by Rose, Willow
I sat down next to her and tried to calm down even though I felt like a train had hit me, like I was under water again feeling disorientated, struck by shock, only this time there was no one to pull me up, no jaguar to come to my rescue. I felt my heart fill with those dark feelings of bitterness and resentment. “Why haven’t you told me about this sooner?”
“I just dreamt it.”
I was shocked. “You dreamt it?” I laughed awkwardly, relieved. “But that doesn’t have to mean anything. Dreams are merely successions of images, ideas, emotions and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep,” I said quoting my textbook.
“I know you don’t believe that, Christian,” she said.
I sighed while pushing my hair back again. I looked desperately for the right words to say to make her understand that there was no way she could leave me. Not because of some dream, not for something that incomprehensible.
“I know I have experienced some things lately, but I have plenty of dreams that aren’t visions or premonitions …” I started.
“But this one is,” she interrupted me. “I am certain of it.”
“How do you even know that?”
“I just do.” She was getting firmer in her tone, letting me know that this was what she believed and knew, and there was nothing I could say to change it.
“So it’s just going to end like that, huh?” I said letting the bitterness speak. “Just because of a dream? I don’t believe you. How can you do this to me? We have so much together.” I was hardly breathing anymore. It didn't matter. I wanted to die right there, right now. There was no way I would ever be able to live after this. No way I could carry on.
“It’s for your own good. As I said, you love me too much. You want to own me, but some things don’t want to be owned. Some savages don’t want to be tamed. And you can’t own me, Christian. Because I belong to someone else. I always have and you need to know that before you get too attached to me.”
“But I love you. You love me. I have felt it. I can feel it right now. You love me.”
Aiyana exhaled. Then she stroked my cheek gently. “I do love you. I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
“So why do this? Why marry someone else?” I asked sounding desperate. “If you love me there is no reason to marry another guy … Do you love him?”
She shook her head. “I am going to marry without love. It’s decided.”
I shook my head heavily in disbelief. The rage I felt and the bitterness was eating me up. I wanted to take her in my arms and run away with her. I wanted to tell her I was never going to leave her. I thought about simply grabbing her and holding on to her forever and ever. At the same time I wanted to shake her, yell at her, scream my anger out, only I knew it would push her further away from me. And that was the last thing I needed right now.
“I don’t understand,” I moaned. “You’re going to marry some guy you don’t even love and leave me, the guy you do love, broken hearted? It makes no sense.”
“It does to me.”
“So when is it? When is this big wonderful wedding going to be?” I asked. Not that I really wanted to know it.
“I don’t know,” she said. “Soon. And it is not going to be wonderful.” She laughed her childlike laughter. “His uncle is going to get too drunk and ruin it for everybody.”
I got up from the couch. “Sounds like a real dream wedding.” I let out a harsh breath and stared at the garden. The dancing mythological women seemed to be mocking me, laughing at me, like they had always known that I would get my heart crushed on this porch one day. Everything all of a sudden seemed so different to me. Like it had all changed in a matter of seconds. Even the air felt different. This was no longer a place of magic for me. “Have you even met the guy?” I asked.
“No. But I have dreamed about him ever since I was a child. I didn’t know I was supposed to marry him until today, not until I had the dream.”
I turned and looked at her with disbelief. “So he hasn’t even proposed to you?”
She shook her head. “No. But he will. Soon.”
I started laughing out loud, which made me sound like I was the mad one here. “You people are crazy!” I yelled. “Heather was absolutely right about you. And the worst part is that you drag everyone surrounding you into this world of craziness. This is insane. Do you have any idea how insane this is? Thinking you’re going to marry some guy you haven’t even met, who doesn’t even know it yet, who hasn’t even asked you to marry him. All because of some stupid dream!”
“Dreams are not stupid, and you know it.” Aiyana got up from the couch. “And if you think it is so crazy then it is a good thing you’re not the one supposed to marry him,” she said.
I fought my increasing rage and my desire to just shake some sense into her. She came close to me and stared into my eyes. Every cell in my body was craving her. Everything inside of me was screaming for her to love me, to stop caring about some ridiculous dream or vision and just care about me instead. I didn't want her to leave and go back into that house, because if she did I knew it was finally over. I wasn't going to be with her again. I wasn't going to touch her breasts and her soft silky skin again. I wasn't going to put my ear to her chest and listen to her heartbeat. I wasn't going to drink from her tender lips again.
