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Belief

Page 16

by Chris Parker


  ‘Will do.’

  Peter’s mobile phone rang. The news tore through him like a knife. ‘Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!’

  Kevin stood automatically. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Liam Hemsall was found hanged less than an hour ago. All the indications are it’s a suicide.’

  ‘Dear Christ!’ Kevin slumped. ‘Where?’

  ‘Not at home. Woodland.’

  ‘Small blessings.’

  ‘Small and significant. Someone is with his family now.’ Peter thought back to the night of Ethan Hall’s arrest; the night PC Liam Hemsall had pulled his gun and fired in defence of himself, a colleague and a member of the public; the night they all thought had marked an ending.

  ‘Have you ever had to shoot anyone, boss?’ Kevin’s question interrupted his reflection.

  ‘No. Had to draw my gun a couple of times, back in the day, in a different role.’

  ‘Could you have pulled the trigger?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Because of the training?’

  ‘Because if you care enough to carry a gun, you should care enough to be willing to fire it.’

  ‘As Liam did.’

  ‘Yes.’ Peter felt the pain and anger twist and tear at his stomach. He surrendered to the sensation, having learnt from bitter experience it was better to focus on the physical feeling rather than the associated narrative. Most people tried to escape the pain of loss, or regret or failure, not realizing the only way to do so was by jumping into and reinforcing an all too often destructive story they had been carrying deep inside themselves for many years. So instead, Peter chose to focus on the pain.

  He couldn’t help, though, but think of Nic. Some part of him wanted to say Just another in a long line of relationship fuck-ups! but he silenced the voice and observed instead the cold feeling that was already beginning to settle in. He wasn’t sure when it had started, but he could feel it now and he was going to do nothing to reverse it. The emotion he had once felt for Nic would freeze – painfully at first, the way ice always burnt – and he intended to let it grow until it was as hard and dense as rock.

  ‘How many different pains can one person carry?’ He asked without meaning to.

  ‘Boss?’

  ‘Nothing.’ Peter’s heart quickened suddenly. ‘Say it again!’ ‘What exactly?’

  ‘That bit about the facts of Ethan Hall.’

  ‘I, er, I said that someone had to have seen him since he left Darren Smith’s, and that he had to be staying somewhere.’

  ‘Exactly!’ Peter thumped his right fist into his open palm. ‘Someone has to be helping him. Someone has to have seen him and yet no one has told us they have, even though there is a sizeable reward on offer. How do you explain that?’

  Kevin shrugged. ‘Perhaps he’s just been lucky?’

  ‘Or perhaps he’s got professional help? Think about it. How does an amateur working alone beat a team of experienced professionals? Answer – they are either lucky as you suggest, or they get the very best of professional support. Now, who could provide such help for Ethan?’

  ‘Calvin Brent!’

  ‘And who does Darren Smith work for ultimately?’

  ‘Calvin Brent!’

  ‘So what if Darren Smith told Calvin that not only was he mates with Ethan, he was also putting him up?’

  ‘And what if Calvin then decided he wanted to meet the new, freaky villain on his block?’

  ‘Of if Ethan demanded to see him?’

  ‘Jesus!’ Kevin paused for breath. ‘If Ethan Hall and Calvin Brent joined forces, we’d be in for all sorts of trouble.’

  ‘We would be,’ Peter said, ‘only I don’t think any form of long-term collaboration between the two is likely.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because they are both power freaks. The best they could manage is a short-term, mutually beneficial trade-off.’

  ‘OK. So Calvin Brent could keep Ethan safe, but what could Ethan do for him?’

  Peter gestured upwards. ‘Any fucking thing he asked him to. It’s a perfect one night stand.’

  ‘So what happens afterwards?’

  ‘Calvin brings it to an end in his own unique fashion.’

  ‘You mean he kills Ethan?’

  ‘What else would he do?’ It was Peter’s turn to shrug.

  ‘So why don’t we just leave them to it?’

  ‘Because we are the police!’ Peter slammed his hand onto Kevin’s desk. ‘Remember?’

