Decoding Love

by Andrew Trees

  In fact, being liked or disliked tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy because it ends up affecting one’s behavior and, thus, shaping others’ perception. We act as if we are liked or disliked, and people tend to treat us in ways that fit with our behavior.

  Similarity in values still counts, though, so don’t neglect that. In one study, blind dates were randomly told that they were similar or dissimilar in their attitudes toward life. Guess which couples ended up liking each other a lot more? The ones who had been told they were similar. Despite the premise behind almost all romantic comedies that opposites attract, dissimilar attitudes tend to repulse possible suitors. According to a 1986 study, people who said nothing were rated significantly more likable by the speakers than people who expressed dissimilar attitudes.

  If you do find yourself attracted to someone with dissimilar attitudes, make sure that you laugh at his or her jokes, because humor plays a powerful role in attraction. Researchers led students to believe that an unseen stranger was 90 percent similar or dissimilar. The students read a joke to the stranger over an intercom, and the stranger either laughed or offered a neutral response. The result? Laughter proved far more important than similarity. When the students’ attraction to the stranger was later measured, the 90 percent dissimilar person who laughed at the joke was seen as more attractive than the 90 percent similar person who didn’t.

  Be choosy, but not too choosy. Let me be a little more precise. You should send out signals that you are choosy but not toward the person you are trying to attract. Several studies were unable to find evidence to support the idea that playing hard to get is a successful strategy. While people like choosy partners, studies show that they only like them when they are choosy with others, not with themselves. In one study, men and women were presented with a choice between people who were “very choosy,” “choosy,” and “not choosy.” Both sexes were most attracted to people described as choosy and not attracted to the very choosy, with women even more negative about this category than men.

  Try to avoid dating someone out of your league. Studies have shown that dating someone with a similar level of attractiveness leads to greater satisfaction and success in the relationship.

  Try to marry someone who has had roughly the same number of prior sexual partners as yourself. Research has found that, on average, these couples feel greater commitment and satisfaction about their relationship and also experience greater love for each other.

  Lay off the porn. Studies have shown that men and women who view X-rated materials are less satisfied with their partners and less supportive of marriage.

  Obstacles can increase attraction—if they come from outside the relationship. Researchers have documented a “Romeo and Juliet effect,” finding that both married and unmarried couples exhibited a strong correlation between the love they have for another and the level of parental interference. More interference led to greater love.

  Take a date to Knocked Up, not There Will Be Blood, and by extension, look for any ways to improve a date’s mood. Studies show that a good mood enhances attraction, while a bad mood can snuff it out.

  Give the person a prolonged hug—provided, of course, that the hug won’t come across as creepy. After a twenty-second hug, the brain releases oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust.

  If you have been chatting with someone for a while and want to gauge how things are going, try to see if the two of you have developed any synchrony. When you turned to face her, did she turn to face you? When he leaned forward, did you soon do the same thing? But don’t simply start mirroring the other person—he’ll think you are some weird Marcel Marceau impersonator.

  When you are dating someone, treat him or her as if he or she already has the qualities you seek. Studies have shown that people try to live up to the good opinion that their partners have of them.

  FOR HIM

  In the end, none of this is rocket science. The qualities that attract women are rather predictably the qualities that any woman would want in a long-term partner. According to one study, women claimed that the best methods for attracting them were showing good manners and being helpful and caring. Not surprisingly, another study revealed that these were also the qualities about which men often tried to deceive women. Some men admit that they often volunteer to take a friend’s puppy for a walk because it sends such powerful signals about the man being a caring individual. You can take this to its logical extreme and ask what effect taking care of a baby might have on women, and researchers have done precisely this. Women were shown pictures of the same man standing alone, interacting positively with a baby, or ignoring a baby in distress. Unsurprisingly, women were most attracted to the man when he was playing with the baby. Alas, the same signal will not work for women—a similar study done with a woman showed no change in the men’s opinion of the woman’s attractiveness, no matter what she was doing with the baby. Of course, if casual sex is all that is on offer, displays of physical prowess by men greatly increase their chances of success.

  Forget the big come-on. You don’t need the right line to meet a woman. According to one magazine poll, just saying hello works 71 percent of the time for men (it works 100 percent of the time for women, but we already know that women are the choosier sex).

