Allie's War Season Two

by JC Andrijeski

  He looked at me, his hands clasped between his knees. I saw pain in his eyes, along with frustration, a helplessness I don’t think I’d ever seen on him before. Clenching his jaw again, he nodded while I watched, staring out the window.

  “Yes,” he said. “You did.” The grief in his voice was palpable.

  “Revik...” Tears rose to my eyes once more, hot on my cheeks. “Please. I’m so sorry...and I don’t feel that way now. Can we just...move past this...somehow...?”

  “Why did you come here?” he said. “Why, Allie? Why not stay with your lover?” His jaw hardened, even as tears rose to his eyes again. “...Was it to save his life? Is this you buying me off, being here? What did he call it...‘services rendered’...?”

  “No, damn it!” I snapped, hitting the pillow with my hand. “I came back because I’m in love with you!”

  He shook his head, his eyes too bright again.

  “Revik, gods. I was only with him that one night...”

  “Night,” he said. “I notice you never say you fucked him just once, Allie...only that it all happened the same night...”

  “He’s a seer!” I said. “What do you expect?”

  He looked at me. “And you were never with him again? Never, Allie? Not once, in all those weeks in Beijing?”

  “No!” I said, angrily. “I’m telling you no! Have I lied to you about anything before now? He’s a friend. That’s all!”

  When he looked away, I fought to control my light again, staring at his face.

  “Revik.” I opened my light to his, wincing when the pain on him hurt me. Fear hit me then, as I looked at his face, as I realized how much he still wasn’t showing me. “Gods...I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry. What do you want? Do you want me to go?”

  “No, I don’t want you to go.”

  “Then tell me what to say...please...”

  “I’m not asking you to say anything...”

  “Yes, you are,” I said, fighting frustration. “...And I never asked you to answer for any of it. I forgave you...even when you did it again, and again...”

  “I never fucked around after we consummated!”

  I stared at him in disbelief.

  The silence in the room grew palpable.

  Then I gave a humorless laugh. “What?”

  He averted his eyes, clenching his jaw as he stared at the floor.

  “That wasn’t for fun...I didn’t do that for sex...”

  “Looked like you were having fun to me,” I said.

  My voice came out cold, colder than even I meant it to. He turned, his eyes flashing in the dark. I bit my lip, but didn’t avert my gaze.

  “I hated that op,” he said. He looked away, staring out the window. “...I hated it, Allie. I’ve never felt so bad in my entire life. If you think I was there to get off, you couldn’t be more wrong.” He looked at me again. “I went there for you...the only reason I got so turned on was that I felt you in the goddamned building...”

  “Jesus, Revik,” I said, angry for real now. “That’s pathetic...”

  “Is it?” he said. “I knew full well you might not forgive me for it. I knew it wouldn’t matter to you that it was an op. I told Ullysa as much...and Wreg. But I figured, if she’s alive, then I have a chance. I have a fucking chance of making it up to her, if I can get her out of there before he hurts her too badly...”

  His voice broke, enough to make me recede once more, pulling back my light. I watched, fighting my own conflicting emotions as tears rose to his eyes again, brightening the pale green glow. I bit back anger, even as I forced myself to feel him, to hear his words.

  “...I thought...if Terian leaves with her...” he said, gesturing vaguely with a hand. “If he gets her out, and it takes me months to find her again...god knows what he’ll do to her. What the boy will do...” Biting his lip, he gestured again, falling silent as his arms rested back on his thighs. I watched him wipe his eyes with the same hand. He shook his head.

  “I know you think I deserve this. I know you do, Allie...”

  “I don’t think you deserve it, Revik!”

  His eyes met mine, and I saw tears in them again. “Yes...you do, Allie. It’s why I wasn’t going to say anything. You came here, so I want to believe you want things to work with us. But I can’t just pretend it doesn’t matter to me. I can’t...”

  “I don’t want you to,” I said. “I never asked you to, Revik...”

  “Then how?” he said. “What happens now? What am I supposed to do?”

