by Styles, T.
“Yes! Go ahead!” she smiled. I could see she was uncomfortable because she looked at me then back at him. It must be hard being treated like a kid. But this is all her fault. “I have the food you made me in the microwave and I’m gonna sit here and watch Stomp The Yard for the fiftieth time today.” She continued laughing touching her belly.
“If you need me, call me on my cell phone. I have it with me.” He said touching his bag before bending down to kiss her swollen belly. “And if you have to run out anywhere, take your key.”
You mean this bitch has a key? I thought.
Why’s he giving her so much attention? Its cause of her he has a big gash across his forehead from the day he found her wretched ass at the dope house. And if it wasn’t for the tracks he wore you’d be able to see he had stitches in the back of his head too.
“Miss Wayne, we gonna be late!” I reminded him opening the front door jingling my car keys for emphasis. “Daffany’s a grown ass woman!”
This was his cue to come on! I felt consumed with jealousy and I didn’t know why. I have to get out of here.
He shot me the evil eye and kissed Daffany one last time before walking out the door with me. I couldn’t help but wonder if I was still his favorite. I was the one he always rescued in our little group. I don’t want things to change. Too much has changed already in my life. Sky’s dead. Daffany’s on heroin and I might be losing Miss Wayne’s love. He was the only person consistent in my life, and I needed to know he would always be there for me…regardless.
When he saw Sweets sitting in my car I knew he was gonna unleash. And unleash is what he did. It wasn’t my fault. Smokes insisted that I bring her along, and she gladly obliged. She loved spying on me. She and I both knew it. It was almost as if she was trying to catch me in something. But what?
“Is there a problem?” she asked glaring at him, as she roamed through the hair magazine I picked up earlier from the grocery store.
I wanted to change my hair for my wedding so we were going over different styles. I had settled on letting my natural hair fall in a medium length bob. Miss Wayne stood outside the car shooting daggers at her.
“Yes there’s a problem.” He pulled down his shades so that they rested on the tip of his nose, allowing him to peer over them. “For one you’re here, and for two you’re in the front seat. So why don’t you wiggle your little narrow azz in the back where you belong.”
“What?!” she slammed the magazine shut, throwing it in her lap. “You didn’t call front seat!”
“I didn’t call front seat? Chile…you’re about to get what I call an old fashioned ass kicking if you don’t slither in the back! Ya heard?”
She looked at me and all I could say was, “Just slither in the back seat before he gets angry.”
She huffed and puffed the entire time but she moved where she belonged. The magazine dropped on the floor of my car and she didn’t bother picking it up. Messing with a faggy was out of the question and I did her a favor by making her go where it was harder for him to slap her. When she put her seat belt on, he threw the picnic bags over her tossing the magazine in her face.
“Ouch!” she exclaimed rubbing her cheek.
“Shut up, huzzy!” He got in the front placing his seat belt on next.
Boy am I gonna hear about this shit from Smokes later.
“Why is she here?” He turned up the music as if she was a child and couldn’t hear over the sounds blaring from the speakers.
“Cause he wanted her here.” I pulled out of the parking lot of his apartment complex in Bowie. It would take us 45 minutes to drive to Columbia Maryland’s Merriweather Post Pavilion, an outside concert hall.
“Well why would he want her here when he knows I can’t stand her yella ass?!”
“Miss Wayne, please!” I looked at him before focusing back on the road. “You’re yella too. Or have you forgotten?”
“Miss Parade, is that man beating you?” he continued drilling me like a sergeant.
“What?” I glared at him as I merged into traffic. “What are you talkin’ about now?”
“I said is he beating you?”
“No he’s not beating her!” Sweets said as she scooted between us, so she could be heard over the music. “He loves her! Trust me I know.”
“Do you want me to snatch the back of your scalp to the front of your face?” he asked turning around to look at her. I turned the music down because it was obvious it wasn’t working. Sweets ear hustling abilities were top notch.