  Are you the type of person who starts jabbing your finger at someone when you get excited? Stop doing or making gestures that could be perceived as threatening. You should treat your physical approach with the care of a bird-watcher trying not to scare away his quarry. According to anthropologist David Givens, an open palm is a good, nonthreatening movement. As for touch, he recommends a hand to the small of her back when assisting her, as a way to convey self-assurance with an undertone of sexuality.

  You don’t need Hans and Franz to pump you up. Women prefer an average-size male torso and consider a heavily muscular body unattractive.

  Although sweatpants are comfortable, think about putting on something a little nicer. When women were shown pictures of men, the better dressed the subject was, the higher they were inclined to rank him in all sorts of areas, including the likelihood of having a one-night stand with him.

  Lay off the cologne. According to a recent study, the smell of it turns women off. How did the researchers know? The women’s vaginal blood flow decreased. Instead, try eating some Good ’n Plenty candy. For some reason, that smell increased vaginal blood flow.

  The advice your father gave you on handshakes is absolutely true: the firmer, the better. According to new research, handgrip strength in men is directly related to reproductive fitness. Researchers have found that men with strong grips are healthier and more dominant, have a more masculine body type, have sex at a younger age, and have more sexual encounters. Unfortunately, you can’t simply buy handgrips and fake it—grip strength is largely genetic and is tied to your testosterone production.

  For the squeakers out there, try to speak with a low-pitched voice. Women prefer a lower-pitched voice and see it as attractive, healthier, and more masculine. It’s likely an evolutionary signal of genetic fitness. In a study of hunter-gatherers, men with lower-pitched voices had more children.

  Hang out with attractive women. One study found that men were judged to be more attractive when they were with an attractive woman than they were when they were by themselves (the reverse also held true—men with unattractive women were judged to be less attractive).

  Become a feminist—not because it’s the right thing to do but for the chicks! According to one study, a man’s belief in equality between the sexes had the greatest influence on both a woman’s platonic and romantic attraction to him.

  If you get a woman back to your place, put on rock music, not jazz. One study showed that women who were listening to rock music judged photos of men as significantly more attractive than women who were judging the photos without music or with jazz playing.

  Don’t be afraid to rent a Bette Midler movie and get in touch with your feminine side. In one study, when wom
en were given a choice between a man who was interested in stereotypically masculine activities versus a man who was interested in masculine and feminine activities, the women viewed the second man as more likable, intelligent, and honest. Another study has shown that dominance in a man only appeals to women if he is also helpful and cooperative.

  Although you may rarely leave your couch to do anything more than pay for your takeout, emphasize your ambition and willingness to work hard. Men consistently underestimate how important these qualities are to women.

  If you’re not tall, consider getting lifts. In personal ads, men who said they were tall received more responses than men who didn’t mention their height.

  FOR HER

  You are not the helpless pawn of love, and men are not the cold-hearted cynics. Studies show that men actually fall in love faster. In addition, researchers have found that women tend to be more pragmatic and realistic when it comes to love.

  Before you complain that there are no eligible men in your life, take a second look at your male friends and see if any of them strike your fancy. According to research, men are almost twice as sexually attracted to their female friends as women are to their male friends.

  You should take the same attitude toward men as the Missouri state motto: show me! In other words, be skeptical of the promises that men make. It’s true that you are much better at picking up signals than men are. You are also far more adept at evaluating facial expressions and do a better job of reading another person’s mind. In fact, women are better at a whole range of skills—reading lips, deciphering body language—that should make it far easier for her to decode the signals, sexual or otherwise, that men are sending out. Unfortunately, all of these advantages are a classic Red Queen situation in which men have also improved their ability to deceive women, so that nothing more has been achieved than an uneasy stalemate.

  And don’t get too cocky about your greater verbal skills because they are also an Achilles’ heel. Women are far more likely to pore over conversations with men trying to tease out the nuances of what they said and to have long, detailed conversations with their friends about the man in question. This is not necessarily a good idea, and it also helps explain the success of the book He’s Just Not That Into You. Instead of attempting painstaking analysis, keep that skeptical attitude, and see if his actions demonstrate the same level of commitment as his words.

  You don’t need to be a girly girl. Just as women like men who show both masculine and feminine qualities, men like women who show both qualities as well.

  If you can’t decide whether you need a facial or more time at the gym, hit the gym. Studies show that men care more about a great body than a great face. A woman with an unattractive body gets a lower attractiveness score than a woman with an unattractive face.

