Choosing You

by Allie Everhart

  I’m so sorry I’m no longer there for you. I hope I was a good mother to you until my passing. You’re all that I care about and the only thing that matters in my life. I love you, Jade, with all my heart.—Mom

  21

  My head feels dizzy and I have a sudden urge to throw up. I toss the letter on the floor and sprint down the hall to the bathroom. After I get sick I hang my face over the sink and splash cold water on it. I can’t stop shaking. I’m not sure if it’s from the freezing cold water or the shock from what I just read.

  It can’t be real. The letter has to be some sick twisted joke my mother is playing on me. Now she’s telling me I’m the product of a rape? The one night stand story wasn’t bad enough? And she thinks my own father might try to harm me?

  I hurry back to my room and search for a towel. As I’m drying my face, I see the letter still there on the floor and I’m tempted to tear it into a million pieces.

  My mind is spinning as I think back to the few things my mom told me about her past. She did say she worked on a political campaign back in college, but she never went into details about it. And I remember her telling me about the small town she lived in before I was born. The one and only time I asked her about my grandparents, she went hysterical. She started throwing things and told me never to ask again. I was only 5. When I asked Frank about it years later, he told me they died in a house fire. I guess an explosion is similar to a fire.

  Frank! He would know if any of this was true. I race to the phone. My fingers are shaking so much that I keep pressing the wrong buttons. After the third attempt, I get the number right. It rings and rings but nobody answers. Where the hell is Frank? He never leaves the house. Now when I really need to talk to him, he’s not home?

  Even though I don’t want to, I force myself to read the letter again. And one more time after that. It was definitely written a long time ago. The mom I knew wasn’t coherent enough to put multiple sentences together on paper like that. Plus, she would never say I was all she cared about or anything like that.

  What if it was all true? What if my mom became addicted to alcohol and pills because of what happened to her? Maybe my father threatened her again. Maybe it was all too much and she couldn’t deal with it. Just like I can’t deal with stuff. We’re exactly alike that way. But the shitty stuff I’ve had to deal with isn’t even close to being as bad as what she’s written here. I don’t know what I would do if something like this happened to me. I’d probably turn to alcohol and pills, too.

  I call Frank again. Still no answer. I have to talk to someone and the only person I can talk to about this is Garret. I throw on my coat and go outside. I run to the main road that goes into town. The road is dark and I could easily be hit by a car but I have to get to Garret. I turn down a side street and from a block away I can see the lights and hear the noise coming from the party.

  I finally reach the house, sweaty and out of breath. The party is so crowded that people have spilled out onto the lawn, which is littered in red plastic cups. Most of the girls are wearing Halloween costumes and the guys are dressed normal. People are making out on the front porch and one couple is blocking the front door. I push them aside but they’re too drunk to notice or care.

  Inside the house, the music is blaring and the smell of sweat, perfume, and beer permeates the air. The place is packed. I squeeze between people as I make my way through the room, searching for Garret.

  “Look who’s here.” I feel a heavy arm drape across my shoulder and smell that disgusting woodsy cologne. “What’s up, Ohio? You look like you could use a drink.”

  I notice that we’re standing right next to the bar, which explains why Blake’s there. He’s completely wasted and reeks of alcohol.

  “I need to find Garret. Have you seen him?” I have to yell to be heard above the music.

  Blake leans down near my ear and yells back. “He’s busy. You like vodka, Ohio?”

  I back away and shove his arm off me. “What do you mean he’s busy? Is he here?”

  “Yeah, he’s here.”

  “Then where is he? I need to talk to him, Blake. It’s important.”

  “Get in line, sweetheart.” He points to a closed door on the other side of the room.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Garret’s in the boom boom room.” He laughs as he thrusts his hips at me.

  “No, he’s not. Tell me where he’s really at.”

  “Go in there and see for yourself. He’s in there with Ava. I don’t think Ava’s that hot, but shit, the guy’s gotta get it from somewhere because he’s not gettin’ it in Ohio.” Blake laughs so hard he starts coughing, then grabs a bottle of vodka and takes a drink.

  “You’re so disgusting. Just tell me where he—”

  The door to the room Blake was pointing at opens and Garret walks out followed by Ava.

  I’m sure my heart has stopped because I can no longer feel it beating. I’m too overwhelmed by shock, hurt, loss, betrayal, and every other horrible emotion. Even if Garret and I aren’t officially dating, I never would’ve guessed he’d be sleeping with Ava. He hates Ava. He told me he can’t stand even being around her and yet he took her in that room. So was he just lying to me? Have they been sleeping together this whole time? He promised me he wouldn’t lie anymore. He said he wouldn’t keep stuff from me. And I believed him. I confided in him. I told him things. I trusted him.

  “See? I told you, Ohio. Need a drink now?”

  With my eyes still on Garret, I grab the vodka bottle that Blake is holding out in front of me. I lift it to my lips and tilt my head back. It burns like fire as it moves down my throat. But for that brief moment, I don’t feel any other pain. I take another big gulp. It burns again.

