Languished Life

by Patrik Mielonen

  After lunch, the platoon is practicing battle formations and tactics. They have to know what horn issues what command and so on. Tenil’s fever is making her heart pound rapidly, her mind hazy, resulting in failed comprehension of the commands. They’re training outside the brigade’s walls in the woods a hundred yards off the wall.

  “Tenil! Get it right this time!” The lieutenant cries, face red.

  “Yes, Sir!”

  Her comrades are speaking ill of her, calling her a dimwit, weakling, failure of a man, and so on. They still don’t know she is a girl, and most likely she’s going to take that secret to her grave. Her mother is still in the jail, her father most likely dead by now. The fortress in West still holds according to the rumors, but there’s no telling if it’ll fall today.

  Once the training is over, Tenil’s heart is throbbing painfully as their platoon is heading to the dining hall. Will I die now? Is the disease taking my life? Mom... Even now, Tenil can’t shed a tear. She takes a few bites of the food that isn’t soup, but something else that can’t be described with human tongue.

  She pukes.

  A pool of digested food spreads on the floor, Tenil retching beside it. The disease has to be the cause, she reasons. Why doesn’t the army care about her condition? Could it be that they want her to die? To thin out the weaklings?

  Everyone is looking at her, disgusted. As soon as she recovers a little, she fetches a rag to clean up the mess, laughed at all the while. Her ears are shutting out all the external voices for the sake of her sanity. If not, she’d start considering a suicide. It’s too ruthless, the kingdom’s army, that is.

  Once in the barrack, Tenil lies down at once, her heart aching. The bullies from the last time start harassing her again, however. They steal her blanket, disturb her, and the one whom she hit with the wooden sword gets his revenge by hitting her a few times.

  “Rikyl, stop it. We don’t want him to die too early, right? We want the lieutenant to direct his violent nature on him.”

  “Fine, Oreon,” the one who hits her replies to the blanket thief.

  Oreon takes the blanket for himself, leaving Tenil without one. She isn’t strong enough to stand up to him, especially now that she is sick. To keep herself warm, she sleeps under the mattress, the hard wood pressing against her. She’ll feel it in the morning, but at least she won’t have to sleep without a blanket.

  ***

  In the morning of her fifth day, the fever is giving in. Tenil feels much better, though still sick. She may be fine for now, but once the action starts, her condition may plummet. And that’s exactly what happens after the breakfast. The lieutenant is training them the formations again, and halfway through, Tenil’s fever starts rising again.

  After the lunch, the platoon is practicing with three others. Since her small figure drowns into the mass of recruits, the officers in charge of the training can’t see her. She uses the opportunity to perform lazily, just for the sake of her own health.

  Once it’s over and they’ve eaten the dinner, the platoon is ordered to bathe in the pond again. It’s not a reward of sort, but it’s a necessity. If they didn’t bathe at all, not only would they stink, but they’d also risk diseases. Tenil wants to bathe, but in front of the whole platoon? No go. She’ll wash her face and hands and that’s it.

  Once at the pool, the scene of young men in their birth suits makes her face go red—not at all. The ruthless environment has killed her girly side, and thus the view does nothing to excite her. She just walks to the bank, washes her hands and face, and goes back. She stinks like a corpse, but what can she do? She isn’t allowed to bathe at any other point. They don’t know she is a girl, after all.

  Once back at the barrack, Tenil skips the supper and goes straight to bed. Her fever has been stable for the past hours, but it’s rising now. She wants to rest as much as she can. A quarter of an hour later after lying down, she’s interrupted by the others as they come back. They complain about her stench, and even take it to the lieutenant.

  To her horror, the officer comes in, face red with rage. He yells at her for a moment until he seizes her by the hair. He drags her through the room, Tenil’s bottom cleaning the floor on the way. The others laugh as he takes her outside.

  “Don’t you damn imbecile know that bathing is necessary to avoid diseases!?”

  “B-but Sir—!”

  “Silence! You come with me, and you bathe in front of me!”

  Tenil tries to fight back, but the lieutenant isn’t an officer just for the show; he handles her protests with ease, thanks to his strong body. Tenil is dragged by the hair all the way to the pond, whereat she’s made to strip at once.