  Hearing the helplessness in his voice, I shook my head.

  “Revik, I don’t know. That’s not what—”

  “How did you get past this?” He eyes met mine. “How, Allie?”

  Looking at him, I couldn’t answer for a moment. I remembered how I’d rationalized the thing with Balidor to myself at the time...that it wasn’t really Revik, that he wasn’t himself anymore. I blamed this new version of him for killing off the old one. But now, looking at him, it occurred to me that he’d still been himself when he’d slept with Kat. When he’d done that to me in D.C., when he sold himself to that woman on the ship...he’d been the old Revik. He’d been the man I fell in love with, the one I married.

  That Revik had hurt me...not this one.

  “Is that the real reason?” he said. His voice was openly bitter. “Is that what this is really about? You still don’t want all of me, Allie?”

  Hearing his words, for a long moment, I couldn’t make myself speak.

  Pressing my lips together, I forced myself to think about his question instead, to answer that honestly, too. Feeling tried to close my chest as I did, along with the dregs of that anger I still couldn’t really think through. I remembered Delhi, and my fingers clenched into fists on my lap.

  “No, Revik,” I said. “That’s not it. Not anymore.”

  His eyes met mine. I saw distrust there again, and a pain I could barely look at. Even so, my jaw hardened further as I stared at him, remembering.

  “I’m not sure I did,” I said. “Get past it.”

  For an instant, he looked confused.

  “But we consummated,” he said. “The woman on the ship—”

  “No.” I felt my jaw harden more. I gave him a warning look. “Not her, either.”

  Feeling him react, I looked away, staring at the floor. While I thought, something else came to me, too. I felt my throat close, but I didn’t look up.

  “I was lying, Revik,” I said then.

  I felt him stiffen, all the way across the couch.

  “I didn’t mean to be,” I clarified. “But I was. I think it was revenge...at least in part.” Fighting a colder anger that wanted to rise, I continued to stare at the floor. “I wanted to know what it was like. I wanted to be on the other end of things with us...just once. I wanted to be the one who looked at someone else that way.” I bit the inside of my cheek, looking at him. “When I walked in, in D.C....you weren’t thinking about me. I know you weren’t, Revik. You’re lying to yourself, if you think you were...”

  He looked at me again. Briefly, I saw fear in his eyes.

  “No,” he said after another pause. “By then I wasn’t. I was just on autopilot by then...I was just fucking, Allie.”

  I nodded, feeling my throat close. “Well, there you have it.”

  He looked at me, as if he wanted to say more.

  Finally, he said, “I’m sorry it was Kat.”

  When I looked over, he hesitated, still gauging my eyes.

  “I didn’t want it to be,” he said. “Those three were the only infiltrators I had who could pass as unwillings...her and Ullysa were the only honest to gods pros I had. It would have taken weeks to recruit and train more. I didn’t want to wait.” He hesitated again, still watching my face. “It was purely a tactical decision, Allie...I didn’t pick her because I wanted her.”

  I nodded, feeling my jaw harden more.

  “Is that what it was for you?” he said. “With Balidor? Was he just conv
enient, Allie?”

  His voice was tentative, like he almost didn’t want the answer.

  Looking at him, I almost didn’t give it to him. Then I sighed, realizing we’d already gone too far for that...realizing he’d probably feel it on me anyway.

  “No,” I said. “I wanted him.” I hesitated. “I’d wanted him for awhile, Revik. Even before.”

  His light flared. It hit into me with so much pain I closed my eyes, fighting to breathe as I tried to decide if I could push it away. Looking at him, I almost lost it when I saw him hunched over himself again, holding his hair. Pain emanated off him in a cloud. I saw him crying for real then, but I just sat there, paralyzed. His light shifted as anger tried to insert itself, again and again, but he couldn’t seem to use it to climb out.

  At that point, I couldn’t, either.

