French Letters

by Jonathan Miller

  The French are good company but do they really have liberty, equality and fraternity? Not a lot of the first two although in la France profonde, (rural France) where they still look you in the eye and say good day as if they mean it, maybe still some of the third.

  LIBERTINAGE

  Promiscuity

  On the outskirts of many French cities (and even some smaller towns and villages), are not necessarily immediately attractive establishments proclaiming themselves to be a Club échangiste (sex-partner swapping club) or Sauna coed mixte (mixed sauna). There is one in the next village, next to a truck stop and a car-body repair shop. I have not been there so cannot offer a first-hand report. In any case, apparently the form is to patronise a sex club far from home, to avoid running into neighbours. I am told that these sex clubs are not at all the same as the mega-brothels you see when you cross the border from France into Spain, or from Germany into Poland for that matter. Libertinage is about sexual liberation and partner swapping, not necessarily prostitution at all, although there may be professionals in the clientele. These establishments operate with apparent official tolerance and one supposes they pay their social charges and the attendants work no more than 35 hours per week. Because there are of course no reliable data, it is hard to say how many swingers there are in France but they evidently include some high in society, judging from the orgies organised to entertain Dominique Strauss-Kahn. That the French are any more libertine than anyone else may be questioned but those who practise it are increasingly open about it.

  LIVRET A

  Under-performing investment

  A financial instrument little better than putting your money under the mattress, this is the flagship financial instrument in France. Paying in 2015 just 0.75 per cent interest, free of tax, the Livret A sold by all banks and financial institutions is by far the most popular savings vehicle for French families of modest means. French households have invested more than 260 billion euros in the Livret A. In theory, the deposits of the Livret A are supposed to finance social housing, although it is not clear that social housing greatly needs or benefits from Livret A, and there is criticism that it distorts French savings by diverting money from where it is needed (private investments, higher risks, consumption) to where it is not (social housing, which would have no trouble borrowing money on the markets).

  LOI TOUBON

  The war on Anglicisms

  A 1994 law sponsored by Jacques Toubon (a literal translation of his name is ‘all good’) mandating that French must be used in all government publications, contracts, schools and advertising. Widely ignored in French academia where innumerable papers are published in English. In advertising, any use of an English word or phrase must be accompanied by a translation, hence McDonald’s ‘I’m lovin’ it’ was translated as, c’est tout ce que j’aime (it’s everything I love). Avis car rental accompanies its slogan ‘unlock the world’ with the not exactly similar offrez-vous le monde (offer yourself the world). Of course there is a regulatory authority to ensure conformity and the Autorité de régulation professionnelle de la publicité (advertising standards regulator) has been active, cracking down on such terms as ‘eyewear,’ ‘make believe’ and ‘must have.’ An unintended consequence is that international contracts are invariably executed outside France - a boost for London law firms.

  LONDRES

  Fifth or sixth French city in Europe

  A city on the river Tamise (French pronunciation of Thames). Destination number one for French exiles, now and for hundreds of years. Many great French writers hid out in London to avoid difficulties with French censorship and oppression including Victor Hugo, Voltaire and Émile Zola. Enterprising Huguenots fleeing France helped make London into a financial powerhouse (and deprived France of much of its mercantile class). Later, London was to become the base of General de Gaulle and the Free French. The opening of the Tunnel sous la Manche (Channel Tunnel) in 1994 and the stagnant economy in France seems to have kicked off a much larger and more sustained northward migration. It is hard to be absolutely sure but there may be 400,000 French people living in London with at least 500 more arriving every week. Boris Johnson, the mayor of London, boasted in 2015 that he had more French constituents than the mayor of Bordeaux but this seems a highly conservative estimate. It is true there is also a vast number of British people in France: the British retire to France, the French go to England to seek work they can’t find in France.

  In 2007, Hamid Senni, a young Frenchman of north African extraction wrote a moving book, De la cité a la City, 2007 (From the Ghetto to the City of London), describing his own move to London, provoking widespread commentary in France. Senni tells of the constant discouragement he encountered in France where he was unable to obtain more than precarious employment and was the victim of constant discrimination, to his experience in London, where he immediately found employment and was judged on his ability, not his background. Perhaps this was a little rose-tinted but the book provoked vocal agreement from contemporaries describing their similar experiences.

  The modern French exile community is having a strong and positive social influence on London and is so numerous as to have spilled out of their traditional south Kensington ghetto, to invade Fulham, Battersea and Clapham with Tufnell Park and Islington in North London rapidly being colonised. The cultural influence of the French has always been strong in London but never so ubiquitous. On the South Bank of the Thames there are classic Citroën HV ‘tube’ vans converted into food trucks. The Lycée Français Charles de Gaulle in South Kensington is bursting, the network of French feeder schools in London is expanding rapidly, and the French community is soon to open a second lycée in Brent, north London, the Lycée Winston Churchill. London has a French-language radio station, numerous French magazines and websites. The French in London deserve more political representation in the French national assembly. In population terms, they should be entitled to 8-10 seats, but have only one, which they share with French expatriates elsewhere in Europe.

