Five Red Herrings

by Dorothy L. Sayers

  With these words, the Inspector handed over a neatly-written manuscript which he produced from his breast-pocket, and leaned back with the shy smile of a poet attending a public reading of his own works.

  The Fiscal adjusted his glasses and, in a clear voice, proceeded to do justice to –

  The Case against Gowan

  The evidence of the girl Helen McGregor is that Campbell met with another motorist, since proved and admitted to be Gowan, on the Gatehouse-Kirkcudbright road at about 9.45 on Monday night. That there was a quarrel, and that one of the parties then placed the inanimate body of the other party in the two-seater car and drove off with it in the direction of Gatehouse. That she then became frightened and ran home. This story was subsequently substantiated by the finding of a spanner, bearing Campbell’s finger-prints, close to the locus of the alleged assault, and by the discovery of car-tracks tending to show that a car had been driven into a grass lane, through a gate some fifty yards from the said locus.

  In my opinion, the crime is to be reconstructed as follows.

  Having killed Campbell in the struggle, Gowan’s first consideration was to remove the corpse to a place where it would not be seen by a passer-by. This he effected by placing it in his own car, driving up to the gate, and dumping the body inside. He selected his own car for this purpose because it was the nearest to Gatehouse and could be more readily shifted by him. If he had put the body at once in Campbell’s car, he would have had to move his own car first, to get the other past, and someone might have arrived while he was so doing. If such a person had found Campbell’s car obstructing the road and had ascertained upon investigation that it contained a dead body it would have a very suspicious appearance.

  He then brought up Campbell’s car, drove it through the gate, placed the body in it and deposited it at some distance up the lane. He then proceeded on foot to his own car, turned it and returned in it to Kirkcudbright. He could accomplish this, driving like hell (the last two words were carefully ruled out) in a reckless manner in rather under five minutes. Say at 10.10. The girl Helen saw him when he passed her house.

  He would find Hammond on duty and would urge him to return with him at once. On reaching the scene of the crime at, say, 10.20, he would proceed on foot to the Morris car and drive it out of the lane in the direction of Gatehouse, while Hammond would return with the two-seater to Kirkcudbright.

  Gowan could be back with the Morris at Standing Stone cottage at, say, 10.30. (Note: Ferguson gives the time as 10.15, but he only says ‘about.’)

  Gowan then conceives the plan of simulating an accident to Campbell. Since his black beard would make it impossible to impersonate Campbell, he shaves this off with Campbell’s razor, carefully cleaning the same, and destroying the hair in the fire, except a portion which he reserved for another purpose.

  When Strachan arrived, Gowan was in hiding some place or other, probably in the garage. On Strachan’s departure, he returned to the cottage in a stealthy manner, destroyed the note and proceeded with his preparations.

  At 7.30 he would start out with the car, disguised in Campbell’s clothes and carrying the corpse, the painting materials and the bicycle, which he would have taken from the Anwoth Hotel. Now we have to account for the long time taken by him to arrive at the New Galloway road, where he was seen by the workman. In my opinion he proceeded to some town or village not yet ascertained, and there instructed Hammond to meet him at some point with the two-seater. In my opinion this would be a locality in the neighbourhood of Pinwherry. Inquiries have been set on foot to trace this telephone message within an area of thirty miles round about Gatehouse.

  At this point the Chief Constable interrupted the reading.

  ‘Could not the call be readily traced at the Kirkcudbright end?’ he inquired.

  ‘No, no,’ said Wimsey, before Macpherson could speak. ‘Hammond would have been instructed to go somewhere else to get it. A desperate fellow like Gowan isn’t going to take all this trouble only to trip up on a trifle like a telephone-call, eh, Macpherson?’

  ‘That’s so,’ said the Inspector. ‘That’s jist exactly what was in my mind.’

  ‘Then why did he not tell Hammond what to do when they were together, and avoid the telephone call altogether?’ demanded Sir Maxwell.

  ‘He hadn’t made his plan then,’ said Wimsey. ‘How fretful you people are! Do give the man time to think. His first idea is, “Let’s get the body away off this road that I’m known to have driven along. I’ll plant it somewhere. I don’t know where. I’ll think it out and ’phone you tomorrow at 8 o’clock. Go to Laurieston or Twynholm (or Kamschatka or Timbuctoo or whatever was the handiest place) and I’ll put the call through to you there.” After all, you’ve got to explain the delay on the road somehow. Ferguson is a liar, Strachan fell down a mine, Farren – let me see; oh, yes – Farren was a poor hand with a car and Gowan made a telephone call. Please go on with the reading, Fiscal.’

