A Secret Courage

by Tricia Goyer

  “Until when?” She noticed again that his eyes were the most welcoming blue, like an Atlantic tide pool just before dusk.

  “Until that day in the bookstore. I saw you, Emma, and something told me that I needed to get to know you.”

  “And so you pretended to be interested in the same book as me?”

  He chuckled. “It worked, didn’t it?”

  Emma felt heat rising to her cheeks. “Yes, I suppose it did.” She swallowed down the emotion building within. Emotion that told her this was real. Emotion that told her this day would be an important step into her future.

  “Well, what does your friend Ruth think of me coming? Does she know how I care for you?”

  “She doesn’t know that, but I don’t think she’ll be surprised. I told her how much you mean to me. And you’re the first girl I’ve brought to meet her.”

  Emma’s curiosity was piqued. Obviously Will considered this day to be meaningful too. “And what will she think about that?”

  “She’ll think I brought in another person for her to love. You see, I must explain. She is a caring person, and she will treat you like the queen herself from the moment she meets you. That’s why I brought the children home to her. I couldn’t think of a better place.”

  “Funny, I used to bring frogs and garter snakes home.” Emma chuckled.

  “Children are much more adorable. And beautiful women too.”

  “I can tell you’re quite taken with those little ones.”

  “Yes, Charles and Eliza—I can’t help it. They are dear. And, of course, Sophie and Victoria. I knew Lisel in London. When I returned home after my injury, she was trying to raise two kids on her own after her husband’s betrayal. Just recently…well, I won’t go into the details, but they lost her too. And the truth is, the kids helped me as much as I’ve helped them.”

  “In what way?”

  “They have given me the childhood I never had.”

  She sat quietly, waiting for him to continue.

  “My father died when I was just a nipper. For a time we lived with Ruth. Then my mother and I lived on our own,” he continued. “I grew up quickly. I supported her for many years. I studied and taught.” He paused, seeming to get lost for a moment in the memories. “And later after I was hurt, I went back to stay with Ruth for a time.”

  “I’m looking forward to meeting them all. I hope the children like me. I hope Ruth does too.”

  “How could they not? What’s not to adore about you? It’s a question I keep asking myself.”

  Heat radiated through Emma’s limbs until she was sure she was going to burn from the inside out. It was a new feeling—but one she wasn’t sure about.

  Emma had read a lot over the years—even a few lovely romance stories. She’d talked with her friends. They’d tried to explain the feeling of attraction before and all the emotions wrapped up in it, but it wasn’t until this moment that Emma discovered they’d all done a poor job describing things. The excitement that balled in her stomach was more intense than any explanation she’d received thus far…and far more wonderful too.

  It didn’t take long for them to drive to Ruth’s house. It was a small cottage set back from the road like so many they’d passed. As Will parked and turned off the car engine, he lowered his voice. “The children and I have a little game. I pretend that I wasn’t able to bring a chocolate bar this time, and they search my coat pockets until they find it.”

  Emma’s mouth watered. “You have chocolate?”

  “I was able to acquire a bar.”

  “I won’t ask how. But…” Emma placed her hand on the door handle. “What happens when you won’t be able find any?”

  “That won’t happen.”

  “What do you mean it won’t happen? It’s hard to come by such things in London these days. There may come the day…”

  “As long as I’m coming, I will find a way to bring chocolate.”

  Emma smiled and took note of his confidence. That was yet another thing she appreciated about Will. Yet another thing to write home about.

  Will opened Emma’s door for her, and together they walked toward the cottage. She stepped through the gate, gazing up at the small brick house. There was a coolness to the air today. Emma wrapped her arms around herself, partly from nervousness and partly from chill. The air smelled of flowers, and she saw a variety of colorful blooms in a small garden near the front porch.

  Ivy vines climbing the brick gave the home charm, hiding its age. It looked like so many that dotted the countryside, but this one seemed special. Perhaps it was due to the smile that filled Will’s face as he glanced at it.

