. “Bloody fool.” Mortified, she clapped her hands over her mouth. She hadn’t meant to say it out loud.