  My mind was lost briefly, remembering D.C., realizing that Vash had been right. Revik had been too, in his own way. This wasn’t all about losing that other Revik when he killed the boy, or even losing him to Salinse and the Dreng. I’d wanted to kill him that night. I’d wanted to kill Kat...I’d never wanted anyone dead before, not really, but I had then. Anger didn’t begin to cover it. At the time it felt like someone crushed my heart with a club covered in razor blades. Killing them had felt like survival...like the only way out.

  Now, as I looked at him, I watched pain spark through his light, but the other thing I felt on him was worse. It was so much worse. I’d hurt him. Maybe more than I’d hurt anyone in my life. More than I’d thought it would be possible to hurt another person, even him.

  And it didn’t reverse any of it. It didn’t take back any of what happened to me.

  I fought back and forth, feeling my own light pulse in waves; I was unable to hold it around me as I tried to decide what to do.

  Abruptly, I slid over to him on the couch, putting my arms around him.

  I expected him to resist. I thought he might shove me away...even hit me, or close his light to mine, but he didn’t. He let me hold him instead, gripping my arm in his hand when I clung to him tighter. Feeling the pain on him worsen, I buried my face in his neck, opening as much as I could. For a long time, neither of us moved.

  He fought to breathe through most of it, and I tried to pull it out of him, to unclench whatever fist he used to hold it back. It didn’t occur to me until later that I was fighting to weave his light back into mine...trying to coax him to open.

  He never really did.

  Gradually, after what felt like a long time, I felt it start to wind down in him, until he just sat there, almost still. Neither of us spoke.

  His pain started worsening again as I held him tighter, caressing his hair. Desire wove into it, even with everything else; I knew he probably couldn’t help it, given the bond and how long it had been for both of us, but my own light opened in response. I found myself trying to touch him then, tugging at his clothes, trying to reach his skin. I slid between his arms, trying to get closer to him. He didn’t stop me, but I saw him avoid my eyes.

  I felt him closing to me, until I gripped his hair, trying to get him to look at me. When he still wouldn’t, I slid into his lap.

  “Revik.” My voice was low, but almost frantic. “Revik...please. Please...I love you. I never came close to feeling about him how I do about you. I never will...with anyone...”

  “Allie...it’s all right...”

  “It’s not. Forgive me...please...”

  “I forgive you,” he said.

  Looking at him though, I started crying again.

  “Revik please...please...I’m so sorry...”

  I saw tears in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry, too.”

  My fingers tightened on him, even as I started touching him again. I couldn’t seem to help myself. He didn’t push me away, but I felt his light retract.

  “Revik...please...”

  “Do you want me, Allie?” He looked up at me. His voice was soft, but there was nothing playful in his words. “I will, if you want me to...just tell me.”

  I felt my heart clench; I couldn’t stop looking at him.

  He felt so far away. For the first time, it occurred to me that nothing would be the same with us, not after this. Even if we moved past it, something was gone. It was really gone...even more than I’d felt it when he came back from D.C.

  But I also knew the wall I’d felt between myself and him was dissolving, too. He was still Syrimne, not Revik, but I didn’t feel the difference as clearly as I once had. I felt married to him again. More than that, I felt like I’d known this version of him all along...more than I’d wanted to admit to myself. Maybe I couldn’t deal with the fact that I might have married him anyway, even if I had known...even with everything he’d done.

  “Yes,” I said. “I want you, Revik...” Caressing his face, I swallowed. “I want you like this...I love you like this. I don’t want only part of you...not anymore...”

  He gripped me tighter, holding me against him. I felt anger in his hands, that mind-numbing hurt and grief, even as the desire on him worsened. I leaned closer, wrapping my arms around his neck. I kissed his mouth.

  He kissed me back...hard at first, his hand clenching on my hip. I opened to him, sending him love, fighting to reach him with my light. I felt him resisting at first, trying to focus on the sex...trying to get me to do the same. But gradually, I felt the wall in him start to crack...then melt. His kisses deepened, until he was caressing my face with his hand.

