Mage of Shadows

by Austen, Chanel

  This semester, I had APA behind me though. School and Les kept me away for the most part, but I had gone to a few social events anyways. It was a hell of a lot better now, since Vik was always willing to Push a bartender into letting me purchase alcohol. His fee was relatively small too- I just had to buy his drinks as well. Lucky for me that I was working and could afford pay up. I wondered if my father wasn't justified in his thinking that I was drinking my life away at school. Hey, I only did it once in a while, so that made it okay, right?

  It was. I had been working so damn hard this semester it wasn't even funny. Tests and classes were dead boring and nothing really changed between reviewing for one test or another, so there wasn't much to talk about- but it was a significant portion of my day that I spent buried in some class's notes or books. I was well on track to acing all of them and really if I had to compare the magical training to my classes, my classes as a whole were harder to do well in.

  Sparring was fun, studying was not.

  "Sure." I agreed, even though finals week was lurking a few days away now. I needed a break to relax, if this morning was any indication that I had been too tightly wound up. Plus, this would be the first time that I would be taking a date with me instead of finding random drunk girls to dance with.

  Carmen gave me a winning smile and for a bit we just walked around campus hand in hand, enjoying the nice weather that had arrived along with spring. The grass grew greener every day now, happily soaking in the rain it received from the sky on an almost daily basis. Students no longer huddled in clumps and rushed to buildings, but had taken to sitting outside again, as they had before it had gotten too cold last fall, which seemed so long ago.

  I stole a glance at Carmen, then looked down at our interlocked fingers. It was strange; I hadn't even known her a year, now we were together. The first time I had seen her she was just someone to question, pretty but seemingly unattainable. Emily's death had brought us together, a collision course destined to end up here. If she hadn't died, would this have ever happened?

  It was a guilty thought. Without Emily dying, I would never be with Carmen. So… was I happy that Emily died? Not directly, but direct logic wasn't how the brain worked anyways. An overcomplicated bundle of nerves that twisted our thoughts into complex knots of reasoning and rationality. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just chance. But I was here, I was now, and Carmen was holding my hand.

  That was all that mattered to me at the end of the day.

  I hadn't noticed Eliza until she had blocked our path, and she had the determined look on her face that told me that an argument was coming and inevitable. We stopped short of her, and I felt a very awkward moment coming on. With the way our friendship had disintegrated steadily, I had given up hope of ever really patching things up with Eliza and the rest of them. I still felt a pang of regret, but the simple logic was that I never had a real choice. I had given it up the moment I turned Carmen's offer to run, all those months ago in the RT cafeteria.

  Humans want it all, but no one ever really gets everything they ever wanted, sadly. Life just didn't work like that.

  "Nick," She said, speaking to me directly for the first time in months, "Can I talk to you? Alone?" Eliza gave a pointed look to Carmen.

  "Anything you can say to her, you can say to me." I informed her shortly. Still, I felt Carmen's hand leave mine. The bond between us sadly tapered out, like a light that had its circuit broken suddenly. I felt the disconnect even after a months of closeness and a solid month and a half of dating. The constant contact between us just meant I felt that much more alone whenever we had to let go, and it felt like we always had to let go.

  "It's okay." Carmen said consolingly, "I'll wait for you." My girlfriend gave Eliza a friendly smile and walked past her. This left the two of us standing in the middle of the courtyard with relative privacy. My eyes followed Carmen and saw her take a seat on a bench in the far corner, gazing up at the sky as if what we had to say had nothing to do with her.

  Eliza shook her head at me, "I can't believe you're doing this to David."

  "Excuse me?" I asked politely, trying not to let her accusing tone bother me, "Exactly what am I doing to David?"

  "Throwing your relationship with… her… in his face!" Eliza sputtered, referring to Carmen like she was some kind of she-devil, "Honestly, I don't know what the hell is wrong with you. Every day you ignore us just because Domingo tells you to, David and Raj just let it go, like they don't even care anymore. Well I still care. I care about the fact that you're limping half the time you're walking around, always with some bruise or black eye. I care that you act like Leslie Domingo's slave. I care that Nishi and Jimmy left me too. It's like our friendship meant nothing… were you just using me after all?"