  “You bathe now, or you bleed and bathe now!”

  Tenil grinds her teeth as if she was in pain as she clenches her hem. Upon mustering all of her courage, she removes her top, her underdeveloped breasts not seen by the officer, for Tenil stands back facing him. She then strips her pants, covering her crotch with her hands.

  “Bathe you stinking idiot!”

  Still, the officer hasn’t seen her from the front, so he still thinks she is a boy. More like, how could she be a girl? It’s the kingdom’s army. No females are ever conscripted. But now, Tenil’s patience runs out. Her mother won’t come to save her, so she must save herself. She turns around, not hiding her body at all.

  “I AM A GIRL!”

  The lieutenant’s jaw drops, speechless. Even now, he can’t believe what he sees. How? Just how did she get in? Tenil turns around, falling to her knees, her legs M-shaped. She now hides her crotch with her hand, breasts with the other, crying. The tears flow with no end in sight.

  “Why!? Oh Lords, why!? Mooom! Daaad!” She manages to cry out, face red because of all the tears.

  The Lieutenant is stunned. He hasn’t dealt with a situation like that ever before. “By the King’s beard, what have we done?” Wondering what he should do, Forhil kneels. “I’m sorry.”

  Tenil turns her head around to see him, puzzled. “Huh?”

  “I’m sorry for not knowing! However, depending on how you’ve gotten into the kingdom’s army, you may be either compensated or punished. So tell me, how did you get here?”

  Tenil manages to answer his question while crying. “I... I was taken... by force. They thought I was a boy. Mom is in jail.”

  “I see. Bathe now. I’ll leave you alone. Come to my office once you’re done. And do it within an hour.”

  Sniffing, Tenil nods.

  ***

  Having bathed, Tenil goes to the lieutenant’s office in the barrack, which is underground. It’s late, so the whole regiment is sleeping already, officers excluded. She walks down stairs made of stone, a lamp hanging from the wooden ceiling. The basement isn’t deep, just beneath the ground level. If the recruits were awake, she could hear them talking through the wooden ceiling.

  There are six officers in charge of the barrack Tenil is appointed to, and respectively, there are six rooms with the doors shut. Ten units, 700 recruits, six officers, their regiment is the kingdom’s footmen corps. The two other regiments of Ivymn are the cavalry of 600 and the artillery of 700. Although it’s called artillery regiment, most of them are archers, the rest war machine operators.

  Tenil reads the tags on the doors. Knocking the wrong door is as good as waking up a beast, as the lieutenant is the only one aware of the truth. If she disturbed the captain, a heavy punishment would befall on her.

  Tro... Tron? Trohn! Tenil reads the first tag. That’s the staff sergeant. Gun... Gungar? She’s found the second lieutenant’s office. Fo... Forhl? Forhil! She knocks the door twice.

  “Enter.”

  Tenil opens the door carefully, bowing her head as she steps in. There is a bed on her left, an oil lamp hanging from the ceiling, and a desk in front of her. Forhil sits behind it. There is also a cabinet on her right.

  “Y-you told me to... come?”

  “Yes. First of all, I’m taking this case to the general. If wha
t you said about being mistaken for a boy, you’ll be free to go in no time, and your mother will be compensated for the economic damage caused. If you sneaked in, however, a punishment awaits. Can you tell me who mistook you for a boy?”

  “I-I don’t remember. Two knights, both were at least thirty years old. The other was a sergeant. It was Tuesday morning. The Sun had yet to rise. I was taken immediately here, Sir.”

  “I see. That might be enough. I’ll ask around and see who they were. They will be punished for conscripting a girl, most likely.”

  “Sir, may I ask something?”

  “Yes, what is it?”

  “You are very ruthless during training, but now you are... different. Why?”

  The lieutenant leans in. “I have a wife and a daughter. Savage I ain’t, you see.”

  “Oh.”

  “You may sleep in here for the night. I’ll sleep elsewhere. Tomorrow, you will be taken back home to your mother.”

  “Th-thank you! Thank you, Sir!”

  “Just remember; if you lied—”

  “I did not! You can ask my imprisoned mother about that!”

