by Amanda Heath
“She will get over it. I’m sorry, but you’re not Spencer.” He gives me a full blown smile after that, and he makes me feel ten years younger.
“And you’re not Lucy.” Aww...what a sweetie. I’ll have to tell Lucy I approve.
*****
We sit out in the graveyard for a while longer. Mostly quiet. I think he knows I don’t want to talk about anything at all. I want to be wrapped up in my own head for a little while. I have to get these thoughts in order at some point.
When I get up to leave, Mason gives me a small hug and a kiss on the forehead. It’s not romantic, whatsoever. I feel about him the same way I do my brothers. He’s just better looking. As I climb into my car, he just walks off into the woods. I don’t know what it is about Mason, but he almost seems wild at times.
I drive home in silence because it helps me think better. Pulling up into the driveway, I see Spencer open the door. I hope he didn’t get all jealous like Lucy. That’s just what I need. You know something terrible happened to me. I do not have time or the willpower to start a lovers’ quarrel right now.
I get out of the car and walk up slowly. I really hope he doesn’t give me the third degree. I’m so not in the mood for that. “Hey,” is all that comes out of his mouth.
I step up to him and look into his pale blue eyes. “Hi.” I don’t know what else to say to him. The silence is awkward, but I’m in no hurry to fill it.
“So...did you have fun with Mason?” How did I know he was going to go there? If he only knew. Spencer is the guy. The one. It may have taken me way too many years to figure that out, but I have. If only he could see it.
Instead of answering him, I stand on my toes and lay one on him. I lick his bottom lip so he will open his mouth. When he does I slip my tongue into his mouth and wrap my arms around his neck. His lips move under mine in a sensual caress and I feel…nothing. Wait...what?
I pull away with a gasp. Spencer has lust in his eyes, but when I back up he drops his hands and steps away. “I’m sorry...I just...I’m...” I stutter.
“It’s okay, Harley. It’s too soon. I didn’t mean to push you too far.” He looks sad and disappointed, but I know he’s disappointed in himself.
“You didn’t, I swear. I’m trying to say that I didn’t feel anything.” I’m so ashamed that I said that out loud, but he has to know it wasn’t him. I don’t want him hurting anymore.
“Well...okay, then. I’m just going to head...umm...away.” He starts to turn around to go back into the house, but I grasp his wrist to stop him.
“No, Spencer, I enjoyed the kiss. It just didn’t turn me on. Wait...that sounds bad.” Gah! I’m messing it all up again. “I don’t know what to say to make it better. I wanted the kiss; I wanted to be turned on. I’m trying to say, it’s me, not you.” Fuck that’s worse than anything I have said before!
“Yeah, Harley, that’s what every guy wants to hear.” He rolls his eyes and jerks his wrist out of my grasp. I feel sick inside. I guess I should have said even if Channing Tatum came up and kissed me, I wouldn’t feel a thing.
Spencer
I can’t believe that just happened. How do you even handle that? I mean, wow. I’m utterly speechless and want to puke. I do realize that she went through a huge ordeal, but damn that was harsh.
My mom is standing in the living room when I enter the house. Fuck, I just got dumped while my mom was listening. “Spencer, Harley, can I have a word? I think I can help with your situation.”
I sigh and walk over to the couch. If mom wants to tell you something, then you better get ready to listen. Woman could talk your ears completely off. Harley takes the seat next to me and grabs my hand. I want to pull away, but I don’t. She’s been through too much for me to act like a total asshole over this.
“Now, Harley, I’m not sure if Spencer told you or not but I was raped repeatedly by my husband.” She takes in a shuddering breath, and I almost get up, but she gives me her look. You know that one where it says, “I’ll hit you upside the head, boy”. “I know it’s not the same situation, but they are close enough that I know what you are going through. I also know why you couldn’t feel anything with Spencer.”