“Well I suggest you sit back, be quiet and be cool. You don’t want it with me. Trust me, honey! It won’t be good!”
When she was in check he continued, “Then why would you allow him to tell you who to bring when you’re hanging out with your girls? You’re a grown ass woman.”
“Cause I don’t want to hear his mouth that’s why. He’s gonna be my future husband and I have to obey him.”
“Obey?” he waved me off and said, “Stop at the store right there.” He pointed his gold metallic finger nail at the 7 Eleven temporarily dropping the subject. “I have to pick up some ice but we will resume this conversation later.”
“They have ice at the concert.” I was growing increasingly irritated with him by the minute. “We really should stay on the road.”
“They ain’t got enough for my world famous potato salad! Now go ahead it’ll only take a minute.”
I pulled up into the parking lot and told a pissed off Sweets we’d be right back.
I decided to go in with him because this man could shop, even if it was just 7 Eleven. And I didn’t want him taking all day. I walked toward the ice chest and Miss Wayne went Gawd knows where. When I grabbed a bag I saw three dudes walk up to me.
“Dayum, ma! You sexy den a mofo!” one of them said as he licked his crusty bottom lip and gave his friend some dap. He must’ve thought he just said something inquisitive. They were eyeing me as if I was naked and I felt violated.
I knew I was sexy in my jeans by Deelishis designed for the girl with the tiny waste and fat ass. So what he was saying didn’t move me at all.
“Yeah she cute as hell to be dark.” One of them said.
I smiled because lately I’d heard that a lot. In fact, Smokes told me I was a sexy dark chick on a regular. Apparently Miss Wayne didn’t like it because he popped up and said, “And what exactly does that mean?”
“What exactly does what mean?” He looked at Miss Wayne as if he’d lost his mind.
“What does it mean to be sexy to be dark?”
“It means she’s a fine dark sister!” He eyed Miss Wayne as if he was a science project. All I could think of was Lord, please let us get outta here without any altercations. “And what you worried about it for fudge packer?”
Miss Wayne paid that comment no mind. He went right back to the comment he said about me being cute to be dark. I saw in his eyes that their comment pissed him off but I didn’t know why. He was being nice. He was paying me a compliment. So why the hostility?
“Well dark or not she’s hot so what you sayin’ is dumb. Hell you make it sound like most dark people are ugly but she was The One that got away. And since it’s obvious your mamma never taught you any manners…allow me. That shit you just said was rude and wrong.”
“This mothaphucka’s straps bout to bust on his sandals and he gettin’ in my business about some bullshit?” he laughed talking to his boys. “You can’t be for real.”
“Hold up!” I told him. “You disrespecting now!”
“It’s okay, Miss Parade,” he said interrupting me. “I’m tryin’ to find out why he’s lookin’ at my feet? Let me find out you into men.”
And what Miss Wayne did next made my mouth dropped. He cupped the dude’s balls and squeezed them afterwards licking his lips.
That set him off. He attempted to punch Miss Wayne and I dropped the ice and reverted back to my Quincy Manor days. I knew I had a right like Tyson.
Whop!
He fell
back against his boys and they tried to help him up. The ice bag ruptured on the floor and I saw drips of his blood fall on it like water paint. I waited for him to make a move, just one, so I could hit him again. But he remained in his friends arms like a new born baby. I guess he was seeing stars.
“Come on, baby.” Miss Wayne grabbed my forearm. “Let’s roll. We’ll get the ice at the place.”
“That’s what I thought,” I told him wishing we never came in to begin with.
When we got in the car it was silent for a minute. I don’t understand why I always feel the need to fight. I know it’s not ladylike and I try hard not to. But something in me clicks and sometimes it’s better for me to handle things the best way I know how. By whippin’ a bitch’s ass! Maybe I should’ve enlisted in the army or something where my talents could be put to better use.
“What’s wrong with you, Miss Parade?” He’s the kind of person who had to know why things were instead of leaving well enough alone. Besides, he knew full well why I dropped his ass on the floor.
