His eyes met mine, holding an anger on the surface. He didn't answer me though.
Still studying his eyes, I touched his face. "There's more going on," I said. "We just got a message from China, and I need to act on it. Voi Pai is trying to – "
"Spare me," he cut in. "I don't need to hear it, Allie." For a moment he only stared at the wall. Turning, he gave me a cold look. "You shouldn't be sharing intel with me anyway. You know damned well if I ever got free – "
"Revik," I cut him off, caressing his arm. "Don't. Please don't. It's not you. It's me."
He let out an angry laugh, shaking his head. "Yeah."
He stared at me. For a brief pause, he seemed to see me again. Then his eyes hardened more. I flinched at the anger that shimmered off his light.
"Just fucking go, Allie. Leave."
"Revik," I said, clicking softly. "Please. What do you want me to do?"
He shook his head. "I told you what I want. I want you to go, Allie. I want you to go and never come back...just stop explaining and leave..."
I fell silent at the pain that flared off his light.
He was breathing harder, his skin flushed, his mouth curled in anger. I saw that coldness in his eyes, but more lay behind it, so much more that I couldn’t make sense of it. Neither could he, apparently. Confusion wove into the fury I could feel. Whatever it was, he barely seemed able to hold it back. His hands clenched on his thighs, and I felt pain on him, but it wasn’t separation pain, at least not all on its own.
Looking at his face, it crossed my mind to leave...come back and talk to him about this later, after we'd both slept. Take a shower. Let him cool off. Maybe I would feel differently then, too. Maybe I would be able to convince myself I really could finish this.
But somehow, I didn’t leave.
I should have left.
When I didn't move, pain came off him in a cloud. Then tears were running down his cheeks as he stared sightlessly at the wall. But most of what I felt on him was anger still...a rage so intense I couldn't get close enough to it to understand what it was about. I tried to touch him, but he didn't just flinch that time...he moved out of my reach, wiping his face with one hand.
"Revik," I said, soft. "I love you."
He shook his head, but didn't answer.
"Revik..." I began.
"Just stop, Allie," he said. "Stop. It's done. I want this to be done..."
"The sessions?" I felt a panic rise in my chest. "But we're so close. Please, just get some rest, Revik, and it'll feel different, I promise. I'll feel different – "
But he only shook his head, his voice deadened. "Not the sessions."
"Then what?"
"The marriage," he said, turning on me.
I flinched. I couldn’t help it.
That time, his eyes reacted to my flinch. I felt him hesitate, then he looked away again. He covered his face with a hand, closing his eyes.
"I know we can't be severed," he said, still not looking at me. "I know all that, Allie. But I'm done. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I want to find some way to work around the bond...to have lives apart from one another..." He shook his head, his voice holding that pain still. "...I know it won't be easy, but it's got to be better than this."
I just looked at him, unmoving. I was lost again...lost in that place I’d woken up in, that place without hope, without anything. The pain turned in my gut, throbbing a low, dead pulse. I felt a part of me starting to shut off, to close down.
I couldn’t handle this conversation, not now...maybe not ever.
But it was already here.
"I think we should formalize an agreement," he said. "Ground rules about how to use our light, and when to shield from one another." He met my gaze, his eyes empty. "And I want you to bring me someone to fuck. Anyone, Allie. Hire someone. All of this will be easier on both of us if we start taking other sexual partners...as soon as possible..."
Pain hit me, more than I could keep off my face.
“Don’t,” he growled. “Don’t fucking start crying...I mean it, Allie...I can't take that right now. I really can't. You know I'm right about this...don't make me out to be the prick, just because I'm the one willing to say it out loud...”
I shook my head, but I still couldn’t speak.
“I'm trying to make this easier for you," he said. "For both of us. The sooner we stop pretending, the better..."
I shook my head, but I still didn’t look at him. “You can have whatever you want, Revik. I just...can we talk about this later...”
“You want to talk about this later?" He turned to stare at me. "Allie...there is no 'later.' I want us to come to an agreement, then I don't want to see you again. I want Vash and Tarsi to help me with the rest, and for you and I to go our separate ways..."
I didn’t turn my head.
He stared at me for a moment longer. I felt his eyes on me, felt the pain coming off him, mixing with that colder anger, fighting its way out of him.
He wanted to hit me. He wanted to hurt me for real. I could feel that, too.
Even as I thought it, he lowered his voice, speaking in a kind of thick frustration.
“I can’t stand it, Allie...I mean it...I can’t fucking stand it anymore." His voice grew softer, holding so much pain I flinched. "I need you to go. I don't want to hurt you, and I don't trust myself not to if you stay. I never want to see you again, Allie...I mean it...”
“You said you wanted it to be me.”
My voice came from far away, almost from someone else.
“...I could have made it someone else, Revik...” I said. “I offered...”
He grabbed my wrist in his fingers, squeezing tight enough to hurt. I felt him pulling at me, even through the collar, trying to force me to look at him.
“I tried to rape you,” he said. “What the fuck are you doing, lying next to me?”
I shook my head, fighting for words. None came.
