“Did you? Was that supposed to be a mercy killing?”
Revik stared at him. His mouth hardened.
“We don’t belong together,” he said.
“No shit!” Jon shouted at him.
Revik winced, staring up at him.
Jon took a step closer, fighting not to hit him again.
“What the hell do you think everyone’s been telling her for the past year?” Jon said. “What do you think she’s been hearing from every single person...anyone she tries to convince you’re worth giving a damn about? Do you think the other seers have been supportive? That they’ve all been giving her high fives, for half-killing herself in here with you? Every goddamned one of them would shoot you in the head, if you weren’t bonded to her...”
Revik’s mouth hardened more.
“And you think she needs it from you, too?” Jon said. “You self-centered prick! She asked for a break. A fucking break is all. You couldn't give her that?”
Revik shook his head, his eyes cold.
"That's not the point..."
"Then what is, exactly? What was the point of that?"
“Maybe they’re right, Jon," he said. "All of those people.”
“What?”
“Maybe I should die. Maybe we both should. I don’t see how we’ve done a hell of a lot of good for anyone since we got together...”
“Jesus H. Christ. So it’s a suicide pact? You're back on that kick again?”
“She’s the Bridge isn’t she? Maybe she shouldn’t be here. Maybe it’s not her time yet. Maybe us being here at the same time is only making everything worse...”
“Just what the hell kind of monster are you?”
“Monster?” Revik clicked at him in irritation, touching his temple with his fingers and wincing. He looked up at Jon. "That’s probably the most selfless thing I’ve done with her since I met her...”
“The most cowardly, you mean.”
“What’s your problem, Jon?”
“What’s my problem, man?” he said. “Did you really just ask me that?”
Revik’s eyes met his. “You know I’m right. You said as much. She’s better off without me...hell.” He gave a short laugh. “Everyone thinks so. You said that, too.”
Jon just looked at him, clenching his hands in frustration.
“What did she ever do to you, man?” he said. “Seriously. That wasn’t some brush off. It wasn’t even you trying to hurt her enough that she’d leave. You wanted her to stay, just so you could keep lobbing those fucking bombs at her. You were trying to hurt her...”
Revik shook his head, clicking louder.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt her.”
“Yes,” Jon snapped. “You were. Why? What did she do?”
“She didn’t do anything, Jon,” he said. “She just tends to need to hear things in strong words...or she ignores them. I’ve tried being subtle with her. It doesn’t work. She needs to be hit with a two-by-four or it’s like I didn’t say anything...”
“Really?” Jon said. “That’s your excuse? So she’s just a little thick then, I guess? Dim-witted?” When the seer wouldn’t look at him, his voice grew openly angry. “I'm not her, Revik. I'm not Allie...you can't sell me the 'Allie's stupid' crap and expect it to fly. Hell, I think she's smarter than you are...about everything but you, that is...”
“Jon,” he said, looking up. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
“Okay. Fine.” Jon held up his hands. “So let’s just have a conversation then...since you’re so reasonable about all this.”
Revik’s jaw hardened more, but he didn’t speak.
“So tell me,” Jon said, fighting his own anger. “...what about the bond, man? The fact that the two of you literally can’t separate your light, or you’ll die? What do you plan to do about that? Or do you think if you’re a big enough prick to her, that will go away, too?”
Revik frowned. He clasped his fingers between his knees, the chain and ring still dangling between them. His eyes focused on the ring, expressionless.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“You don’t know.”
“No, Jon,” he said. “I don’t. But we’ll figure something out. You heard her. We can shield. We can find some way to – ”
“Shield?" Jon said, incredulous. "You're just going to shield your light, while you go back to buying sex...or selling it, or whatever it is you do? You can't be serious, man."
“What the fuck do you want from me?”
When Revik looked up, Jon froze, staring at the tears in the other man’s eyes. He could only gape at the seer’s face, sure he was hallucinating at first, but Revik looked away, gripping his own hair in his hand. For a long moment, Jon didn’t move, watching him sit there, his knees up, his hands in his hair as his body hitched under his breaths. He wiped his eyes as Jon watched.