  Gowan then proceeded to the site on the Minnoch and painted his picture. This would occupy him till about 11.30. He then mounted the bicycle and rode along the road to Pinwherry and Girvan to the spot selected by him. It would be just as he had passed Barrhill that he was observed by Mr. Clarence Gordon. Mr. Gordon said that the bicyclist was not a very tall man, but Gowan would not look so tall if he was bent down over a bicycle and pedalling fast. Without his beard, Gowan would not be recognisable from his photograph. Hammond would meet him with the two-seater some place between Barrhill and Girvan, and he would be provided with any necessary tackle for securing the bicycle to the car. They would drive together to just this side of Girvan, where Hammond would alight, take the bicycle and proceed to Ayr, contriving whether by design or mischance to lose the bicycle in the station. It will be remembered that the person travelling with the bicycle was said to speak like an Englishman. Gowan then proceeded with the car to some point from which he could write and dispatch his letter to Major Aylwin. He would not wish to make his appearance in Kirkcudbright without his beard so that he probably did not return till that night. Efforts are being made to trace the movements of the car during this period.

  With reference to the portions of beard discovered on the Gatehouse-Kirkcudbright road. It would occur to Gowan and his confederates that the fact of murder might be suspected and his own movements investigated. In that case the shaving-off of his beard and his disappearance to London might present a suspicious appearance. They therefore concocted a story to fit the case, and planted the portions of hair by the roadside in order to support this invention. This was the story subsequently told by Gowan at Scotland Yard, which was very misleading, on account of containing so large a proportion of facts. The details of Gowan’s escape from Kirkcudbright occurred exactly as related in his statement. This is the case against Gowan as presented by me.

  (Signed) John macpherson,

  Inspector of Police.

  ‘Ingeniouser and ingeniouser,’ said Wimsey. ‘There are a good many details that need verification, but the whole thing is very pretty indeed. What a shocking set of crooks these English servants are! Not even murder will turn them from their feudal devotion to the man who pays!’

  The Inspector flushed.

  ‘Ye’re tryin’ tae make a fool of me, my lord,’ he said, reproachfully.

  ‘Indeed, no,’ replied his lordship. ‘One thing in your story pleases me particularly, and that is that you have bravely tackled the business of the bicycle at Euston, which everybody else has fought shy of.’

  At this point, Constable Ross cleared his throat in so pointed a manner that everyone turned to look at him.

  ‘I perceive from your manner, Ross,’ said his lordship, ‘that to you also the word bicycle has not been devoid of significance. With the permission of these other gentlemen, I should greatly like to hear your version of the matter.’

  The constable looked at the Chief Constable for his approval, and receiving a nod, embarked upon his theory.

  ‘The thing that’
s in my mind,’ said he, ‘is this man Waters. Here’s a man wi’ a verra unsatisfactory alibi, which is no capable o’ proof. We have not yet established communication wi’ this man Drewitt an’ his sailing-yacht—’

  ‘Just a moment, Ross,’ broke in the Chief Constable. ‘We got a wire in from him this morning from Arisaig. We just missed him at Oban. He wires, “Waters joined us at Doon 8.30 Tuesday morning. Left yacht Gourock Saturday. Writing.” He has also, I understand, made a confirmatory statement to the police.’

  ‘Aye,’ said Ross, not in the least disconcerted, ‘ay, imph’m. But we dinna ken what kind o’ a man is this Drewitt. He’ll be for backing up Waters ony gait, tae my thinkin’. He may swear till he’s black in the face Waters went aboard at the Doon, but the fact remains that naebody saw him to speak to, an’ the bicycle has clean disappeared. In my opinion, yon bicycle is doon in the deep waters betune Arran an’ Stranraer, an’ ye’ll never see it mair till it rises oot o’ the sea tae bear witness at the great Day of Judgment. Unless,’ he added, with some sacrifice of picturesqueness, ‘ye sairch for’t wi’ deep-sea tackle.’

  ‘What’s your idea, then, Ross?’

