“Actually, there’s something I need to tell you.” He glanced up at her, a sad smile on his face. “I’ve decided to take the offer from the European Football League”
“What?” Shock froze her in her seat. “Does this mean you’re moving to Europe?”
“I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately, and I think it’ll be best if I get away for a while.”
“Get away? Get away from what?” She felt a sudden hollowness open up inside her. He wouldn’t look at her, but instead gazed unseeing out the windshield, and her stomach dropped.
“To be completely honest, I need to get away from you, Bri.”
“What?” she whispered, pain lancing through her. “What… What did I do?” she asked, tears filling her eyes. But honestly, Seb had any number of reasons to want to get away from her, and all completely justifiable. She shouldn’t be surprised.
“You didn’t do anything,” he sighed, finally turning to look at her. “I’m sorry, that came out really wrong. Just let me explain, okay?”
She nodded, forcing her tears back.
“I love you, Bri. Still. I know how you feel about me, and I have been trying to get over you, but it’s turned out to be a lot harder than I thought. I know now that for you it’ll only ever be Cole, and I’m okay with that. But I just… I can’t stay here and watch you two. It’s too much.”
“Seb,” she went to reach for his hand, but stopped herself. “Cole and I are not getting back together. You won’t have to watch anything.”
“Come on, Bri,” he raised his eyebrow at her. “There is still something between you two. You’re just too stubborn to acknowledge it. Anyway,” he continued as she opened her mouth to protest, “I realized that if I’m ever going to get over you, I need some space.”
“So you have to move to another country? Another continent?”
“A lot of space,” he tried to grin at her. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. But I can’t be around you and not want you, not wonder and regret what might have been. I need some time on my own.”
“Okay,” she managed to reply through her hurt and confusion. “So how long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know. My contract is for two years, and we’ll see after that.”
“Two years?” Her heart twisted at the thought of Seb so far away for so long. “Well, I guess we can still call and text. It won’t be that different.”
“No, Bri, you don’t understand.” His eyes filled with sadness. “I tried to do the friend thing. I hoped that I could be content just being your friend, but I can’t. The only way I will be able do this is if I cut off all contact.”
“What?” She couldn’t breathe.
“I’m sorry, Bri. I am still your friend, and one day we will be best friends again. But right now, it’s just not enough for me. I can’t do it. I have to step away.”
Guilt flooded her, along with her tears. She had done this. Seb was leaving and it was all her fault. She’d finally driven him away.
“Seb, I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. But you don’t have to do this.”
“Yes, I do,” he smiled sadly at her. “Oh hey, don’t cry.” He reached over and pulled her to him when she couldn’t keep her tears back any longer. “This isn’t anything you did. This is all me. Please, don’t think this is your fault.”
“Then why does it feel like it’s my fault?” she sobbed into his chest. He didn’t answer, just held her while she cried, rubbing her back soothingly.
Finally pulling herself back together, she stopped her tears and made herself pull back out of Seb’s arms.
“So, you’re really doing this?” she asked him, though she already knew the answer.
“Yes,” he nodded.
“When do you leave?”
“I have to be in Spain in four weeks for training camp.”
“So soon?” she sighed. “I’ll miss you.”
“I know. I’ll miss you, too.”
“Will I see you again, before you have to leave?”
He let out a long breath before answering. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea. I think it’s best if we leave things as they are tonight.”
She made herself nod, even though her heart was breaking.
“Well, I guess this is goodbye then.” Her voice broke, and she felt a tear slip down her cheek.
“I guess it is.” She could see tears glimmering in his eyes, as well.
“I do love you, Seb.” She smiled sadly at him, wishing it were enough.
“I know,” he returned softly, wishing the same thing. “I love you too, Bri.”
Forcing herself out of the car, she walked into her house without a backward glance. She couldn’t watch her friend drive away for good. She went straight to her room, fell on her bed, and cried herself to sleep, feeling more empty and alone than she had in a very long time.
Chapter 8
The rest of the summer passed quickly. Cole had gone back to Salt Lake, and Bri felt like a weight had been lifted off of her. Her worry and anxiety receded, and she could finally breathe again. That is, until it was time to say goodbye to Seb. She hadn’t seen him since the night of the fundraiser, but she refused to let him leave the country indefinitely without saying goodbye.
She was unsurprised to find Cole at the airport, along with Scott, Sharron, and Claire. For the first time since Bri had known her, Claire wasn’t bubbling with happiness and excitement. The whole group was quiet and subdued as they waited for Seb to get his ticket and check his luggage. Everything all settled, he walked over to them with a wry smile.
“Well, I guess this is it.”
Bri waited patiently while Seb hugged his mom, dad, and sister goodbye. Tears were flowing freely, and she was having a hard time keeping her own in check. She understood why Seb felt he had to go, but that didn’t make it any easier. In fact, she still felt that this was all her fault, and the guilt was crushing.
Seb moved to Cole, and the two of them spent a few minutes conversing too quietly for her to hear. They embraced, and neither let go for a few moments. When Seb finally stepped away from him, Cole had tears shining in his eyes.
