Allie's War Season Two

by JC Andrijeski

  I didn’t let that last very long either.

  Pulling away, I forced myself to hold his gaze.

  “I love you, ‘Dori,” I said. “Remember that, okay?”

  “Allie.” His pain hit out at me. “Don’t leave. Don’t say goodbye to me, please...”

  I couldn't hold his stare. “'Dori...please. Please try to understand. I really can't stay here. I know that probably doesn't make sense to you, but..."

  “It doesn’t,” he cut in, caressing my face again. Stepping closer, he kissed me again, pulling me back into his arms. “It doesn’t, Allie...but it doesn't matter. You don’t have to stay here. But you don’t have to go alone. You don’t have to leave all of us...I’ll go with you.”

  I gave a humorless laugh. “No,” I said. “No, ‘Dori...you won't.”

  “Why, Allie? Why not?”

  “Because you’re the head of the Adhipan,” I repeated. I still couldn't make myself look at him. I felt my own pain rise. “Please, Balidor...don’t make this harder. Please.”

  When I started to pull away, he caught my arm again.

  “Allie...I love you. I really love you.” His eyes met mine, and I felt my throat close when I saw tears in them. “Please. Please don’t walk away. I know you’re bonded to him, Allie. I know you are...but I want you to be with me.”

  The pain in my light worsened, enough that I couldn’t answer him.

  His fingers tightened on my arms. He pulled me closer to him.

  “Please, Allie,” he said. “Please. I swear to the gods...it doesn’t have to be now. You can take all the time you need...all the time you want...”

  I shook my head, feeling a kind of futility wash over me.

  “I can’t, ‘Dori,” I said. “I’m sorry. I wish I could, but I really can’t.”

  “Why?” His pain wound back into my light, worsening as we stood there. He was pulling on me then, kissing my face. “Why, Allie? You just said you loved me.”

  “I do, ‘Dori,” I said. I bit my tongue. “I do love you...but not the way you mean.”

  Seeing the look that came to his face, I shook my head, more in a feeble attempt to clear it. Averting my eyes, I wiped my cheek, feeling my jaw harden as I realized I’d hurt him now, too. Nothing like spreading the pain around, when I hadn’t even faced my own yet.

  Disentangling my arm from his fingers, I took a step back from where he stood, my hands shaking. I couldn’t look at him at all.

  “‘Bye, ‘Dor,” I said. "I'm sorry. I really am."

  I walked away from him, faster than I should have. Faster than he deserved.

  That time, he didn’t try to follow me.

  He wasn’t there when the truck took off for Amritsar, either.

  Jon and Dorje drove me, all three of us sitting in the front seat of a rust bucket monster that seemed to claw its way down the roads as much as ride over them. I had to climb up on one of the large, all-terrain tires just to get into the cab.

  We didn’t talk a whole lot on the way down, but I was shocked to see Dorje crying a few times. I figured it had to do with the Bridge thing, as much as me personally. Or maybe he just anticipated having to deal with Jon being upset once I’d gone. Seeing Jon’s stony expression, even where he sat next to me, holding my hand, I didn’t want to ask.

  I should have felt better on the plane, being away from all that.

  I didn't, even though I flew first class, which was enough of a novelty that I couldn’t help but play with all of the gadgets in my individual cubicle, ordering every manner of drink and food item I could think of on the way to Beijing. I didn’t end up eating most of it though, or drinking more than a few swallows.

  I had to wonder about my disguise, too, when I saw the limousine waiting for me on the curb. The seer standing there looked directly at me, opening the door as soon as I left the sliding glass doors to the international terminal. In the same pause, I felt more infiltrators behind me, and realized they'd flanked me all the way from the door of the airplane. I wasn't sure if their presence was meant to be reassuring...or a veiled threat.

  None of them talked to me, other than to acknowledge the forms. I climbed into the back, only pausing to return the countersign for the hand signal the driver gave me.

  Honestly, all I could think on the drive from the airport to the Forbidden City, was that I wanted this part over with. I didn't think about the rebels really...or even Cass.

  I just wanted to finish this thing, this last job as the Bridge. I figured once I knew what Voi Pai wanted from me, I could just give it to her and be done with it. My guess was, she wanted to bargain with me personally. She just wanted to do it on her terms, holding all the cards, and at the biggest possible hassle to all concerned.

  Mostly, she just wanted me to jump when she said jump.

  So I’d dance for her. I figured I really didn’t have much to lose, giving her that little power rush she seemed to crave. I didn’t need any authority over her, or the Lao Hu, especially not now. I didn’t even want it.

  Really, all excuses of uselessness and death threats aside, all I really wanted to do was go back to being nobody. I wanted to disappear, to be swallowed by the faceless hum of humanity until none of these people even remembered I existed.

  Especially Revik.

  REVIK STARED DOWN at the folded square of paper.

  He didn’t pick it up. He didn’t make a move towards the section of floor where the human dropped it, but continued to use flat naan bread to scoop up the curry he was eating. He looked up at Jon, shoving another portion into his mouth and chewing. He swallowed the mouthful before he spoke again.