“Because he was talkin’ about you that’s why.”
“I’m not talkin’ about what he said to me. My feet are big den a mothafucka in these shoes. I put a little too much salt on my pork chops last night and they swole up on me this morning. I wasn’t bout to look for some different shoes to wear with this outfit so I decided to roll with them anyway. Nawl what I’m talkin’ about is why would you accept him saying that you’re cute to be dark?”
“Because he was paying me a compliment. You act like he said I was a ugly bitch or somethin’.”
“He was.”
“I didn’t take it that way.”
“Do you know what cute to be dark means?” Miss Wayne persisted.
“Naw explain it to me” I merged onto Route 29 leading to the concert.
“It means that normally dark women aren’t cute and you were the one who made the exception. It’s disrespectful and wrong, Parade. And it’s far from a compliment!”
“I don’t think it is.” Sweets interjected. “If you look at TV nowadays, everyone is as light as me and you. Women, Parade’s complexion aren’t really cute at least the ones I’ve seen anyway.”
“So are you actually sitting in the backseat of my friend’s car saying she’s unattractive?” he asked turning around waiting for her response.
“No! She’s cute to be dark!” Sweets said seriously.
“You want the Angelina Jolie’s don’t you?” Miss Wayne asked as he peered at her.
“The Angelina Jolie’s?” she repeated to be sure she heard him correctly.
“Yes…cause I’m about to swell your lips up three sizes too big if you don’t sit back there and shut the fuck up.” Silence.
“Now, Parade that bitch in the back seat has lost her fuckin’ mind but I haven’t! There are plenty dark women who are gorgeous on TV.”
“Name one.” I asked.
“Name one?” he repeated looking confused and obviously trying to buy time.
“Just one. That looks like me that I can relate too.”
I got him. There was not one single woman on TV that was considered attractive, with a complexion as dark as mine.
“But does that make you unattractive?” he finally replied not able to think of anyone.
“It seems like it.” My words were too hard to swallow. “How can I feel good when everything I see on TV is contradictory to what I see in the mirror?”
“Parade…that’s a question you’re gonna have to answer. TV doesn’t make who you are inside or out,” he said softly touching my hand. “you do.”
It was totally silent until, “Kimberly Elise!” Sweets blurted out covering her mouth quickly. She remembered Miss Wayne told her to be quiet but had forgotten.
“What?” we both said simultaneously.
She uncovered her mouth and said, “Kimberly Elise. She’s on TV and you guys have the same complexion.”
I knew who she was. She played Denzel’s wife in John Q and she played in Tyler Perry’s movie Diary of a Mad Black Woman. Still I didn’t know if she was pretty enough for me. Or maybe because she didn’t fit the description of what I was told pretty was.
“Yeah…I guess.” I pulled up in Merriweather’s parking lot.
“Kimberly Elise, huh?” Miss Wayne repeated shaking his head looking at Sweets as we stepped out of the car. “Yous about a stupid, bitch!”
“I was just tryin’ to help,” Sweets said easing out of the car. “The truth is, Parade, you gonna have to stop lettin’ everybody else’s problem with your complexion be your burden. You are a woman. A beautiful one at that…and you have to start exuding that to everyone you meet.”
Wow. Sweets got deep on me and for a second, she seemed different. Like she really cared. It was weird and made me somewhat uncomfortable because her words hit home.
“Girl, shut your fake ass up and come on!” Miss Wayne replied.
They were arguing and I needed to think. I allowed them to walk ahead of me to clear my mind. Cause I still wasn’t convinced that the complexion I wore, wasn’t the reason why everything went bad in my life, and it was going to take a miracle to change my mind. And God wasn’t in the business of performing miracles in my life so I knew it would never happen.
Daffany
I’m watching TV and everything on reminds me of “ It”. I can’t stop the urge and the desire I have to satisfy my ultimate craving. To get high. Not even the baby I carry in my womb makes the urge go away. At first the picture of Miss Wayne’s bashed up face in my mind helps, but soon the violence he suffered because of me no longer works. Yet the only thing that holds me is that I know if I leave, Miss Wayne will come looking for me and I can’t risk something happening to him…again.