  Eliza's anger faded as her diatribe continued, transforming into a saddened rage. Her voice was a cracking sob as she finished, and I felt my own anger fade.

  "No." I replied softly, "I wasn't using you, or David, or Raj. You think I want to ignore you guys? I don't, but believe me I had no choice. That's just the way it is."

  "Quit!" Eliza pleaded, "Just quit that stupid fraternity- Nishi and Jimmy too. Why can't you just come back to us? You realize that you aren't just hurting me- David, Raj, everyone else too. We miss you guys, they just don't want to say it out loud. They feel too betrayed. Come back, Nick…"

  "I can't."

  She threw her hands up in the air and cried, "WHY NOT?!"

  I shook my head slowly, looking away from her, "…I just can't. I can't explain, I'm sorry. That's just the way it is."

  I walked past her, determinedly looking at my feet so I wouldn't have to catch her eye. I didn't want to see if she was crying. I reached Carmen moments later. She quietly reached a hand out to me, and I took it. No doubt she had heard quite a bit of that, my girlfriend hadn't been that far away.

  "Are you okay?" Carmen asked as she stood from her seat on the bench.

  "I don't know." I replied truthfully, "Not right now. Maybe I will be later. I'm just… tired, Car."

  "Alright." She responded, and tugged me forward, "Let's go, let's go home."

  She led me away, and Eliza didn't follow. I didn't turn back to see if she was still standing in the same spot, but I imagined she was. I never saw the hurt look on her face, but my mind could conjure it up easily enough anyways. We lose so much along the road of life. Death is all around us, even if it isn't in the literal sense. People don't have to die for friendships to die. Sometimes, we lose just as much to death by trying to live as best as we could for ourselves. Is it greedy, to look out for yourself even if it hurts others?

  It was a question that even now, I couldn't give a clear answer. What is life? I believe one will ever really have the perfect answer. All we can do is try to live as best as we know how. Breathe in, breathe out, continue marching forward and try to do better for yourself and hopefully others at the same time.

  March towards death. That's the end of every story.

  111

  We went to the party, even though I wasn't really feeling up to it, Carmen insisted. It had turned out much like I had expected, several long hours of drinking, dancing, and Vik making a fool of himself. Danae was summarily flirting and doted on by three different guys, Hershel broke up with Max again, and Angela actually managed to ask a battered looking Les to dance. We had urged her on, but I think it was the alcohol that really gave her the courage.

  One interesting moment happened, when I saw Vik and Nishi having what appeared to be a very serious argument in the corner of the bar that had been set up. I couldn't see what they were saying, but it was getting pretty heated. Rarely did I see Vik get angry, but when he did, he got really pissed. I watched as Jimmy finally came over and dragged Nishi away. Vik's beady gaze followed them for a moment, then he stalked away and I watched him exit just a few minutes later after talking to a bored looking Larry.

  "Wonder what that was about." I said to Carmen, who was sitting on the stool next to me. T
he music had gone down to a dull thump, low enough to have a decent conversation from where we were sitting at the moment in between dances.

  She bit her lip, then said, "It might have been about Nishi's brother."

  "Her brother?" I replied blankly, "He graduated, right?"

  Carmen looked even more uncomfortable now, "You didn't know? I thought Nishi would have told you… her brother committed suicide, Nick."

  That was news to me, "What?!" I said, shocked, "Really? Why?"

  My girlfriend shrugged and downed the drink in her hand before getting another, "I really don't know," She admitted, "I didn't know him that well. But he and Vik were pretty much best friends. Her brother, Alok, he had his issues… but not really ones that seemed too bad. Nothing that most college students don't usually go through, you know? All I really know is that at the end of the winter semester, he was dead."

