Rent Boy
Page 43
Having two undergraduate university degrees is fine, but I want to immerse myself more in my true passion. I have also made a decision to actually do what I wanted to do since secondary school. To pursue a Master of Arts with an emphasis in cinema studies, do a bit of part time work in events and functions, and write scripts. That’s on the agenda at the moment. I am still doing my artwork on occasion, and now I have written my true life story to look back on. A docudrama feature film script is on the horizon and it’s gonna be exciting, trust me. The only hurdle is for me to do a proposal with a ‘blast!’
So here we are. You know just about everything about me. You may have your opinions and that’s fine. But I want you to know one thing. I think I’m going to be okay, but it’s gonna be tough.
Today, as I write this paragraph I had the thought of my age heading to forty. Oh my god, I never imagined myself at this age. I never thought that the ‘once hot party boy’ could get this far and survive. Unfortunately my admired image is gone but that happens to everyone as they get older. I am totally fine that though as I have had my time.
There was a time I remember on one of my birthdays and I spent it alone and thought I shall do something like go to the movies. For some reason I had some magnetic urge to see ‘Mao’s Last Dancer’. It was such an inspirational movie that made me cry. This was some kind of sign. I remember a line that the dancer ‘Li’ said to his ballet teacher whilst he was struggling to excel at ballet dancing he said “I don’t want to learn to walk, I want to learn to fly........” How true that sounded to me. That’s exactly how I feel about life. I have learnt to walk, I have lived a wild life, but now its crunch time to really embrace life to it’s fullest. I have to, I won’t get a second chance.
That movie made me feel so relaxed for the rest of the day, like it meant something. I don’t think I’ afraid of getting older. Anyway, people say now that I definitely don’t look my age anyway, I look more like 27 or 30. Which is a compliment, but it’s a superficial thing. I do look after myself with diet and gym and look quite fit. Very fit in fact if I look at myself in the mirror. I look healthy too, like I have some kind of summer glow. But all this vanity, even though I still look okay, doesn’t mean much to me anymore. It’s what’s going on inside my head which is the problem. Yes, sometimes I get the odd flirty look from guys and girls now checking me out. Ironically more from girls though. But I just don’t care about it now. If they knew I was HIV with a mental disorder they would probably not even take a second look at me.
I’m not interested in anything sexual, I think I am all sexed out, like I’m over it or something, but I’m not a loner either. I still get out and about and do stuff. Who knows?, one day my prince will come. I’m not actively looking but he (or she) is out there somewhere.
………………………………
Almost on a daily basis, especially during these warm summer days I spend a few hours a day in the Botanic Gardens. I sit in a peaceful place in the gardens under a slight shade and taking in the peacefulness and just either think or do what I am finding addictive; writing.
But just the other day something strange happened to me that touched my heart. So I will end my story with this.
I was in the Botanic gardens on a Sunday, the busiest day in the gardens, not really ideal for concentrating on writing so it’s a real test of patience with screaming kids everywhere. But I sat there writing and noticed a small boy was standing in front of me as I was typing on my laptop. I looked up and he just stared at me. I swear, he looked like me when I was about 5 or 6 years old. He just looked at me for a few moments with such curiosity. Then he said, ‘”What’s wrong?” Did I look upset? I didn’t think so.
“Nothing, nothing at all “I replied. Oddly he replied “I know”. I was confused but still to this day thought it was just some kind of trance. But it really happened. Then reached into his pocket and handed me something wrapped in a rainbow coloured napkin. You know, the find of napkins they have at kid’s parties. I apprehensively accepted it from him carefully as he handed it to me as I reach over my laptop, still seated. The napkin was warm. I opened up the napkin and it was one of those party sausage rolls coated with a little tomato sauce on top, all this intact. I swear, this happened. I was stunned and looked at him, he smiled and said “You can have this one, I have had enough”. “It’s from my birthday party” he continued. I was speechless and was so emotional I had hold back my tears. This was beyond irony. But I managed to mutter the words “Have a great birthday”. He replied “You too”. Then his mother called him in such a familiar sounding voice:
“Jay-Jay! Jay, where are you?....Jay-Jay, come back here!”
