Evan's Addiction

by Sara Hess

  It was a question, and a good one. I’d started out wanting Shaw’s body. She’d progressed to being a friend. Now she’d tunneled so far under my skin I was having a difficult time figuring anything out. She left me completely strung tight and confused.

  “She doesn’t want anything to do with me.” I mused with an aggravated frown.

  “She was important enough to me that I spent weeks winning her back.” David declared, watching me curiously.

  I frowned harder. It was a good thing he’d told me he was gay or I’d think he had a thing for her.

  “Do you even know what you want from Shaw besides sex?” Nadia raised, joining the conversation.

  I growled in frustration. “I don’t just want sex from her.” I barked. “I want to be friends with her too…I want…I don’t know what else I want. She’s confusing the fuck out of me. I know I’ve never been fascinated by anyone more but she makes it difficult to get to know her because she hardly talks about herself.” She’d been starting to share though; little by little, captivating me further.

  Nadia scowled. “Well, you better be certain what you want from Shaw, because it sounds like she doesn’t need anymore disillusionment in her life.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  SHAW

  I woke up with a splitting headache, gritty eyes, and dry mouth. Worst fucking night ever. Rolling over onto my stomach I stuffed my pillow over my head. I didn’t want to be awake just yet…maybe never. I can’t believe Evan had shown up to the party last night. He had just started to not take up every single thought in my head.

  My internal voice snorted…yeah right, keep lying to yourself girl.

  The unremitting pain I’d been dealing with since that night had sharpened to a knife point all over again, slashing through my chest aiming to make me bleed out, but mercifully the assiduous burning anger was also there and had saved me. The emotions that were shredding me because of that asshole made me want to cut off his dick, put it in blender, and feed it to him. I hadn’t hurt this badly in long time…had I ever been this hurt?

  Weren’t you supposed to become immune to the pain after years of dealing with it?

  He so wasn’t worth it.

  Could someone sleep their life away? Rip Van Winkle did; why couldn’t I?

  David’s voice disturbed my eternal slumber. “Time to get up, Sleeping Beauty.”

  “Don’t want to. Sleep forever.” I grunted like a caveman.

  “Come on, Pretty Princess. I’ve got some Mocha Choco Latte for you.” He sang. The bed compressed as he sat down next to me.

  I would have rolled my eyes but it would hurt too much. “That’s so nineteen-seventies.”

  “Not the original, the remake; which was so much better.” He corrected me.

  “Remakes are never better.” I moved, and then groaned. Moving hurt.

  “That is not true. I could name dozens of remade songs and movies that are way better than the originals; there’s…”

  “Please don’t. You’re voice hurts me.” I pleaded.

  “Ouch, that hurts me.” He returned.

  I sighed. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I know.” His tone was all sympathy and that made me feel worse because I’d done something I hated myself for.

  “I’m so sorry, David.” I mumbled into the mattress.

  His hand rubbed my back. “For what, honey?”

  “I acted as if we were having sex when we weren’t. I did the one thing I hate above everything.” A sob got caught in my throat and I was really glad my face was hidden.

  His hand rubbed deeper. “You have nothing to be sorry for, Shaw. You could say I was your sub and had a foot fetish and I’d smile like I loved it.”

  “You probably do like those things.” I hiccupped.

  He chuckled. “What guy wouldn’t like a take charge lover…at least every now and then?”

  I didn’t feel better. For years guys had lied about having sex with me and I’d gone and done it myself last night. “I’m such a hypocrite.”

  “If it makes you feel better…we’re even now, and if it doesn’t make you feel better, than it makes me feel better.”

  “You were trying to protect me back then. All I’d been thinking about was myself.” I don’t know what I’d been thinking, but I hadn’t wanted Evan thinking I’d been craving him, that I was thinking about him constantly, that my heart was hurting every single day.

  “You know I had been thinking about myself just as much as you.” He argued.

  We could debate this all day. I was still a hypocrite, and I realized that I’d been holding a grudge against David because he hadn’t been perfect. Sure, he’d lied about us but he hadn’t done it maliciously. He’d been trying to protect both of us.

  I sighed and finally raised my head, and got my first look at his face. I shot up to a sitting position and then winced as my head protested. “Oh my, god. What happened to you?” David’s nose was swollen and his eyes were black and blue underneath.

  He grinned, looking proud. “Looks good, doesn’t it? I got elbowed last night, but I’m going to be telling everyone the other guy looks worse.”

  I shook my head in sympathy. “You’re such a dork, but it does give you a devil-may-care appearance.”

  His grinning, but obviously concerned, gaze ran over my face. “You look like a raccoon, and your hairs a rat’s nest.”

  After Evan had left Nadia had tried to talk to me but I’d run into the bedroom David had been letting me use since high school and locked the door. I’d whipped off my wig and started sobbing uncontrollably. I probably looked worse than him. At least I’d wiped the purple lipstick off…all over my arm.

  I was sick and tired of crying over him. I thought my tear ducts had dried up years ago but Evan seemed to have restored them.