  He’d barely shut the gate when the front door of the cottage burst open. Two children spilled out of the doorway. Both had dark hair and round faces with large, dark eyes. They peered up at Will adoringly.

  “Uncle Will! Uncle Will!” they called. “Where is our chocolate?” Each of them reached into one of his coat pockets, and the little girl squealed when she pulled out a large chocolate bar, triumphant.

  Will bent down, wincing slightly as the little girl attempted to jump into his left arm. He adjusted himself to sweep her up with his right one. “How are my favorite six-year-old and four-year-old? My, have you grown. Aunt Ruth must be feeding you well.” He returned the little girl’s feet to the ground and placed a hand on each of the children’s shoulders. “Speaking of food, does Auntie have lunch ready? Today I’ve brought a guest.” Will tilted his head to Emma, and the boy and girl gazed at her curiously, for the first time realizing she was there. They scooted closer to Will, tucking their bodies behind his legs.

  “Emma, this charming young man is Charles, and this little beauty is Eliza. Go ahead, say hello to Miss Emma,” he urged.

  Emma hunkered down in front of him, making her eyes level with theirs. She peeked around Will’s legs. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard many wonderful things.”

  “You talk funny,” Charles, the older of the two, commented as he stepped out from his hiding place.

  “That is because Emma is from the States. She’s come all the way to work hard deciphering photos taken of the bad guys.”

  Emma looked up at Will, and then she stood. Her eyebrows furrowed. How did he know? Had she let it slip? Then she pushed those worries out of her mind. It was well known that the Allied Central Interpretation Unit was stationed around Medmenham. Everyone in the village knew that. She assumed Will had just made an educated guess about her work.

  “Or something like that…whatever her job is,” he corrected. “There are many wonderful things women are accomplishing in this war.”

  “Do you fight Germans?” Eliza asked, peeking around Will’s legs and looking up at her.

  She grinned at the children. “In a way, yes, I suppose I do.”

  “Then you’re my favorite person,” Charles announced. “Well, accept for Will. He fights the Germans too. Don’t you, Uncle Will?”

  If she wasn’t mistaken, Emma noted heat rising to Will’s cheeks. Was this hard for him, having the children believe he was fighting? What would they think if they understood his real work?

  “We all fight the Germans in our own way.” Will rose and took Emma’s hand, leading her inside. “Many hands working together will bring victory.” The children trailed behind.

  As it did earlier, Emma’s hand tingled with his touch.

  “Even Aunt Ruth is doing her part…caring for special treasures of the crown.” Will reached back and tussled Charles’s hair with his left hand, and then he led the way into the house. “And remember,” Will told Eliza, “the chocolate is for you to share. Give it to your aunt for her to put up. I’m sure she’ll help you share it equally after I leave.”

  Eliza’s face fell slightly, and then she nodded and hurried inside.

  “Ruth!” Will called as he followed the young girl’s steps. “I have someone I want you to meet.” The cottage was small but clean. The aroma of fresh bread, coffee, and sausages greeted them
. Shafts of warm sunlight lit a worn sofa, two chairs, and a large cabinet radio. A braided rag rug covered the floor in front of the sofa.

  He squeezed Emma’s hand as an older woman rounded the corner from the kitchen into the living room.

  Ruth wiped her hands on her apron as she hurried to greet them. “Who do we have here?”

  “Someone whom I believe you’ll adore as much as I do.”

  “Vell, look who has come!” Ruth paused and placed her hand on her cheek. “My, isn’t she a pretty thing, ja?”

  Before Emma realized what was happening, Ruth swept her up in an embrace. The woman smelled of onions and freshly washed clothes. She gave Emma a quick kiss on the cheek and then pulled away.

  “Tell me your name. Pretty but too thin.”

  “My name is Emma. Emma Hanson.”

  “From America?” The woman’s German accent was clear.

  Emma forced a smile. How hard it must be to be German in England in times such as these. Emma knew that starting in 1939, all potential enemy aliens in Britain went before special tribunals to determine if they were security risks, even if they’d lived in Britain for decades. Of course, someone as sweet and motherly as Ruth must have been considered no risk at all.