He released my wrist, half-throwing it back at me. I felt him fighting it again, pulling back at his light, fighting to control it. I watched this from far away, but I couldn’t feel it anymore.
The pain was gone. I couldn’t feel anything.
Even so, it took me longer to sit up than it should have. I looked down at my clothes, at my body, almost confused by their outlines. I tugged at the fabric of my pants, and they didn’t look familiar to me. I realized I was still lost in the clothing of that other place, that other time I’d lived. As I acknowledged that much, his words hit me again.
It wasn’t my life. I’d never been to those places. I’d never met those people.
Even the pain of it had been a voyeur’s pain.
“I’m sorry,” was all I said.
“Sorry?” he said. “For what? Are you fucking apologizing to me for raping you?”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. "No. Not for that."
My voice sounded far away again, unfamiliar to me.
I felt another pulse of anger off his light, sharp enough that I closed my eyes, blocking it. Once I’d closed my light that much, I found I couldn’t make myself want to open it again.
“Allie,” he said, his voice tired. “Why do you even care? You married me when I wasn’t me. We don't even know each other now...”
I couldn't make myself speak.
"Alyson!" he said. "Goddamn it. Are you going to give me what I'm asking for?"
I turned, meeting his gaze. I paused, silent when I saw him flinch at whatever he saw in my face. I continued to look at him, unable to take my eyes off his. As I did, I felt something in my mind phase out. Even in that, there wasn’t nothing at all.
Thoughts formed pictures, despite the overlapping silences.
They hung there, in the dark, devoid of meaning, of any dialogue or story, but the themes woven through weren’t difficult to understand.
I saw it again, what happened in D.C. The way he’d looked at me on the plane...what he’d said to me when he thought I was in love with Balidor
. What he’d said to me when I’d first entered the tank, all those weeks ago. Even as far back as the ship, and everything I’d done since to try and force us to be together. It had always been me, from the start. He'd pursued me as Syrimne, but only because of what I was, not because of me.
He’d been waiting for the Bridge. Some mythical being...not me.
Until he wasn't waiting for her anymore, either.
I didn’t have it in me to fight him anymore. Vash had warned me. So had Balidor. Even Jon in his own way, cautioned me about expecting too much. Remembering their words, I didn’t move for a long moment.
Then I reached up behind my neck. It took a moment for my fingers to find the right spot on the chain. Unclasping the latch to the necklace I’d worn for almost two years, even while I’d been a captive of Terian, I caught it in my hand when it fell. I saw his eyes follow my fingers as I coiled it in my palm...as I held it out to him.
He didn’t move at first. I motioned again with my hand for him to take it.
When he still didn’t move, my voice grew impatient.
“Take it, Revik," I said. "Please. I need you to take it.”
He met my gaze. I couldn’t read him at all now, but it no longer mattered.
“I'll shield my light," I said. "I'll do whatever you ask. But I need you to take this back."
Reaching out almost cautiously, he held his hand under mine. With barely a hesitation, I dropped the chain and the ring into his fingers.
“Is there anything else you want?” I said. “Anything else of yours I have?”
For a long moment, he only looked at the ring in his hand.
I watched him look, then realized I didn’t want to wait to hear what else he had to say. Before he could look up, I moved away from him, pulling my stiff legs under my body. Climbing to my feet, I didn’t pause. I walked directly to the door.
I knew I was too calm, that something was wrong with me. I couldn’t feel anything, even with him in the room, emanating light.
I also knew that someone was probably out there, listening, but I didn’t care about that, either. Banging on the metal with my palm, I raised my voice for the microphones.
“Open the door.”
“Allie...” Revik said. “Wait.”
I only hit the metal again, harder. Hard enough to hurt my hand.
Revik raised his voice, pulling on me with his light. “Allie! Goddamn it. Come back here. Right now...”
I banged on the metal again.
His voice rose angrier. “Don't you dare pretend you aren't relieved...or that you won't run right into his arms again, now that I've given you permission...”
I didn’t look at him. I knew I was crying, if only because I couldn’t see; my light snaked and sparked around me, but nothing lay before my eyes but a wash of blurred green. I still didn’t feel anything. The weight in my chest dulled all of it.
“Open the fucking door,” I said, louder, my voice harsh.
Before I could bang on it again, someone did.
JON LOOKED AT Dorje, feeling something in his hands go cold. Dorje seemed almost to be in pain, as if feeling something sympathetic through his light...but he couldn’t have felt anything, not through the thick walls of the tank, or even the collar.
Allie’s eyes, more than Revik’s words, brought a kind of sickness to Jon’s stomach, something he found he couldn’t really think past. He saw the anger in Revik’s face, the hardness of his mouth as he tried to get her to react, maybe to yell at him in return.
But Jon barely heard their words after her face changed like that.
Then he saw her hand back the ring.
She was on her feet then, and he moved even as she did, taking the handful of strides to the door at a near jog. He was still working on the combination lock at the front of the door, putting in symbols as Dorje read them to him from the terminal, when he heard her voice turn into a near snarl through the loudspeaker.
“Open the fucking door!”
