Who Let the Dogma Out (The Elven Prophecy Book 1)

by Theophilus Monroe

  I turned the key in the ignition, then looked at Agnus and rolled my eyes. “You have PTSD from the vet?”

  Agnus hissed. “Try getting your anal glands expelled some time, and you'll end up with PTSD too.”

  I pressed my lips together hard, trying to stifle a laugh.

  “I’m sorry about that!” I said, struggling to find words as my laughter swelled.

  “Just keep laughing. It’s all fun and games until someone sticks their finger in your ass.”

  That comment didn’t do much to stop my laughter. “I promise, Agnus. I won’t ever make him do that again.”

  Agnus snorted, looked at me with narrowed eyes, and let it fly. MEEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOW! Hisssss!

  I turned up the radio.

  More nineties alternative. B, by TRens. The lyrics reminded me of the bishop. The world is full of stupid people. Technically, I wasn’t blackballed, the bishop was investigating me, but the writing was on the wall. My career was over. Any other time in my life, if that were to happen, it would have been overwhelming. I’d seen it coming for years, and if there weren’t much stranger things afoot in my life than an overzealous heresy-hunting bishop, it might have impacted me more than it had. Perhaps all this talking-cat and healing-people stuff was just a temporary distraction. The reality that the career I’d pursued for years, spent a good chunk of my life preparing for, and used to be passionate about was over would probably hit me like a ton of bricks later.

  But as long as I had other issues that were more pressing consuming my mind, I could push it away for the most part. I pulled into the motel parking lot, unbuckled my seatbelt, and opened the door. Agnus flew across my lap faster than a toupee in a hurricane.

  “Agnus!” I shouted. Cats are generally graceful until they’re scared. My cat’s legs went flying out from under him as he slid across the asphalt and into a bush on the sidewalk that led to the motel lobby.

  The room where Layla had taken me was a few doors down from the lobby. The door was open, and the maid’s cart was parked outside.

  “Damn.”

  “I’m not coming out! Not now. Not ever.”

  I laughed. “You have to come out eventually. Besides, I think who we’re looking for is gone.”

  “You took me out for nothing!” The bush shook as Agnus trembled inside it.

  “Maybe not nothing. I need to check with the front desk. See if she’s still here. Maids usually clean the room during the day when whoever has the room is gone.”

  “Go check. I’ll be here when you get back. Pissing myself, probably.”

  I cocked my head. “You don’t wear clothes. You can’t piss yourself. You just piss.”

  “Don’t take everything so literally, man! I’m scared! That’s the point.”

  “Then don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back.” I pushed open the motel office door. It wasn’t the classiest place, but not many of the motels in this part of town were. I suspected it was one of those places that offered hourly rates.

  “Excuse me,” I said as I approached the desk. I sniffed. Was that cigarette smoke?

  Sure enough, an old man with salt-and-pepper hair and leathery skin came out from the back room, a cigarette in his hand. I tried my best to ignore it.

  “Four doors down, a lady was staying there. Pretty. Blonde.”

  “Killer body?” the man asked.

  I cocked my head. Did I expect this man, who smoked in front of what might have been a potential customer, to speak with any semblance of decorum? “Well, yeah. She’s in good shape.”

  The man smiled and took a drag off his cigarette. “I know the one. She checked out this morning.”

  “Damn,” I said.

  “Missed your chance with that one?” he asked.

  “You could say that. Any idea where she went?”

  The man shrugged. “Couldn’t tell you. She didn’t talk much. Just paid her bill and left.”

  “All right. Well, thanks.”

  I stepped out the door, then looked at the bush. “Agnus?”

  Meow

  Not the loudest meow he’d ever made. The only time he meowed like that was when he was genuinely frightened. Poor guy. I felt a little bad for bringing him out. I mean, I suppose, on second thought, I could have gone alone and looked for Layla. If I found her, I could bring her back to the apartment. I was just so accustomed to not being able to bring women back to my apartment. It was frowned upon for ministers to do that, even if it was platonic. It just didn’t look good, but I wasn’t a minister anymore. It was going to take me some time to get used to that.