Finally, Seb turned to her with a sad, hesitant smile. “Bye, Bri.”
Unable to stop herself, she threw her arms around him, holding him tight. She was relieved when she felt him squeeze her back.
“Bye, Seb,” she whispered. “I’ll miss you so much. I hope you know how loved you are.”
“I do,” he replied softly.
“I also hope you know that I’ll be here waiting, whenever you’re ready, no matter how long you need.” Unable to hold them back any longer, tears slipped down her cheeks. “Please come home to us,” she pleaded desperately.
Nodding, he kissed the top of her head and stepped back. Seb’s eyes roamed over his family one last time, then he smiled, took a deep breath, and turned and walked away.
As they watched Seb go, Bri moved to Cole’s side, sliding right up against him, all animosity forgotten for the moment. Her heart was breaking, and she was in desperate need of comfort. She glanced up at Cole, and when he looked back down at her, pain and sadness in his eyes, she knew that he was hurting as much as she was. Maybe even more.
Before she could talk herself out of it, she reached for his hand. His fingers automatically entwined with hers, and they both held on for dear life.
“I’m sorry, Cole. This is all my fault.” He had just lost his brother because of her, and she felt that responsibility acutely. She figured he at least deserved an apology.
“It’s not your fault,” he squeezed her hand. “This is just something he thinks he needs to do. All we can do is love and support him, even if we don’t agree.”
Bri nodded, relieved that Cole didn’t blame her at least, though she still blamed herself.
“Please tell me he’ll come back to us,” Cole pleaded softly as Seb finally moved out of sight.
Bri looked up at him, but Cole didn’t’ take his eyes off the spot w
here his best friend had just disappeared. Sadness, worry, heartbreak, everything he was feeling written plainly on his face.
“He’ll come back to us.” She made herself sound confident and sure. She put all of her hope into that one promise, and willed it to be true. “He’ll come home.”
Cole wrapped his arms around her, drawing her into his chest. He needed comfort in this moment as much as she did, and she didn’t pull away. She let him hold her, and she held him back, as they both slowly came to terms with a world without Seb. Cole had lost his brother, and she had lost her best friend. The heartache was almost unbearable.
“We’ll get through this,” Cole murmured against her hair. “It’ll be okay.”
And not having any other choice but to believe him, she nodded.
Her last few weeks at home were tainted by the sadness of Seb’s departure. She tried to keep herself busy, keep her mind occupied with happier things by spending as much time with her brothers and Claire as she could. But even the joy of being with her family and the return of Claire’s boundless enthusiasm wasn’t enough to dispel the dark cloud of sadness that hung over her.
Despite their brief ceasefire at the airport, Bri hadn’t talked to Cole since Seb had left. Cole had texted her a few times, just short little greetings, but she never responded. Despite their shared sorrow, she hadn’t changed her mind about letting Cole back into her life. No, she wasn’t ready to open those floodgates again. And encouraging Cole would definitely start a flood.
She had been so preoccupied with Cole and Seb, that her dad was worried. As he drove her to the airport to fly back to Duke, she had to keep reassuring him that she was okay. In all honesty, she was glad to be getting back to school, and was ready to put both those boys behind her.
Returning to Duke this time was different. Stacie, Stephanie, and Matt had all graduated the previous spring, leaving Bri all alone on campus. Stephanie had returned to Florida after graduating, to be closer to her family, and was getting her masters degree at a school close to home. Matt had moved up to Maryland to attend medical school- making his mom exceedingly happy, as she’d always wanted a doctor in the family. And in a surprising move, instead of returning to her home state of Pennsylvania, Stacie had accepted a job in Maryland, a mere thirty minutes away from Matt. Stacie had been despondent since her breakup with Matt, and Bri suspected she had ulterior motives in moving so close to him. But as hopeful as she was for her two friends, Bri didn’t want to risk interfering, and kept her suspicions to herself.
As she returned to the campus that had been her home for the past three years, a hollow nostalgia filled her. This was her last year at Duke. She’d already decided not to stay for graduate school, there were just too many memories here she wanted to get away from, but she would miss this place when she left.
Not being on the dance team anymore, she was now living in the large dormitory towers with the rest of the students. As a senior, she had her own room for the first time, but she lived on a floor with dozens of people who were always coming and going at all hours of the day and night. The community bathroom and showers took some getting used to, also. Bri quickly learned that if she wanted any hot water, she’d better shower at night.
Her school schedule was pretty light her final year, she had only two more classes to finish up before graduation, so she had plenty of time to work on her thesis. Her light class load was also beneficial for her Dance minor. In lieu of a thesis, she was instead required to produce her own dance concert. That meant that she was responsible for everything: all the choreography, costume design, set design, lighting, hiring dancers for the show, scheduling and leading rehearsal times, scheduling the performance hall, printing the programs, advertising the show… The list went on and on. Bri had never realized how much work went into a professional dance performance, and she was slightly overwhelmed. Her thesis was a cakewalk compared to this.
It was also a lot less emotionally draining, because the theme of her concert was, of course, Cole. Or more specifically, all of her mixed up and confusing feelings about him.