  “A letter?” he said. “Seriously? Where is she?”

  “Just read it, Revik.”

  “What’s in it?”

  “How would I know that?” Jon said, not looking at him.

  Revik gave him a tight-lipped smile, shaking his head.

  “Well, I know you’ve been talking to little sis,” he said a second later, resting his arms on his knees as he stared up at him narrowly. “...Or you wouldn’t be so pissed off at me again.” He watched the human, studying his expression. “What did she say, Jon?”

  “She didn’t say anything. Look. Just read it...or don’t. I’ve got things to do.”

  But Revik shook his head, clicking.

  Stepping on it carefully, he pushed the note away with his bare foot.

  “No,” he said, picking up the curry dish once more and resting it on his thighs. “Tell her no, Jon. Forget it. I’m not reading a goddamned note. Tell her I want to talk to her. I want her to come back here, Jon...now. We have things we need to discuss.”

  Jon stopped in his tracks from where he’d been heading for the door. Turning, he gave Revik a disbelieving look.

  “Jesus, man...you just don’t get it.”

  “Don’t get what?”

  “She’s gone, Revik. She left. She asked me to give you that after she left. So you get the note...or you get nothing.”

  Revik stared at him, feeling his jaw harden. For a moment he wondered if the human was yanking his chain. But his face didn’t look like a lie. He looked upset.

  Like she might really have left.

  Fighting the anger that wanted to coil back into his light, he shook his head, clicking sharply. Still, he found himself replaying the human’s words. The longer he did, the more the anger worsened, shifting and combining with something denser, a kind of confused disbelief. He felt the food begin to turn in his stomach.

  “When is she coming back?” he said.

  Jon let out an incredulous laugh. Shaking his head, he turned away without answering, heading for the door again with rapid strides.

  “Jon!” Revik said. “Wait a minute!”

  But the human didn’t turn.

  Dorje waited for him by the heavy green door, and held it open for him as Jon exited through to the corridor beyond. Dorje didn’t look at him, either, not directly anyway, but Revik saw the anger on the smaller seer’s f
ace.

  Frowning as it occurred to him that Jon had literally only come inside to give him the note, Revik looked down at the folded squares of paper, still sitting by his foot.

  After a longer pause, he stepped on it again, pulling it closer with his toes.

  Holding the metal dish, he used the bread to scoop up another mouthful of curry. He ate for another handful of minutes, but his eyes never left the square of paper.

  She couldn’t be gone long. She couldn’t be.

  Even so, he remembered the human’s laugh. Taking another bite of coconut curry and spices, he chewed on the chicken without tasting it.

  Finally, he put down the metal plate, wiping his hands on the rag they’d given him. Reaching down, he picked up the note. He stared at it without opening it for another couple of minutes before he felt his jaw harden again.

  Opening it and flattening the paper against his thigh, he began to read.

  Revik, it said.

  There was no other greeting. Staring at where she’d written his name, he almost felt her hesitation. Swallowing, he let his eyes return to the top.

  Revik,

  I know a note isn’t the best way to do this. There didn’t feel like any ideal way to do this, though, honestly, and I felt like I should tell you a few things before I left...

  He felt his jaw harden, but read on.

  Firstly, in regards to your finances. You had given me access to a number of your accounts...I didn’t want you to worry about me doing anything with those without your consent, so I took the liberty of pulling my name off all of them. They let me do so at all of the banks except... His eyes skipped ahead, skimming lines. ...where they need your signature, or some key code confirmation, I guess. They said you would understand. I sent them everything they needed on my end. So you just need to talk to Jon...or maybe Dorje. He was going to set up a terminal to let you reach them directly. For obvious reasons, I couldn’t do anything with your will, and I can’t yet return the property Voi Pai stole from you, but I’m going to try to get at least some of it back if I can...

  Revik felt his jaw harden more. Skimming through more details around the accounts, his eyes shifted to the next paragraph.

  ...I also spoke to Vash, and Tarsi. They’ve agreed to help you with whatever else you might need in the way of the Barrier sessions we’d done, or any light work more generally. I know this isn’t exactly freedom, to push this on you, but I got them to agree to release you once you’d gotten to a point with all this where you could handle yourself on your own. Meaning, without needing any assistance from either the Seven or the Dreng. They agreed that any work you wanted to do beyond that, you could handle on your own...but Vash said he’d make himself available to you for as long as you wanted.

  I asked them not to draw this out, and they promised they wouldn’t. I didn’t want you being forced into something with monks in caves again, either, but Vash didn’t seem to think that would help you much at this point anyway. I asked them to unchain you, too, but Balidor wants to wait until Vash and Tarsi give the okay...

  “Where the fuck are you?” he growled under his breath.

  ...As far as your people are concerned, I’m going to do what I can. I can’t promise anything, but I have some hope that Voi Pai might trade with me. The request we got from her most recently seemed to imply that if I came in person, she might grant me what I want, or at least discuss real terms. So I’m going to Beijing first. I’ll see if I can find out what happened to Wreg while I’m there, and send word back with Cass and Baguen...