Just then, the lock caught, and he heard the mechanism roll backwards, moving all of the cylinders back into place on the back of the door. Twisting the wheel on the outside of the thick piece of green organic, he heard the seal give with a faint sucking sound. He was still pulling it open when she was already past him and through the opening.
She probably would have walked out of the room altogether, before he could get the thing closed and locked again, but he stopped pushing at its weight once it met the seal, raising his voice to stop her.
“Allie!” he said.
She paused on one foot. Then she turned, her expression entirely empty.
Staring at the mask of her face, Jon swallowed a little.
“Al,” he said, at a loss. “What are you doing?”
She didn’t seem to understand the question.
Her eyes went almost blank in the pause, just before they shifted to Dorje. Then she looked back at Jon. The calm on her face unnerved him, more than any expression he’d seen in her eyes before, even when they’d glowed at him with that alien, pale-green light.
“Give him whatever he wants,” she said in Prexci.
Her voice remained as flat as her expression.
“If you need money, let me know,” she said. “...otherwise, I’ll cover it afterwards. Or he can, if you’re willing to wait. It’s going to take me a few days to get my name off all of the relevant accounts. You’re going to want to set up some kind of terminal so he can access some of his funds, without – ”
“Al!” Jon cut into her words. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Her eyes grew cold, the color of a frozen stream. Jon felt his breath catch. He didn’t recognize anything he could see there...anything at all.
“I said to give him whatever he wants,” she said.
“You really want us to put a prostitute in there?”
Her mouth rose in a half-smile. Again, he didn’t know it, or the look in her eyes that came with it. She just looked at him, her expression unmoving.
“Which part of ‘whatever he wants’ isn’t clear?” she said. “You’ll have to pay to transport them here...and to keep the location secret. But if he likes a few of them, you can probably board them in the caves for awhile. Hell, I’m sure you can order them from the network channels, Jon. Give him a terminal...let him pick whatever flavor he wants.”
“Al, that’s completely nuts,” Jon said. “You know that, right? Let him calm down, all right? Both of you need to just calm down...you're exhausted...”
She shook her head though, her eyes unchanging.
Jon tried again. "Allie..."
“Just do it,” she said. "I need to go and talk to Balidor about the Cass thing. I don't have the time or the inclination to deal with this, too."
Jon started to shake his head, but her voice grew dangerously quiet.
“That’s not a fucking request.”
When he started to speak, she held up a hand, her eyes sparking faintly with greenish light.
“...And don’t bother me with it again. Talk to Poresh if you need help with the logistics...or one of the others, I don’t care who. Just leave me out of it.”
Before Jon could think of a reply, she had already turned away.
He watched as she disappeared back into the corridor leading to the common areas and the residences housed inside the caves. It wasn’t until she was completely gone, that he glanced at Dorje. The seer was looking at him, sympathy in his brown eyes.
After a pause, Dorje gestured towards the organic door.
“Lock the hatch, cousin,” he said softly.
Jon realized he still hadn’t locked the door. He held the handle, and the door was shut, but he hadn’t activated the new code, or spun the wheel to reengage the seal. He stared at the thick door, his mind still moving somewhere, sluggishly in the background, without being connected to the rest of him. He looked past Dorje then, staring at the organic window into the tank. Through the green-tinted pane, he saw Revik sitting against
the wall, his forearms resting on his knees.
His clear eyes stared at the ceiling, his expression unreadable. The silver chain with the ring dangled from the fingers of one hand.
Staring at him for another blink of time, Jon felt his hands clench into fists.
Before the thought fully formed, he jerked at the handle of the door.
“Cousin!” Dorje said. “No!”
Ignoring him, Jon jerked on the handle of the door to open it, then stepped in to the green tiled room beyond. Turning around once he was inside, he slammed the heavy door behind him, hitting the key for the lock.
He saw Revik look up, but didn’t meet his gaze. Without pausing, he walked directly to where the seer sat on the floor.
“Jon.” Revik watched him approach, his eyes startled. “Jon, what – ”
Jon kicked him, hard, in the leg. Without a pause, he kicked him again, bending down to hit him in the mouth as hard as he could with his fist. Kicking him again, in the ribs that time, he grabbed his shoulder, slamming him against the organic metal of the wall. Revik only cowered away from his blows, throwing up his arms.
“Jon! Cousin! Please...please!”
He hit him again, slamming his fist against the left side of his head. It hurt his hand, but it must have hurt Revik more, because he let out a gasp when it knocked him sideways. He held up his hands then, protecting his temples.
“Cousin!” he said. “Please! Stop!”
“Jon! Stop!” Dorje’s voice came over the loudspeaker, sounding worried, strangely far away. “Stop, cousin...please! I’ll have to gas both of you if you don’t!”
Jon found himself standing over the dark-haired seer, breathing hard, every muscle in his arms and shoulders tensed. He stared down at the man who had been his friend, and the fury in his heart nearly exploded out of him when he saw the other staring at the wall, wiping his bleeding lip with the back of his hand.
“You just couldn’t help yourself, could you?” he spat. “You couldn’t fucking help it, right?”
“I did her a favor.”
Allie's War Season Two Page 95