Never Have I Ever

by Clearwing, August

  I sat towards the end of the table, beside Chloe and across from Anya. No one was sitting to my right at the head of the table, though Declan had made it a point to take charge and claim a seat at the other end just to feel like he could emcee the whole thing.

  Since my period ended I went back to Noah’s original demand that I use the toys. Thursday was an off day. Only the vibe was in place. It was on its lowest setting but it still made me self-conscious. And randy. Especially in a skirt. Though I was used to the feeling of the soft vibrations in me it still frustrated me since I hadn’t been allowed to come at all. One small point of relief came in the form of cushioned chairs. Otherwise, the wood would’ve been the death of me. Everyone would’ve noticed the buzzing against it.

  I hadn’t heard from him in two days. It began to worry me. I found myself staring down at my phone on more than one occasion, wondering if I should try to call him. It was after eight o’clock in California which meant it was nearly dawn in France. I decided to send a simple text: Sorry if this wakes you. Just wanted you to know I wish you were here.

  “That’s the eighth time you’ve checked your phone in fifteen minutes,” Anya teased from across the table. “It has a ringtone for a reason.”

  I looked up at her and darkened the screen. “You’re right. Sorry.”

  She sighed and bit the straw in her Mojito. Through partially closed teeth she said, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, huh?”

  “Longest. Three. Weeks. Ever,” I groaned. “And it’s not over yet. He’s not due back until Monday.”

  Anya laughed. The air pressurized through the straw and sent her drink bubbling for a second. “You’re so cute when you’re smitten.”

  “Shut up and get drunk,” I chided. I raised my glass of Jack and Coke towards her.

  “Cheers to that, lady!”

  As we touched glasses someone said, “Is there room for one more?”

  That was Noah’s voice. When I looked up, he was standing in the doorway to my right with one hand in his pocket. He wore a scaled-down version of a suit, only the tie and jacket were missing. The top two buttons on his red shirt were undone. He also looked completely disheveled from jetlag which led me to believe he arrived fresh off the plane.

  On seeing my face light up, he smiled. “Surprise.”

  “Holy shit,” said a disbelieving Anya.

  “You’re back!” I rushed from the table, the chair scraping out in protest as I cast it aside to run to him. I had to almost stand on the tips of my toes to wrap my arms around his neck and held on as tight as I could. Noah was not overly tall, but at two inches or so under six feet it was still a bit of a reach for my five foot five frame.

  He exhaled as if every problem in the world just released its collective grasp on him as he held me close. “I missed you, sweetness,” he whispered.

  “I missed you too, Sir,” I replied.

  After he released me, Noah pulled his phone from his pocket. “Oh, hey, look at that,” he said. He flipped the screen around to me so I could see my last text to him. “Wish granted.”

  I grinned. “Not that I’m complaining, but you’re four days early. What happened?”

  “Let’s just say I had an incredible incentive to maximize my productivity in the least amount of time possible.”

  Suddenly Declan was beside us. “That’s Noah Code for ‘I worked my ass off and got no sleep for you’ you know.”

  I reached over and gave his arm a light smack. “Yeah Declan, I got that.”

  “Glad you could make it, man.”

  “Wouldn’t have missed it for the world,” Noah said. He was staring straight at me.

  I pointed back and forth between them. “So you two planned this, huh?”

  Declan failed at looking innocent as he poorly denied the accusation, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Right.”

  He clapped his hands together once for emphasis. “Well! Now that everyone’s here we can finally get this party started.”

  “I have a bad feeling about those words,” Noah cautioned.

  “Next round’s on me, dude.”

  “In that case,” Noah stepped out of the doorway and flared his arm out towards the bar. “After you.”

  “Thought as much!”

  Once Declan had gone I looked back to Noah. “You look like death warmed over.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Is it that obvious?”

  “Afraid so. Shouldn’t you go home and get some sleep?”