Harley looks a little green, so I squeeze her hand. She gives me a half smile and my stomach flutters. It wasn’t a whole smile, but it sure is close enough. “Now, after the last time with Spencer’s father, I dated the sheriff for a little while. At first, I couldn’t get turned on whenever we tried to get physical.”
“Oh my god, Mom, that is so gross!” I exclaim. That is what every guy wants to hear.
“Shut up, Spencer, I’m getting to my point.” She glares at me. “He took me to a shrink and they said I had HSDD which stands for Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. It’s very common among rape victims. It pretty much means you have no desire to have sex. I’m not saying this is what you have, but it could be. I talked to your father earlier and we both think you need to go see a psychologist. Now, before you say no, I want you to know the one I went to is a woman. She is very nice and listens. She’s not one of those that makes you lay down or takes notes instead of listening.” She looks at Harley, full of hope. “So, what do you think?”
“I think I need to go. My head isn’t on right anymore and I would like to get it back in place. I also don’t want to hurt Spencer anymore. Or get really angry at Dad.” She shudders and tries to let go of my hand.
Yeah, I don’t think so.
“I’ll go with you, if you want. I won’t sit in on the sessions if you don’t want me to,” I say, rubbing my thumb over her palm; back and forth.
“I would like that.” Her lips twitch, and I think she is going to smile, but nothing happens.
*****
I’m sitting in the living room watching Family Guy on adultswim when Dean stops by. I’m not really in the mood for company, but I let him in anyway.
“What’s up, man?” He says, sitting down on the couch with me.
“Nothing,” I huff out.
“Are you going to act like a chick on her period for the rest of your life? Geez, lighten up!” He tries to make it sound like a joke, but I know that he is serious.
“I’m sorry. I just had a bad day.” I rub my hand down my face and sit up straighter on the couch. “Mom talked her into going to see a shrink. I told her that I would go with her.”
“That’s good. That is exactly what she needs.” He pauses and eyes me up and down. “Have you told her yet?”
“No, and I’m not going to. She has enough going on without all that shit Dylan said to fuck with her some more.” I sneer at the sound of his name. I will wish that bastard dead until the day I die.
“I’m not talking about that.” A chill goes down my spine when he says that.
“Shut the fuck up. Don’t bring that up anywhere near her. I told you that while I was upset, and you swore up and down you wouldn’t say shit to anybody, ever.” I have a secret, big fucking deal. Everybody does.
“I’m not going to, man. You know me better than that. I just think that you should tell her. These kinds of things always come out. She will handle it better if she hears it from you and not someone else.” After he says this, he says goodbye and leaves.
I think on what he said for another hour before heading to bed. Harley had curled up in my bed again. This time I was prepared for the sight. I had also put an air mattress on the floor to sleep on. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want another dislocated shoulder.
Chapter 16
Harley
As it turns out; I didn’t have to go anywhere to see a shrink. She came to me. Dr. Justine Newton is an older lady with salt and pepper hair. She has warm brown eyes and a sweet face. She is wearing an expensive black pant suit but she doesn’t flaunt it around like you see some rich people do.
I didn’t even have to get out of my PJs for this, which only includes a pair of red and grey sleep pants and a white tank top. Spencer chose to get dressed, though. He looks very sexy in his tight
white shirt and loose low ride jeans. He didn’t put any shoes or socks on. I’m surprised that his feet are nice looking, not hairy like some guys and his toes are neatly trimmed.
We are sitting on the couch in my living room and Dr. Newton is sitting in a kitchen chair Spencer brought in for her. She doesn’t even have a note pad or pen. She seems to be waiting on me to start talking, but I have no idea where to even begin.
“Harley, I know this might be awkward for you, but I’m leaving it up to you to start. Polly told me what happened, but I want you to tell me your side of things. You’re the only one in this house that was there,” she says to me in her soft voice.
I take a deep breath and grab Spencer’s hand before I begin speaking.