  “Buddy, I’ve got you. I just need you to come out of there.”

  “Uh-uh. Not happening.”

  I took a deep breath. “Don’t make me come in there after you.”

  “Need some help with that?” It was a female voice. The woman touched my shoulder.

  I turned. “Layla! The guy in there said you’d checked out already.”

  Layla rolled her eyes. “No, I haven’t. That jerk has been flirting with me ever since I arrived. Probably just trying to get rid of you. He still thinks he has a shot.”

  I shook my head. “Doesn’t seem like he’s your type.”

  “He isn’t. But human men. You’re all so…”

  “Crass?” I asked.

  “I was going to say rude. But yes.”

  “Well, I’m not like that. If I like a woman, it takes me weeks to build up the nerve to say something.”

  “Which it should!” Layla insisted. “If you are interested in someone, you’ll put some care into the way you approach her.”

  I nodded. “So, I was hoping I’d find you here.”

  “I was hoping you’d come back. It’s the only reason I’m still here, truthfully.”

  I smiled a little. I knew she wasn’t waiting for me because she liked me, not like that, but because she was convinced I might be some kind of chosen one. “See, weird things have happened ever since…”

  “Since you were stabbed by the Blade of Echoes?”

  I nodded. “My eyes glow. I healed a woman who was having a stroke. And my cat Agnus is talking.”

  I glanced down at the bush. It was still shaking as Agnus trembled.

  “What happened to your cat? And why did you bring him out? I know humans walk their dogs, but I’ve never seen anyone take their cats out in the city.”

  “I know this sounds crazy, but he’s talking to me.”

  “I’ve always talked to him!” Agnus interrupted. “The only difference is he hears me now.”

  Layla laughed. “He is talking, isn’t he?”

  “You can hear me, too?” Agnus asked.

  “I can,” Layla responded. “But that doesn’t mean everyone can. I think the cat is right.”

  I cocked my head as Layla knelt beside the bush. She gently reached inside.

  “Come on, Agnus. I’ve got you.”

  One meow, then a purr. It was loud enough that I could hear it despite the sound of the traffic moving around us in the city. Layla stuck her other hand in and pulled out Agnus, who nuzzled her chin.

  “I’ve had that cat my whole life, and he’s never done that.”

  Layla smiled. “You’ll grow to have a greater kinship with animals in time. As your powers continue to come in.”

  I raised my eyebrows. “My powers? Come on.”

  “Damn, Casp!” Agnus interjected. “You didn’t say she was hot!”

  Warmth flushed my cheeks. I was probably blushing. Layla smirked.

  “I’m sorry,” I said. “It’s his first day being understood. He doesn’t seem to have much of a filter.”

  Layla giggled. “I think it’s sweet.”

  “So, can you tell me what’s happening? I’m not saying I believe everything you’ve been saying. I’m not saying I don’t, either. Consider me agnostic. I’m undecided. But so far, you’re the only one who has had any explanation.”

  “This probably isn’t the sort of thing we should talk about out here,”
Layla said. “People might hear us.”

  “And think we’re crazy?” I laughed.

  “We’d be lucky if that was all. I’m more concerned about B’iff.”

  “Biff? Like the asshole from the Back to the Future movies?”

  Layla shrugged. “I don’t know many human movies. And no, it’s not Biff. It’s B’iff.”

  I stared at Layla blankly. “I can’t tell the difference.”

  “There’s a guttural stop between the B and the rest. Listen closely. Biff, or B’iff?”

  I furrowed my brow. “I still don’t hear it.”

  Layla smiled. “Doesn’t matter. The point is B’iff is the orc who has the Blade of Echoes. The one who stabbed you. If he realizes you survived and he hears us talking, well, he knows about the prophecy too, and I doubt he’d like to see it fulfilled.”

  I nodded. “So, what do we do?”

  “We should lay low. He’s probably tracked me here, so this isn’t a great spot for us. Do you have a place?”

  “Yeah, I have an apartment. I mean, it’s a bit of a mess.”

