Losing a Piece of Me

by K. B. Andrews

  We’re standing in his kitchen and he’s pulling things out to throw on the grill once the roof is fixed.

  “Yeah, Gemma and I ran into her last night. She’s coming to the cook out.”

  My mouthful of beer ends up sprayed across the floor when his last sentence graces my ears. “She’s coming here? Today?”

  He makes a disgusted face and wipes the beer from his shirt. “Yeah, she should be here any time now. What’s your deal? I thought you gave up on that one?”

  I run my hand over my hair, so short now that it springs right back into place. “I thought I did too,” I whisper.

  Brett shakes his head and turns back to his food. “Anyway, Gemma is really excited that she’s back, so please don’t chase her off as soon as she gets here.”

  I scoff. “Why would I do that?”

  He turns and flashes me a pointed look but doesn’t say a word.

  A few minutes later, Brett finishes seasoning the steaks and he picks up the tray. “Grab my beer, would ya?” he says, heading toward the sliding glass door.

  Both of our beers in hand, I follow him to the door.

  “I hope it doesn’t take too long to patch this roof. It’s too hot to be up there today.”

  Whatever he says after that is completely lost to me. Before I have even stepped out of the door, I’m stopped dead in my tracks.

  There she is.

  Sitting right in front of me.

  The world stops turning when her eyes lock on mine.

  Her blue eyes shine back at me. They are wide and unmoving. She wasn’t expecting to see me either; she’s just as frozen as I am.

  My first instinct is to march over and pull her in for a lip-crushing kiss, but I decide against it in favor of a more tactful approach. Instead, I casually follow Brett to the grill, keeping my eyes on her as I pass.

  She follows my movement, never looking away. Gemma is telling her something, but she clearly is not hearing any of it. She is only paying attention to me.

  My eyes narrow and I set my jaw, handing Brett his beer while still locked in some kind of staring competition with Lex. She swallows and moves her hands to the edge of the chair, as if she is holding herself in place to keep from running away. Her knuckles turn white from squeezing as we watch one another.

  My eyes slip first, falling from her stare to take in the rest of her. She looks beautiful. Her dark hair hangs down around her shoulders in waves. Her long legs are exposed, barely covered by the cutoff jean shorts she’s wearing, and they are begging to be wrapped around my hips again.

  Our eyes meet again and I notice that they are darkly lined, making them appear an even deeper shade of blue.

  Before, she was just a girl who was filled with fear of the unknown. Now, she’s strong. I can see into the depths of her soul, see the determination she has in her. She has grown so goddamn much, mentally and physically; I can tell just from looking at her. Knowing that she is the only one strong enough to be with me, to take on all of the baggage I come with, makes me want her even more.

  It doesn’t take me long to figure out that Brett and Gemma are both frozen along with us. The only thing moving is their eyes, which flash from me to Lex and back, watching and waiting to see who makes the first move.

  I feel my heart pounding away in my chest. My breathing is labored, and every muscle is flexed and tense. I want to rush her and ask all the questions I’ve been wondering since the day she left. Why did you leave me? Where did you go? Why haven’t you called? Why don’t you love me?

  But instead, all that comes out is, “What are you doing back here, Lex?” My voice sharply breaks the silence, making Gemma gasp.

  Her fingers grip the chair tighter, I can see the muscles in her arms flex as she squeezes the edge.

  She moistens her lips and clears her throat. “Engagement dinner.”

  That takes me back. I narrow my eyes on her. “You’re getting married?” I grit my teeth together so hard it feels like they will shatter.

  “Oh, no-” Gemma starts, but is silenced when Lex rips her eyes from me and trains them on her.

  She turns back to me. Her eyes are wide like a deer in the headlights. “Yeah, I’m getting married.”

  The remaining pieces of my heart crumble at this. I swallow down the emotions bubbling up: love, anger, resentment, and everything in between. I push it all down and manage to grit out a weak, “Congratulations.”