  Pushing past the ache I quipped. “I’m going for the animal look, it’s all the rage. The wolf leer brings it all together.” I bared my teeth.

  His grin spread. “It does, it truly does.” He held out a cup that smelled like heaven.

  My eyes lit up. “You weren’t just singing.”

  “I’m here for you sister.” He winked.

  I took a sip. It wasn’t piping hot anymore, but it worked. “You’re the best.”

  “I try.”

  My lip twisted repentantly and I finally admitted. “You do…all the time. And I’m serious, you are the best; the one and only person who’s stuck with me through the thick and thin. I’m sorry I haven’t told you that sooner.” I stared at him sorrowfully.

  His face softened and his hand squeezed my arm. “Shaw, I love you like a sister. You accept me for who I am and don’t judge me…unlike other people.” He meant his parents and other family members who thought he was sin personified. David’s lifestyle wasn’t for me or anyone else to judge though.

  I sipped more of my coffee trying to settle my head, stomach, and nerves. I wasn’t used to all this personal talk.

  David grinned, probably catching on to my discomfort. He could talk personal all day. “So, fall courses are starting in two days; are you moving in permanently, which I would have no problem with, or are you heading back to your apartment? I know Carrie’s been calling you almost everyday, missing you.”

  I missed her too. I’d been avoiding her for the three weeks I’d been staying with David, not wanting to discuss Evan. She wouldn’t have pestered me about him, but I knew she would have been throwing concerned and pitying looks at me every time she saw me. I couldn’t deal with that. I still didn’t want to deal with it but I wasn’t cutting her from my life because of it.

  “I’m going back, but thanks for the offer. Rosie will be happy to get home; she’s still skittish being in a new place.” I patted the mound under the covers next to me. She’d been burrowing under my blankets a lot lately. I got a meow in response and her head peeked out. Pulling her the rest of the way out I set her in my lap, stroking her till she got comfy.

  David reached out an
d scratched behind her ears. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”

  Tensing, I looked at him beneath my lashes.

  “This guy last night…”

  I broke in tersely. “David, I’d rather not talk about it.”

  His face fell and I felt terrible. We used to share so much; he’d been my one and only true confidant, but it had been difficult for me to go back to what we had after overhearing him and those other guys talking about me. It had felt like he’d stabbed me in the back…several dozen times.

  After last night and my hypocritical behavior I finally let the last of my bitterness go. I missed what we used to be.

  I laid my hand on his arm. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Maybe when it doesn’t…hurt so badly.” That had been hard to get out. Admitting that I had been hurt by Evan was admitting he’d been significant to me. I didn’t want to acknowledge that.

  A sympathetic, hopeful half-smile crossed his face. “Okay.”

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  “I’m so glad you’re back. I missed you.” Carrie hugged me tightly, and I patted her on the back awkwardly, still not fully at ease with showing affection by touch. Growing up I don’t remember ever being hugged or comforted. There had only been pats on the head and back…like a fucking dog.

  All that touching with Evan flashed in my mind, but that hadn’t been affection, it had been about sex. Rebellious heat flared in my body recalling everything we’d done, followed by pain and rage. I wondered achingly how long before my body and mind forgot him.

  “I missed you too,” I admitted openly. “But you told me Samantha got here two weeks ago and I know you two have been keeping each other busy.” Samantha was Carrie’s cousin, Blake’s sister, and she was a freshman this year at UVA.

  Carrie’s expression lit up. “Yeah, we have. It’s going to be great being able to spend more time with her.” But then her face sobered and she gave me that concerned look I’d been dreading. “Are you doing okay though? Do want to talk about anything?”

  This was the problem with people who saw therapists; they were taught that talking about your problems fixed them. The fact that Carrie saw a therapist didn’t bother me. With everything she’d been through I’m sure it helped her, but I was fine not spilling my feelings. I had other ways of releasing the shit inside me; I bit back, and I got revenge. It was healing in its own way.

  “I’m fine, Carrie.” I let Rosie out of her carrier and she raced out and jumped instantly for her favorite window. She was happy to be home. “Staying at David’s was like a mini vacation; he waited on me by the pool everyday wearing his tight little banana hammock.” I smiled winningly.

  She smiled back tentatively. “That sounds nice.”

  “Actually, that sounds revolting.” Nic voiced from the couch.

  “Nic.” I acknowledged guardedly, moving further into the apartment carrying my suitcase.

  He gave me nod watching me fixedly. “Shaw.”

  Being around him now was going to be uncomfortable. He was good friends with Evan, and who knows what they talked about? My spine stiffened and I narrowed my eyes on him before moving toward my bedroom. Slinging my case on my bed I opened it and pulled out my clothes. I’d washed them at David’s so I only had to put them away. While I was doing that Nic appeared in the doorway.

  My mouth tightened. “What?”

  He frowned at me. “Do the two of us need to deal with anything?”

  “I don’t know, do we?” I asked belligerently. All I could think about was him and Evan chit-chatting about me and my attributes. It made me hot with anger and humiliation.

  “Not from my end. You have a problem with Evan, and unless you want my help I won’t interfere.” He leaned against the doorframe seeming to wait on my decision.