  When I bring the bottle down, I see Blake out of the side of my eye, waving over at Garret and pointing at me as he laughs. I catch Garret’s eye across the room. He spots the bottle in my hand and I see his mouth saying my name, his eyes frantic. He starts pushing his way through the crowd. I shove my way to the outside, drop the vodka bottle, and run as fast as I can back to campus.

  It’s all too much. My mom’s letter. Garret with Ava. Drinking for the first time. I don’t understand any of it.

  When I’m back in my room I rip off my coat, shirt, and jeans and put on my running shoes, shorts, and a t-shirt. I sprint to the track at the edge of campus.

  I need to run.

  The lines on the track are like a map telling me where to go. I follow their orderly path, my arms and legs moving in a rhythmic pattern. My body repeats the motion effortlessly, leaving my mind to replay what just happened.

  I see a girl at a party. She’s drinking. She never drinks. Ever. But there were no other options. It was history repeating itself. Like the script had already been written and she just had to let the scene play out. For 18 years, she promised herself this would never happen. And then it did. She lost all control within a matter of seconds.

  That girl was someone else. I will never be her. And I will never be her mother. I refuse.

  My legs take longer, quicker strides as I become aware of my body again. I pump my arms because I’m not going fast enough. I still feel all of it. The confusion. The rage. The pain. And I just want it to go away.

  The cold night air clings to my skin, cooling the sweat and sending an icy chill through me. My arms and legs ache and my lungs burn from inhaling the frigid air. But I keep going. Because I like feeling this pain. I understand it. And it keeps my mind off the pain that I can’t understand.

  A drop of rain hits my face. Then two, then three. Soon rain pours from the sky, stinging my skin.

  “Jade, what the hell are you doing out here? I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Jade!”

  It’s Garret, the boy who made the girl live out that scene at the party. The scene that was never supposed to happen.

  My eyes remain on the lines in front of me and I run past him like he’s not even there.

  “Jade, stop
! Wait!”

  I make another loop around the track as he continues to call out my name. As I approach him again, he moves into my lane and I veer to avoid him.

  There’s a sharp tug on the back of my shirt and I stumble forward to a stop. I’m gasping for breath as Garret turns me around and holds me against him so tight I can’t move despite my efforts to break free.

  “Stop.” He says it quietly now as he presses my head against his chest. “Just stop running.”

  I give up trying to fight him and let my body collapse into his.

  A minute ago I never wanted to see him again, but now I don’t want him to let me go.

  “Tell me what’s wrong,” he says. “If it’s something I did, I’m sorry. I’ll fix it.”

  The cold rain continues to pour down in a steady stream. My shorts and shirt feel heavy against my skin and I shiver as the wind blows around us.

  He runs his hand along my arm. “What are you doing out here? It’s freezing and you’re soaking wet. Let’s go inside.”

  My legs aren’t ready to move. My entire body is aching, leaving my emotions numb, just the way I want them.

  “Jade, talk to me.”

  I look up and see him watching me, waiting for some kind of answer. Before he can speak again, I reach up and press my lips to his. I shouldn’t be kissing him so I don’t understand why I’m doing this. But I don’t understand anything right now.

  Garret gently pulls away. “Tell me what’s going on. Why are you out here? Why were you at the party? And why were you drinking?” His voice is filled with so much worry and so much concern. After seeing him at the party I don’t know why he even cares. But I know he does. I can feel it and I can see it in his face and it pisses me off. I don’t want him to care about me. Not now. Now after what he did.

  I push away but his arms tighten around me. I won’t look at him. Because when I do all I see is the image of him coming out of that room. With her. And then I see the vodka bottle and it reminds me of my mom and that letter she wrote.

  It’s too much. It’s too many emotions. I want the numbness back.

  The rain continues to pour and I shiver again.

  “We’re going inside.” Garret’s tone is forceful. He finally lets me go but grabs my hand, pulling on me to go with him. “Jade, come on. I’m not leaving here without you.”

  My mind is still racing, trying to make sense of things that make no sense at all.

  When I don’t move, he picks me up and carries me up the hill to our dorm.

  He takes me to his room and wraps towels around my soaking body, sitting me down on his bed. I’m shivering and my teeth are chattering. He takes a blanket from his closet and covers me with it. Then he kneels down in front of me and holds my ice cold hands between his warm ones.

  “What happened, Jade?” He sounds even more concerned, desperate to help. “What’s going on?”

  “My mom.” I find it hard to talk with the shivering. “She was raped. He almost killed her.”

  I keep my head down, not wanting to see his reaction. I’m not sure why I’m telling him this. I shouldn’t even be speaking to him after what I saw at the party.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “She left me a letter. She was raped. That’s why I’m here.”

  “What letter? I don’t understand what you’re saying. Where did you get this letter?”

  “It doesn’t matter.” I finally look at him. “That’s why she hated me, Garret.”

  He gets up on the bed and forces me into his arms. “She didn’t hate you, Jade.”

  “She did. It all makes sense now. I was a constant reminder of what he did to her. And she hated me for it. That’s why she drank and took pills.” Saying it out loud, my life is finally beginning to make sense.

  My shivering continues. Garret removes the blanket and wet towels from me. “Let’s go to your room and get some dry clothes.”

