How to Forgive Even When You Can't Forget

by Thomas Herold

  Unrepentant Offenders

  Other times, the person who hurt you did so intentionally, or simply doesn't care that she caused you harm. She may not feel that she did anything wrong and will have no part in asking for your forgiveness. Trying to forgive that person is more difficult, because unless handled properly doing so face to face may cause more harm than good.

  Unrepentant offenders may not know that they've done you wrong, but you need to forgive them just as much as the more contrite variety of offender. You need it, because the benefits to yourself when releasing that pent-up anger and resentment are just as great, regardless of the disposition of the person who hurt you. Forgiving those who don't want to be forgiven is freeing to your own soul and relieves you of the burden of resentment.

  The unrepentant offender benefits as well. If you can forgive her face to face, she will see in you an attitude of forgiveness that she may lack. Seeing that kind of light in another person can only buoy your own spirit. Even if the offender or situation is such that you are unable to offer a verbal apology, forgiving her in your heart will lead to a different attitude toward her as a person.

  If you're holding on to resentment and bitterness, it will certainly color your interactions with that person, causing disharmony. When you have forgiven her in your heart, whether you announce so to her or not, it will be clearly visible in your relationship and will lead to decreased tension and increased happiness for you both.

  Unavailable Offenders

  The third category of offender is those who just cannot be reached to offer your forgiveness. It may be someone you are unlikely to ever encounter again, like the angry woman that cursed you out at Wal-Mart. It may be someone you've never seen at all, like the anonymous driver who dinged your car in the parking lot. Or it may be someone who was important to you, but is now deceased or has moved away and cannot be tracked down.

  In these cases, the offender will never know if you maintain a grudge or if you forgive him completely. This person will never receive any direct benefit from your forgiveness. Truly, he may never realize his own wrong doing. But that does not relieve you of the need to forgive, because as we've seen, the opposite of forgiving is holding on to bitterness and resentment, which will harm you, regardless of the status of the offending party.

  You will benefit from forgiving him even if he never knows and you never see him again. Your friends and family will benefit when you release your negative emotions and let go of the incident. Forgiving those who hurt you is ALWAYS good for you.

  Chapter 3:

  The Benefits of Forgiving Yourself

  “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

  - Mahatma Gandhi

  There is an offender who does not fit into any of the above categories. This is the one person who can cause you the most harm, be the most oblivious to your best interests, and the hardest for you to forgive: you.

  By virtue of being human, you carry within you the potential to do self-destructive and foolish things. You can hurt your loved ones and yourself. You may be hurting right now because of something that you did in the past. Forgiving yourself is in many ways more difficult than forgiving others. Because you know your heart, you cannot get away with partial or false forgiveness.

  The Dangers of Self-loathing

  When you are unwilling to forgive yourself, you turn the force of your bitterness and anger inward. 2,000 years ago, a wise man wrote that a house divided against itself cannot stand. So too, you cannot function properly if you resent yourself. Your relationships, your work, your physical health and your emotional well being are all likely to suffer significantly if you are in a state of unresolved conflict with yourself.

  You may be able to get by for a time, you may be able to fool those around you, but in the end you cannot be untrue to yourself. Being bitter against your own soul for the mistakes of your past will lead to only one thing: self-loathing.

  If you are harboring an unforgiving pain within, it is nearly impossible to forgive others. Pain piles upon pain, and your heart becomes hardened. In a tragically short amount of time, your self-loathing will turn into an angry, seething loathing of everything and everyone around you. When you reach that stage, you become very hard to love. The loathing that you broadcast will be returned to you — until you forgive yourself and begin restoring a healthy sense of self-worth.

  The Joys of Self-forgiveness

  Self-forgiveness brings about a corrected self-image. Free from blame, we can see our true potential and feel good about ourselves again. When you stop flagellating yourself for the sins of your past, your future looks much brighter.

  Forgiving yourself is not easy. There can be no tearful confession, no heart to heart talk because all is already known and there is but one heart — a heart broken by a war that can have no winner. Forgiving yourself requires a conscious effort to let go of the past and take an active step toward a happier and healthier future.

  There can be no falsity, no deceit. If you are going to forgive yourself, you’ve got to go all the way. Let the mistakes of your past stay in the past. Push them away as if they never happened. When you can honestly do that, only then can you earnestly forgive others, only then can you begin to move away from bitterness and toward your true goal: happiness.

  Chapter 4:

  Does Forgiveness Guarantee Reconciliation?

  “When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”

  - Emo Philips

  You’ve done everything that you’re supposed to do. Even though you were in the right, you took the initiative to purge the anger from your heart and earnestly forgive the person who wronged you. That should automatically reconcile you with the other party, right?