  ‘Hadn’t forgotten, boss.’

  ‘It would be a serious mistake if you ever did! Now, let’s get to doing what we do best. Let’s work on the premise that Calvin Brent is using and protecting Ethan, and that Ethan is using Calvin.’

  ‘Which means that Calvin has put Ethan into one of his safe houses.’

  ‘Indeed it does. And given that we are aware of several of those houses, we can get eyes on them straight away.’

  ‘And what about the ones we’re not aware of?’

  ‘We need to get them identified asap! Let’s ramp up the pressure and the incentives. Squeeze everyone we know! This is our best chance of finding Ethan Hall, so let’s treat it as such.’

  Peter watched a grim look of determination spread across Kevin’s face. ‘I just want to stop him before he destroys another life!’ He said.

  Peter nodded. His gut tightened. ‘Let’s hope we can.’

  42

  It seemed to Anne-Marie that her scream echoed in the hall. She could see Ethan talking to her, but couldn’t hear a word he was saying. She could feel his eyes boring into her, but couldn’t look away. She wanted to run, but was rooted to the spot.

  Finally the echo faded.

  ‘I’m here to help you,’ Ethan was saying. ‘Whatever you might think, whatever they’ve told you about me, I’ve done much good. I’ve helped lots of people in my time; enabled them to make the most positive changes at the most critical moments in their lives. That’s why I’m here now, why I’ve come to see you before I move on for good. I’ve come to do what only I can.’

  Ethan began walking towards Anne-Marie. Just when she was sure he was going to touch her, he turned left into the lounge. ‘Follow me please,’ he said. ‘It will be more comfortable in here. And it is time you had some comfort back in your life, wouldn’t you say?’

  ‘Yes.’ The answer escaped before she realised it. Her feet were following him, too.

  Ethan walked over to the bay window. He was silent for a moment as he took in the view. ‘The valley is beautiful,’ he said, keeping his back to her. ‘You must adore it.’

  ‘Yes.’

  Ethan turned. His smile made her think of the most innocent child. ‘I love nature,’ he said. ‘It’s where I’ve worked most of my life.’ It seemed to Anne-Marie that he was blushing slightly. ‘Although, of course, you might know that. I’m guessing you’ve heard lots of stories about me. I’m sorry for some of them. And I’m sorry we met the way we did. This meeting is going to be very different, I promise. Please, sit.’ He gestured towards the settee.

  Anne-Marie sat. There was a softness about him, a steady, persuasive energy, like the warmest and softest of currents. The settee had never felt so comfortable.

  ‘Now, let’s begin.’ Ethan sat too, in the armchair facing her. ‘One of the prevailing stories you will know is that I am able to influence people profoundly. It’s a gift I was born with and have worked to develop. I’m going to use it today to help you. Is that OK?’

  Anne-Marie nodded.

  Ethan smiled again. ‘You have questions,’ he said. ‘I can see their colour. You can be relaxed, you are safe and you can ask me anything you want. Two questions only, though, for obvious reasons I can’t stay with you indefinitely.’

  Anne-Marie knew the first question instantly. ‘Why?’ She asked.

  ‘Why have I come here to help you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Because this whole thing can only end badly for me. I’m not stupid – far from it – so I know t
he truth of this. And many people will believe it’s what I deserve. It shouldn’t, though, end badly for you. And everyone knows you don’t deserve it to. So I’m going to make the difference on your behalf. In a moment, when we stop talking like this, you are going to feel your state deepen and change. Let me say again, you will be completely safe throughout. In fact, you will love it. And that will be the start of you returning to complete health.’

  ‘But Marcus – ’

  ‘ – Has been trying. I understand that. He knows, too, as you do, that he has been failing. Without me, the consequence of his failure is your death.’ Ethan looked at the photos on the floor. He had walked over them without disturbing their order. ‘Because of me, you will be able to plan and share a different photo story.’

  ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘I work with nature, remember?’ The smile returned. ‘I don’t think that was the second question you had planned, was it? I think you’ve just snuck an extra one in.’

