Choosing You

by Allie Everhart

  Contents

  Title Page

  October 30

  Sept. 4, Two Months Earlier

  3

  4

  5

  6

  7

  8

  9

  10

  11

  12

  13

  14

  15

  16

  17

  18

  19

  20

  21

  22

  23

  24

  25

  26

  Choosing You

  Allie Everhart

  OCTOBER 30

  The lines on the track are like a map telling me where to go. I follow their orderly path, my arms and legs moving in a rhythmic pattern. My body repeats the motion effortlessly, leaving my mind to replay what just happened.

  I see a girl at a party. She’s drinking. She never drinks. Ever. But there were no other options. It was history repeating itself. Like the script had already been written and she just had to let the scene play out. For 18 years, she promised herself this would never happen. And then it did. She lost all control within a matter of seconds.

  That girl was someone else. I will never be her. And I will never be her mother. I refuse.

  My legs take longer, quicker strides as I become aware of my body again. I pump my arms because I’m not going fast enough. I still feel all of it. The confusion. The rage. The pain. And I just want it to go away.

  The cold night air clings to my skin, cooling the sweat and sending an icy chill through me. My arms and legs ache and my lungs burn from inhaling the frigid air. But I keep going. Because I like feeling this pain. I understand it. And it keeps my mind off the pain that I can’t understand.

  A drop of rain hits my face. Then two, then three. Soon rain pours from the sky, stinging my skin.

  “Jade, what the hell are you doing out here? I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Jade!”

  It’s Garret, the boy who made the girl live out that scene at the party. The scene that was never supposed to happen.

  My eyes remain on the lines in front of me and I run past him like he’s not even there.

  “Jade, stop! Wait!”

  I make another loop around the track as he continues to call out my name. As I approach him again, he moves into my lane and I veer to avoid him.

  There’s a sharp tug on the back of my shirt and I stumble forward to a stop. I’m gasping for breath as Garret turns me around and holds me against him so tight I can’t move despite my efforts to break free.

  “Stop.” He says it quietly now as he presses my head against his chest. “Just stop running.”

  I give up trying to fight him and let my body collapse into his.

  A minute ago I never wanted to see him again, but now I don’t want him to let me go.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” he says. “If it’s something I did, I’m sorry. I’ll fix it.”

  The cold rain continues to pour down in a steady stream. My shorts and shirt feel heavy against my skin and I shiver as the wind blows around us.

  He runs his hand along my arm. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing and you’re soaking wet. Let’s go inside.”

  My legs aren’t ready to move. My entire body is aching, leaving my emotions numb, just the way I want them.

  “Jade, talk to me.”

  I look up and see him watching me, waiting for some kind of answer. Before he can speak again, I reach up and press my lips to his. I shouldn’t be kissing him so I don’t understand why I’m doing this. But I don’t understand anything right now.

  Garret gently pulls away. “Tell me what’s going on. Why are you out here? Why were you at the party? And why were you drinking?” His voice is filled with so much worry and so much concern. After seeing him at the party I don’t know why he even cares. But I know he does. I can feel it and I can see it in his face and it pisses me off. I don’t want him to care about me. Not now. Now after what he did.

  I push away but his arms tighten around me. I won’t look at him. Because when I do all I see is the image of him coming out of that room. With her. And then I see the vodka bottle and it reminds me of my mom and that letter she wrote.

  It’s too much. It’s too many emotions. I want the numbness back.

  The rain continues to pour and I shiver again.

  “We’re going inside.” Garret’s tone is forceful. He finally lets me go but grabs my hand, pulling on me to go with him. “Jade, come on. I’m not leaving here without you.”

  My mind is still racing, trying to make sense of things that make no sense at all.

  When I don’t move, he picks me up and carries me up the hill to our dorm.

  SEPT. 4, TWO MONTHS EARLIER

  I sit on the blue vinyl seats of Ryan’s car with a bag of potato chips in my hand and a 20-ounce soda wedged between my legs, my bare feet resting against the dashboard. As I reach in the bag, Ryan snatches it from me.

  “I’m cutting you off, Jade.” He tosses the potato chips in the back seat. “That’s your fifth bag in two days.”

  “Yeah. So I like potato chips. Big deal.” I lick the salt from my fingers, release my seat belt, and reach over the seat to retrieve my chips.

  “Hey, buckle up. And if you finish those, that’s your last bag. You need to start eating better.”

  I roll my eyes as I resume my position. “You’re not a doctor yet, Ryan. You haven’t even started med school, so don’t start lecturing me on my health.”

  He wipes the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand while his other hand grips the steering wheel. “I don’t need to be a doctor to know that a diet of potato chips and soda isn’t good for you.”

  “Potatoes are a vegetable.” I chomp loudly into a chip but Ryan doesn’t notice.

  “Damn, it’s hot.” He rolls his window all the way down, blowing even more warm, humid air into the car. A semi roars past us as we go down a hill, followed by two more after that.

  “Put your window up. I can’t hear the radio with all that noise.”