I was able to get some dope from a white girl who lives in the next building over one day. I couldn’t believe she let me get high with her. I guess misery loves company. I knew she was a dope head the moment I laid eyes on her. But after I told her I’d come back with my share of the money, and never did, she left me alone.
I decided to turn up the sound on the part in the movie Stomp The Yard, where Columbus Short danced off the song, “Walk It Out”. That part always got me hyped and usually drew me into it. He looked like he owned the club when he moved on the stage. I remember when me, Parade, Sky and Miss Wayne use to hang out at the club. We use to own it too. I would always get high right before I went to put my mind at ease. But back then, I only fucked with Ecstasy.
High. High. High. High. High.
Yeah…high, that’s what I want to be right now. I jumped up and went to Miss Wayne’s room looking for some sweat pants and a baggy T-shirt large enough to cover my tummy. I needed to hide my pregnancy before I copped. Sometimes…not often…dealers didn’t want to serve you if they had a conscious. I hated those types. My business was my business not theirs.
I didn’t need this unborn baby stopping me from getting what I wanted, and sometimes I resented it. When I rummaged through his dresser, all I saw was tight pants, and girly clothes, none of which would fit over my stomach. And then I remembered, his lover Keith lived here too and always wore extra large clothes.
I made my way over to his side of the bedroom and accidentally hit my toe on the metal bed frame. Falling onto the bed I rubbed my toe until the pain subsided. This is crazy. What am I doing? It had been one day since I smoked and I want so badly to beat this thing. I just can’t. Still, it feels good being able to walk around without it. For the first time in a long time I feel proud. I don’t need that stuff. I can beat this! If I just try.
I got up on my way to return to the living room when I thought, I could start over tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll beat this thing for good and protect me and my baby. Yeah…my baby. My baby. What am I doing? I’m pregnant?!!!
“Lord please help me do this.” I cried as I lay against the wall before sliding down into a ball on the floor. “I can’t do this alone. I’m gonna kill my baby and I’m gonna kill myself too.�
�
As I prayed for God to help me, I heard keys in the door. Did Miss Wayne forget something? I stood up and walked to the hallway and saw Keith walking in with two Louis Vuitton bags.
“Where’s my, honey?” he asked locking the door after placing his bags down.
“He’s at the concert.” I told him as I took my place on the couch. I didn’t want him coming in and controlling the TV like he usually did. He knew I didn’t have a room and the only space I had was in the living room on the couch. Yet some days he would bogart the TV and stretch out on the couch knowing full well I didn’t have anywhere else to go in the apartment. And then when Miss Wayne wasn’t home, he forbade me from going in his room. It’s like he really didn’t want me here or he wanted me to kiss his ass like it was his place. “Him and Parade left about forty minutes ago.”
“He cook?” he eyeballed my full breasts.
“Yeah.” I said focusing on the movie. He was making me uncomfortable. This was weird. Why is he staring at me like this? Prior to now I thought he didn’t have any feelings for me either which way. So what changed?
“Won’t you warm me up something to eat real quick?”
“Okay.” I felt defeated as I handed him the remote. I guess me and my baby wouldn’t have that plate in the microwave after all.
“I don’t need the remote, I’m good.” He sat it down beside him. “You can have the TV when you come back. Besides, I’d rather watch you instead.”
Suddenly having the TV wasn’t important to me anymore. I was lost and didn’t know how to take him. I couldn’t go into their room because I didn’t belong. I couldn’t stay out here because I would be in the way. I wish I never let my apartment go. I warmed up the plate and reluctantly placed it on the table in front of him.
“Salt?”
“Huh?” I responded wiping the water from rinsing his plate on my night pants.
“Where’s the salt?” he asked digging into his meal finally taking his eyes off of me.