“I fucking raped her, Jon.”
Jon frowned. “I know, man...I saw.”
Revik winced, clutching his hair harder.
“Then what do you want from me?” he said. “Why won’t you leave me alone?”
“Because that’s not what this is, man,” Jon said.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“You didn't do this for her. You are angry at her...why?”
The seer didn’t move for a long moment. He sat there, staring out over the dark green room, his eyes out of focus. Tears still ran down his face as Jon watched, but the look in his eyes was anger again, an anger that was seemed to darken the longer Jon looked at it. Revik wiped his cheek with the palm of his hand, his eyes hardening more.
“She’ll never forgive me, Jon.”
“She might not now,” he said mildly.
Revik looked up, his eyes flashing with anger.
“You don’t know how she looked at me,” he said. “Every time, Jon. After every session...she looked at me different. I could see it on her face. Not just the people I killed...whoever I slept with, whatever I did to the seers in my unit...what I did to those human women, in the town...”
“Revik, man.” Jon sighed. “What do you expect?”
“I don’t expect anything! But I don’t need that shit, Jon! It’s bad enough, her seeing all this...it’s bad enough having to remember it myself. I won’t keep explaining it to her for the rest of my life. I’m not going to do it! I won’t!”
Jon just watched him, his eyes holding a faint incredulity. "Seriously, man? That's pathetic."
“She’ll never let it go,” Revik said, wiping his face again. “She’ll look at me, and she’ll think I’m a murderer, a whore-monger, a little runt fuck, like I was when I was a kid. She’ll never see me the same, Jon. Never. And I'll never be right...not with her around, reminding me of what I was, every time I do anything..."
When the seer looked away, his eyes angry once more, Jon sighed.
“Jesus, man. You’ve got to give her time to deal with this stuff. You've got to give yourself time, too. And you're wrong about her, anyway...that's not what's bothering her. She's exhausted, Revik. And she's worried about you...and Cass...and about a million other things. She’s doing her damnedest to be the good little soldier, to not get upset...”
Revik gave a hard laugh, his fingers in his hair again.
There was another silence.
In it, Jon found himself looking at the other seer with new eyes. Something clicked as he stared, until he found himself letting out a kind of understanding exhale.
“That’s still not all of it, man,” he said, quieter. “Come on. Let's have it.”
The seer shook his head, staring at the floor. His hand shook when he wiped his face with his knuckles, using his fingers on his cheeks.
“I’m not mad at her,” he said.
Jon whistled softly. “Yeah. You are. And not for any of the reasons you just gave. Tell me the truth...seriously. I'm not leaving until you do.”
Revik clicked in annoyance. “You’re making up stories, Jon.”
&nbs
p; “I don’t think so. Come on. What’s this really about?”
Revik shook his head, not answering.
Jon waited, watching the angular face as thoughts clouded those clear eyes, as he frowned down at his own feet. After a pause, Revik shook his head. A thick laugh left his throat, even as he gripped his hair, clicking to himself. Or maybe at himself.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make any sense. It’s not real, Jon...”
“What isn’t?”
“I told you, it – ”
“...Doesn’t matter, I know,” Jon said. “So why not just tell me then?”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Revik, jesus. You accuse her of acting like a child – ”
“She fucking left me here!” Revik snarled.
Jon flinched. He stared at Revik’s face, watching the seer breathe harder as he glared up at him. The anger in his face only worsened though, until he was fighting clutching breaths, his eyes flashing with sparks of light, enough to make Jon nervous. The seer's skin flushed, even as his long fingers clenched on his thighs.
“Just drop it, all right!” he said.
Jon swallowed, but he held his ground, folding his arms.
“What do you mean? When did she leave you?”
“Drop it, Jon!”
