by Rose, Willow
Chapter 26
“What is wrong with you today Howahkan?” Aiyana’s mother asked. “You seem a little off. Your singing is not as beautiful as normal.”
I stared at the woman who looked like she was twenty-five and exhaled deeply. I had just played the new song for the whole family, but she was right. I hadn’t felt it like I used to.
“Is something bothering you?” she asked.
“I guess I am a little upset about this whole med school thing,” I said.
She nodded. “I understand. I would be upset, too. This world and its institutions. You’re a free spirit, Howahkan. You should live like one.”
I sighed. “It’s not always that easy,” I mumbled. “Sometimes you have to go do the sensible thing. Every day can’t be a party, you have to study and work too. You have to be responsible.” It was terrible, I heard myself sound just like my father.
Wyanet looked at me as if I had gone mad. “Nonsense,” she said.
I looked at her with fury. How could she say that? It made me think that Heather had been right about her. She was just a crazy hippie. Her approach to life was like that of an irresponsible child.
“Oh,” she said and tilted her head while looking at me. “The spirit of anger just came upon your face. I could see how it just changed. You’re mad about something.”
I looked at Aiyana who was sitting in front of me. I felt so confused. She grabbed my hand and held it. I felt her warmth through my body like a quiver. How I loved her. So deeply, so dearly. Why had I been listening to those things Heather said? Why had I taken them in and believed them to be real? I knew my love, I knew her. They weren’t horrible people. They were misunderstood, resented because their ways were different.
“Be careful not to lose your faith, Howahkan,” the mother continued. “Don’t lose what you believe in, don’t lose the child within you that believes in the magic around you. It is what makes you so beautiful, it is what makes your singing so beautiful. Hold on to it, don’t give in. Don’t let yourself be conformed to this world. These years that you face now are the ones where you walk from childhood to adulthood. They are so essential to how the rest of your life will be. Don’t end up bitter and angry like the rest of them. You’re better than that.” She put a hand on my chest. “The battle is taking place in here,” she said. “Guard your heart with all you’ve got. Don’t let bad emotions like bitterness, jealousy, resentment and anger take root inside of you. It will eat you alive.”
I nodded. I knew she was right. How could I have thought those things about these nice people that had been like a family to me? It was here in this house I felt at peace, it was here I felt at home. It was here I had found the comfort I hadn’t felt since my mother died.
I picked up the guitar again and started playing with all of my heart. This time, the notes floated beautifully in the air as I sang of my love to Aiyana, the woman of my dreams, the woman who held the keys to my heart.
Next morning my article was in the paper. I went to get several issues of The St. Augustine Record at the newspaper stand, then I bought a cup of coffee and drank it while reading. I truly enjoyed what they had done with it. The article had turned out really good and the pictures were splendid. They had put them exactly like I wanted them, as a series of photos showing the hunting predator attacking an alligator. This would definitely make people talk, I thought happily as I drove back to the house. Jim was supposed to come later in the afternoon so I wanted to catch up on some of my reading. If I was to become a doctor, I wanted to be a damn good one. I had been thinking about it all night and decided to make the best of it. I had decided that they were all right. They all made excellent points. But in the end, the decision was mine. My future was my own. It was important to have an education so I had something to fall back on if my singing never amounted to anything. But it was also important for me to stay true to who I was and keep playing my music. I was going to try and make a demo tape with my songs and send it to a recording studio. They would surely reject me, but I would keep trying and writing more songs. That would keep me sane through med school. And if it never worked out? Then I would just marry Aiyana and settle down as a pediatrician or as a doctor working in a children’s hospital. In that way, it made sense to me to become a doctor. I didn’t want to be one just like my father. I wanted to do it differently. This way I would be taking care of someone and it wasn’t all about the money. I might even be able to play my guitar for them and give them a joyful time that could make them forget about their suffering for just a few minutes. There were plenty of opportunities this way. And the best part was that I got to be close to Aiyana. By going to med school I could stay in the country and live with the Kirks until I was able to support myself. I would see Aiyana every day and spend time on the weekends with her and her family even if I had to do it secretly. She was worth it.
So that was the plan I had made for myself, but of course plans have a way of getting spoiled. In my case they became completely demolished.
First push in direction of obliteration of my plans - and me along with them - was given to me by Heather. I was sitting in the yard playing my guitar and singing while the medical books lay untouched on the table in front of me as she came home. She slammed the front door and called my name.
“Chris! Where are you?”
I could hear it in her voice. She was angry. More than that. She was fuming. “In the backyard by the pool,” I yelled back and braced myself for her.
A few seconds later she stood by my side. Her ivory skin had turned pinkish. She had the newspaper in her hand and threw it at me. “What the hell is this?” she asked.