  He flipped to the back of the letter, scanned a few more lines, then returned to where he’d left off on the front. His mouth tightened until he realized he was biting the inside of his cheek, hard enough to taste blood.

  “Where are you Allie?” he muttered.

  ...If you get uncomfortable anytime in the next few weeks, tell Jon. I asked them to work on a collar that would make you difficult to locate, for security reasons for the Adhipan and the others...but that shouldn’t cut you off from the Barrier totally. Vash also agreed to try and help you, in terms of anything you want to do to try and address the worst effects of the bond. Anything you figure out on your own, I’d appreciate it if you could share with them, as I will likely be in contact with them periodically for a few months at least...

  He stared at the words, re-reading the last line a few times. Biting his cheek again, he forced his eyes to continue on down the page.

  ...I know I probably don’t need to ask you this, as it’s kind of a redundant request at this point, but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t come looking for me, Revik. For any reason. You’ll probably agree that we’ve both said enough in terms of apologies and explanations and accusations and so forth between us, that we really don’t need to go over it all again. I am genuinely sorry for any pain I’ve caused you...not just in these last few weeks, but since we met. I know I’m at least partly responsible for what happened to you over these last two years, and I don’t just mean drugging you on that plane...I mean all of it.

  He stared at the words. Pain started somewhere in his light, seemingly in his chest, but he forced it back.

  As he did, the anger returned, sending a pulse of heat through his light.

  ...That being said, I’m especially sorry for deceiving you while I was staying with you those months in the mountains. It’s really difficult for me to sort out how I feel about some of that now, in terms of my motives and how I acted...as well as where things happened between us that felt more genuine. I realize now that I was living a fantasy there too, in a way. I knew you had that idea of us pounded into you by Menlim...and that it left you with a pretty mythologized idea of who we were to one another. I knew it wasn’t realistic, in terms of who I really am. I’m not angry about that, Revik...I’m really not. I guess I’ve known for awhile that things might not work out for us, once that myth held less power over you.

  I have no idea if you understand or even care at this point why I thought it needed to be done...taking you out of there...but I want you to know that I never intended to impede your free will permanently in that regard. I wanted to give you the chance to view the Dreng and Salinse in a more objective light...without the strain of needing them because of what Menlim did to you when you were a kid. What you choose to do with that information is completely up to you. I have no intention of going after you again, or sending anyone to stop you if you decide to pick up where you left off with Salinse or whoever else. It’s not sentimentality on my part...or guilt. The thing is, I know you can do a lot of good in that role, Revik. It was never the what so much as the how...although maybe I didn’t fully understand that myself until the end. I’ve never questioned your motives though, Revik...I really didn't. I knew what you were fighting for. I’m just not sure the Dreng will actually help you attain the ends you want. I know you understand this, better than I ever will, but I’m realizing that sometimes it’s better to fight and lose, than it is to win for the wrong side. But that’s something I’ve always respected about you, that you fight for things, even if I don’t always agree with how you do it, or for whom.

  There’s a part of me that hoped we would come out of this on the same side again, that we’d see the important things the same, or close enough to work together. The truth is, I liked working with you, Revik. You’re a great leader, and a compassionate one. Despite what I said before, I know that wasn’t all the Dreng...it’s who you are. You inspire people. You understand them, too.

  You don’t know how tempting it was to just stay there...to just forget everything else and be your wife there forever. But it would have been the worst thing I could have done to you, to join you in that lie. It would have meant compromising on our marriage, on who you really are. The sex was fantastic, Revik...it always was with you. But even you might see some day that it was a little empty when we were with the Dreng, compared to how it was when it was just us. I think you felt it, too. If you hadn’t, I don’t know if you would have tried s
o hard to tie me to you in other ways.

  But I’m also realizing more and more, even without the Dreng, I’m just not a part of your world. Everything I’ve witnessed about seers’ day-to-day lives, I’ve done as an outsider, as a newcomer in whatever way...maybe even a tourist. I’ll never know what it was like, growing up the way you did. I think maybe the gap there, between us, is just too big to make a marriage work. I think it’s also too big for me to make a very effective leader of our people. I’m tired of pretending, too, Revik...about a lot of things.

  His jaw tightened as he re-read the last line. He found himself staring at it for a few seconds more before his eyes slid down the page.

  ...As much as I’d hoped we might come out of this intact, I really did always know that this was just as likely. I certainly knew nothing would ever be the same with us again, no matter whether you came to forgive me for what I did, or understand it, or not. So believe me when I tell you, I don’t blame you for anything. I’m not bitter things turned out this way. I also don’t feel as though either of us didn’t try. But I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. It does hurt. It hurts a lot. I never cared that you were the Sword. I didn’t grow up in the mythology, so I honestly don’t give a damn about any of that. But I lost a husband in this...and I love you, Revik, more than I can tell you. I loved you before I knew you were Syrimne and I loved you after, even when I was trying to reach you through the Dreng and whatever else. I still love you, despite everything we’ve done to one another...so much so I couldn’t make myself give you this note in person. I know it’s cowardice, but I couldn’t handle seeing you again, knowing it was goodbye.