  Not so. Forgiveness is only one part of reconciliation. Just as it took two people to disagree, it takes two to repair the damage. No matter how genuine your forgiveness, no matter how sincere your desire to restore the damaged relationship, you cannot do it alone.

  When Forgiveness Can Bring Reconciliation

  Reconciliation depends in large part on timing. We all mature and develop in our own time. You may be ready to forgive before the other person is ready to be forgiven, or to forgive themselves. The time for you to forgive is now and the other person will accept it when he is ready.

  In the majority of cases, forgiveness does lead to reconciliation. As we saw in previous chapters, the offender will frequently be contrite. In those instances, he will recognize his need to be forgiven and embrace your offer of forgiveness. If you sincerely forgive and he genuinely accept that act, reconciliation will begin immediately. As with bones, relationships that are broken and then restored are generally stronger than those that have never been broken.

  When Forgiveness Cannot Bring Reconciliation

  Unfortunately, it isn’t always the case that we find the other person ready to receive our forgiveness. Sometimes you will have to deal with an unrepentant or unavailable offender. In the former case, he may be unwilling to reconcile your relationship. In the latter case, he is unable to.

  When the person is unrepentant, he is not yet ready to restore the relationship. He may need more time to accept the blame and therefore the consequences of his actions. When you forgive this type of person, you are beginning a process of reconciliation.

  There is no guarantee that the process will ever come to fruition, but you are doing all you can to foster an environment that will allow the relationship to heal. What is guaranteed is that you stand a better chance of reconciliation if you do forgive than if you don’t.

  If the person is unavailable, for whatever reason, the relationship simply cannot be restored in the traditional sense. You can, however, cleanse yourself of the bitterness that the severed relationship caused. While the actual relationship will never be restored, the memory can be untarnished; restoring in retrospect the merits
of your past relationship and the joy that it brought you.

  Chapter 5:

  Why Do We Hold Grudges?

  “To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee.”

  William H. Walton

  When we get hurt, our natural reaction is to either flee the situation or fight back and try to hurt the person who hurt us. Fight or Flight. When the pain is emotional, our fight or flight response turns from the literal to a more figurative reaction.

  Whether we choose to fight or flight in the heat of the moment, the prolonged continuation of the response becomes a grudge against the source of the attack. Holding a grudge leads to increasing resentment and, ultimately, an unforgiving attitude.

  When we become unforgiving as a trait, the cycle begins anew with the next offense, and the next, and the next. Increasingly minor offenses trigger our natural fight or flight response and grudges come more easily, last longer, and are harder to release.

  If the end result of holding a grudge is so unappealing, why do we do it?

  Everyone wants to be right. We all enjoy the feeling of righteousness that comes with the assurance that our cause is just. When we indulge our own grudges, we create an atmosphere in which our own standing is beyond reproach. Our “enemy” is so thoroughly wrong that we can only be right.

  When we hold a grudge, in reality, we are demonizing the offender. The worse we can make her out to be, the better we can position ourselves as the hero. But once again, the high you get from putting someone else down lasts only a short time, followed by a crash that spirals ever deeper into resentment and anger.

  The bottom line is that we hold grudges as a means of protecting ourselves, but the actual result is exactly the opposite. We trick ourselves into believing that holding this grudge is righteous retribution for a harm done to us and that we are defending ourselves from pain. But instead we are indulging the pain, letting it take control of our attitudes and actions. Holding a grudge deepens the divide between ourselves and our offenders at precisely the time when we should be moving closer to reconciliation through forgiveness.

  [I recommend Chapter 5 be deleted. - TT]

  Chapter 6:

  How Do We Know It’s Time to Embrace Forgiveness?

  “The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise.”

  - Alden Nowlan

  If you are asking yourself whether or not it is time to forgive someone, then the answer is undoubtedly yes. When your emotions have quelled enough for you to think clearly and question the need to forgive, then the time has come to move forward.

  That does not mean that you should necessarily wait until you feel like forgiving someone. That could take a long, long time. You may never feel like forgiving the person who hurt you, but that is not a license to hold a grudge forever.

  Your feelings are not to be trusted as the determinant of when to forgive. If anything, your feelings are an obstacle to true forgiveness. It was your feelings that got hurt, your feelings that told you to retreat from that person, and your feelings that are basking in the joys of playing the victim.

  If you are still alive and capable of free thought, if your injury was not uniquely heinous in its depth and breadth among all humankind, if you have ever done a wrong to someone else in your life — it is time for you to stop indulging your anger and bitterness. It is time for you to forgive.

  What If You're Not Ready?

  There are those who will tell you that you need to “cool off” and let your anger run its course. But do you want to let your anger run you, or do you want to run your anger off? A waiting period before you begin the process of forgiving is tantamount to intentionally putting off the right choice so you can wallow in being the victim for just a little while longer.