  The woman then turned to Will.

  “Vilhelm, look at you. You have color on your face and meat on your bones. Your mother will be happy to hear that, ja?”

  Then she nodded toward the young girls sitting on a sofa. “The kinder are timid, ja? They are still in shock it seems, but they are warming up. They miss their mutter so.”

  Emma’s heart quickened, and her fingers tightened around Will’s hand. Will had told her his family had come from Germany, but it was easy to forget. After all, he was as English as any man she’d met. But suddenly the reality of that came into focus.

  How did he feel in this war? Truly feel? Did he ever feel conflicted? She chided herself for not thinking about this more. He wasn’t only Will, he was Wilhelm. Did Edward know that? Would he have let Will paint inside the gardens of Danesfield House if he had?

  Ruth moved to the open kitchen and motioned them to follow her. “I hope you are hungry. I cooked the last of the wurst, and Eliza helped me to make bread.”

  Will followed. “We just ate breakfast, but I would never turn down wurst.” Then he paused and turned to Emma. “Emma, would you like to eat?” His eyes scanned her face, and his gaze held a hint of both worry and vulnerability, and suddenly she understood. This was a test. He’s brought me here to see how I react. He wants me to understand him better—to truly know where he’s come from.

  She placed a hand over her stomach, willing it to stop quivering, and in that moment she knew how he felt. Her mother had moved from England to America. His had moved from Germany to England. They were both brave women who had to leave behind what they knew to forge a new life. If she loved Will, she also loved Wilhelm, and she wanted him to know that.

  Emma sucked in a deep breath and then blew it out again. Then she forced a smile. “You know what? I’m not very hungry, but I’d like to try a taste. It smells wonderful. I used to have a neighbor who made wurst. She was from Germany too.”

  With those words his face brightened like the sun breaking through the clouds. He nodded and then turned around and approached the two girls, kneeling before them. “Sophie, do you remember me?” Will addressed the older girl first. Turning to the littler one, he said gently, “Hello, Victoria. I came to see how you were doing. Are you hungry?”

  Sophie nodded, but Victoria’s lower lip trembled. She gazed up at Will, and her eyes grew wide. Tears filled them.

  She knows. She remembers that Will knew her mother.

  Emma approached, and without hesitation she opened her arms to the young girl. Victoria reached out her arms and allowed Emma to pick her up. She wrapped her arms around Emma’s neck and her legs around her waist, resting her head on Emma’s shoulder.

  Emma stroked the girl’s hair as a mumbled cry emerged. Emma eased herself onto the sofa. “Why don’t the rest of you go ahead and eat?”

  Will nodded, and then he stretched out his hand to Sophie. Emma watched as they retreated into the kitchen. The young girl in her arms was silent now, but her shoulders still trembled.

  Emma tried to imagine being her age and losing her mother. Pain filled her chest, and she clung to the girl tighter. Dear God, please be with this little one. She doesn’t deserve this pain, living in a world of loss and destruction.

  Yet even as the prayers filled her mind, pictures also flashed through her thoughts. Images of what she’d witnessed over the last week in the black-and-white covers. Operation Gomorrah, it was called, and she wondered if it was because of the firestorm that followed the Allied bombing. The target had been Hamburg’s shipyards, U-boat pens, and oil refineries, but it didn’t stop there. From what she’d witnessed, most of the city had been destroyed. A city filled with men, women, and children. Fires had ravaged the crumbled buildings. Tears had filled her eyes as she’d categorized and evaluated the destruction. It would have been a miracle if anyone survived.

  One photo in particular had taken her breath away and caused a knot to grow in her gut. The warm weather on that day had caused superheated air, which created a tornado of fire. Together she and Georgette had calculated it had been a 1,500-foot-high tornado of fire—something no one expected or had ever seen. Days after that, she’d had nightmares. But now, being in this home with Ruth and these children made it even more real. If they had still been in Germany, that could have been them.