  ‘Yes.’ Anne-Marie almost giggled. ‘Can I still ask another?’

  ‘Why not? It is quite literally the least I can do for you. So, fire away.’

  ‘Why were you going to kill Marcus?’

  ‘To be honest with you, that’s just a personal thing. A mixture of an experiment and a lesson. It has nothing to do with you and me.’

  ‘He’s my husband!’

  ‘I was talking to your cancer, not the rest of you.’

  Anne-Marie gasped. Her body trembled.

  ‘Best of all,’ Ethan continued, ‘this will be our secret. You are going to get better and you can let Marcus believe he was responsible. That will give him everything he needs to help him recover from the realisation that he isn’t the world’s greatest. You see, between us we will now solve both of your problems. You will have the most powerful healing experience. Your husband will be spared a complete, irreversible, breakdown and his career will grow again. The two of you will have a future you can look forward to.’

  Anne-Marie couldn’t believe what she was hearing, and yet it felt real and true in every fibre of her being. She risked another question. ‘Can I really trust you?’

  ‘Feeling is believing.’ Ethan leaned forwards. ‘And it’s time for you to feel.’ He blinked once. Anne-Marie’s eye closed and her head dropped forwards. Ethan reminded himself of his intention and then eased his awareness even further back than it already was.

  He felt his brain stem, then travelled down his spine into his coccyx and stretched that with a gentle exhalation. Then he moved back again, into the space beyond his physical self, where clarity shone.

  He spoke without thought or planning, as he always did from this place. ‘Anne-Marie, you know my voice now. And my voice will play in your mind forever. You will hear and feel it in so many healing ways, knowing change is everything and all there is, and the only thing one should fixate on is the truth that everything changes, so there is nothing to fix or heal, there is neither right nor wrong, there is just breath and loss, and we can lose anything because we are only change and so there is nothing to hold on to, and so there is nothing to lose, because…

  ‘Just breath this understanding into your unconscious. In. And out. And keep doing so forever, because numbers are a human construct only. Nature teaches instead to move through and in and out and on…and on…Nature cannot be counted. Can you? Now? Changing because this is your true nature, without labels or expectations or even…anything…else. Only the air of the universe, in and out, cycling, changing, moving on…and on…and on…into the space that is everything inside and out…breathing in from space into space, making space for change and newness and well-being as you are already using your unconscious now to open to this new life, because your response-ability is here, now, being change and space-full and…’

  Ethan Hall watched as Anne-Marie sank into the deepest of trances. He left her there and looked again at the valley, noticing how different it seemed from his new, more distanced, perspective. He sat unmoving, barely breathing, for fifteen minutes. Then he said, ‘Very slowly now, and only in your own time, let your breathing begin to move higher up into your chest, and as it does so will your awareness rise with it, and as it does so will you change, knowing change always happens on the inside first at the rate and speed at which you feel most comfortable. And when you open your eyes, you will realize how much colour there is in the world, and one of those colours – only you will know which, it might be gold, it might be green, it might be…will make itself known to you in new, positive ways, reminding you sometimes consciously and always sub-consciously of the healing that is happening always, with every breath, whether sleeping or awake, because if we can create something we can obviously create something new in its place, in one way or another, just as a mirror holds nothing permanently and shows only what is present briefly. Reflecting on this, whenever you are ready, light up, give yourself permission to go forwards, moving again into a bright, new shining world.’

  Anne-Marie felt as if she was floating up from the ocean bed. It was a most peaceful, joyous journey. She experienced the movement in a way she never had before; so connected to each subtle shift that time appeared to have stopped and her fear of death – the cause of it – disappeared.

  When she surfaced and opened her eyes, Anne-Marie reeled with the intensity of what she saw. Everything seemed brighter. Even the carpet and the dull, worn furniture. Even the ceiling. And the sky and the valley beneath shone with a promise it could barely contain. She couldn’t help but wonder why, as a photographer, she had never seen it before.

  ‘It’s so beautiful!’

  ‘What exactly?’