  "Damn." I muttered, "Nishi never told me… why wouldn't she tell me?"

  Carmen glanced around, and drank down some more of her new beverage, a type of beer that she enjoyed, one of the only ones that I found she actually liked when it came to beer. Finishing yet another, she leaned in closer to me. Carmen was beginning to look a bit dizzy, but she had been steadily drinking all night, possibly even more than I had.

  "Nick, I didn't think about it much at the time, but… Alok was working with Professor Daniels on the Aberrant Project. Officially, he was a undergrad in his lab, but he served as Daniels' student assistant on magical projects as well."

  I digested that, "So you think that might have something to do with it? Maybe he was killed like Emily over that? But I thought the issue over the Aberrant Project didn't happen until late summer and early fall."

  "It didn't." Carmen agreed, "But this might have been something related to it. Nothing good seems to come from that stupid project. But Lincoln and Allen are obsessed with it. They went as far as killing Walsh and… and Emily."

  She looked visibly pained, but ordered yet another drink, which the bartender brought immediately. Carmen had long since Pushed him into letting her order whatever she wanted, though she was clearly underage. The benefits of being a User… of course, it didn't seem like a very good thing to me, at the moment. As soon as the beer hit the counter, the dark-eyed girl snatched it up and began to guzzle it down like she was in a race. I really started to get worried now.

  I put my hand atop of her free one, "It's alright," I said as soothingly as possible as I eyed the her third beer in five minutes, "We don't have to talk about that. Thank you for telling me."

  "I want to go home." Carmen shook her head dizzily, finally setting her drink down and closing her eyes, "I'm- it's too loud, Nick. Can we please go home?"

  "Of course." I held her hand tight and wrapped a supportive arm around her waist. I hadn't had too much to drink that night, and hadn't had a sip of alcohol in over an hour, so it left me more than cognitively present to lead my stumbling girlfriend home. When it came to holding her alcohol, Carmen was a kind of a lightweight- and she had somewhat overdone it tonight, especially in these last few minutes. I should have stopped her earlier and I was mentally kicking myself for letting her keep ordering. Some boyfriend I was.

  No matter what, I definitely couldn't leave her alone the way she was. Alcohol usually worked two ways on my girlfriend. It either left her happily dazed or it wrapped her in an intoxicated cloud of personal anguish. The misery side only happened on rare occasions such as this, but even Danae had warned me not to leave her by herself then. When even the ice-queen worried, I took it very seriously.

  Carmen had stopped along the way back to the house to throw up a couple times, and although she had gotten most of it out on the street, some of it had dribbled onto her clothes, which were apparently new. That only served to further send her into despair.

  "You didn't even notice my clothes," Carmen complained dizzily to me as I opened the door and helped her inside, "You're so clueless sometimes… you know that?"

  "I'm sorry."

  "You should be." She mumbled as I helped her through the halls and guided her up the stairs. I led her into the bathroom first, and she immediately stumbled to the toilet to continue what she had started just outside. I winced and mentally cursed myself for letting her drink so much at the party. Stupid Stratus, stupid, stupid.

  I already pushed Nishi and Vik's heated argument to the back of my mind along with Alok. Detective work was the last thing on my mind with Carmen to worry about, not to mention finals. Partying was all well and good, but I hadn't expected to stay that late, nor did I expect to have to deal with this now. I entered Carmen's room and rummaged through the drawers that I knew had her nightwear, then went back across the hall.

  "I hope you don't mind wearing the pink, because I couldn't find your-" I froze in the doorway of the bathroom. Carmen was sitting by the toilet looking quite miserable, but that wasn't what had me scared. What frightened me was the very sharp, very familiar knife that she had in her hand. If I had to place it, it looked like one of Kristen's personal combat knives. Not surprising that it was in the bathroom, the sophomore girl had a tendency to leave them lying around everywhere she went.

  "Car…" I said slowly, "What are you doing with that?" I began to walk slowly over to her.