  ‘Well, Sir Maxwell, ’tis this, an’ ’tis awfu’ clear an’ simple tae my thinkin’. Here’s Campbell, fou’ as a puggie an’ looking for trouble. He has a row wi’ Waters an’ says it’ll no end there. He’s aff away to Gatehouse, an’ he meets Gowan an’ gets the better o’ him. “That’s fine,” thinks he, “it’s my night the night.” He’s away home an’ he gets drinkin’ again, and he thinks to himsel’, “What for wad I no drag that bastard Waters” (beggin’ your pardon) “oot o’ his bed an’ finish wi’ him now?” He gets his car oot again an’ starts away. Ferguson will be asleep an’ no hearin’ him. He admits himsel’ he didna hear Strachan gae, an’ what for wad he ha’ heard Campbell? He drives ower tae Kirkcudbright an’ chucks stones at Waters’ window. Waters looks oot, sees him an’ thinks, “We’ll no have a row in the street.” He lets him in an’ they talk a bit, an’ yin or t’ither o’ them says, “We’ll away up tae the stoojo an’ fight it oot.” They do so, an’ Campbell’s killt.

  ‘Waters is in an awfu’ pickle and doesna ken what tae do. He’s comin’ oot o’ the stoojo in a distracted condition when he meets his friend Drewitt, that’s visitin’ there wi’ his hired car. “Drewitt,” says he, “I’m in awfu’ trouble. I’ve killt a man,” he says, “an’ I dinna ken what tae do. It was a fair fight,” he says, “but they’ll bring it in murder an’ I’ll be hangit.” Then they puts their heids tegither an’ makes a plan. Drewitt’s away tae Mrs. McLeod’s for tae impairsonate Waters. An’ ye’ll mind,’ added Constable Ross, forcibly, ‘that Mrs. McLeod never set eyes on her lodger fra’ the time he went oot a little after midnicht. She heard him come upstairs, she heard him ca’ oot when she brought up the water, an’ when she came in fra’ the back o’ the hoose, he’d eaten his breakfast and away.’

  ‘Drewitt would be takin’ an awfu’ risk,’ said Macpherson.

  ‘Ay, but murderers maun tak’ risks,’ said Ross. ‘In the meantime, Waters is away wi’ Campbell’s car an’ his bicycle at the same time that Drewitt entered the hoose. Then he does a’ the same things as we’ve suggested for the other suspects. He’s away wi’ the body at 7.30. I’m thinkin’ he’ll ha’ ta’en the auld road through Gatehouse Station an’ he’ll maybe have had engine trouble in that lonely place, or burst a tyre an’ had tae change the wheel. The road’s wicked wi’ the ruts and the stones thereabouts. Ony gait, he passes the New Galloway turnin’ at 9.35 an’ arrives at the Minnoch at 10. He pents his picture, throws the body into the burn and makes off on his bicycle. He has plenty o’ time, for he’ll no be able tae carry oot the rest o’ his plan before nightfall. He hides up in the hills, an’ it’s here he’ll be cursin’ himsel’, for he’ll ha’ forgot tae bring wi’ him the sandwiches that was found in Campbell’s satchel. Ay, he’ll be fine an’ empty before night. When ’tis safe for him tae move, he rides his bicycle tae the appointed meetin’-place wi’ Drewitt.

  ‘Drewitt will ha’ been workin’ up the coast, like he said. It will ha’ been Drewitt as was seed tae go aboard at the Doon, an’ after that, the course o’ the yacht will agree wi’ Waters’ statement. In the night, she’ll make across fra’ Lady Bay tae Finnart Bay, an’ pick up Waters that’s ridden doon by the high road fra’ Pinwherry. They take the bicycle on board an’ return tae lie up in Lady Bay. After that they hae only tae carry oot their original sailing plan, an’ land Waters at Gourock on Saturday mornin’, after sinkin’ the bicycle some place where it’ll no be easy found. Man! it’s as plain as the nose on your face.’

  ‘But—’ said the Chief Constable.

  ‘But—’ said the Inspector.

  ‘But—’ said the Sergeant.

  ‘But—’ said Constable Duncan.

  ‘Imph’m,’ said the Fiscal. ‘All these theories are very interesting, gentlemen, but they are all conjectural. I congratulate you all extremely upon your ingenuity and hard work, but to say which theory is the most probable is a harder choice than that between Portia’s caskets. It appears to me that all are worth being followed up, and that the next step is to prosecute inquiries which may tend to confirm either one or the other of them. The movements of all cars upon the roads in the district must be checked with the greatest possible care. The man Drewitt must be interviewed and closely questioned, and the persons living about Finnart Bay and Lady Bay must be asked whether they observed anything of the movements of the yacht. At least we can feel certain that one among the five theories presented to us must be the true one, and that is something. Do you not think so, Lord Peter?’