“No, I’m not going to drop it. When did she leave you? Because as long as I’ve known you, it’s been you pushing her away...”
“Bullshit.”
“Revik, for God’s sake...”
“Just fucking leave it alone, Jon!”
When Jon only stared at him, his arms folded, the seer glared up at him, his eyes shining once more, but this time with tears. Anger hardened his mouth, even as he gestured with one hand, wiping his face as he growled out words.
“For years,” he said. “For fucking years, Jon. Do you understand? She left me to rot. She left me with them. For years...and now she’s going to judge me for how I am? She leaves me in...that...and she’s going to judge me?" He wiped his face with his other hand, gesturing shortly. "Letting go of her, of that whole bullshit story...it was the only thing that helped. I was better after that, Jon. I was better...”
“Revik,” Jon looked at him, now at a loss. “What, man? What are you talking about?”
“I don’t have to listen to any of that crap...not from her! Not from someone who never had to deal with anything...who never bothered to show up, to even just be there, if only to help me with it. She can just go back to her fucking gods and her golden goddamned light ocean or whatever the fuck she wants...”
Jon just stared at the seer’s face, bewildered.
He saw the anger there, but also something else, a kind of desperate hurt, something that he’d seen in the male Elaerian’s face before, but not in a long time.
And not like this. Or maybe he’d just never really connected the dots to what he knew about him now, what he could see in him now.
“She doesn’t get it,” the seer said. “She’ll never get it, Jon...and I don’t even care anymore. If she wanted me to be with her here, she needed to get it...at least a little bit...”
“Get what?” Jon said. “What do you need her to get?”
Revik closed his eyes, resting his head back on his hands.
He gave a short laugh while Jon watched, shaking his head.
“I told you it didn’t matter,” he said. “Just forget it.”
Jon continued to look at him, frowning.
After the faintest pause, he let his knees bend, coming down to a cross-legged position in a single fluid fall. Still watching the seer’s face, he moved closer to where he sat, so that their legs were almost touching. When the silence stretched, he laid a hand on his arm.
“What are you talking about, man?” he said.
Revik shook his head, his eyes closed. “You wouldn’t understand.”
“Try me.”
Revik only shook his head again. He wiped his eyes again while Jon watched, still clutching the silver chain in his fingers where they wound into his hair. Jon found himself thinking about his words then, turning them over in his mind. After another moment where the seer just sat there, not looking at him, Jon sighed, louder that time.
“Revik. Are you angry at her that she wasn’t born until now?”
The seer’s jaw hardened. He didn’t look up.
After another pause, he exhaled, shaking his head, clicking.
"That's not the point. I'm not a better person with her around," he said. "I'm worse. And so is she..."
Watching his face, Jon shook his own head, feeling a sharp wave of unreality, mixed with a kind of exasperated compassion as he looked at the other man.
“Revik.” He sighed again, leaning his back against the wall next to him. “You think when she was born was her fault somehow? That she didn’t come soon enough?”
“Forget it, Jon. You’re not a seer. You wouldn’t understand.”
“No...I get it.”
“I said forget it, Jon.”
“But that’s it, isn’t it?” he said. “You think she abandoned you down here. Left you with uncle Menlim and Merenje because she couldn’t be bothered to come get you?” Jon watched the other’s face, seeing it tighten under his scrutiny. “...Or maybe it’s some intermediary thing?” he said. “Some grand, cosmological scheme that just didn’t factor you in? Or deem you as all that important, maybe?”
“Jon...please. Just drop it, okay?”
Jon couldn’t help but stare at him though, his eyes and voice incredulous.
“That’s deeply crazy, man. You know that, right?” He caught hold of the seer’s arm again, squeezing his shoulder. “I don’t give a damn what race you are. That is some seriously crazy shit, Revik...to blame her for something like that...”
“I don’t blame her.”
“The hell you don’t!” Jon gave a short laugh. “You do, Revik. Flat out.”
“I said it didn’t make sense. Anyway, that's not the point...”