Gently she put a hand on my shoulder and I felt her warmth and inhaled her scent for the last time in a long while. I bowed my head and closed my eyes with a deep sigh.
Don't say it. Just don't say it!
“Goodbye Christian.”
“Goodbye.”
Chapter 28
It is needless to say, I was devastated. I was more than that. I was destroyed, annihilated. I remember walking back towards the Kirk's house like a man on death row. It must have been the longest walk of my entire life. I went directly to my room while Heather was yelling something at me that I had no interest in hearing. I didn't care what she thought or did. She could tell her parents whatever she wanted. For all I cared they might as well send me home right away. There was nothing left for me in Florida. There was absolutely no reason for me to stay.
I picked up my guitar with the intention of trying to play my way out of the sorrow and pity I felt for myself and threw myself on the bed. I started playing one of my sadder songs that I had written in the time after losing my mother, but nothing I did ever came out right. No notes, no lyrics sounded like they were supposed to. My fingers didn't seem to enjoy dancing across the strings, and every movement I made reminded me of Aiyana, every note I played reminded me of the songs I had sung for her, that she had told me she enjoyed so dearly. The more I played my beloved instrument, the more tormented I felt. I stopped and stared at my guitar that my mother used to play and I realized I found no joy or pleasure in playing it any longer. What had helped me get through the death of my mother wasn't going to help me this time. In anger I lifted the guitar in the air and threw it in the corner, creating a loud bang. A few strings broke off but the guitar survived.
I wasn't sure I was going to.
A few minutes later I learned why Heather had been yelling at me when I first got in. There was a knock on my door and by its gentleness I knew it wasn't Heather. I sniffed and wiped my angry tears away and yelled a weak "Come in."
In came Mrs. Kirk. She looked great. A little tired and still with a few blemishing black circles under her eyes, but considering all she had been through, she looked stunning.
"Chris, my dear boy," she said and sat on my bed. I had been her dear boy ever since I had helped her the morning she was attacked. In the beginning it made me feel uncomfortable since I wasn't her boy and I didn't think my actions were quite as heroic as everybody else seemed to think. But right now, I truly enjoyed being called dear.
Mrs. Kirk looked around in the room and stared at all the clothes on the floor mixed with medical books and papers and the guitar in the corner with the many broken strings sticking up in the air.
> "I should have this room condemned," she said with a smile. "It is hardly suitable for human habitation."
I tried to smile, but it didn't really happen. Everything inside of me was hurting too much to be able to force it.
Mrs. Kirk saw it in my eyes. "What's wrong, Chris?" she asked.
I shook my head. "It's nothing. Don't worry about it. Welcome home. It is good to have you back. You look really great."
Mrs. Kirk tilted her head. "It's that girl, right?"
I looked up. "What girl?"
"Heather told me all about you seeing that girl from that horrible family next door. She told me that you have been seeing her for some time now. Is that true?"
I took in a deep breath. I had no intention of lying. I didn't care what happened to me. Part of me still wanted to stay and finish what I came here in the first place to do, but I had no idea how to do that, how to go to med school and still live right next door to her. To have to come home every day and see that house. Knowing that inside of it they were singing and dancing and having fun like I’d had with them so many times. I felt furious thinking about them just moving on with their lives doing what they always did, like I had never existed, like I hadn't been a part of their life.
Somehow it made me feel a little better that Mrs. Kirk didn't like the family. Right now, I didn't care much for any of them, either. I knew it wasn't their fault but I was angry at all of them for letting this happen to me. For not putting some sense into Aiyana’s head instead of filling her with all that nonsense that made her believe stupid dreams as premonitions of the future. I realized that I had not only lost Aiyana I had lost the whole family, and I had lost my will to believe in anything that wasn't scientifically provable. I refused to believe in any of it again. It had to be all bogus. If I chose to continue to believe that people could have such things as visions and premonitions then I was forced to also believe that Aiyana was right, that she was in fact going to marry this guy. That it was somehow destined. That she was destined to be with someone else other than me. And I didn't want her to be right. I couldn't let her be right. I wanted her to be crazy. I wanted her whole family to be completely insane. That was the only way it could all make sense to me.