  Toss out the rice crackers, and treat yourself to a cheeseburger. Despite the inhuman thinness of runway models, studies show that men prefer women who are a normal weight, rather than overly thin, and also that women overestimate how skinny men want them to be. Research also shows that women think hygiene and cleanliness are more important to men than they actually are, so if you are really bold, you can lighten up on your bathing regimen as well.

  If you are worried about your weight but don’t really want to diet, wear a spicy floral perfume fragrance. In one study, women who wore a perfume with that profile were judged on average to be twelve pounds lighter. No other scent had the same effect.

  Imitate Rapunzel, and grow your hair long. According to a recent study, men rated the faces of women as prettier when they were surrounded by medium or long hair with the biggest gains for women who were the least attractive. Or you can use your haircut to signal your personality. Men viewed women with longer hair as healthy, intelligent, and mature, while women with short hair were seen as youthful, honest, and caring.

  Speak with a high-pitched voice. Men find it more appealing. Well, within reason. You don’t need to shatter any crystal glasses.

  Wear lipstick. In one study, men’s first impression of a woman’s attractiveness was much higher when the woman wore lipstick.

  You don’t have to worry that much about what you wear because men certainly don’t. When men were shown pictures of women who were very attractive, moderately attractive, or unattractive, they were always interested in having sex with the moderately and very attractive, regardless of how they were dressed, and no amount of dressing up changed their level of interest in the unattractive women.

  Forget all those ridiculously sized breasts staring out at you from men’s magazines. Your breasts are probably fine the way they are. Men prefer women with a medium bust, despite what cultural stereotypes suggest.

  Feel free to act confused when faced with any sort of complicated machinery like a stapler. According to studies, men want to help women by actively solving problems for them.

  It’s not a bad idea to downplay your love of Heidegger and play up your fondness for Hello Kitty. Men value intelligence and ambition but only if they do not exceed their own ambition and intelligence. One study of speed dating, for example, revealed that men were much less likely to choose a woman who was more ambitious than they were.

  Although you may have a bankroll like a hip-hop mogul, don’t flash the Benjamins. Studies show that men prefer to be the main breadwinner and want women who make less money than they do and have a lower-status job.

  Don’t be afraid to reach out and touch someone. In one study, a volunteer would pretend to be taking a survey and would stop someone. The volunteer would then drop the surveys and see who helped pick them up. The biggest effect? When a woman volunteer touched someone on the upper arm. That single gesture created, by far, the biggest boost in people offering to help pick up the surveys. It even works for women in the workplace. Researchers studied what happened when hand touching occurred in a professional situation. While the effect was ambivalent for men who touched women’s hands, the results were uniformly positive for women who touched men’s hands.

  NOT FOR HIM OR FOR HER

  I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t provide you with a list of turnoffs as well as turn-ons. A dating service called “It’s Just Lunch” did a survey of the biggest pet peeves, and they provide a useful overview of things to avoid. Most of them are things that any person with common sense would steer clear of, but the fact that they all appear on this list means that common sense does not play as big a role in guiding behavior as one would hope.

  46% listed answering a cell phone call during the meal.

  41% said being rude to the waitstaff.

  26% of men and 37% of women complained of their lunch partners talking too much about themselves.

  30% listed talking about an ex.

  45% of men objected to women who talked about their weight or their newest diet.

  56% of women complained about men showing more interest in the waitress than in them.

  The good news for women is that men remain much less picky, even when it comes to annoying habits. Only 42 percent of women said they would go out on a date with a man who exhibited one of her pet peeves compared to 71 percent of men.

  6

  The End of Dating

  What I Learned About Marriage

  IF THERE IS AN UNSPOKEN BIAS TO MY APPROACH, IT IS MY hope that you will find a long-term relationship. That’s why I’m ending a book about dating and attraction with a chapter about marriage. It didn’t seem right to stop at the altar. Getting happily married is of little use if you can’t stay happily married. And it’s the staying married that is the problem.

  I’ve only been married a few years, so I certainly can’t claim any expertise based on personal experience. The funny thing is, though, that even longtime couples don’t have a clue what the secret to success is. When I asked them why they had thrived, most laughed and said something along the lines of, “Who knows?” The good news is that researchers have spent a lot of time examining marriages and have come up with some surp
rising answers about why a marriage does or doesn’t work.