“But it still pisses you off.”
Revik exhaled, clicking as he continued to stare at his feet. After another pause, he closed his eyes. Jon watched his face tighten again, just before he nodded.
“Yeah. It still pisses me off.”
“Did you actually tell her that?”
“No.”
“Don’t you think you should?”
“Why, Jon?” Revik met his gaze, his jaw hard. “What good would that do? It doesn’t change anything, does it? It doesn’t fix anything. And I don't want to get on this fucking merry-go-round with her again. I told you...it doesn't make me better. She doesn't make me better. I should be alone...or with someone who doesn't make me crazy. She should be, too...”
Jon leaned against the wall, shaking his head.
“You need to tell her, man. You can't just end a marriage and not tell a person why."
“That’s a courtesy, Jon. Not a reason.”
“Isn’t it reason enough?” Jon said.
Revik’s eyes clouded briefly, then he shook his head.
“I don’t want to talk to her, Jon. I really don’t.”
“Well, that’s good, man...because I don’t think she’s going to be coming back here for awhile.”
At the other’s irritated clicking, Jon sighed, closing his own eyes as he leaned his head against the wall.
“Jesus, Revik. Do you really want her out of your life totally?” He looked at him, turning his head. “She told me to get you a prostitute. As many as you wanted, actually.”
Revik gave him a narrow look. “She said that?”
“Yeah, man. She said to give you your choice...‘let him pick a flavor,’ she said. She authorized funds and everything...” He paused, watching the Elaerian’s eyes cloud again as he stared at the floor. “If you think she’s sticking around for that, you’re high, Revik. My guess is, you won’t be seeing her for awhile, man. If ever.”
There was another silence.
Then Revik shook his hea
d, clicking under his breath.
“She's better off.”
Looking at the seer's closed face, Jon felt a sudden swell of anger.
“Bullshit she's better off," he snapped. "I knew her before, man. You might have been creepy stalker guy...but you obviously missed a lot." His voice sharpened when the other only shook his head. "And bullshit that you're better off, too. You were half of who you really are. That might be easier, but it's hardly better..."
"Really, Jon?" Revik looked up, his mouth hard. "You remember me before the op in D.C., don't you? Tell me...was I 'better' then? Was that the lighter, more forgiving and rational part of my nature you saw? You can't even blame it all on the Syrimne thing...she made me insane before I shot that kid. I was already falling...even before. You know it. I know you do..."
Jon stared at him, his mouth pursed. After another pause, he shook his head.
"Revik, man. You must have known it would be hard...dealing with all of this. You can't blame that on Allie. You can't.” The anger left his voice somewhat though, as he saw the tired, empty look return to the other's face. "...And anyway, it wasn't all the marriage. Having that kid uncollared and so close...that had to be affecting you. You probably were already dealing with the Syrimne part of yourself. Even before you shot him..."
Revik's eyes were distant once more. Gesturing vaguely, he rubbed his face with his hand, leaning his head against the tile wall.
"It doesn't matter now anyway, Jon," he said, his voice hollow. "She can't be gone for that long...not while I'm in here. Like you said, we’re bonded. She leaves for a few weeks, and we’re both going to feel it. More than feel it, if it’s anything like last time...”
Jon just looked at him for a moment.
Then he sighed, leaning his head on the wall next to Revik's.
“I’m sure she can find a way around that, man,” Jon said. “Her ‘dim-wittedness’ aside, she’s always been pretty good at making things happen that she wants to have happen.”
The seer shrugged with a hand.
“She can’t beat the bond, Jon.”
“No, man,” Jon said, looking at him. “But she can probably beat you.”
The seer looked over at that, his clear eyes narrow.
"I'm not trying to 'win' anything." He focused back on the far wall. "I knew I wouldn't be able to handle being married again. I knew it as far back as the ship. I did it anyway. You're right, it's not her fault, but that doesn't change anything either..."
Allie's War Season Two Page 96