  LOTISSEMENTS

  Grotesque outskirts of French villages

  The traditional French village is one of the world’s most exquisite forms of settlement, yet for the past half century, the French have seemed determined to achieve another superlative by building some of the world’s most hideous. They appear to have been inspired by the American subdivision, memorialised by Pete Seeger in the song Little Boxes: ‘Little boxes made of ticky tacky… There’s a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one and they all look just the same.’ These sprawling sub-divisions, called lotissements, are constructed out breeze blocks and each dwelling is surrounded by a wall made of the same material. Often these walls are left unfinished, sometimes they are sprayed with a monocouche (render), typically in garish colours unknown to nature. Lotissements have no centre, no marketplace, no dwellings crafted from local stone with roofs of clay tiles or slate. They are, above all, cheap and can be built with semi-skilled labour. In my village, a modest amount will buy one. For a country that prides itself on its culture and aesthetics, the lotissements are monuments to the greed of developers and the indifference of planners to the nation’s heritage. Meanwhile, many of the traditional village houses are crumbling because it costs more to restore them than to buy a new house in a lotissement.

  LUNDI

  A day of rest

  Monday was the last day of the weekend in much of France even before the 35-hour week was imposed. Many banks and restaurants are closed.

  M

  MACARON

  Mythic French gâteau

  In English, a macaroon. Iconic French circular cake composed of almond base filled with ganache, buttercream or jam. Paris macaron specialist, Pâtisserie Ladurée, adored by tourists, has leveraged the little cake (which it cheekily claims to have invented) into an international network of shops and in recent years macarons have become a phenomenon. My friends in Lorraine say Ladurée is a con; the treat was invented in Nancy long before the Parisian upstart claimed
credit for it. And far from being an intimate family business, it is part of the giant conglomerate that also owns the global chain of Paul bread shops (see pain).

  MACRON, EMMANUEL

  Banker coopted as minister

  Rich politician, former member of socialist party, now independent who in 2014 threw in his lot with the government of Prime Minister Manuel Valls. The Minister for the Economy and a former Rothschild banker, Macron is regarded as the most reformist minister France has seen in a while but is a member of a government so weak that he will not be allowed to upset too many of the social partners and clients who President François Hollande wants to keep quiet. His reforms seem more theatrical than efficacious. ‘Cinema,’ snorted one lawyer when I asked what he thought of the supposed reforms.

  Hollande declared early in his mandate that he dislikes the rich (Je n’aime pas les riches), and Macron is rich. There is a suspicion that Macron exists mainly as window dressing - a man with a decent suit who can talk to any foreign investors who might turn up. Macron is also probably not greatly loved by his boss, Prime Minister Manuel Valls. Although both are reformers, they are putative rivals. Macron famously declared that economically ‘France is sick’ and deplored a culture of ‘mistrust, complexity and corporatism’ as ‘three diseases’ throttling the economy. A fair enough analysis. He wants to lift restrictions on Sunday trading, open intercity-bus transport to competition and sweep away protections for professionals in the health and legal sectors. Good luck to him.

  MAGISTRATS

  Legal and political officials

  Not to be confused with English magistrates. The amazingly convoluted French system of justice is one in which lots of people have a claim to be magistrate. Mayors are technically the premier magistrats of their communes. Some magistrates in France are akin to prosecutors while all judges are also automatically magistrates. A juge d’instruction is a magistrate (like Judge Roban, in Engrenages) directing a criminal investigation at the request of prosecutors or civil parties. There are several highly politicised magistrates and it is routine that former presidents who have absolute immunity in office are pursued into retirement with cases that sometimes seem to involve actual corruption but seem more like political vendettas. Former president Nicolas Sarkozy proposed suppressing the post of juge d’instruction but without success and has been hounded by them ever since he left office. See Mur des Cons.

