by Amanda Heath
I’ve been standing in the doorway of my room listening to their conversation. You can’t see my door from the living room, so I figured it was a great place to eavesdrop. Before you roll your eyes, I know it’s a very immature thing for me to do. I just can’t help it. How would you feel if your boyfriend was sitting in the living room with his very beautiful ex-girlfriend? Not to mention she is the one who dumped him!
So far they have only been catching up. She seems really nervous, though. I hope she isn’t going to tell him she’s pregnant or something. I think I would go off the deep end.
“Quit with the small talk, Marissa, why are you here?” Spencer asks her with an impatient tone.
I hear her reposition herself on the couch. If that bitch is sitting any closer to him, I might have to punch her: just saying.
“Okay, so I have been thinking about what happened last month. I know you said it was a one-time thing. I just can’t stop wondering about you. I want us to get back together. I don’t care about my dad and his money anymore. I love you and we can do this without him in our lives.”
What the fuck happened last month? I can feel all the color drain out of my face. He didn’t. God, please tell me he didn’t.
“I told you that it meant nothing to me, Marissa. It still doesn’t. I love Harley. I didn’t mean for that to happen between us and I’m sorry if I hurt you.” I hear him sigh. “Harley needs me more than ever right now. I think it’s time for you to leave.”
“So that is it? You just come down to LSU, fuck my brains out, and then say it means nothing to you? That’s bullshit! We had something. I know that I let my dad talk me into breaking up with you, but he doesn’t matter anymore.” I can hear the venom in her voice with every word she spits out. The second she said “fuck my brains out” I felt all of the life in me drain out. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. The only time he could have had enough time to go to LSU and have sex with Marissa is the day I came home from the hospital. I feel sick. There is also this stabbing pain in my chest. I was so wrong.
Spencer isn’t an angel. He’s the fucking spawn of Satan dressed up like an angel. “Will you keep your voice down!? Harley is in her room. She doesn’t know about what happened and I would like to keep it that way.” I hear him get up off the couch and start pacing across the living room floor. “It was a mistake, Marissa. I told you when it happened it was a mistake. I love Harley and you’re not going to come in here and screw that up for me.”
I don’t know when I started to walk down the hallway into the living room, but that is where my feet wanted to go. They don’t even notice when I walk into the room. Their eyes are locked in an emotional stare down. I didn’t notice when she first showed up how much we look alike. Her hair is also auburn and she is curvy like me; though her clothes are expensive.
Marissa starts to open her mouth, but she sees me out of the corner of her eye and freezes. Her eyes go wide and I know that she knows who I am. Spencer sees her turn in my direction. When he sees me all the blood drains out of his face. Good. I hope he has a fucking heart attack and dies, lying on my living room floor.
“Too late, Spencer, she already screwed it up for you,” I say with a calm voice. It’s easy to sound calm when you’re so numb from all emotions have fleeing out the door.
Spencer
I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. She wasn’t supposed to hear that. I should have known though. It’s in Harley’s nature to be nosy. Who wouldn’t be when their boyfriend is talking to their ex-girlfriend?
I know what you are thinking. I’m a complete bastard. It’s true and I will never deny it. I wasn’t in a good place that day I went down to LSU. I wanted to let go of the stuff I was going through and Marissa was coming on pretty strong. I slipped up and I know that. I didn’t want Harley to find out because it didn’t mean anything.
“Harley, let me explain,” I say, noticing the calm way she spoke earlier.
“You don’t need to explain, Spencer. I’m pretty sure that I get it.” I can’t stand the way her eyes look so dead. The fire I’m so used to seeing in them hasn’t been there in a while. Though, with the doctor visits and talking about it, I thought she was getting back to her old self. I think this set her back to where she was before, if not farther.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I didn’t want you to find out this way.” I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt her. Though that’s what every guy says when they do something like this.