  “Good,” Forhil stands up, walking past Tenil and out of the office, stopping right outside. “And if someone comes in, show him the letter on the desk. Even the captain cannot argue back once he reads it.”

  Tenil nods, watching Forhil close the door. She is left alone in the lieutenant’s office with a warm bed. She has yet to recover from the fever, so now’s a good chance. She lies down, falling asleep in no time.

  ***

  Tenil wakes early in the morning due to her fever. For half an hour, she shivers there, doing nothing but fighting the illness, until the second lieutenant enters the room. Tenil tells him to read the note on the desk, and she is excused with it.

  Her heart is racing, for her freedom awaits. However, something is making her afraid, and the more she thinks about home, the worse it gets. Why? She’ll be free soon, so why is she afraid? Her mother will be free as well. It’s not her father that makes her feel so.

  By the time the lieutenant enters the room with the general’s dictum written on a parchment, Tenil has figured out the reason of her fear.

  “I found out who the two imbeciles were, and the general is personally punishing them. True to your words, you really were taken by force. The general has written his apology on this parchment. Read it fast. I have to resume the training very soon. Also, your ride back home is issued. You have two hours to go to the stables with the dictum, or you’ll have to walk back home. It’s wartime, so we can’t provide more than that. And of course, your mother will be compensated with the two knights’ week’s worth of pay. It’s a small sum, but like I said, it’s wartime.”

  Tenil shakes her head. “I don’t want to go.”

  Lieutenant Forhil is taken aback. “What?”

  “I thought about it hard. I’m scared of going back. I heard the rumors. The empire is winning already, although only a few days has it been since the war broke out. Mom is weak, so she won’t survive in a war-torn world. I have to protect her. I have to protect the weak. I...”

  “Have you lost your mind!? We don’t need you. A single girl won’t change the outcome.”

  “But still! I want to fight. Dad might be dead already, and that alone is enough to drive me on. Please, let me stay! Let me fight!”

  “You are too weak.”

  “I’ll train harder! Just let me rest until the fever is gone.”

  “Fever? You have a fever? Is that why you couldn’t perform well!?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “And despite that, you did your utmost best?”

  “Correct, Sir.”

  Lieutenant Forhil’s jaw drops for the second time because of Tenil. He hasn’t seen such spirit before. She is just a girl, and yet so strong? “Fine, I’ll ask the general. What he says will be final. If he does deny your knighthood, we can’t provide a ride back home, so you’ll have to walk. Are you sure you wish to stay?”

  “I am, Sir.”

  “You’ll be living with men, and you won’t be given any privacy. Do you still insist?”

  “Yes Sir! Just let me bathe after the nightfall when everyone is resting. I’m ready cut my sleep for the sake of bathing alone.”

  “If the general accepts your request, you cannot go back no matter how much you beg. Do you still insist?”

  “Yes Sir!”

  “Very well. I’ll come down here to tell you when you can go eat. I’ll forward the request after the dinner.”

  “Understood.”

  Chapter Three

  Chivalry

  Much later, Forhil returns and tells her she can go eat. He goes to meet with the general right after that, skipping his meal. Tenil is thankful for his efforts. No matter how she thinks about it, she just can’t go back. She has to protect the weak, her mother. The empire is winning as soon as the war has begun, and Tenil doesn’t want Phyr to lose. She needs to become stronger. She needs to become more than a weakling.

  She will tear the world apart if that’s what it takes. The empire has ruined her peaceful life, so there’s nothing to go back to, even if she did quit the army now. Wrath is boiling within her heart, mixed with the protective urge.

  The fever is getting better, but the food is bad as ever. There is some fish served today, and it’s anything but delicious. Tenil forces it down her throat, not throwing it up. She is still hot from the illness, but despite it, she feels energetic. She wants to get well soon to join the others on the harsh training. Not because she’s a masochist, but because she wants to become stronger.

  Upon finishing her meal, Tenil returns to the lieutenant’s office. She waits there until he comes back with the general’s dictum. Will the kingdom’s levy accept a girl? She’s partly excited, partly scared, for she will see the battlefield sooner or later. She lies down on Forhil’s bed in the meantime.

