French Fried: one man's move to France with too many animals and an identity thief
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With hindsight this was classic con-artistry – we were put on the spot, no time to think, house purchase at risk – and he made it look as though he was doing us a favour.
But had it been fraud?
All the money had been accounted for at the completion of the sale. We’d sent a cheque over for the full house price minus the deposit. So what would he have gained other than the use of our deposit for a few months?
Perhaps that was all he needed? The classic fall from prosperity into fraud. I just need a few thousand to tide me over until next month – and then next month arrives and you need a bit more and before you know it you’re up to your armpits in clients’ money.
And we weren’t the only clients.
An English couple were having their holiday home renovated by him. They sat at home in England writing cheque after cheque as David regaled them with stories of unexpected problems – planning delays, architect’s fees, consultant’s expenses. David cashed the cheques and, needless to say, nothing was done to the house.
Estate agents didn’t fare any better. While I was checking up on the legality of our house purchase, I phoned the agency in England who’d introduced us to David Jarvis and had shared the commission.
Not as big a share as they’d expected.
“Of course, the dispute over the wood didn’t help,” they told me.
“What?”
“The wood. That’s why the payment was delayed, wasn’t it?”
Our house sale had apparently been delayed by a mythical wood dispute. A dispute that became so entangled that the value of the property plummeted as the months dragged on.
Builders were not immune either. He had several working on renovation projects that lasted longer than his cheque book. They complained, he talked, they believed. This was a very plausible individual.
Even when a creditors meeting was called, an assessor appointed, iron mask beckoning in the corner ... he walked out on stage, took a file from his briefcase and ... oh dear, silly me, I’ve brought the wrong file. Creditors meeting adjourned. Everyone goes home, much arm-flapping and grinding of spittle.
As for the mysterious female accomplice, the police never found one. David Jarvis said he did it all himself. Which, in hindsight, makes sense – if he’d had a female accomplice he would have taken her to the bank as soon as Mutual Friendly insisted on the account being in joint names. Which was probably why he tried The Bankers Power of Attorney Ploy – to convince Mutual Friendly that Shelagh would have access to the money without having a woman go to the bank in person.
oOo
In July 1996, David’s plausibility finally deserted him. He was convicted of fraud and escorted to Toulouse prison.
By now, he’s probably governor.
Glossary
B&Q – a British DIY retailer. (return)
Deed Poll – the process used in the UK to change a person’s name. (return)
Euskadi – the Basque language. (return)
Heath Robinson – an English cartoonist famous for drawings of eccentric machines. Now used as a description of any unnecessarily complex and implausible contraption. (return)
I-Spy Books – Spotters’ guides published for children. Each book covered a topic and awarded points for each object spotted. (return)
Meccano – a model construction set. Also known as an erector set. (return)
MFI – a British furniture retailer. (return)
Ricard – an aniseed liqueur also known as Pernod or pastis. (return)
Snowpake – a white correction fluid used to cover typing mistakes. (return)
Sooty – a glove puppet bear who had his own TV show. He could only communicate by whispering into the ear of his operator, Harry Corbett. (return)
Unsub – FBI-speak for the ‘unknown subject’ they are searching for (return)
Vera Lynn – the forces’ sweetheart from WWII whose most famous song was ‘The White Cliffs of Dover.’ (return)
Other Books by Chris Dolley
What Ho, Automaton! - $2.99 from Amazon US or Amazon UK
Wodehouse Steampunk! Reggie Worcester and Reeves, his gentleman’s personal gentle-automaton, are consulting detectives in an alternative 1903 where an augmented Queen Victoria is still on the throne and automata are a common sight below stairs. Humour, Mystery, Zeppelins and Aunts!
Resonance - $2.99 from Amazon US or Amazon UK
Graham Smith is a 33 year old office messenger. To the outside world he’s an obsessive compulsive mute - weird but harmless. But to Graham Smith, it’s the world that’s weird. And far from harmless. He sees things other can’t...or won’t. He knows that roads can change course, people disappear, office blocks migrate across town - all at night when no one’s looking.
Only by following a rigid routine can he lessen these effects. If he walks the same route to work every morning and catches the same train, and keeps himself to himself, then there’s a good chance his house will still be where he left it when he returns home in the evening.
Annalise Mercado hears voices. Sometimes she thinks they're spirit guides, sometimes she thinks she’s crazy. But then they start telling her about Graham Smith, the danger he’s in and how only she can save him. So begins the story of two people whose lives appear fragmented across alternate realities. And how, together, they hold the key to the future of a billion planets...
“Resonance is a tremendously accomplished book ... and immediately raises Dolley into the ranks of writers to watch. It’s a head-over-heels romp through ever-changing realities, crammed with great set-pieces, excellent hooks and some nice one-liners.” - Keith Brooke, Infinity Plus
“This is one of the most original new science fiction books I have ever read. In fact, as an inspired new take on a familiar SF idea it’s original enough to stand comparison with “The Time Traveler’s Wife” or “Memoirs of an Invisible Man.” If it is as big a hit as it deserves, it may well be this book which becomes the standard by which SF stories about ... are judged.” - Marshall Lord
“I have read a lot of science fiction and have gone through tons of plots, so when I find one that is unique I certainly take notice. Resonance is one of those books that have it all. Interesting plot with plenty of mysteries and twists, characters you care about, and solid writing that strings it all together.” - Jeffrey Miller
Shift - $3.99 from Amazon US or Amazon UK
A near future SF mystery thriller with a touch of out-of-body horror.
“Shift is an exciting and shocking futuristic thriller. The characters are original, and the imagery pulls you in. Incorporating heart-pounding suspense and an inventive twist of science fiction, I enjoyed this story even more than Dolley’s Resonance.” - SciFiChick
International Kittens of Mystery - $2.99 from Amazon US or Amazon UK
Fun picture book of kittens saving the planet.
“Cat pictures! Silly jokes! Adventures! Exclamation points! This book constitutes the best-spent twenty minutes I’ve had in quite some time.” - What Book is That
“Hilarious! I can’t wait to show this book to my sons. I know it will remain a source of fun for us for years to come.” - The True Book Addict
Magical Crimes - $0.99 from Amazon US or Amazon UK
Magical Crimes is a fun CSI with magic and a ‘little something else’ novelette. The little something else being two foot long and lurking in the hero’s trousers. But don’t worry, the boinkwurst in this story is used purely for the purpose God intended - humour and crimefighting - not lustful titillation.
Medium Dead (coming June, 2011) $3.99
A fun contemporary fantasy mystery novel. Stephanie Plum with magic and a touch of Carl Hiaasen.
An Unsafe Pair Of Hands (coming July, 2011) $3.99
A quirky mystery novel with a detective on the edge, a baffling murder, and a chicken on the run.
Table of Contents
French Fried
Table of Contents
The Move: Hell and Horseboxes
The First Day, House Hunting and Toilets
Cars, Cartes and Campagne
Logs, Language, Fires and Flues
Pipes and Plombiers
Animals Behaving Typically
Three Fêtes and a Football Match
Crime and Poetry
Pergonini MD
Fraud and Warp Coils
Passports and Wandering Irish Con-Men
Mincemeat Men
Headers and Handwriting
Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Missing Toilet
Sherlock Holmes’ Darker Brother-In-Law
The Day of the Gendarmes
Supermarkets, Faxes and the Irish Connection
Women and Passports
The Screaming Detective of Castlenau
Three Slim Blond Men
A Switch of Fate
A Plausible Epilogue
Glossary
Other Books by Chris Dolley