I picked up the paper and saw my picture and the article I had written. “My article?”
“Did you write this piece of crap?” she asked.
“Yes, I did. Something wrong with that?” I asked.
She stomped her feet on the tiles. “What’s wrong with you? How could you do this? How could you write such a thing?”
“I am not sure I am following you,” I said.
“You have been out there in the swamps and seen the jaguar?”
“Yes. That’s what I wrote about.”
“And now it is your friend? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Have you gone mad? You don’t become friends with a predator that tried to kill you and your friends.” She was yelling loudly now.
“It saved my life. I told you that. It dragged me out of the water and killed the alligators that were attacking me. Why shouldn’t I be friends with it? I owe my life to it.”
She stomped her feet again in anger. It was getting slightly amusing. “Relax,” I said.
“That’s it. You’ve finally lost it,” she said and sat in a chair next to me. “People are talking, you know.”
“And what exactly are they saying that is so bad?” I took a sip of the soda I had on the table. It had been on the table too long and was warm. I put it down and looked at her. Even when she was angry she was still gorgeous.
“They are talking about you, Chris. They say you are going crazy.”
“Who are they?” I asked. I knew it was provoking but I started strumming on the guitar. I had been so happy holding it in my arms again, until Heather had come home.
“They are everybody Chris. They are the neighbors, our friends, my father’s colleagues, everybody that knows who we are. They say you’ve lost it. That you went to this woman’s home and told her you knew something about her, that a horrible accident was going to happen to her or something. That voices in your head told you to confront her. That you acted like a crazy person and they had to throw you out. And now this article? I just talked to Jim. He is beyond furious. He does not understand how you’ve been close to that animal without telling him. You know he has been out there night after night searching for it. And all this time you have known where to find it?”
I shrugged. “I didn’t want him to find my jaguar. He knows I don’t want him to kill it.”
He
ather snorted. “Your jaguar? Now it is yours? It's those women right? They have done something to you. They have changed you. They have told you stuff. That’s it. You have to stop going there. You have to stop seeing that girl. She is ruining your life. Can’t you see it? Can’t you see how different you are?”
I stopped playing and leaned towards Heather. “You hardly know me, Heather. How can you say I have changed? Yes, I have changed. I died out there in those swamps. I died and came back. That sort of thing changes a man. It has nothing to do with Aiyana and her family. All they have done is to listen to me when I needed someone to talk to about it. It’s more than I can say about you.”
Heather got up from her chair with a deep sigh. “Very well, I can tell that you do not intend to stop seeing that girl.”
“That’s damn right,” I said.
“But you can’t stop me from telling my parents about this. Mother will be home from the hospital tomorrow and then you’ll either tell her or I will. They will not be supportive of you being with that girl. That's certain. Then we'll see whether you get to stay here or not. And if they will still pay for your education or not. No education, no visa and you'll have to go home."
Chapter 27
No more than five hours passed before the next severe blow fell - the one that pushed me over the edge into complete devastation. I had spent all of the afternoon in my room working on a new song since Jim in his rage had decided to not turn up for our tutoring appointment. It was another love song for Aiyana, but I had a hard time finding the right words and kept messing up the notes. I exhaled and looked out the window at the Intracoastal water. A dolphin was chasing fish moving extremely fast in the water, creating splashes into the air. It was idyllic living like this with that kind of nature right outside my window, and I really enjoyed it. But something was bothering me. Something other than the prospect of being possibly thrown out of the house and maybe having to go back to Denmark and leave the woman I loved behind because I couldn't afford living on my own in Florida even if my father had paid for the year of school. Something that made it impossible for me to write or compose anything, something that disturbed me deeply and caused an anxious feeling inside of me; I hadn’t seen Aiyana all day and she hadn’t made any attempt to get in contact with me like she used to. We had made no plans for the day and it was late in the afternoon now. I was becoming increasingly afraid that I wouldn’t get to see her at all that day. It made me feel sick, lovesick you might even call it. The thing is, I needed her. I needed to be around her. Without her I felt lost. She was the only thing on my mind from the very moment I opened my eyes till I shut them again at night. And even then she was still there as I would dream about her every night.
I breathed deeply. This had to be love, I thought. And I had completely lost control over it, lost control over me, my actions and my emotions. It was terrifying and new to me. But I had, little by little, come to enjoy the feeling of letting go. I liked the feeling of loving another person so deeply it became almost painful. It was like everything before I met her now meant nothing to me. Every minute I spent without her meant absolutely nothing and was merely time that I had to endure while waiting for her to show up in my life again and make me complete.