  “I can’t go down there right now. I’ll read the letter again and I can’t do that.”

  “You can’t sit here in wet clothes.” He goes over to his drawer and takes out sweatpants and a sweatshirt, then holds them out in front of me. “Put these on.”

  I remain seated on the bed, staring at the blank TV screen.

  “Jade, come on.” He pulls me up to standing. “I’ll turn around while you change. You need to get these wet clothes off.”

  I don’t move. I’m not even really listening to him. My mind is too busy with a million other thoughts.

  Garret sighs and walks behind me. He peels my wet t-shirt and sports bra off and slips the sweatshirt on. It’s so big it goes to my knees and hides my hands.

  He stands in front of me again and holds out the pants. “Now put these on.”

  “I don’t need those.”

  “You’ll never warm up in wet clothes.” He waits while I stand there shivering. “If you don’t do it, I’ll do it myself.”

  I don’t move. I’m so cold and my legs are so tired that putting those pants on is far too much effort.

  “Fine.” He reaches under the long sweatshirt, being careful not to let it ride up so he doesn’t see too much. He slides my shorts and underwear off. I don’t even care that he’s undressing me. It’s the least of my concerns. Besides, I’m sure he just saw Ava naked and has no interest in seeing me that way. He puts the sweatpants on me, one leg at a time but they’re so big he has to hold them up as he walks me to his bed.

  The dry clothes feel good but I’m still cold. I get under the covers and he tucks me in, putting extra blankets on top. I close my eyes and hear Garret taking his own wet clothes off and putting dry ones on. Then he gets into bed and pulls my body against his, keeping his arm around my middle.

  We lie there quietly for a few minutes and his warmth finally stops my shivering.

  My thoughts return to the party.

  “Are you dating Ava?” I ask him so quietly I’m not even sure he heard.

  He sits up slightly and moves the blanket away from my face. “Ava?”

  “I saw you in that room with her. Blake said it’s where people go to, you know.”

  “No! Jade, you know I’d never do anything with her. I was just asking her if she’d said anything to my dad. The music was so loud I couldn’t hear her so we went in that room. Did you really think we were doing something? Is that why you ran out of there like that?”

  “Frank wasn’t home. I had to talk to you. I don’t have anyone else. And then I saw you in there with her.”

  “Nothing happened. I swear. You should never listen to Blake. So is that why you were drinking?”

  “I lost control. I never lose control. But that drink took everything I was feeling away. I guess that’s why she drank. I get it now.”

  “Jade.” He lies down and rests his head against mine. “You need to stop trying to make the feelings go away and just feel them.”

  He leaves a kiss below my ear and whispers something, but I don’t hear him. I’m so tired. And now that I’m warm, I drift off to sleep.

  22

  Loud noises in the hallway wake me up. People are stumbling back from their night out, laughing and banging into doors. Garret’s body is nestled close to mine, my back against his chest and his arm around my waist. I lift my head to read the clock. 3:30.

  “I should go,” I whisper.

  He tightens his hold on me. “Just go to sleep, Jade.”

  I don’t argue with him because I want to stay. I just wasn’t sure if he wanted me to.

  As we lie there, I realize that I’ve never felt this close to another person, not just in the physical sense but in every way. And that scares me. Just the idea of Garret being with Ava sent me over the edge. I lost control. That’s why I keep people far away. Caring about someone the way I care about Garret screws with my judgment. I no longer think rationally. But I’m not sure what to do about it.

  “Hey.” I hear Garret’s voice and open my eyes to see him lying there facing me. “Did you get some
sleep?”

  Light is filtering through the curtains. “What time is it?”

  “It’s 9. You can sleep some more if you want. I’m going to take a shower. I just wanted to let you know in case you woke up and I wasn’t here.”

  I sit up on my elbows. “Why would I care if you weren’t here?”

  He kisses my cheek. “Because you’d miss me. That’s why.”

  I smile and turn away from him. “I probably wouldn’t have even noticed you were gone.”

  He turns me back toward him. “You’d notice. You’d at least wonder where your portable heater went. Don’t think I didn’t know you were just using me for my body last night.”

  “Damn, you’re on to me. But it worked. I stopped shivering. I’m actually kind of hot now.” I kick the blanket off and shove the giant sleeves of his sweatshirt up. They fall right back down.

  “You look ridiculous in my clothes.” He starts feeling for my waist. “I can’t even find you in there.”

  “I like these sweats. They’re really soft. I think I might keep them.”

  “No way! Those are my favorite.”

  “Then I’m definitely keeping them. You can come visit them downstairs.”

  “Sorry, but you’re not getting them. Besides, they’re gray. They’re not even your color.”

  “Yeah, that’s true. All right, you can have them back.”

  He smiles. “That was easy. Guess you’re not much of a fighter first thing in the morning. I’ll have to remember that.” He gets up. “I’ll only be a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere.”

  While he’s in the bathroom I stare up at the blue lights hanging from his ceiling. I just want to stay in his room all day, sleeping in his warm bed and comfy sweats. But I can’t. I have to call Frank and deal with what was in that letter. Or maybe I should pretend I never read it. I could rip it up or burn it, act like it never existed.