  “Perfect,” Layla said. “You drive. There’s a lot to talk about. Especially now that you’re talking to your cat. It may be yet another sign that you’ve fulfilled the prophecy.”

  “Great,” I said sarcastically. “Because that’s exactly what I was hoping for.”

  Chapter Eleven

  “Excuse the mess,” I said. “I’m not used to having visitors.”

  “And never women,” Agnus added as I placed him on the floor. “I think Casp is into men.”

  Layla cocked her head. “Is he right about that?”

  “No, I’m not gay. Not that I have a problem with that, despite what people assume on account of my former profession. It’s fine. It’s just not me. I like women. He’s just giving me crap.”

  “Good,” Layla said. “Not that I’d have a problem with that, either. But in your case, I’d prefer that not to be true.”

  “Why is that?” I asked.

  Layla grinned a little as she sat on the couch. Before she could answer, Agnus quickly jumped into her lap. “Pet me, beautiful.”

  I was half-glad Agnus interrupted. Not that I didn’t welcome flirting with Layla or hearing that she might have some kind of interest in me, but did I want to get involved with her? I mean, I was being investigated. I wasn’t excommunicated yet. Hooking up with a cultist, though, or someone they’d believe was a cultist would be the nail that sealed the coffin that was my career in the ministry.

  "You realize,” Layla said, “the prophecy states that the chosen one will be accompanied by a familiar, a wise guardian who will help him on his path."

  I chuckled. “Yeah, not Agnus. Not what I’d call an enlightened sage.”

  “Hey!” Agnus looked at me with narrowed eyes. “I’ve got proverbs, bitch!”

  “See what I mean?”

  “Never play leapfrog with a unicorn,” Agnus piped up, suddenly speaking with a British accent.

  I rolled my eyes. “That’s not a proverb, simply good advice. And why do proverbs have to be British?”

  “Shush,” Agnus said, maintaining his accent. “Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.”

  “When have you ever eaten jalapenos, Agnus?” I asked.

  Layla giggled as she continued petting him.

  “If you don't go to other men's funerals, they won't go to yours.”

  “Of course they won’t,” I said. “Because they’re dead. That’s not a proverb. It’s just logic.”

  “Actually,” Layla interjected, “in our culture, we believe the spirits of the deceased descend to help guide their friends into the beyond. So it makes sense to me.”

  “You get my point,” I said. “Agnus might be a bit witty, but I hardly think he’s the kind of familiar your prophecy is talking about.”

  “I don’t know,” Layla said, grinning from one elf ear to the other. “That point about jalapenos was pretty wise if you ask me.”

  Agnus made a throat-clearing sound. “It’s better to shoot for the stars and miss than aim for a pile of shit and hit.”

  Layla pressed her lips together and nodded. “See, I think he’s just warming up.”

  “I suppose that one’s not too bad,” I agreed. “Still, what if you’re right? What if I am the chosen one of this prophecy? What does that mean for me?”

  “If you truly are the chosen one,” Layla said, “your destiny will catch up to you whether you’re looking for it or not.”

  I shook my head. "I used to think there was such a thing as destiny. That God had a plan and a path and if I did my best to follow him faithfully, he’d make sure his plans were realized. Now, I’m not so sure that’s true. I just don’t know what God is doing with my life anymore."

  Layla ran her fingers through her hair. "I don't know much about human religion, but in my experience dealing with gods and such, the very fact that they are gods means you don't get to understand everything about them. They're a lot bigger than us. Smarter and wiser, too. So we just have to sort of trust that even when things seem crazy, they still know what they're doing."

  “I’m not saying I believe in all this stuff you’ve said about elves and magic and whatnot. But I’m not saying I don’t, either. Strange things have been happening ever since I got stabbed, ever since you healed me—”

  “Don’t forget,” Agnus butted in as he nuzzled his face into Layla’s hand, “you’ve finally gained an ability to listen to reason. Even if you do still have a long way to go in terms of obedience.”

  I grinned. “Yes, and I can have conversations with my cat now.”

  “Hey, Casp. Go open me another can of tuna!”