  “If I put the window up, we’ll suffocate.” He rolls it back up halfway. “When I’m a doctor, the first thing I’m gonna do is get a car with air conditioning.“

  “The first thing you’ll be doing is paying off your student loans.” I stuff more chips in my mouth.

  “That’s true. I’ll probably be driving this thing for another ten years.” He nudges me from across the seat. “Not everyone gets a full ride scholarship to some fancy East Coast college.”

  I shrug. “What can I say? If some rich guy offers to pay for your college you go.”

  “He gave you the scholarship because you deserve it. More than anyone I know.”

  “Don’t start, Ryan.” I focus out the side window, watching yet another state go by. We’re in New York now, driving past farm fields. I never realized how much farming went on in New York. Yesterday was the first time I’d ever been outside of Iowa and since then I’ve been to five states. From the interstate, almost every state looks the same. Big, open fields on both sides of the road. Then we hit Pennsylvania and the landscape got hilly and filled in with trees. New York is a mix of trees and fields.

  Ryan rolls his window all the way up, muffling the road noise. “We’re almost there and I just need to say it one last time and then I’ll shut up.”

  I sigh dramatically. “Fine. Hurry up.”

  “I’m really proud of you, Jade. Most kids your age would’ve shut down after what happened. They would’ve dropped out of school. But you ended up the freaking valedictorian.”

  “I know. I was there. Now are you done? Because none of that matters now. That was high school. This is college.
I have to start at the bottom and prove myself all over again.”

  “You won’t have to prove anything. You’re going to totally kick ass at that school from your first day on campus.”

  “Okay, no more pep talks. I don’t need you boosting my ego only to have reality hit as soon as I get there. High school was easy. There’s more competition at college. And I’ll be going to school with spoiled rich kids who went to fancy prep schools and probably had private tutors their whole lives.”

  “Hey, don’t get that attitude going before you get there. You haven’t even met these people. Give them a chance before you start judging.”

  “Oh, please. Like they aren’t going to judge me? I’m the Kensington Scholarship winner. Everyone knows that’s for charity cases.”

  He rolls the window down again. “I doubt anyone there even knows about your past.”

  “It only takes one person to find out and tell the whole school. Then I’ll be known all over campus as the poor girl from Iowa who at the tender age of 15 found her mom dead on the bathroom floor from pills and booze. They’ll think I’m just as crazy as my mom. And maybe I am . . .” My voice drifts off.

  “Stop it, Jade. You are not your mom. You’re nothing like her. You’ve already accomplished more than she ever did.”

  “Can we not talk about my mother, please?” I open my soda and it fizzes out the top and all over the seat. “Shit! I’m so sorry.” I hold the bottle up, wiping the soda off with my hand.

  “Don’t worry about it. This car is thirty years old. This isn’t the first time soda’s been spilled on it.”

  I grab a towel from the back and quickly wipe up the dark, sticky liquid running down the seat. Dammit, Jade! Look what you did, you worthless brat! My mom’s voice is screaming in my head. I wince, preparing to feel the sting of her hand as it slaps my face.

  “It’s clean.” Ryan grabs hold of my arm, which is furiously drying the seat.

  I put the towel on the floor by my feet. Ryan lets go of my arm and gets quiet. He knows how my mother haunts me sometimes and he knows I won’t talk about it because I don’t want to talk about my mother. She’s the past and the past is over. And although she gets in my head sometimes, it’s nothing I can’t handle. Ryan probably disagrees with that, but he knows that bugging me about it will only make us fight. So he remains silent.

  Ryan is my brother. Well, not my real brother, but close enough. I met him six years ago when he moved into a house down the street from me. He was 15 at the time and I had a huge crush on him. He, of course, had no interest in dating a 12-year-old. So I gave up trying to win his affection and just hung out with him, acting as his annoying little sister. The role stuck and I’ve been annoying him ever since.

  I scrunch up the open end of the potato chip bag and drop it behind my seat. “There. I won’t eat any more. Are you happy now?”

  “I’d be happier if you ate an apple once in a while.”

  “Baby steps, Ryan.” I return my feet to the dashboard and wipe my hands on my shorts to get rid of the salt that remains on my fingers.

  “I’m getting off at the next exit. I need to get some gas and check in with Dad.”

  “Let me call him.” I hold my hand out for the phone. “You know he’d rather talk to me anyway.”

  Ryan smiles. “I know he would.” He reaches in his shirt pocket for his phone and hands it to me.

  Ryan’s dad, Frank, volunteered to be my legal guardian after my mom died. Frank and my mom went to college together but lost track of each other when my mom dropped out. Her college career ended when a one night stand resulted in me. The sperm donor took off and she never heard from him again.

  After I was born my mom never managed to get her life back on track. Instead she started drinking and got hooked on prescription drugs. I can’t remember a time when she was ever normal. My entire childhood was spent taking care of her. And to this day, I hate her for that.

  When Frank moved in down the street he tried to be friends with my mom again, but she wanted nothing to do with him, probably because he kept trying to get her into rehab. Whenever she had one of her drunken meltdowns, I’d run off and stay at Frank’s house. Pretty soon I was staying at Frank’s almost every night, so it wasn’t that big a deal to move in with him and Ryan when my mom died.