  The door opens about an hour later, Lieutenant Forhil entering the office. “Good news, girl. You’re now officially the first female knight in training. I hope you won’t regret your choice.”

  Tenil stands up from the bed. “I will not, Sir!”

  “Good answer. Can you tell when you will get better?”

  “Tomorrow morning, hopefully, Sir.”

  “Splendid. If you are feeling well next morning, join the platoon in the courtyard. Sparring in the morning, defensive battle formations in the afternoon. Got it?”

  “Yes Sir!”

  “And also, the general accepted your request for permission to bathe after nightfall. However, you must be back in the barrack before midnight, am I clear?”

  “Yes Sir!”

  “Perfect!”

  Tenil returns to the unit’s resting chamber. Her blanket hasn’t been returned, as Oreon still has it. He really intends to keep it for himself, thinking Tenil won’t lift a finger to fight back. In that regard, he is wrong. She snatches the blanket from him as he’s preparing to go sleep, taking it to her own bed.

  “What the...!? Oi, give it back!” Oreon demands.

  Tenil ignores him, wrapping the blanket around her body. She taunts him to take it back by acting so.

  Oreon stands up from his bed, pissed off. The others around him are thrilled to see what happens to Tenil this time. Tenil sits down on her bed, still ignoring Oreon as he walks over. Once beside her bed, he slaps her.

  “Give. Me. The. Blanket.”

  “Fuck off,” Tenil responds, looking at his face.

  Oreon seizes her, trying to take the blanket by force. He even hits her again. “Crybabies should just die!”

  “Stop it!” Tenil yells, knowing that the floor isn’t soundproof.

  “Shut up!” Oreon steals the blanket from her with force. “Mine now, dimwit.”

  The others are laughing on the background.

  As soon as Oreon lies down with his two blankets, the lieutenant barges in, furiously yelling, “Who the hell is causing such a ruckus!?”

 
; Rikyl, the one whom Tenil hit during the training, stands up. “Sir, it was Tenil.”

  “I bloody know she was the other party, but what about the other!?”

  The chamber is silent, stunned by Forhil’s choice of words. Did he stutter? Or was it intentional?

  “If you bastards won’t tell me, then I’ll make the whole platoon stand watch on the wall for the night! Now, on with it! Who was it!?”

  A silent young lad stands up. “It was Oreon, Sir.”

  “He stole my blanket,” Tenil fills in.

  “I didn’t!” Oreon retorts.

  “Shut up, you animal!” Forhil hits Oreon right in the face, blood spilling from his nose. “Stand up, recruit!” He hits him again as soon as he stands up.

  “S-Sir?” Oreon stutters.

  “You’re lucky I won’t sue you for sexual harassment! If I hear any of you touching her outside of training, I will gut you! She is the first girl in the kingdom’s army, and you will respect that! Liked it or not! Now, good night, lads and lass!”

  The whole place is silent, everyone staring at Tenil who is sticking out her tongue at Oreon, whose face is bloody.

  “I’ll kill you...!” Oreon declares.

  Tenil ignores the threat, lying down with the blanket to warm her for the night. Never before has she felt so happy in the kingdom’s army. It’ll be rough from tomorrow onwards, but she’ll get a chance to change the tide, if nothing else. Her mother is her everything, and she’ll do anything to protect her. The weak must be protected! Tenil makes up her mind.

  ***

  Tomorrow morning, the platoon is sparring as stated. They’re in the courtyard, the first light of the day yet to reach them due to the walls. Tenil’s fever is gone, or at least she feels well, and thus she is participating.

  Her opponent attacks, Tenil sidesteps, and the wooden blade is brought down at the other recruit’s back. She’s successfully dodged the strike and countered. The other party is dumbfounded.

  “Let me spar her.” Rikyl pushes the other recruit aside.

  Tenil takes a stance, holding the wooden sword with both hands. Rikyl does the same, and they both stand still in silence for a moment. Tenil doesn’t seize the initiative, but Rikyl does. He steps in, striking swiftly. Tenil parries and charges at him with shoulder-first. The first round is Tenil’s victory, for Rikyl gets knocked to the ground, the wooden blade at his throat.