  "Nothing," Carmen replied, head swaying slightly, though her eyes stayed focused on the knife, "Just thinking, you know? It would be really easy, really quick... I'm worthless, Nick, it should have been me anyways…"

  "Carmen, you don't know what you're saying." I assured her, reaching my hands out in an attempt to coax her to give it up, "It's alright, let's just go to bed..."

  No go, she didn't even move her eyes from the blade to look at me when I spoke, the only sign I had that she had heard me was her head beginning to shake back and forth. Carmen was mumbling under her breath, repeating the same words like a miserable mantra.

  "It should have been me… Emily was the good one… not me…"

  I could remember months ago when I met her in the Star Room for the first time and we talked about suicide. I thought she had gotten past it, but apparently not. I had cold logic dictate my actions then when she was just a friend to me, almost just an acquaintance. I didn't believe she would actually commit suicide then, so it was easy for me to let her go off on her own.

  I swallowed nervously now, eying both her and the knife. Now, Carmen was far more than an acquaintance, and this was about as depressed and despondent as I had ever seen her. If anything happened to her…

  "Give me the knife, sweetie." I said quietly, getting down on my knees in front of her, trying to draw her attention away from it as I crawled forward, "Come on, Car… let me have it."

  Tears swam unshed in her dark brown eyes when she looked at me, and it broke my heart to see her like that- so unhappy even though we were together. It honestly made me feel like shit, like I wasn't doing a proper job of being there for her.

  I'm too focused on school and training, I thought frantically, Carmen is the one who really needs me, who really needs my attention. Her roommate died, dammit… I should have been paying more attention to her even when she wasn't with me. This is my fault.

  Slowly, slowly, I crawled. In only a few more horribly long seconds I had crept across the cold tiled floor to sit in front of her with my hands just slightly outstretched. I didn't want to try and rip away the knife with magic- it could startle her into blocking me and finishing what she was obviously thinking about. Not only that, Carmen might never trust me again if I did anything so rash and over the top.

  My hands were trembling when they reached out slowly to her own, and I grasped her smaller hands gently. Twin trails of silent tears were running down her cheeks, and I wasn't surprised to find that I was blinking away tears myself.

  "Give it to me, Car." I begged again, "Please."

  Slowly, she loosed the knife from her tight knuckled grip and dropped it into my hand. I let go of the heavy breath that I hadn't knew I was holding and set
the knife onto the white tiled floor next to us, feeling relieved that she had given it up without more of a fight. Thank God, the last thing I wanted to ever do was fight with her in a situation like this.

  Carmen let out a squeaking sob and shuffled forward awkwardly to bury her face into my shoulder. I felt the wetness of her tears and the pasty rub of her damp makeup on my clothes and neck, but it didn't really bother me. I did eye the mess in the toilet bowl with no small amount of revulsion and distaste. That definitely didn't look like anything Carmen had eaten at the party- the digestive tract was equal parts fascinating and revolting.

  We sat there in that awkward position squashed between the tub and toilet for some time. Finally, I helped Carmen slowly sit on the lidded toilet, flushing away what had once taken up residence in her stomach. Her eyes were dull, and she still seemed depressingly far away. I aided her in washing up, and then led her back across the hall to her room.

  "Don't leave me." Carmen pleaded when I let go of her after situating her on the bed to get a better handle of her bundled nightwear, which I set down next to her.

  "I wasn't planning on it." I assured her gently, and I helped her out of her now ruined dark blouse, then the skirt. I remembered with some fondness the first time I had seen her in a bra and panties, and how embarrassing it had been at the time. Funny how things could change like that. I assisted her in dressing in the pink cotton pajama top and bottom that she slept in, and undid the bed.

  That done, I stripped myself and climbed in next to her, feeling quite exhausted myself after the entire ordeal. I held her close to me and waited until her breathing became calmer, steady in its cycle. She had fallen asleep easily enough to my relief. My mind could relax at last, and I finally slipped into quiet oblivion myself.