  “Hey, Frank,” I say when I hear him pick up. “We’re almost to Connecticut. And thank God, because your son is driving me crazy.” I smile as Ryan rolls his eyes. “I can’t take another minute in the car with him. Now he’s trying to ban me from eating potato chips. Can you believe that?”

  “She’s had five bags,” he yells at the phone as I hold it by his face. “In two days! And not the little bags!”

  I hear Frank laughing as I put the phone back to my ear. “See what I mean?”

  “He just worries about you, honey. We both do.”

  I get a lump in my throat as he says it. It’s only been a couple days and I already miss Frank. He’s been like a father to me ever since I became friends with Ryan and if he hadn’t taken me in years ago, I probably wouldn’t even be going to college.

  “Has Ryan given you his lecture about college boys yet?” Frank laughs as he says it.

  “No, but I’m sure he will.”

  Ryan takes his big brother role seriously. He’s very protective of me, sometimes too much. I don’t like people protecting me. I can take care of myself just fine.

  “So you’re almost to Connecticut?” Frank asks. “Are you getting nervous?”

  “What’s there to be nervous about? It’s college. Big deal.”

  Truthfully, I’m scared shitless. I have no idea what college will be like other than what I’ve seen in movies, which is basically a mix of sex, drugs, and alcohol. I have no idea what the classes will be like or the homework or the professors. At this point, the whole idea of going to college is freaking me out, but there’s no way I’d ever tell Frank or Ryan that.

  “You’re going to be great there,” Frank says. “I’m so proud of you.”

  “Here we go again.” I glance at Ryan. “I haven’t even done anything yet.”

  “You know I’ll never stop saying it. Let’s talk later, Jade. I need to speak with Ryan.” I hand the phone back to Ryan as he pulls up to the gas pump. We both get out and I fill the tank while he talks to Frank. He paces back and forth shaking his head as he listens. Something must’ve happened.

  Frank has multiple sclerosis. In the past few months, it’s gotten worse. He used to work as a newspaper reporter, but he had to quit last year because of his illness. He freelances when he feels up to it although lately he hasn’t been able to even do that. Sometimes he loses his balance and falls so now he has a wheelchair but he doesn’t always use it. Ryan hired a nurse to stay at the house while we’re gone because he didn’t want Frank being alone for all these days.

  When the gas tank is full, I wait in the car for Ryan. A few minutes later, he gets in, still on the phone. “No, just let me call them. I’ll do it right now.” He pulls forward and parks in front of the gas station.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask him as we get out again.

  “Dad’s nurse quit today. I need to call the agency and get someone over there.” He reaches in the car for his wallet. “Let’s go inside. You need to eat an actual meal and I need to figure out this nurse situation.”

  We go in the restaurant that’s attached to the gas station. There’s a row of red vinyl booths on one side and some wooden tables and chairs scattered on the other. Displayed on the walls is an odd assortment of mismatched frames that hold photos of horses and barns.

  A love song from the seventies is playing from the speakers mounted in the ceiling. I try to ignore it so it doesn’t get stuck in my head the rest of the day, but I know it will. For some reason, only really crappy songs get stuck in my head, never the good ones. I wonder if that’s just me or if it happens to everyone.

  The waitress seats us at one of the booths and hands us each a small plasti
c coated menu. I’m not that hungry due to the earlier potato chip binge, but I have to eat or Ryan will lecture me again on my junk food addiction.

  “I know it’s short notice, but your nurse quit on me!” Ryan lowers his voice when he notices people staring. “Yes, fine. Call me back when you know.” He sets the phone down hard on the table, then takes a deep breath and moves his wavy brown hair off his face. He wears his hair a little long which I think gives him an artsy look even though he’s not at all artistic.

  “Did they find a replacement?” I ask.

  “No. She’s calling around. I can’t believe this happens when I’m halfway across the country.” He takes a sip of water. “Sorry, Jade. This was supposed to be our fun road trip across America kicking off your new life at college and it’s not turning out that way.”

  “What are you talking about? We played road games. We sang along to the radio. We ate truck stop food. What’s not to love? This has been a great trip.”

  My attempt to cheer him up falls flat. His mind is focused on his dad.

  “Why don’t you have Chloe stop over and check on him?”

  Ryan shakes his head. “Like I would ever ask her to do that. I’ve only dated her for a month. She hasn’t even been over to the house yet.”

  “She seems nice. And it would be a good test. If she refuses to check in on your father, you’ll know to dump her now before things get too serious.”

  “I need to make some calls. Just get me a chicken sandwich and fries.” He takes his phone and goes outside.

  I order for both of us, then sit there in the vinyl booth, my bare legs sticking to the seat. I’m still sweaty from the hot car and the ice cold air conditioning is giving me chills.

  My mind wanders to the college I’ll be arriving at soon. I’ve never been to Moorhurst College. I’ve only seen the brochure, which showed a photo of a big stone building surrounded by maple trees at the peak of autumn color. On the website there were photos of some of the students. They looked like rich, preppy kids who get whatever they want. I know Ryan told me not to judge, but it’s hard not to when you see those photos.