“No, you didn’t want me to find out at all.” She turns toward Marissa. “Did you know about me before you slept with him?” I can feel the tension coming off of Marissa. I really hope she doesn’t decide to say anything mouthy to her. She is liable to get punched in the face.
“Yes, I knew about you. I just thought I could get him back.” Marissa’s voice is shaky. The girl doesn’t like confrontation.
“Then you are just as much of a whore as he is. I don’t understand how a woman can do this to another woman. You knew he was taken yet you did it anyway. It makes you worse than he is,” she spit out.
I open my mouth to say something, anything, just to make her forgive me; just to make her stay. She doesn’t give me the chance. She throws a glare my way and walks her denim-covered ass out the front door. It takes me a second, but I run after her. Marissa tries to stop me by grabbing my arm, but I throw her off. No one is stopping me from getting to Harley. When I get out of the door she is getting into her car. I take off at a run and pull the door back open before she gets it all the way shut.
“Baby girl, talk to me,” I plead.
She gets out of the car and comes flush to my body. “Don’t ever fucking call me that again! Don’t ever fucking touch me again! Don’t ever fucking think about me again! You have hurt me more than Dylan ever could have! I loved you, Spencer Grady, and you fucking spit on that.”
She turns and gets back into her car. She starts it up and pulls out of the driveway. All the while I’m just standing there. I feel like the biggest tool on the planet right now. I just threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.
I walk back into the house in a daze. She said she loves me. When you hear those words out of a girl like Harley, you should cherish it.
What do I do? Fuck someone else. I know I was going through a lot at the time, but that’s not an excuse. God, I should be put down.
Marissa is sitting on the couch in her expensive clothes looking all prim and proper. If the world only knew what a kink she was in the sack.
“Get the fuck out. I never want to see you again.”
She looks shocked for a second, then quickly grabs up her purse and runs out the door. Good fucking riddance. Richard appears in the door way and looks around in confusion. “What’s all the noise about?”
I just shake my head and fall to the ground. My chest hurts and I can’t catch my breath. She’s gone. She won’t ever forgive me for this. It might be rightfully so, but I’m selfish because I still want her to put up with me.
My mom sits down in front of me and puts both of her hands on my face. “What’s wrong Spencer? You are scaring us.” She says it so calmly that it fucks with my head.
Why is she so calm? Harley isn’t mine anymore. Mom uses her thumbs to wipe away wetness from under my eyes. I’m fucking crying? “I cheated on Harley...she’s gone, mom.”
Chapter 18
Harley
No tears come. I think I would at least cry about this, but I’m not. I keep thinking back to the pain on his face. It gives me a small thrill to remember it. He should be hurting. He should be burning in hell. He has been feeding me such bullshit for the past month; telling me that he will always be there for me. He would never hurt me. Fucking dick.
I had no destination in mind when I left my house. So I’m surprised that my mind took me somewhere at all. I should have kept driving until I was so far away no one would ever find me. What do I really have going for me here anymore? Everyone I know looks at me with pity or g
uilt. Well, Spencer didn’t, but his ass doesn’t matter anymore.
Mason doesn’t look at me that way either. I guess that’s why I’m sitting outside his house. I have been spending quite a bit of time with him over the past month. I like the fact that he doesn’t make me talk about what happened. He doesn’t make me feel weird about it either. Mason just lets me...be.
I get out of the car and walk up to the house. It’s a one-story and painted light blue. It has dark blue shutters on the windows and a white front door. I see Mason’s brown hair appear in the window on the door before he opens it. “What’s up, sweetie?” He asks me as I walk up to him.
I don’t know what it is, but I see his face and just break down. I throw my arms around his neck and the tears finally come. I was seriously starting to think something was wrong with me. “He slept with someone else when I was in the hospital,” I sob out.
Mason tenses and you can almost feel the ripple of anger run through him. “How did you find this out?” He says it with a calm voice, but I know calm is the farthest thing away from what he actually is.