She had tried to do something else, to find another focus and theme that had nothing to do with him. But despite her best and most determined efforts, it all kept coming back to him. What she had felt for him, and what she still felt for him, and what she couldn’t seem to let go of. This show was her own form of therapy. It forced her to deal with all of her unwanted emotions, feelings she’d been trying to bury and ignore, things she’d been hiding from for too long. She just hoped that by the end of this whole process, she’d be able to work those lingering feelings out of her system and finally be able to move on.
Not that it was easy. Acknowledging things she didn’t want to feel, emotions she wished weren’t there, was frustrating, heartbreaking, and humiliating. She felt like she’d been cut open and put up on display. She felt unbearably exposed and vulnerable. Worst of all, she felt weak, and she hated feeling weak. Her concert couldn’t be over soon enough. Spending months with Cole in her head was taking too much out of her.
As the show got closer, her emotional turmoil only grew worse. One thing had become painfully clear as she was forced to face Cole figuratively day after day. She was still in love with him. Deep down, underneath all the anger and betrayal, she still loved him, and nothing she did seemed to diminish that fact. She couldn’t escape him, no matter how hard she tied. It was embarrassing and frustrating to feel this way about someone who had hurt her so badly, and being smacked in the face everyday with her own weakness and stupidity was not good for her self-esteem.
She didn’t want to love him. But she couldn’t seem to make herself stop. After all, how could you remove someone who had become so entwined within your heart that there was no longer any distinction between where you ended and he began. Cole would always be a part of her. She would never be able to banish him completely. She was going to have to learn how to live with her stubborn and unwanted feelings, and that was going to be her hardest tribulation of all.
Bri walked out of the final dress rehearsal the day before her show, cursing herself for ever thinking that she could do this. Not even the warm, late April sunshine could ease her emotional distress. This show wasn’t therapy, it was torture, and she’d been a fool to put herself through this. She’d obviously over estimated her inner strength, and she was paying for it now.
She had managed to keep her emotions in check throughout the rehearsals, giving enough feeling to each piece that it was authentic, but never allowing herself to feel the full extent of her emotions. She knew that if she opened herself up fully she’d have an emotional breakdown right there on the stage, and that was the last thing she wanted. This show had taken a battering ram to her heart, and she would be very glad when it was finally all over.
The morning of her recital dawned, and she woke with a stirring of excitement in addition to her normal trepidation. It was finally here. After tonight, she’d be done: with school, with Cole, with everything.
She showered and dressed, forcing herself to get some lunch before she couldn’t stand the anticipation anymore and headed to the performance hall. She stopped at the print shop on the way and picked up the programs for the concert. Titled simply, Reflections on Love, she was pleased with how they had turned out.
She entered the empty concert hall and took a deep breath. Getting to work, she began checking the sound and lighting settings, going through her checklist of things to do before the curtain rose in a couple hours.
As the dancers arrived to get ready, Bri bounced around the dressing rooms, answering questions and putting out fires, before claiming a small private dressing room for herself. Thankful for the peace and quiet, she pulled on her first costume and did her hair and makeup, mentally and emotionally preparing herself for the performance.
She glanced at the clock, and nerves roiled in her stomach. It was almost show time.
“You can do this,” she told her reflection in the mirror. She just hoped that girl
believed her.
A soft knock sounded on her door. Taking a deep breath, she stood and went to meet whatever new problem had arisen. She opened the door, and froze.
No.
Cole stood in front of her, a hesitant smile on his face and a bouquet of roses in his hand.
Bri’s heart pounded with panic, and everything came crashing down around her. The only reason she’d been able to do this was because no one else knew what this show was truly about. Not her advisor, not any of the dancers, and especially not anyone in the audience. This show was intensely personal and private, and it was only that veil of ignorance that allowed her to have the courage to put her innermost emotions on display like this.
But Cole would know. His being here ruined everything.
Her eyes darted quickly to his hands, to see if he’d picked up a program yet. One look at the title alone, and he’d know that this whole thing was about him. But no, there were only the flowers in his hand. And he wouldn’t be smiling at her like that, with excitement dancing in his eyes, if he knew what was coming.
“Hi, Bri,” he greeted her shyly. He looked stylish and handsome in a navy sport coat and jeans, and completely oblivious to her mounting panic.
“What are you doing here?” she managed to gasp through her shock and horror.
“Layla told me about your dance concert tonight, and I wanted to come. So, I did,” he gave her a sheepish smile. “Here, these are for you.” He held out the bouquet to her, and she reached for it mechanically. Not having anything else to occupy his hands, he shoved them into his pockets nervously.
“You can’t be here,” she whispered, unable to keep the tremor from her voice. She had to get him to leave, now. He couldn’t stay for the show, there was no way she’d survive it.
His smile fell. “Look, I know I promised I’d stay away. But Layla told me what a big deal this is for you, and I really wanted to be here for you. Please, let me stay.” She began shaking her head, and he rushed to stop her. “Layla, your other friends, they can’t be here to support you. But I can. Please Bri, let me be your friend tonight,” he pleaded, his eyes, looking so blue tonight, holding hers.
Perfect Imperfection Page 8