  I turn away from her for the first time and face the grill. Brett is still frozen, all he can do is glance from me to Lex, and then to Gemma.

  “Are we going to get this grill fired up so we can start on the roof or not?” I ask before emptying the rest of my beer.

  He jumps, realizing that the show is over. “Yeah.” He springs into action, lighting the grill.

  “I’m going to grab another beer, you want one?”

  “Fuck yeah, I can’t deal with all this going on.”

  I smile and shake my head as I walk back into the house.

  Brett does all the work on the roof while I sit back and watch Lex. She has no idea I am watching, and I finally get a chance to see her with her guard down. Her conversation with Gemma is easy and relaxed - she smiles and nods along with whatever Gemma is saying.

  I watch the way she moves, full of grace and purpose. She reaches out, picking up her glass and taking a sip.

  Even such a simple action stirs my emotions into a frenzy.

  “Hand me the hammer,” Brett says, emphasizing his words with a smack to the back of my head.

  I pass him the hammer and bring my eyes back to her. “I can’t fucking believe she’s getting married.” I shake my head and look at him.

  He grins. “She ain’t fucking getting married. She’s here because her sister is getting married, you dumbass.”

  I flex my jaw as anger and relief wash over me. “Her sister is the one getting married?”

  “Yeah, she just side-stepped your ass.” He laughs before giving me the hammer back. “All done. Let’s get down from here.”

  As soon as she sees me climbing down the ladder, her wall is back up. The easygoing mannerisms I saw from the roof are gone. She’s turned to stone, but she tries to keep her eyes from me. She doesn’t want to be rude and leave because of me, but she doesn’t want to have to talk around me, or even look at me again.

  It becomes clear to me: I need to face this situation head-on. I take a seat directly across the table from her, prop my feet up on the empty chair, and bring my bottle to my lips. I take a long drink before I look at her.

  Her full chest is rising and falling quickly, she looks nervous and tries looking anywhere but at me.

  “So who’s the guy?” I ask.

  “The guy?” She stares into me and I lift a brow. “Oh, the guy!” She shakes her head. “Just someone I met a couple years ago.” She waves her hand in front of her face like it doesn’t matter.

  I lift my shoulders in a shrug. “Does he have a name?”

  “Jeff,” she answers a little too quickly.

  I nod along. “Jeff, huh? What’s he do? Do you two live together?”

  She looks from me to Gemma and back.

  No one can answer this one for you, sweetheart.

  “Um, no. We don’t live together yet. He’s in the restaurant business.”

  A small laugh slips from my lips. “Like a waiter?”

  She squares her shoulders and lifts her chin just a bit. “No, like he owns the restaurant.” Her tone is harsh, she wants me to believe that she’s mad. She’s not. She forgets that I know her better than anyone else. Someone else may back off when they hear that tone, but I don’t.

  Gemma gasps. “Really? Which one, Brett and I will have to come in one night.”

  Lex’s eyes flash to me. She knows that saying the name of the restaurant will give away her hiding place.

  “You know, I should probably get going.” She pushes away from the table.

  “What? We haven’t even eaten yet,” Gemma says,
standing with her.

  “I know, I’m sorry. I just have to get ready for this dinner. You know my mother.” She forces a smile before turning and practically running away.

  My eyes follow her until she is no longer in view.

  “What’d you do that for?” Gemma smacks me on the arm.

  I rest my elbows on the table. “I’m sorry, what did you think was going to happen? We haven’t seen or talked to each other in six years. Did you really think you could throw us together and everything would be fine?”

  She sits back down and picks up her glass. “Well, I kind of hoped that you two would see each other and realize how in love you both still are. Then you could get married and name your first-born after me.” She beams her best smile.

  I laugh and shake my head. “Did you hear that, Brett? Your wife is trying to play matchmaker again.

  He walks over and sets down the tray of steaks. “I warned her this wouldn’t go well. I don’t know why she refuses to listen.”