  It is true that you must be emotionally ready before you can forgive, but do not put the emphasis in the wrong place. Do not wait until the anger has left you before you forgive. Each of us wards off anger by initiating the process of forgiveness in a very personal way and on our own terms. But the process must be begun, the sooner the better. Anger, enticing as it may seem, is not your friend; it is not good for your emotional or physical health in the long run.

  This does not mean walking up to the person you are arguing with and apropos yelling out, “I forgive you!” Forgiveness requires a calm demeanor and solid conviction. It also does not happen in an instant. You need to extract yourself from the situation before you can move past it. Pulling yourself away from an altercation may be the first step in your path to forgiveness. As you will see in the following chapters, forgiveness is a process, not a single act.

  Time to Forgive

  Long ago it was said, “Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die.” Another old saying tells us that “There is no time like the present.” Both are appropriate in a discussion of when to let go of resentment and embrace forgiveness. None of us know what the future holds. We cannot know what we may lose by holding onto bitterness for one more day. Tomorrow may be too late. One more day may rob us of the opportunity for reconciliation.

  Don’t take the chance. Now is the time to embrace forgiveness. The only question is: how?

  Chapter 7:

  How Do We Reach a State of Forgiveness?

  “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who

  hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.”

  - Lewis B. Smedes

  Forgiveness is not something that can be achieved by simply wishing it. Merely saying that you forgive someone is far from actually doing it. Forgiveness is an art, a discipline, and an attitude.

  Since you are reading this book, you are obviously on the right path — you want to forgive. By embracing the precepts taught herein, you will learn the art and achieve the discipline necessary to foster the proper attitude. With time and repetition, you can make forgiveness an innate part of your psychic makeup.

  The 5 Steps to Forgiveness

  #1 – Acknowledge the Offense

  The first step in the process of forgiveness is recognizing that there is an offense that needs to be forgiven. As we will see in a later chapter, ignoring the problem will not make it go away. Resentment will linger if you pretend that the problem does not exist.

  #2 – Recognize that You Need to Forgive

  It is tempting to focus on the other person’s need to be forgiven. In truth, you need to forgive as much, if not more, than the other person needs your forgiveness. The anger that you are holding is hurting you more than it hurts anyone else.

  #3 – Release the Negative

  When we refuse to forgive, we invite negative emotions into our lives. When you begin the cleansing process of forgiveness, you must release the negativity — the anger, the hurt, the resentment — that has attached itself to you. Letting go of the hurt and the emotions that go with it is a key element in moving toward happiness through forgiveness.

  #4 – Stop the Blame Game

  Forgiveness must be without blame. You cannot reserve the right to blame the other person and still genuinely forgive. That sort of false forgiveness is an open door to lingering resentment. A forgiving heart keeps no record of wrongs committed against it.

  #5 – Be Sincere

  Don’t try to force forgiveness by going through the right motions and saying the right words. Simply repeating words of forgiveness without meaning doesn't make you forgive someone any more than playing Annie Oakley on stage makes you a sharpshooter. True forgiveness is genuine, sincere, and selfless.

  #6 - Move On

  Once you have forgiven, don't look back. Do not linger on the hurt, do not relive the offense, and do not reconsider the blame. Let it go. That is when you have truly reached a state of forgiveness and opened the door to happiness.

  Chapter 8:

  What Happens If You Can’t Forgive Someone?

  “Dwelling on the negative si
mply contributes to its power.”

  - Shirley MacLaine

  There will be times when you find it extremely difficult to forgive someone. This happens most commonly when the person who offended you is unrepentant, but it can happen any time that the hurt is still deep and new. When you think you can’t forgive someone, you need to pull back and understand why.

  Going deep into your own psyche can be frightening. Understanding our own hidden feelings is a scary prospect. But unless you look under the surface, you will not know the real reasons behind your inability to forgive. Without that understanding, your path to happiness is obstructed by a roadblock of bitterness.

  Reasons You Don’t Forgive

  You may be unable to forgive because you just don’t know how. If that’s the case, rejoice! By the end of this book, you will know the ins and outs of forgiveness and should be able to forgive those who have caused you pain.

  Even those who have studied forgiveness and recognize it as the path to happiness struggle at times. If the person who hurt you is remorseless, or even continues in his or her pattern of behavior toward you, you may very well find it far more difficult to forgive even the minutest offense that is piled on top of the growing mound of hurt.

  In such a case, you need to remove yourself from the situation. You cannot always reach harmony with someone who is unwilling to accept it. This does not absolve you or your responsibility to try, but it does mean that you may have to withdraw from the person and forgive them in your heart without continuing your association with her.