“She came here to talk to him. I was listening to their conversation from my bedroom. He didn’t want me to find out.” I’m sobbing harder now. I keep praying that the tears falling from my eyes are washing away my love for Spencer, but they aren’t. I still love the stupid fucker.
“Of course he didn’t want you to find out. Not only would it hurt you, but he would lose you in the process.” He sighs and leads me into the house.
I feel a tissue pushed into my hand and look up to see Lucy standing there. Her eyes are shinning with tears, so I know that she heard what I told Mason. She pulls me into her arms and I go willingly. This is the kind of pity I can take. “You don’t know how hard it is for me not to go beat the crap out of him,” she whispers into my ear.
I bark out a weak laugh. Lucy wouldn’t hurt a fly, which makes her relationship with Mason strange. He leads a gang for crying out loud.
Which reminds me, “Mason, don’t do anything to him, okay? I know that you want to but, please, for me, just let it go. I’ll move on and he will just be a blip on my radar.” I say this, but I know it’s easier said than done. Only he had the power to hurt me when I was already down.
My cell phone starts buzzing in my shorts so I fish it out. My dad’s face looks back up at me and I hit ‘decline.’ I haven’t really talked to him since that day he told me about what my mother did. I know he only blurted it out because he was upset with me, but it still stung nonetheless.
“Your dad?” Lucy asks me with her arms still wrapped around my waist. I nod and pull away. I sit down on the grey couch in the middle of the living room. I take off my flip flops and place my feet on the black coffee table sitting in front of the couch. “This so completely blows,” I state.
Lucy comes to join me on the couch. “Want to call the girls over? We can pig out on junk food and watch stupid girly movies,” she says hopefully.
The four of us haven’t been together since I got raped. I don’t know why. I think what happened to me changed a lot about my friends. I talk to Lucy way more now than I did before. I may have talked to Carter once or twice on the phone, and she only came over when I got out of the hospital.
Carter can’t handle sadness and pain, and even though I was there for her shortly before this all happened, she can’t be bothered to be here now. I guess it takes a great tragedy to find out who your true friends are.
Before you think that I’ve only seen Lucy because I have been hanging out with Mason, don’t. Lucy calls me every day. She comes over all the time. Mason has nothing to do with it. She may look at me with pity, but I would rather have that than have her abandon me. “How about just you, Mason and me? I don’t really feel like having everyone over. Paige will bring Dean and Carter will bring Liam. I just can’t handle all that right now.”
She nods before we hear Mason’s angry, raised voice coming from the front yard. “What is he yelling at?” Lucy asks out loud. I shrug my shoulders and get up to go look out the window.
Mason is standing in the middle of the yard on his cell phone. He is yelling and I can catch a cuss word every now and then. “I don’t know who he is yelling at, but I sure hope they have insurance to cover a psychiatrist for PTSD. Jesus Christ!”
Spencer
“How could you be so stupid, Spencer?!” My mom yells at me from beside the stove. After my breakdown on the floor of the living room, we moved the party to the kitchen. Oh, what a party it is. Richard has been silent the whole time. You might think that it’s a good thing, but you would be wrong. His face is contorted in anger. I have a feeling I will be getting the shit beat out of me today.
“I wasn’t in a good place that day, Mom. Marissa was coming on strong and I couldn’t handle the memories of Harley’s face and what Dylan said to me. I just wanted it all to go away.” I stopped crying a while ago, but I feel new tears choking up in the back of my throat. I never thought I would be this guy. I never thought in a million years that I would cheat on someone.
“I understand where you are coming from, but you still did this. I can only hope you didn’t put a damper on Harley’s recovery.” My mom has this way of making me feel like I killed every single puppy and kitten on the face of the earth.
“Never mind all that. We need to find Harley. She wouldn’t answer her phone when I called her earlier.” Richard looks panicked, but I know where she is. There is only one place she would go that I won’t follow.
“She went to Mason’s. She has been hanging out with him for the past month. I’ll give him a call to be sure.” I didn’t wait for an answer. I just walked out into the living room, pulling out my cell phone.