“My friends wanted to go to the bar that night. I went along, of course, but I only wanted one drink. I wasn’t looking to get drunk or anything. Spencer went with his friends, Dylan included, to a different bar. It didn’t seem all that strange at the time, but now that I look back on it, they usually go to the same bar we do. Though nobody expected Dylan to do what he did.”
I pause and a take a deep breath to calm my racing heart. “I ordered a beer and sipped on it before the girls wanted to get up and dance. We leave our drinks by themselves all the time there. Nothing had ever happened before. When we got tired of that, we headed back to the table. I drank the rest of my beer and it wasn’t long after that that I started to get sick.
The girls were wondering why I was acting so drunk with only one beer, but none of us thought it was because I got drugged.” My palms start to get sweaty and I try to let go of Spencer’s, hand but he won’t budge.
“I felt like throwing up, so Paige took me outside to get that done. Everything is fuzzy, but I do know that Paige got hit in the head not long after we went outside. She was holding me up, and when she fell, I fell. I remember Dylan walking up and thinking ‘Hey he will help me up’ and he did. He also did a lot more.” I shut my eyes, reliving the memories in my head. I don’t want to talk about this, but I know I have to if I want to return to my normal life. “He said some things to me but I can’t really recall any of it. I know he hit me a couple of times and slammed my head into his truck door. I know I threw up and I also know he had a knife. I was really confused while it was happening, I also remember that. I kept thinking that it feels really good when Spencer and I are having sex. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that it was hurting. I pictured Spencer’s face throughout and it made me feel as if I wasn’t totally alone.” This next part I brace myself for. Spencer is going to get upset because of it.
“When he was done, I saw death in his eyes. He didn’t want me to survive that night. He wanted me to die. That’s what I can’t figure out though, why did he want me to die? I have known him most of my life. We had always gotten along and I thought we were friends. I have so many good memories tainted now, because he is in them.”
“Not every person we think is good is actually good, Harley. And not every person we think is bad is actually bad. Rapists feel the need to dominate over a female. They have issues in life where other people make them feel weak and insecure. That is why they rape, to take that power away from a helpless woman. It makes them feel strong and powerful,” Dr. Newton says to me.
“I know that you are right, but it’s still all my fault. I walked around in short skirts and didn’t wear any panties. I was asking for it. I dressed like a slut because it made me feel sexy, but in the end it’s the reason this happened to me.” I know I have tears running down my face but I don’t raise my hand to wipe them away. I deserve them.
“That is where you are wrong, Harley. You are self-blaming for what happened to you. This is not your fault at all. The fault of this situation is all on Dylan’s shoulders. He is the one who chose to rape you. They were his choices, not yours.” She is trying to make me understand, but I can’t help but to have this guilt inside of me.
I did this to myself. I know I did.
“Spencer, you have been really quiet. Would you like to say anything? Your mother has told me a little about your situation as well.” She shifts her feet towards Spencer now.
I can sense his pale blue eyes are on me, but I don’t look up at him. I don’t want to see the blame there. Now that I have said it out loud he will think it’s my fault as well.
Spencer
I lost count how many times I flinched throughout her description of that night. It makes me want to beat the living shit out of Dylan, yet again. This time, I wouldn’t stop. He made her feel like this is her fault. How could she be so wrong? We all know this is my fault. I have to tell her so she will see it had nothing to do with her. I drug her into this because I wanted her.
“It’s not your fault, Harley. It’s my fault. I went to see Dylan at the jail while you were in the hospital. He said that he had wanted you for years. He couldn’t stand the fact that you ended up with me. He wanted to get back at me because we have something. So you see, it’s my fault, not yours.”
She lifts her head and meets my eyes with her dark blue ones. “He wouldn’t have wanted me if I didn’t dress the way that I did. I looked like a slut. I’m surprised this didn’t happen to me before. Guys thought I would want it no matter who was giving it to me, dressed like that.”