  After dinner, Brett and Gemma talk me into going out for a couple drinks. I’ve already had a few more than normal, but figure, what the hell. I don’t have shit to do tonight.

  Gemma insists she has to take a shower and spend an hour primping.

  I take off toward Pops’ restaurant, telling them that I’ll catch up with them later. It gives me peace of mind to check in on the old man, make sure he’s resting and not working too hard. He’s a stubborn old man and refuses to listen to anyone.

  “Hey, Pops.” I flop down on the barstool at the counter.

  “Where in the hell have you been?” he asks without looking up from the counter that he’s wiping down.

  “What do you mean? I was just in here yesterday.”

  He pauses for a moment and then shrugs. He pours me a cup of coffee and leans down, resting his elbows against the counter.

  I study his expression. “Are you okay? Do you remember seeing me here yesterday?”

  A smile spreads across his face. “I don’t even remember how I got here this morning.”

  A chill runs over me and the hair on the back of my neck stands up. Pops is like my father, it worries me that old age may be getting to him. I inspect his face for several moments. His grin never fades, and he has a twinkle in his dull blue eyes. “Are you fucking with me?”

  He smacks my arm. “Of course I’m messing with you. You really think I’m going to lose my mind?” He scoffs. “I’m still as sharp as a whip.”

  I roll my eyes and let out a long sigh, then rub my hand over my head and look back at him. “Don’t do that shit to me.”

  He laughs a minute before his face becomes serious. “Tell me you saw her.”

  My shoulders slump and my head dips forward before I nod. “Yep, I saw her alright.”

  “And?” he presses.

  “She lied and told me she’s getting married. Even went as far as making up a name for the bastard.”

  He laughs even harder, doubling over and slapping his knee.

  “What’s so funny?” I ask. This situation is anything but amusing, but his infectious laughter absorbs into me.

  “Have you forgotten who you’re dealing with?”

  I take a sip of my coffee and straighten up just a bit. “What do you mean?”

  He walks around the counter and sits down beside me, training his eyes on mine. “This is Lex we’re talking about. She’s never been the kind to just roll over and give up information. If you want answers from her, real answers, you’re going to have to force them out like you always had to. She will mess around and give you everything but the one thing you want. You know this - I’m surprised that I have to remind you.”

  I look down at my coffee. He’s right. This is Lex. She never was easy, that’s why I always loved her. She would make me work for everything. I’d spent months working for that first kiss, I’d spent years working my way into her heart, and I’d spent a decade being totally hers and nobody else’s.

  Nothing is easy when it comes to Lex. She is closed off, stubborn, difficult, and full of determination. But once you’ve wormed your way underneath all her layers, she loves strongly and fiercely.

  “You’re right.” I push away from the counter.

  “Where ya going?” Pops asks.

  “To find Lex,” I shout over my shoulder, heading for the door.

  Chapter 5

  The pit in my stomach, which has been there since pulling into my parents’ driveway, swells as I walk away from Striker. I feel that familiar pull that he’s always had over me. It’s as if we are connected by a rubber band and the more I walk away, the tighter that band gets. You would think at some point over the past six years that rubber band would’ve snapped, but it hasn’t – it’s only gained elasticity. I know in my heart that no matter how far I run from him, that band will always be there. It may hurt less and less the further I get, but it won’t ever break.

  The engine turns several times before finally struggling to life, and once it starts I throw it into reverse and hit the gas. The car lurches backward and before I know it, I’m speeding away from him.

  My mind is still reeling when I reach my parents’ house. I park quickly and run up the few steps to the front door, taking a deep breath before walking in. The optimist in me is hoping to God that my mother isn’t anywhere nearby.

  With a surge of bravery, I open the door quietly and close it behind me. I rush to the stairs directly in front of me.

  “Alexis?”

  I stop dead in my tracks and turn slowly towards the voice. “Yes?”

  “I got you a new dress for tonight’s dinner. It’s been pressed and is ready to put on.”