Since I couldn’t stand even being in the same house as Heather, I decided to take fate into my own hands and pay the neighbors a visit. Even if Aiyana wasn’t home I wanted to go and be in a house of laughter and joy. I needed it desperately.
It was Halona who opened the door. She was wearing her big green hat with the peacock feather that I had seen her wearing when she was hosting her tea party in the yard. She looked at me with her big brown eyes and I spotted sadness in them for the first time.
“What? Nothing floating today?” I joked with a smile. “No cups or dolls?”
In the background I heard a voice. It was the most delightful sound in the world to me and it immediately made me shiver in anticipation. Aiyana came towards the door. “Who is it?” she sang.
A scent of subtle jasmine perfume preceded her as she walked towards us. When she moved you knew she was conscious of her beauty and grace. She had a languorous air about her that induced tranquility in me, it calmed me just to look at her and I forgot my worries instantaneously. She was the kind of woman that aroused in man the ancestral instinct for protecting, for possessing, for owning. Her smile was disarming, her gaiety soothing for my soul. How I had ever lived without her I could no longer comprehend.
“Please leave us,” she said to Halona, and the little girl took one last glance at me before she turned her back at us and disappeared without making a sound.
“She is so quiet,” I said. “You were so right about her. Her subdued nature makes you want to have her attention even more. You want to make her laugh or be the one to make her talk again.”
Aiyana closed the door and came outside. “Let’s sit down,” she said and pointed towards the couch on the porch.
My heart was pounding in my chest. It wasn’t like I knew something bad was about to happen, it was more a feeling, an anxiety that slowly spread inside of my veins and made my blood boil with fear. I was stuttering when I spoke and it felt as if my hands were shaking, but when I looked at them they were completely still. It was all inside of me, in my head. Why do you always do this to yourself? Why do you always assume something bad is going to happen? Why do you assume the worst? So what if she looks a little sad? So what if Halona seemed dispirited as well. It could be anything. Maybe one of their cats died. For crying out loud. Would you stop thinking depressing thoughts!
Aiyana put her hand in mine and held it for a few seconds. Her eyes were avoiding mine. A small tear escaped and she stopped it with a slender finger. Was she crying? The very thought of my always joyful and cheerful Aiyana should have anything to be sad about or worry about filled me with misery. My need for protecting her was aroused immediately and I grabbed her and held her close. I could hear her heartbeat or was it my own? I was immediately filled with desolation; I couldn’t bear to see her like this. Not Aiyana who always laughed.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. “What’s the matter? Did something happen? Is everybody okay?”
She lifted her head in pride.
“Tell me what is going on,” I continued. “I want to be there for you.”
She exhaled and looked directly at me. That was when I realized this wasn’t a cat that had died or something that had happened to anyone else. She was crying for what was about to happen to me. “I’m sorry, Christian,” she started.
I swallowed a big lump. It felt like my entire heart was in my throat. “Sorry? Sorry for what?”
“I don’t want to hurt those beautiful blue eyes,” she continued. “I really don’t.”
I let go of her hand and pulled away, my heart was threatening to explode in my chest. I felt like I was suffocating. “Then don’t,” I stuttered, gasping to find words and breathe at the same time. “Please don’t.”
“I’m sorry,” she repeated.
I sighed while I desperately pulled my hair back with my hand. “Can’t you just please tell me what is going on here?” I got up from the couch and turned my back at her. I knew perfectly well what was going on, I just needed to hear her say it.
“It’s for your own good, Christian. You love me too much.”
I was hyperventilating, gasping for air, trying to force the growing anger to keep down. I was not going to lose it in front of her. I bit my lips hard and turned around. “Is it because of what happened at the pool area yesterday? ‘Cause I can stop doing that. You just make me so crazy for you, I want you so bad it hurts sometimes.”
“I know, Christian, but that is not why we can’t see each other anymore.”
There they were. The words I had dreaded the most in the world coming from her lips. “Then why are you doing this?” My voice came off desperate and needy and I really didn’t want it to be, but I couldn’t help it. I was both. “Why? We are perfect together. We love each ot
her more than life itself. Give me one good reason why we shouldn’t be together?”
Aiyana exhaled and looked at me. “I’m getting married.”
“You’re getting married?” Again I had to gasp for air. The feeling of suffocation had taken over. This meant there was no way I could win her back? A simple excuse or a promise to never do it again wasn't going to help? She was about to marry someone else and spend her life with him!
Aiyana nodded.
“But why … who … when?” The words tumbled out of my mouth. It felt like one of those nightmares where you're trapped and can't get out and nothing you do helps you. Nothing makes the pain go away except waking up. But this was no dream, this was really happening to me and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.