  “If I do that I won’t hear the end of it from him. Besides, I came back early to see you and that is exactly what I intend to do.” He kissed my forehead. “Right after I help Declan with his arsenal of alcohol. Back in a minute.”

  “Yes, Sir,” I replied with a smile.

  While I finished off my Jack and Coke, the men gathered up another round of drinks to toast with. Declan stood at the head of the table and raised his glass to make his speech about how proud he was of his friends and that, once all of us were rich and famous doctors and lawyers and scientists, he hoped we didn’t forget him. Not that that was possible; Declan was not an easily forgettable guy. I also wasn’t planning on leaving California in the near future for an extended period of time, so at least he didn’t have to worry about me abandoning him. Sarah also seemed content in the greater L.A. area. Plus Declan and Sarah were shaping up to be a very cute couple however casual Declan appeared to seem about it.

  The toast concluded and the drinking was complimented by a series of tavern food consisting of all the most innutritious food one could possibly fathom. Fish n’ Chips, fried pickles, mini burgers and Buffalo wings were among the fattening delights. I was so guilty half way through the meal that I resolved to eat nothing but salad for the rest of the week. When I accosted Declan about his choice in food, he tried to claim that pickles were at least a vegetable, to which I quickly asserted that after something is fried it loses all points in the It’s Healthy For You column.

  Tonight was not a night that I wanted to drink to the extent that Declan wished of me. Since Noah returned early, I had a strong suspicion he would want to spend some quality time together. I know I did. I hoped he was not too tired to, anyhow. The way he kept eyeing me all evening in the lulls between conversations and healthy banter amongst the group led me to believe he was of a similar school of thought. I wasn’t about to let the haze of a drunken stupor hinder my enjoyment of the night.

  Come midnight everyone began to call it quits. Even Sarah bailed on us early. She had an interview with a law firm in downtown L.A. the next morning. Early on both Noah and I had switched from alcohol to water and iced tea. We chatted with Declan, Anya and Chloe until last call.

  We said our goodbyes outside the pub and when Noah offered to take me with him I of course agreed.

  As we meandered towards the parking garage where he left his car, I asked, “You’re good to drive right?”

  “Oh I’m fine. Didn’t you notice my two drink maximum considering I’ve had grand total of five hours of sleep in two days?” He gave a short laugh and added suggestively, “Not that I’m planning on getting much sleep tonight, either.”

  “It’s the lack of sleep I’m more concerned about.”

  “When you’re in the car I will take every precaution to keep you safe. If I wasn’t fine to drive I wouldn’t.”

  That was not the case upon our first meeting, though I didn’t bring that particular aspect up. I berated myself for letting him drive me that night now. Not that I wasn’t grateful for what it turned into, but had I been in possession of all of my faculties at the time I never would’ve allowed it to happen as neither of us was in any condition to drive back then.

  “I really did miss you,” I said, “Thank you for coming back early. Though, I sort of feel bad you wore yourself out in the process.”

  “Then I’ll just have to find a way to make you wake me up won’t I?”

  Even though everything started to sett
le back into some level of comfort with him beside me again, the ominous discussion I had with Anya and Declan when he was absent hung over me. That coupled with the message I received from Ethan clawed at me a bit more than it should have. How was it, after all I’d unearthed in the past month, that there was still a sliver of doubt in my mind? Why had he not shared his secret with me himself yet?

  When we neared his car in the garage, he asked, “Why do you look worried?”

  “I’m not worried really. I’m conflicted.”

  He tugged at my arm until I stopped and faced him. “Talk to me, sweetness.”

  “That,” I said as I glanced at his hand on my bicep. The pet names, the subtle gestures, the signs of his growing power over me; all of it clawed against me at the same time it melted me. “That right there. I can’t help but think there’s something wrong with me for wanting this sort of thing. For wanting you the way I do. For wanting to submit myself completely when in reality we’ve only just met. It doesn’t seem natural for any human being to want to dive into this so fast.”