  ‘All of it. The colours – especially the greens – and the connections, the way it all fits together so perfectly.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘I feel a part of it. I feel as if I’m looking at myself. Only that doesn’t really make sense because I’m not sure I have a self in the way I used to think I had. It’s really weird, really lovely. I’m looking at the grass, seeing it stretching out, covering, moving so subtly, growing out of the earth, drawing in from the sky, so humble and vibrant and essential.’

  ‘The grass connects with you,’ Ethan lowered his inflexion, creating a statement rather than a question.

  ‘Yes. Or maybe I connect with it. Or maybe that sort of division is completely false.’

  ‘We are all just a part of nature.’

  ‘I know.’ Something in Ethan’s voice and in what he said reminded Anne-Marie of Marcus. The association made her stomach flutter. Suddenly everything felt different.

  ‘Right now,’ Ethan said, ‘knowing is the least important of all things. And being is the most…and breathing, in and out. Now hear. Nowhere is the place to bed down in this current…situation…shining and sinking…colourful and safe…breathing and sinking…lifelong…deeper and deeper.’

  Because Ethan had not let Anne-Marie fully out of the first trance, she fell into the second one more quickly and completely. He watched her body change as the state took her and drew her in. He enjoyed the way her consciousness surrendered willingly and completely. He drifted back again, beyond himself, and continued to talk. He knew her cancer was no match for him.

  Sometimes Anne-Marie thought she could hear Ethan’s words and when she did she felt she was taking them in like food, resting on them as if they were a pillow, moving through them as if they were a field of long grass. Sometimes she was aware only of her complete lack of awareness, observing her own state from some previously unknown distant place. Sometimes she lost every sense of her own existence.

  Ethan Hall saw it all. His connection with her was absolute. He knew she would forever be drawn to the valley, to the feel of the grass beneath her feet and its colour all around her. ‘It will be your lover,’ he whispered, realising as he heard the words that it was time to lead Anne-Marie back.

  It took several minutes before she was able to talk and look and move as she usually did. When she could,
her fear returned.

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Change. Profound, personal, intimate change. We shared it together.’

  Anne-Marie shivered.

  ‘It’s for the best. Remember. This way we all win.’

  ‘How do you…?”

  ‘I win because I’m pleased to save you.’

  ‘Is that all?’

  Ethan smiled. ‘Time now for us both to move.’ He stood up. ‘Come.’

  Anne-Marie followed him back into the hall. She couldn’t help but notice how the light of the day shone through the glass panel in the front door. She tried instinctively to move past Ethan towards it. He stopped her, his left hand grasping her right forearm.

  ‘Not yet,’ he said. ‘First, you have to show me your bedroom.’

  43

  Ethan kept hold of her arm and walked her to the stairs.

  ‘You first.’

  Anne-Marie was incapable of refusing. She climbed three steps before he followed her. She was sure he was staring at her bottom as she moved. She stepped more quickly. When she reached the landing she stopped and glanced back over her shoulder. His gaze stayed low.

  ‘Lead the way,’ he said.

  She did.

  The bedroom door was open. She entered. Their bed was one of the few things they had brought with them. It had not occurred to either her or Marcus to place that in storage. It was a king size model; too big for the room, but they didn’t care. ‘If you can’t have your home,’ Anne-Marie had said, ‘the next best thing you can have is your bed.’

  She stood at the foot of it.

  Ethan Hall moved to her right. He placed his left hand on the small of her back. She was wearing Ralph Lauren Grey Marl sweatpants and an Alexander McQueen black T shirt over her underwear. Her feet were bare. She could feel the heat of his palm pressing against her skin.

  ‘Lay on the bed. On the side where you sleep.’

  Her mind was empty of all thoughts. She squeezed herself along the left side of the bed. There was a framed photo of her and Marcus on the bedside table, next to a lamp and a book she was reading for the second time. Tea and Chemo the story of a woman’s battle to overcome cancer. She looked at the bed. She noticed a crease in the pillow. The dark green duvet was smooth and shiny. She laid on it. She could see the sky and the furthest side of the valley through the large bedroom window. Clouds were scurrying across the sky.

 

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