  I take a step closer. “I already have a dress.”

  “No you don’t, I threw it out. I mean honestly, Alexis. Did you really think that was appropriate to wear to your sister’s engagement dinner?”

  It takes a firm biting of my tongue to keep from saying something, telling her to fuck off in one way or another, but I manage to fight it. Just get through the weekend. Let it go.

  I turn away from her and climb the stairs to my room. Walking into it now feels no different than yesterday, as if I’ve time-traveled back into my horrible childhood.

  It wasn’t all horrible, though. The parts with Striker were all worth it.

  And with that thought, I throw myself on the bed. I curl up into a ball, but not before I spitefully kick the freshly-pressed dress into the floor.

  Sure, it’s childish, but what does she expect when she treats me this way?

  Focusing on breathing deeply, I will myself to think of anything other than the stress of the day. After some time, my breathing slows and I feel myself slip away, sinking further and further into the comfy blanket and fluffy pillow.

  There’s a tapping on my window. I rush to it because my mother hasn’t done her nightly checks yet. I throw the window open and whisper down to him, “Not yet. Hold on.”

  I close the window and wrap my robe tighter around myself. Not two minutes later, she opens the door and sees me lying in bed with a book.

  “Good night, Alexis.”

  “Night,” I say back without taking my eyes from the pages.

  Signaled by the soft click of the door latch closing, I toss the book to the floor and pull off the robe. I adjust my shirt and pull the pant legs of my jeans back down while slipping into a pair of flip flops. I open the window and begin my journey to him.

  The bright moon lighting up his features makes me go a little weak. His green eyes are shaded by the night, but it just adds to his mystery. His chiseled jaw is set and his perfect lips are turned up in a grin as he watches me climb down to him.

  He walks closer to the edge of the house and when I am within arm’s length, he places his hands around my waist and helps me into his arms. Our eyes lock and his tongue glides across his bottom lip. His eyes flash down to my lips and I’m praying he kisses me.

  The intensity builds between us and I know he can feel my heart
pounding against his chest. My breathing is thick and heavy; I don’t know if it’s from my climb or just from looking into his eyes. He places his hand on the nape of my neck, holding me to him and slowly moves in for the kiss.

  I close my eyes just as his lips press against mine. I open for him, needing to taste him. He delves inside, taking everything I’m willing to give him.

  He pulls away abruptly and his eyes flash to my window. “Come on, let’s go before they notice you’re gone.” He takes my hand and we run through the night to his awaiting motorcycle.

  I wake from the dream to the same tapping on my window. I shake my head, trying to clear it of the dream, but there it is, again and again. I push myself up and walk to the window, moving back the curtain, and see him.

  My heart slams against my chest and suddenly all the emotions of my dream hit me again, love and excitement bubbling up to the surface.

  Opening the window and leaning against the frame, I cross my arms over my chest and lock eyes with him.

  God, why does he have to look so good?

  “Can we talk?” He shoves his hands in his pockets and his Adam’s apple bobs in his throat. He’s nervous. I can’t help but smile.

  “About what?”

  His head dips forward and he kicks at the dirt before bringing his eyes back to mine. “Just talk.” He shrugs.

  Might as well. “I’ll be down in a minute.”

  I start to close the window but he stops me, saying, “What? Not going to climb down to me like you used to?”

  I let out a small chuckle. “Not this time.”

  The window now closed, I walk through the house and out the back door. When the door opens, his eyes find me and he takes a deep breath.

  “You look good, Lex. Really good.” His voice is deep and husky.

  I smile. “You too.”

  He stands with his feet firmly planted shoulder-width apart, hands tucked away in his hoodie pocket. He motions with his head to the back property where we always used to go. “Go for a walk?”

  I shrug with my arms crossed over my chest but begin walking.

  We walk a good twenty yards from the house before he finally breaks the silence. “I’m sure you know what I want to talk about.” His voice is even and controlled, but I can hear the disappointment and nerves breaking through.