  He pulled me tighter against him.

  After a little while longer, he turned with me on the couch.

  We undressed each other. He still could barely look at me, but when he did, I saw him crying again. I felt reluctance on him, a near fear as we got closer to actual sex, and it hit me suddenly, what it meant. He would feel it, once we started. He would feel everything.

  Pain infused my light as the realization sank in. I remembered feeling Kat and the others on him in Delhi. I remembered what it had done to me.

  “I’m sorry.” I looked up at him, helpless. “I’m so sorry...”

  He kissed me again, but he still wouldn’t look at me.

  I saw pain in his face as he put himself inside me. His hands were gentle, though, moreso than he’d ever been with me. I nearly lost it when his mind slid into mine as well. Then we were reading one another...and his emotions expanded, paralyzing me. We were both crying again by the time he hit the imprints in my light.

  I saw his face harden...just before his eyes closed.

  He stayed inside me though. He didn’t look at my face when he arched into me next, but I felt everything he did.

  He made love to me, feeling the other seer in me again...and again...

  By the end, he was clinging to me, his face wet against mine as he came, pinning me with his weight. His light wound into me as he let go...I felt the tentativeness there, though, different than any time before, even as he arched all the way in. That part of him that was seer, the part that differentiated him from any human I’d slept with, went so far into me it left me groaning, until I came, too, all at once, gripping his back.

  He hit another imprint as I did, and cried out. I felt his pain, along with another reaction, this one closer to violence than any he’d let me feel. His whole body clenched, right before a wave of grief slammed me from his light. He stopped dead, still reacting to the other seer being that far inside me. Feeling him fight to control himself, I watched his face, almost afraid.

  I remembered punching him in that hotel room...

  Tears came to his eyes, but he still wouldn’t look at me. I caressed his face.

  “I love you,” I said. “I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone...I never stopped loving you.”

  The pain in his eyes worsened.

  “You love me like this?” he said. “You want me like this?”

  My jaw hardened, but tears rose again. “Yes.”

  “Do you still want to be married to me, Allie?”

 
“Yes,” I said. My fingers clenched on his skin. “Yes, Revik...”

  “I want to kill him, Allie...”

  His voice was dull, lower than a whisper.

  “I know,” I murmured, fighting tears again.

  “I really want to kill him...”

  “I know...I’m so sorry, baby...”

  “He loves you. He’s in love with you, Allie...”

  I shook my head. “I don’t care about that, Revik.”

  “He wanted to kill me. He wanted me dead.” His grief flared. “...I couldn’t kill him. I couldn’t...because of you. If you loved him...” His pain worsened, nearly blanking out my mind. “Gods, Allie. I didn’t want to kill him if you loved him...”

  “Revik, stop,” I murmured, caressing his face. “Stop...please...please just let it go...”

  I saw him wanting to ask again, but he didn’t, looking away.

  He lowered his face instead, and I felt his light slide further into mine, feeling my heart tentatively. Then he arched into me again, reading me and angling deeper. When another imprint lived there, he gripped my hair, leaning into me harder as he let out another angry cry.

  The sound brought a hard pain to my chest.

  The pain worsened when I saw the expression in his eyes.

  He leaned his face into my neck, and I held him, pain still rippling off my light as I felt the vulnerability on him. Before I’d pulled my emotions all the way back, he was kissing my face and throat, asking me softly. He kissed me again, wanting my mouth on him, wanting me to do everything I’d done to Balidor, so he could get it over with all at once...

  Hearing his quiet words, something in me broke.

  I pressed my face into his chest, gripping his arms. For the first time, I let myself feel it. Whatever I’d told myself, I hadn’t let myself feel the truth. I’d convinced myself I’d only done it to Syrimne. I hadn’t let myself feel I’d done it to Revik, too.

  Looking at him, I realized I’d been lying to myself...maybe for months now. Whatever I’d told him, whatever had happened to him, the man I loved...the one I’d married...he was still there. Vash had been wrong, all those months ago.