  MAIER, CORINNE

  Zen in business

  Author of Bonjour Paresse (Hello Laziness, 2004), titled in homage to Françoise Sagan’s Bonjour Tristesse (Hello Sadness, 1954). Hilarious best-selling survival guide to employment in a giant French corporation, translated into 25 languages. Maier was a middle manager at Électricité de France before committing corporate suicide with her tract. She skewers its corporate culture, ridiculing the gibberish of its internal communications, exposing the idiocy of her bosses and explaining how it is possible to thrive in a corporate environment while doing absolutely nothing of value. She asserts that what you do is pointless as you can be replaced from one day to the next by any cretin and that you are not judged on merit but whether you look and sound the part. Never accept operational roles but make a beeline for research, strategy and business development where it is impossible to assess your contribution to the company, she advises. The only people who do any work are those on short-term contracts so be nice to them, she says. Includes a magnificent guide translating the American-English business speak of the corporation into French, e.g. ‘downsizing’ - vous virez des gens (fire people). She would undoubtedly still be there but her book embarrassed EDF, which finally fired her. Maier is a true situationiste (anarcho-Marxist), even starting her book with a quote from Guy Debord: ‘Ne travaillez jamais’ (never work). I read this book when it was published and re-read it recently and it is spot-on. She is currently a self-employed psychotherapist and will be my first choice should I find myself in need of ludic analysis.

  MAIRE, LE

  GATEWAY TO HIGHER OFFICE

  Being a mayor in France can be a thankless task of endless work for little remuneration, but can also be the stepping stone to further and more lucrative political offices. A politician can use the visibility and prestige of office to seek election to the Regional Council, the National Assembly, the Senate or even the Presidency. Hence, starting as a mayor, an ambitious French politician can start his career of collecting multiple mandates, multiple salaries, multiple allowances and multiple pensions. The mayor has huge influence over planning, which makes him a key figure in every village. The performance of mayors varies dramatically and there are examples of dynamic mayors who have delivered major projects but others have little imagination or behave with either languor or mischief.

  MAIRIE, LA

  Black hole

  Ground zero in French local politics. Sometimes called the Hôtel de Ville, the mairie is the headquarters of municipal government. Superficially appealing because of its proximity to citizens, but often a nest of clientelism with the équipe municipale (the team of paid local government employees) stuffed with the relatives of the mayor and his principal allies. The mairie acts as an agent of the state, the department and of all the other local government syndicates and agglomerations that make up the mille-feuilles (multiple layers) of local government in France, hence there is often very little scope for local initiatives, major projects being driven by subsidies granted on the basis of priorities decided elsewhere. There are dynamic mayors in France but mostly the mairies are deeply conservative, way behind in the electronic delivery of services, and not really subject to much scrutiny, despite occasional prosecutions of the most blatantly corrupt.

  MANIF POUR TOUS

  Conservative social movement

  Led by Madame Frigide Barjot (this is not a typo), a comedian turned self-appointed guardian of traditional values, this is a reactionary social movement upholding Catholic values against the laxisme (social liberalism) of the French state. Launched to protest the movement for mariage pour tous, it is ignored with a shrug by the government which has pressed ahead with gay marriage and explicit sex education in schools, despite the howls of protest from Frigide. Everyone else who holds a demonstration seems to get their way, but the government’s calculus is that the manif pour tous crowd people will never ever vote for them. Poor Frigide, meanwhile, has been ejected from her rent-controlled Paris flat by the vengeful Paris social bureaucracy in classic punishment for doing what is not comme il faut.

  MARIAGE POUR TOUS

  Gay marriage

  ‘Marriage for everyone legislation’ in 2013 legalising gay marriage. Marriage for everyone, it is joked, except the President of the Republic, who remains a confirmed bachelor, though not in the British sense - more like a heterosexual rabbit in heat.

  MARSEILLAISE

  Bloody national anthem

  A stirring revolutionary march taught to every child in France, as part of their instruction in being Republicans. While it has a great, catchy tune, the controversial verses, with sanguinary lyrics, disgust the more sensitive, such as my friend Yvette, a teacher, who describes the 14th of July, when she and her classmates were made to sing the secular hymn, as the worst day of the school year:

  Do you hear, in the countryside,

  The roar of those ferocious soldiers?

  They’re coming right into your arms

  To cut the throats of your sons and women!

  So that’s definitely one for a trigger warning, as are lyrics like

  Tremble tyrants and traitors…

  vile despots…

  your patricidal schemes…

  bloodthirsty tigers who mercilessly rip their mother’s breast…

  etc.

  All of them designed to get the blood up in 11-year-olds.

  Numerous attempts to rewrite the lyrics to make them less bloodthirsty have failed. Overlooking the lyrics, the tune is better than the gloomy dirges adopted elsewhere. The scene in Casablanca (Michael Curtiz, 1942) when
Rick (Humphrey Bogart) orders the band to play it remains one of the greatest scenes in one of the most fabulous movies of all time. Indeed the film quotes the anthem throughout. It is quoted musically by The Beatles (All You Need is Love), Shostakovich in the score for Новый Вавилон (The New Babylon, Grigori Kozinstev and Leonid Trauberg, 1929) and Edward Elgar. Only the Americans and Russians even come close. The Simpsons have parodied the Marseillaise, including the following line:

  There’s a few things they do well.

  Like making love, wine, and cheese.