  Noah gave a quirk of a smile. “I’m sensing an addendum to that moment of clarity.”

  He knew me so well already it was frightening. “I’m afraid of liking this too much. Am I broken? Ordinary people—”

  “No,” he cut me off with a shake of his head and a little gentle encouragement, “Jesus Christ Piper, no, you aren’t broken. Not by a long shot. Those ordinary people with their ordinary lives can go straight to Hell. Neither of us—you most of all—should give a damn about them. What have the ordinary people whose approval you so crave ever done for you?”

  Fair question; and it took some thought. In reality most of my life had been one series of fuck-ups after the other. My mom died when I was seven. It wasn’t until I went off to college that I finally forgave her for leaving me before she could teach me the secrets of becoming a woman. My father has a brilliant mind. He could’ve been the greatest chemist in New York except that after mom, he grew a new found love for cars and never looked back. Going from a chemist to a mechanic was a strange leap, but my dad proved himself the best damned mechanic he could be. In the end I believe it was his twisted way of coping with my mother’s death.

  Because of his love affair with the automobile and my mother’s absence, I taught myself everything I know. Sure, my dad supported me from a distance, but ultimately it boiled down to my own drive to get as far away from the east coast as possible. There were no aunts or uncles or even cousins for that matter that cared, and no teacher would take me under their wing outside the classroom for fear of the establishment.

  As far as my social life was concerned it hit me that the small group of people at dinner that night had been the only people I ever truly considered friends. Most of them were far from ordinary.

  “The answer you’re looking for is nothing,” Noah said after the long beat of my silence. “Everything that you currently have going for you in your life you did yourself. Nobody else took the tests for you, passed the classes for you, or worked their asses off in the field for you. You did. And you did it extraordinarily well. You’re entitled to live your life the way you want to.” He lowered his voice, the milk chocolate words dripping with scheming intent, “Especially if that means giving yourself to me in the process.”

  I shot him a purposefully coy glance. “You really are beside yourself about that.”

  “Absolutely.”

  That was good to know. At least we were both on the same page. I thought of little else since meeting him and I began to wonder if I was just as much of a distraction to him as he was to me. Based on his reaction I would have to say so.

  Noah balled his hand into a fist between us and drew it open slowly as he said, “There’s this—this brilliant fire, like the heart of a newborn star, blazing away in you. No ordinary person can utilize that power even if they could imagine it.”

  The analogy curled up in my soul and nested there. “Brush up on your physics metaphors while in Paris did you, Sir?”

  “No, that one came to me all on my own,” he said with sly pride. He pushed me the two feet it took until my back was against the wall of the deserted parking garage only a few steps away from his car, and pinned his forearm beside my head. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

  I wet my lips and stared up at him a moment. They were pretty and near perfect words that I would have liked to have thought were not at all wrong. I answered tentatively, “The core temperature of that newborn star reaches several million kelvins you know. It’s a hot, hot heat.”

  “Which is why it takes someone with the right skills to bend all that beautiful energy to their will; the star would have to allow it.”

  I was ready to be devoured by his eyes, by his touch. For the life of me, he wouldn’t touch me. Apart from our shared embrace at Tannigan’s and one or two brief instances like the subtle grip on my arm or his hand at the small of my back he hadn’t given me the kind of touch I grew used to when we were together before. He just hovered above me now, leaning in and teasing me with the smell of peppermint cologne and the lingering cigarette smoke clinging to his shirt.

  I swallowed hard as my eyes darted between his. “What if you got burned?”

  “If you were going to burn me, my pet, it would have been while I was away. You would have taken the money Ethan offered you.”

  All ability to breathe was lost. Surprise etched itself across my face at his knowing about the check. “How did—”

  He rolled his eyes in a grand gesture and tried to play it off like it was no big deal. “We spy on each other a lot. It was only a matter of time before he figured out what you are to me.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “What I am to you?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what is that, exactly?”

  “Someone very important. Granted, I hoped it would take much longer for him to piece it together.”