Mason answers on the third ring. “You have a lot of nerve calling me after what you did.”
“I know, man. I just want to know if she is there.”
“Yes, she is here. She is in there crying her eyes out on Lucy’s arm. You don’t even know what you had, Spencer. I’m just fucking stunned at what you did.”
I flinch. It hurts to hear that kind of thing. It also makes me angry.
“Do you even know what you have? You’ve been sniffing around Harley for so long I don’t think you even realize.”
The phone goes silent but I know he is still there. After a while, he answers me. “I’m going to let that go, Spencer. I know you’re fucked in the head right now. I will say this though, I’m with Lucy and I will always be with Lucy. Harley is a good friend. A good friend I would do anything for. Just remember that.” Then the line goes dead.
“Go get her, Spencer. You make her feel good enough to come home. I don’t want her staying out of this house just because she doesn’t want to be around you,” Richard says from behind me.
“Yes, sir,” I reply.
*****
The drive to Mason’s is about 20 minutes. My fingers drum against the steering wheel the whole way there. I’m about to get my face kicked in for coming over here. Mason doesn’t like me at all. I don’t think he ever has.
I slowly make my way out of my truck and shut the door. Before I can even take a step toward the front door, Harley comes running out with…fucking shit…with a baseball bat in hand. I cover my head before she reaches me, but it’s not me she swings at. It’s my truck. The truck that I spent an entire summer working my ass off at my uncles shop for. It’s also the only vehicle I have.
“You fucking piece of shit!” Harley yells right before her bat connects with my windshield. I hear the glass cracking.
“I hate you, Spencer Grady! I fucking hate you!” Since my head is covered by my arms, I didn’t see her pull out a gun. I hear four pops before all is silent. Well, for a second, anyway. I hear the bat hit one of the windows or the back glass, I’m not sure. “What we had was special! How could you do this to me?”
She is sobbing as she crashes the bat into my truck. I can’t take it anymore. I get up off the ground and walk over to her. I grab her wrist before s
he can smack the bat into anymore of my truck. “Calm down, baby girl, just calm down,” I say in a soothing voice.
She tenses when I say “baby girl” but I can’t bring myself to care.
“Don’t fucking call me that. You don’t have the right anymore. Go find Marissa and call her baby girl,” she all but screams in my ear.
“I don’t want her to be my baby girl. I want you. It will always be you, Harley. I don’t want any other hot-headed, stone-cold chick but you. You are my everything and always will be. I can’t take back what I did, but I will go the rest of my life trying to win your forgiveness.” I place a soft kiss on her forehead. I keep my arms around her because I’m not ready to let go.
I’ll never be ready to let go.
Chapter 19
Harley
I know he means what he says, but it’s not enough. I feel as if my heart was wrenched from my chest and stomped on. How can you even go about forgiving someone for cheating on you while you’re in the hospital for being raped? You fucking don’t, that’s how.
I’m not calm enough yet to speak to him. I want to tell him to fuck off and punch him in the face, but I decide that’s not a good idea. I already went psycho-Carrie Underwood on his truck. I take a few calming breaths and look into his pale blue eyes. They are full of pain and longing. Good. He should be in pain.
“You will never win my forgiveness, Spencer Grady. What you did was unforgiveable,” I say coldly.
He flinches but doesn’t let me go. We are staring into each other’s eyes, pouring out all the pain and hurt we feel in just glances.
Then he does the one thing I least expect. He kisses me. He slams his lips onto mine rather roughly. They are soft and warm and send a small thrill through me. I don’t want to kiss him back, but my body, or rather, my lips have other ideas. His tongue shoots out to lick my bottom lip for entrance and I let him in. Maybe it will be one last kiss for us. Maybe it will be enough closure for me to finally let go of who I thought he was. Maybe I didn’t even know who he really was to begin with. I have known him my whole life, but what did I really know about Spencer Grady?