  Yes, this was a war. And yes, she still believed in doing her part to end this war, to end this madness, but she couldn’t escape the fact that her work had caused innocent children just like Victoria to suffer.

  And almost as if Victoria’s pain seeped through her thin cotton dress into Emma’s heart, Emma thought of Samuel. Children weren’t supposed to lose their mothers, and young women weren’t supposed to lose their only brothers either.

  This is not how life if supposed to be, is it, God? The pain, the heartache, the death and destruction? The worst part was that Emma tried to carry the burden of it all alone. She worked as hard as she could to bring an end to this war, but what would happen if she sought God’s help with that work? She was having a hard time seeing God’s hand in it all, and she questioned what he was doing to stop the madness.

  She remembered a sermon she’d heard once. The pastor said that as humans we want our free will, but we also want God to fix all our problems, and it was impossible to have it both ways.

  When men and women fight each other and hurt each other, why are we so quick to blame you, God?

  When Emma couldn’t make sense of the ache inside, she found it easier to push God to the side and forget about him.

  Yet God hadn’t forgotten her. He’d given her favor in her work. He’d brought her friends. And he’d brought her Will.

  Also, in this moment he allowed her to share her lap with someone who was hurting just as she was. And somehow in their shared embrace, they were both finding a measure of healing.

  Emma breathed in the scent of the young girl’s freshly washed hair and then leaned down close so her mouth was near Victoria’s ear.

  “Do you know what I think? I think your mama asked Jesus to watch over you and to bring good people who would. And I think he has. It seems like you’re in a very good and safe place now, where people will take care of you and your sister. I know that your mama loved you very much.”

  The girl’s head made the slightest movement, as if in a nod, and her shoulders soon stopped their quavering.

  “And I know how you feel, at least a little bit. I lost my brother. I loved him very much. I have hopes that I will see him in heaven someday. I’m also thankful for all the memories. And do you want to hear something funny?”

  Victoria leaned back so she could look into Emma’s face. Although the young girl didn’t respond, she looked up at Emma with large, hazel eyes.


  “When my brother, Samuel, was about your age, he got the chicken pox. Do you know what that is? It’s when you get sick and get bumps all over your body.” The smallest smile touched Emma’s lips as a picture of four-year-old Samuel filled her mind. “And guess what he did—he was home in bed and completely bored, so he got a pen and he connected the dots. His body looked like a puzzle with all the pieces connected. Can you imagine how silly that looked?”

  Quiet laughter spilled from Victoria’s lips. And then Emma heard a throat clearing. She looked up and realized Will was watching them. He had a sweet smile on his lips, but then he shook his head. “You’re not giving her ideas, are you?”

  Emma gasped, balled a fist, and then placed it on her hip. “Who, me?” She chuckled and Victoria did too. Then Victoria’s stomach rumbled.

  “Did you hear that?” Emma stood, lifting Victoria to her hip. “The sleeping dragon in your tummy has woken up, and it wants to be fed. Let’s go get some wurst.” She hurried to the kitchen to find the other children around the table eating. They must have overheard the comment about the sleeping dragon, for they were smiling too. But when Emma looked to Ruth, the warmth that had spread through her chest turned cold. For instead of a smile, Ruth was looking at her with a frown. The woman rose and moved to the stove to scoop up food onto a plate.

  “Really, Emma, if you come over you have to make sure not to coddle the girl,” Ruth said just loud enough for Emma to hear. “Do you think I have all day to just sit around and speak about fanciful things. Ne, there is a real war out there, and we must each pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and do our part.” Ruth thrust a small plate of food in Emma’s direction and then pointed to the table.

  Emma nodded, but she was shocked by the woman’s words. She turned to move toward the table and noticed Will was gone.

  Ruth must have noticed Emma’s surprise. “Vilhelm’s probably gone to his boot to bring supplies. He’s a good man. He brings food for the children.” A smile replaced Ruth’s frown, as if the woman’s reprimand had never happened. “I’m not sure what we’d do without him.”