  ‘Yes, Wimsey,’ said the Chief Constable. ‘You told the Inspector the other day that you had solved the problem. Are you in a position to give a casting vote? Which of our suspects is the murderer?’

  THE MURDERER

  ‘This,’ said Lord Peter Wimsey, ‘is the proudest moment of my life. At last I really feel like Sherlock Holmes. A Chief Constable, a Police Inspector, a Police Sergeant and two constables have appealed to me to decide between their theories, and with my chest puffed like a pouter-pigeon, I can lean back in my chair and say, “Gentlemen, you are all wrong.”’

  ‘Damn it,’ said the Chief Constable, ‘we can’t all be wrong.’

  ‘You remind me,’ said Wimsey, ‘of the steward who said to the Channel passenger, “You can’t be sick here.” You can all be wrong and you are.’

  ‘But we’ve suspected everybody,’ said Sir Maxwell. ‘See here, Wimsey, you’re not going to turn round now and say that the crime was committed by Mrs. Green or the milkman, or somebody we’ve never heard of? That would be in the very worst tradition of the lowest style of detective fiction. Besides, you said yourself that the murderer was an artist, and you even picked out those six artists yourself. Are you going back on that now?’

  ‘No,’ said Wimsey, ‘I wouldn’t do anything quite so mean as that. I’ll qualify my original statement. You are all wrong, but one of you is less wrong than the rest. Still none of you has got the right murderer, and none of you has got the whole of the method right, though some of you have got bits of it.’

  ‘Don’t be portentous and tiresome, Wimsey,’ said Sir Maxwell. ‘There is a serious side to this matter. If you possess any information that we do not, you ought to let us have it. In fact, you ought to have let us have it at once, instead of wasting our time like this.’

  ‘I did let you have it at once,’ said Wimsey. ‘I let you have it on the day of the crime, only you keep on forgetting it. And I haven’t really been holding anything up my sleeve. I had to wait till all the suspects were roped in before I could be certain of my theory, because at any moment something might have turned up to unsettle it. And I haven’t actually proved it now, though I’ll undertake to do it any time you like.’

  ‘Come, come,’ said the Fiscal, ‘please tell us what it is you’re wanting to prove, and you shall be given every op
portunity.’

  ‘Right-ho! I will be good. Now we’ll have to go back to the discovery of the body. The crucial point of the whole problem was there, and I pointed it out to you, Dalziel, and that was the thing that made us sure from the start that Campbell’s death was murder and no accident.

  ‘You remember how we found the body. It was lying in the burn, cold and stiff, and on the easel up above there was a picture, half-finished, together with a palette, a satchel and a painting-knife. We went through all the belongings of the dead man, and I said to you, “There’s something missing, and if we can’t find it, it means murder,” You remember that, Dalziel?’

  ‘I mind it fine, Lord Peter.’

  ‘In Campbell’s satchel we found nine tubes of oil colour – vermilion, ultramarine, two chrome yellows, viridian, cobalt, crimson lake, rose madder and lemon yellow. But there was no flake white. Now, as I explained to you at the time, it is absolutely impossible for a painter in oils to make a picture without using flake white. It is the fundamental medium which he uses to mix with his other colours to produce various shades of light and shadow. Even a man like Campbell, who used a great deal of pure colour, would as soon think of setting out to paint without flake white as you would to set out to catch trout without a cast. And in any case, the proof that Campbell had been using flake white that morning was proved by the picture itself, which contained huge masses of white cloud, wet and fresh and just laid on.

  ‘A glance at the palette confirmed this. It had seven blobs of colour on it, in this order: White, cobalt, viridian, vermilion, ultramarine, chrome yellow and rose madder.

  ‘Well, you know how we searched for that missing tube of colour. We turned out Campbell’s pockets, we scoured every inch of the ground and we lifted – or rather, you lifted, because I’d made tracks like a sensible man – every stone in that confounded stream, right down to the bridge. I told you the tube would probably be a big one, but that it might, of course, be nearly empty and therefore rather light. If it had been anywhere about, I think we may take it that you would have found it.’