Then the little boy gave me a cute little smile and ran off to his mother. I thought I was going to cry. It was such a surreal feeling. As I watched that little boy run off to his mother I said to myself;
“Jay-Jay, I hope you have a wonderful life, but I also hope you know what you are in for, just be prepared for whatever life throws at you”.
I couldn’t type anymore, I was moved by this moment. Then suddenly I looked up again and that little boy and his mother disappeared, like magic. Did I imagine this? Or was it real? Or perhaps it was a sign? Who knows?
This experience was both a wake-up call and felt like a sign that despite what I have been through it is not too late to start again, regardless of age, or feeling of difference.
As I write these final words to my story right now, sitting in the summer sun in the Botanic Gardens in Melbourne, I really don’t think I had such a bad life. After all, what does ‘bad’ really mean? Life is such a treasured asset we all take for granted and still I am trying to find the meaning to my existence. Sometimes we experience things in life that we wish we didn’t. But that really comes with the journey. After all, we are all different, yet we are all human beings. I think it is time that we as human beings, should start treating each other with a little more dignity and respect. Don’t ever judge a book by its cover. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am sick of being judged by people in society that don’t even know me and make judgemental comments or assumptions. Get to know the person first, you may be pleasantly surprised. What goes around comes around. I truly believe that if you do some good, then it will be returned. Trust me, I have learnt this the hard way. But my journey of life has not ended yet. In fact, I’m starting again but it is not going to be easy. My battle of psychotic depression or whatever one doctor wants to label it, I don’t know, I have lost track of all the diagnoses they have given me over the years, I am still battling on. But I can tell you this. I will fight it and I know I can. I am trying not to dwell over my childhood or my sinful behaviour in my twenties, I will accept it and move on. I just need to convince myself of that.
All in all, I have had one hell of a wild rollercoaster ride of a life so far? I think parts of it was fun......except the scary stuff.
All that sex, drugs and ‘sausages rolls’, will be in my memory forever and never forgotten but it’s time for Jay Beau Andrews to grow up.
Yes, I am still verbally bullied about my past from ignorant people but I think I have developed a thick skin just to tolerate it.
So I took a deep breath, pushed aside all my anxieties, told myself I can get through this tough battle and continued to type whilst eating a gourmet quiche. Nothing wrong with eating quiche for just an ordinary Aussie guy.
Now if you don’t mind, I’ve a got a film script to write and this time it’s for real. But today, my rent is due once again.
THE END.
Epilogue.
Ever wondered what it would be like to spend a day, or life, in someone else’s shoes? This book does exactly that by creating the fictional character of Jay Beau Andrews.
You may be thinking that was quite a story with a lot going on. You are right. If you think it was the opposite, you are also right. This is totally subjective.
This story as a whole is inspired by real events in my own life.
; Jay Beau Andrews is not necessarily a representation of myself. He is created as someone I can relate to in many ways, but also envy some of the attributes I wished I had, or have.
So apart from the fictional characterisation aspect there are many underlining themes relation to those we need to talk more about. These are social issues that tend to be avoided for fear of feeling rejected or misunderstood.
Unfortunately still today there are a lot of nasty (and repulsive) people out there who just want to bring you down because they themselves have such pitiful lives. This is called envy and jealously and although name-calling and bullying hurts, it does toughen you up and make you eventually realise that it is ‘them’ who are ‘ugly’. Not you.
Bullying occurs because of envy and the fear of seeing another looking ‘different’ for whatever reason. Remember, they are the ones who are sick.
If you are bullied it is because they are jealous about some quality you have. It is true.
The other issue is about understanding your own sexuality and that it does not need to be labelled. Discrimination is no longer tolerated and you have more power than ever to take action. The story about Jay being forced to move from rented home to home due to harassment and bullying should never happen, but it does. There is no law for this behaviour and this needs to change NOW!
I hope anyone out there experiencing anything discussed in this story will take something inspirational away and work it to your own advantage.
James Ford.