  Where was Carrie? Had he asked her for a minute with me?

  I narrowed my eyes on him not sure what he was trying to say to me. I turned to hang up my shirts. “What do you mean? I don’t need any help.”

  “I’ve never known Evan to mistreat a girl. In fact, he was always the nicest among us, but if he did something to upset you I can make him hurt.”

  My brows shot up at Nic’s offer. Was he actually offering to beat up his friend on my behalf? Why would he do that? “Is this about me working for you; afraid I won’t?” I derided.

  Nic straightened with a scowl. “Shaw, this is about you being a friend, and even though Evan is also a friend, one friend hurting another isn’t kosher.”

  Huh? Maybe he was being truthful. “What did Evan tell you?” I had to know.

  “He didn’t tell me anything. He hasn’t told any of us anything. Said it was between you and him.”

  My shock increased. Evan hadn’t told anyone that we slept together. They had to suspect with the way we’d left the party, maybe even asked, but he’d kept mum.

  Why?

  This whole thing was twilight zone from what I was used to.

  I shrugged away the bewilderment. What Evan had said in that bed had been clear; all he’d wanted was a sure thing, but at least he was keeping his mouth shut about it.

  “What you do to Evan is up to you. I don’t want anything else to do with him.” Turning away to rummage in my suitcase I couldn’t stop the bitterness from seeping into my voice. I just hope Nic didn’t hear the pain there as well.

  Nic’s gaze burned into my back. “Evan did say he doesn’t know what he did to upset you, and if he could fix it he would.”

  Could he make it so that night never happened, or erase all that time we spent together, stop my heart from softening towards him. “I already told him once; stupid is hard to fix.”

  Sadly, I wasn’t sure if I was referring to his stupidity or my own.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  First day back and I had already been approached and verbally molested twice. Damn Ford. Didn’t the ass have anything better to do? I guess I needed to keep him occupied better. Damn men, they were freaking sex retarded morons. It explained why our government was so fucking screwed up.

  Fuming, I unlocked my bike and sped off for the cafeteria, exorcising my irritation on the pedals. Five minutes later I stormed into the dining hall and snatched up a tray. Grabbing a salad and tuna sandwich I flashed my card and took an empty table by the window. It was too hot to sit outside. Carrie and David were supposed to be meeting me for lunch but weren’t here yet.

  I was staring out the window plotting different types of revenge when someone sat down next to me. I expected to see Carrie or David, but froze in dismay at the sight of Evan.

  What was he doing here? He’d graduated, and he had a job. The business suit he was wearing said he should be at said job. The smile on his face might be sending him to the morgue though.

  He leaned in close, amber eyes fixed intently on me. “Hey Shaw. Did you know that when God made you he was showing off?”

  I stared at him in amazed wretchedness. Was he seriously that dim-witted to think we could go back to that? All I wanted was to forget he ever existed and heal, but he kept popping up. Since anything I said would be feeding into his neurosis I went back to looking out the window and ignoring him. If only it could be as easy as it was in my head.

  He sighed. “Yeah, that was pretty lame. I can do better. How about; you’re beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.”

  I growled around my bite of sandwich. Was he mocking me, because his lines were generally more sexual? These were still lines, but they sounded more like poetry.

  He kept talking. “These are too nice, aren’t they? They’re absolutely true, but they’re throwing you off your game. I must be speaking a different language. Are you Jamaican? Because Jamaican me crazy.”

  Pain and anger surged and I speared him with a glare. “You’re not going to get anywhere with me so why don’t you go find your next calendar girl and get on her list of potential suspects for her next pregnancy scare.”

  Evan’s face blanched and he winced.
“God, Shaw, just stab me with a knife why don’t you.”

  I stabbed at my salad snarling down at it. “If I had one I would, but all I have is this damn plastic fork.”

  He sighed. “I’m so incredibly sorry about forgetting protection. I’ve never gone without a condom so I’m clean, but I was so crazy for you that night…Hell, I’m still crazy for you.”

  My chest walls compressed wanting to believe he meant that with his heart and not his dick. “If you can’t control your crazy dick you shouldn’t let it out.” I mumbled down into my plate.

  There was a slight hesitation from him before he answered. “Though you do make my dick crazy, that wasn’t what I was referring to. It’s my emotions that go haywire when you’re around, or whenever I think of you, which is all the time.”

  Evan and his words…he was damn good with them. My appetite was gone and my eyes were stinging. I couldn’t do this. Standing up I rushed away, and thankfully he didn’t follow.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  “How many years can I get for killing my mom? There has to be some precedent where a daughter was given a pardon because the homicide was completely justified.” Samantha slammed her tray of food down on the table and plopped her butt just as hard in her seat.

  “She still bugging you to rush that Sorority?” Carrie asked with sympathy.

  “Yes. She won’t leave it alone, says she had the best time of her life as a member when she was one, and that it would look good for job references. The only people who would care is her Country Club jerks. I don’t want to join that stinking Sorority. I have other interests and they don’t involve hazing, getting drunk, and screwing Frat boys.”