“I’m a guy, Harley. You didn’t dress like a slut. You dressed like a gorgeous young lady who has a beautiful body. You have every right to wear sexy clothes. Every woman has the right to look and feel sexy. Don’t let him take that from you. Sluts are girls that will sleep with anything that moves. You aren’t like that at all.” I squeeze her hand. I didn’t even realize I was still holding it.
Dr. Newton clears her throat and I flinch because I totally forgot that she was there. “That was very wise, Spencer. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Though, this isn’t either of your faults. Dylan is the one to blame. Whereas some men will take defeat and move on, Dylan didn’t. He took what he wanted without permission. It was wrong and no one made him do it. You two are really good people and this is something horrible that happened. I just want you all to realize that you didn’t bring it upon yourselves.”
“I know what you are saying is true, Dr. Newton, but I still feel guilty about it. He was one of my best friends. How could I have not seen what he truly was?” I ask her. I still can’t believe that the guy who did this was the same guy who used to drink beer out in my backyard and bullshit. He seemed so normal.
“He hid it very well. These kinds of people know how to do this. Harley may have been the first rape that we know of, but I will tell you, he was thinking about it for a while. It may not have been Harley that he was thinking of every time, I assure you. And if he hadn’t been caught, he would do it again and again. They crave the power it gives them.” She shifts her feet back towards Harley before speaking again.
“Now, Polly, said you had something else we need to discuss?”
I see a blush spread across Harley’s cheeks. I almost smile because she is embarrassed. Though I should be getting that way since we are about to talk about our sex life with this stranger. “Umm...last night, Spencer and I were kissing and...I...didn’t get turned on.” She takes a deep breath and rambles on. “It is really messing with my head, because Spencer is the only guy that has ever really turned me on. I don’t want to lose that and become some weird chick that can’t have sex.”
Okay, now that made me blush, but I also feel my ego boost up a bit.
Dr. Newton lets out a little laugh. “Harley, you were raped three days ago. Your body isn’t ready to have sex yet. Let it heal. You’ll be fine in that department, and you’ll know when you are ready for that kind of physical response. Now is just not the time.” She looks over at me.
“Can you handle that, Spencer?” Her eyebrows arch up in a ‘you better have the right answer to my question’ look.
“Yes, ma’am. I wouldn’t push Harley into that, anyway. I’ve never pushed anyone into that. No means no in my book.” Eve
ry guy should live by that motto.
“Good to hear. Not that I doubted you. It’s just good for Harley to hear it said out loud. I don’t want her to think she needs to have sex with you to keep you around.”
She stands up and walks over to the couch. Shaking both of our hands, she walks toward the door. “We should have another session next week. We covered a lot of ground today, but we aren’t anywhere close to being done.”
I turn to look at Harley, and raise her hand to my lips. “I’m not going anywhere, baby girl. You don’t have to worry about it. I would feel really weird if we jumped up and had sex right after what happened to you. In fact, I’m sure it will be awhile before I have the urge to have sex. This whole situation has fucked up my head.”
I do know one thing; Dr. Newton made me see that this wasn’t either of our faults. Not that I ever put the blame on Harley. Dylan would have done this with or without us in his life.
Chapter 17
Harley
Marissa. That is the name of the girl Spencer is talking to in my living room. It took me the entire 20 minutes that she has been here to figure that out. I remember, now, him telling me about her: his ex-girlfriend from LSU.
It’s been a whole month since our session with the shrink. We see Dr. Newton at least once a week. She says I’m still self-blaming and I guess that’s what I’m doing. I still feel like if I hadn’t run around in short skirts with no panties this wouldn’t have happened to me. I was easy pickings that night. If I had had underwear on maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy for him to get to me.
Spencer and I haven’t had sex either. We haven’t even kissed. I think he is afraid I won’t feel anything when we do. I can’t blame him for that either. I probably wouldn’t. I know I should let him go. He shouldn’t have to deal with a damaged, broken girlfriend. I just can’t bring myself to give him an out. He’s my angel, whether he thinks so or not.