  “Agnus, I’m trying to ask Layla some questions here. I’ll get you your food when we’re done.”

  “Do I need to remind you, Casp? Delayed obedience is disobedience.”

  I rolled my eyes. Layla was grinning widely. She was getting a kick out of all this. “You aren’t my boss, Agnus.”

  “That’s right. I’m much more than that. Thou shalt have no other gods.”

  I cleared my throat. “You aren’t a god, either.”

  Agnus looked at Layla. “You see what I’m up against? He’s delusional.”

  “Caspar, just get him some food. It might give us a chance to talk.”

  I sighed. “All right.”

  “What?” Agnus asked. “You don’t obey me, but the hot elf makes one suggestion, and you bend over backward!”

  I rolled my eyes, then got up and strolled into the kitchen. “It’s not about obedience,” I said. “She just made a fair point.”

  Agnus jumped off of Layla’s lap, turned, and looked back at her. “We need to compare notes on training humans.”

  Layla smirked. “It’s a deal, Agnus. But I’m not sure this one is trainable.”

  “Hey!” I interjected, then tilted my head. I wasn’t sure if that was an insult. Being “trainable” wasn’t a virtue I’d ever pursued in life.

  Layla chuckled in response.

  By the time Agnus made it to the kitchen, I had the can of tuna open and set it on the floor.

  “Good boy,” Agnus said before plunging his face into the open can.

  I shook my head as I sat back down next to Layla. “I’ll tell you what. I always knew he thought he was a god. I just figured, you know, cat thing. But now that I can hear him talk, he really thinks so.”

  “I think he’s cute,” Layla said.

  “Did you hear that!” Agnus shouted from the kitchen, his mouth full of tuna. “She thinks I’m cute!”

  I rolled my eyes. “I think he has a crush on you.”

  Layla shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

  I scratched my head. “So, you have a habit of eliciting romantic interest from animals?”

  Layla laughed. “I guess it sounds bad when you put it that way. But our people connect with animals. When t
hey realize I can understand them…I don’t know, I think there’s a certain novelty that draws them to me.”

  “So, other people like you, elves, they all talk to animals?”

  “We can talk to some animals. Not all animals. Only mammals. And even then, only those who’ve been domesticated. After a while—just like children do, I suppose—when an animal has lived with elves, or in this case, a human, they begin to think in their companion’s native language.”

  “So why only mammals?” I asked.

  Layla tucked her hair behind her ears. Damn, there was something oddly sexy about her ears. Was that weird? I don’t know. I mean, since the subject of trans-species romance was already in the air.

  Layla continued. “Reptiles function almost entirely on instinct. Even if we use a little magic to tap into their thoughts, we can’t understand them. They have no real language, just primal urges. Birds are a little more sensible, but there’s a reason calling people bird-brained is an insult. Don’t get me wrong, birds aren’t dumb per se. They are what they are. They have their own sense of logic, I suppose. Same thing when it comes to fish, except for whales and dolphins. Only mammals think in a way at all analogous to hominids. Dolphins especially are quite astute.”

  I stroked my chin. “I’ve heard their intelligence approaches that of humans.”

  Layla nodded. “They’re the only species left on your planet that still uses Earth’s magic.”

  I cocked my head. “So, dolphins are wizards?”

  “Of a sort, I suppose,” Layla said, scratching the back of her neck. “They use magic quite sparingly. But yes, you’d be surprised what they’re capable of doing.”

  “And this planet you say you came from?”

  “We call it New Albion,” Layla said. “Technically, we call it Albiyon Newydd. But in translation, New Albion works.”

  “Albion. That’s what they used to call Britain.”

  Layla nodded. “We are not aliens, not really. Earth was once our ancestors’ home.”

  “Ancestors? As in how long ago?”

  “Some of our human ancestors emigrated when the emperor Claudius conquered Albion. Others came as late as the Dark Ages. Most of my ancestors were what you’d call druids. The Romans feared us because our people lived in harmony with the Earth. We understood and tapped into this planet’s magic. What our people call Awen.”