  I had wondered how Ethan found out where I lived so quickly. The thought of being spied on by his brother did little favor to ease my mind about the entire thing.

  “There’s a lot of that speed thing going around lately isn’t there?”

  “Yes, there is,” he said.

  “So, you’re not mad about the check?”

  “That’s a very stupid question.”

  “Then please provide a stupid answer, Sir.”

  He sighed in mock drama and said, “Yes, Piper. Yes, I’m alight with anger that you failed to cash a quarter million dollar check from my jealous overbearing brother because you have the audacity to think there’s more to this world than money. I’m sorely disappointed in you for the glaring oversight you seem to have made when you thought that cold hard cash doesn’t buy happiness.” He paused to suppress a smile. “Satisfied?”

  I nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

  Noah chuckled. “What did you do with it anyway?”

  The words were a little hesitant as they left my mouth, “I tore it up and sent it back to him with a message saying I didn’t base my judgments of people solely on the contents of their wallet. More or less.”

  “Ooh, he’ll love that. Congratulations. I think you’ve just made an enemy for life.”

  In all seriousness I asked, “Is this something I should worry about?”

  After a moment he said, “Not at all.”

  “What’s his damage anyway?”

  “I really don’t want to talk about Ethan anymore right now.”

  I reached up to touch his face since I grew tired of waiting for him to touch mine. He grasped my hand and lowered it to my side, though he didn’t let go. For a while we just stood there, me pressed up against a grimy off-gray sort of concrete wall stained with the exhaust fumes of a hundred thousand vehicles and him pinning me there without actually pinning me there like a shark that almost, but not quite, felt remorse for its very existence, as if to give me an out. He searched my face while his was stoic; not betraying a single emotion of his own through thick skin.

  In all that ti
me I fell frozen. If he wanted to give me an out, I wasn’t going to take it. I hoped whatever he saw in my expression told him that. I hoped that my act of defiance against Ethan’s will when I ripped up the check told him I intended to go nowhere. It was never about the money. It was about the connection and the discovery of someone who wanted to discover me just as much as I wanted to discover him. And my list of Nevers.

  My voice was meeker than I hoped when I admitted, “I was scared these past few weeks.”

  “Me too,” Noah said.

  “Still am,” I whispered.

  “Me too,” he confessed. Then he smiled. A big, ridiculous, real and handsome smile that could not be stopped come Hell or high water. “Isn’t it an astounding feeling?”

  “Yeah,” I breathed the word between a light laugh. “Yeah, it really is.”

  I couldn’t imagine that someone as put-together as Noah was would ever be afraid a day in his life let alone be afraid of what we had between us. Or of losing it. He radiated confidence like I never saw before in anyone. He always appeared so sure of himself. The revelation of his mutual fears made me feel exceptionally better about my own apprehension. Now was not the time, but before the night was over I felt the desperate need to tell him about my conversation with Declan and Anya. It was important that I know what to expect if the worst happened.

  Noah’s hand was at my cheek then. He brushed his thumb across my bottom lip. It was such a simple, subtle, and effective display of his complete ownership of me.

  “I plan on being deliciously cruel to you tonight,” he told me.

  Two and a half weeks without him had damned near driven me to insanity. My voice was barely an audible, trembling sigh as I said, “Please, please do.”

  “Mmm, I like it when you beg.”

  “My apartment’s right down the road you know.”

  I said that a little too fast.

  “I won’t suffer the drive,” he said just as quick.

  With the grace of a cat, Noah was on me. A surge of power leapt from him and in one fluid motion he pinned me to the hood of his car a few paces away. His left hand cradled the back of my head so I wouldn’t smack it against the hood. The delectable taste of dread and elation blended somewhere deep inside of me. He pushed my legs apart enough so he could stay between them, half standing and half lying on top of me. His hand slithered down my hip, under the hem of my skirt and brushed his fingers across the soft skin of my inner thigh.