"It is over," I whispered with a low voice. Saying it out loud made it all so true and made everything shatter inside of me. I felt tears pressing against my eyes and I could no longer hold them back. I let them roll down my cheeks and soon they came like water from an underground spring. They were unstoppable. Mrs. Kirk hugged me in her own strange awkward way like someone who wasn't used to much physical contact, but even though it almost looked like it hurt her, I was grateful that she did, because it was exactly what I needed at this moment.
"So, I reckon that means you won't be seeing that girl any longer?" she asked as she pulled away again. I detected a great relief in her voice.
I nodded while she wiped away my tears with a Kleenex from her purse. It was obvious she hadn't done anything like this in many years nor had she been in a situation like this. Her words came out awkwardly and her hands and movements were stiff. It only made it so much more valuable to me, that she would act almost like a mother when she obviously wasn't comfortable with it at all. It was sweet, really.
"There," she said with her most motherly comforting voice tapping me gently on the cheek with a flat hand. It almost made me smile.
"No need to cry over her," she continued. "She is not worth it. You deserve better than her. You hear me, Chris? It may not be easy right now but you don't need that girl or her family to complicate your life. You have so much to give a young woman and some day the right one will come along. One who will know how to appreciate all you have to offer. Those people are not good enough for you. That girl most definitely isn't good enough for a handsome boy like you, a boy who has such a bright future ahead of him. You can have any girl in the world that you want. Don't you worry about that. You're a great catch."
But there is only one girl that I do want. And I can't have her! Why can't I have her? I felt like screaming until I felt nothing but numbness.
Mrs. Kirk sighed and smiled like she thought her words would be enough for me to stop feeling sad. It was over now and time to move on. And about time. No need to sit there and feel sorry for yourself. It seemed she was completely oblivious when it came to dealing with a broken heart. It became so obvious to me at that instant that she had never truly loved. I knew the doctor cared deeply for her, I had seen it in his eyes at the hospital and when he arrived just after the attack. I had recognized the fear of losing someone you love in them. But now I wasn't so sure that she had ever loved him back or even been in love with him. She was one of those women who married because it was the sensible thing to do. Because it was expected of you.
"I think there is no need for me to be talking to the doctor about this. The matter seems to have resolved itself," she continued. She got up from the bed and put a hand on my shoulder with a relieved sigh. "I am glad it did," she said. "I am really glad it did."
Chapter 29
Two horrifically miserable days later I was off to my first day at med school at the University of Florida in Jacksonville. On Mrs. Kirk's appeal, I had decided to cut my long hair and put on a nice shirt and a jacket. She wanted me to wear a tie, too, but on that subject I refused to listen. My father wore ties. I didn't.
I drove my Corvette there hoping that spending my day among strangers would help me forget Aiyana at least for a little while. I desperately needed a break from mourning over her before I became pitiful.
Somehow I managed to have an okay time at the university the first couple of days. I met a bunch of students in my own year and went to a lot of classes. Slowly I started gaining interest for it again. Not like the one that I had back in Denmark, but at least I tried. It was better than staying home feeling sorry for myself, and I discovered that keeping myself busy not only kept my mind off my broken heart, it also seemed to quiet the voices in my head and make the flickering images fade. They didn't disappear, but it was like I could control them a little by not allowing them to have too much space in my mind.
I was never going to love gross anatomy, which I found to be the most challenging medical school class known to humankind, whether it was the typical one-hour lecture or the four hours in lab. Cadavers and the smell of formaldehyde just wasn't my thing. As I spoke to others, I found several like-minded students who didn't enjoy it so much either, so I figured that maybe it wasn't me. Maybe I wasn't in a wrong place, after all. Maybe I did have it in me to become a physician. It was pretty normal to have ups and downs, I was told by a couple of second-year students that I ran into during lunch one day.
"Medical school is a place in which you will grow as a person and as a professional," they said. "You will be challenged to study more than you thought possible and pick yourself up when you fall down. The massive amounts of knowledge you need to learn in a short period of time makes medical school one of the most challenging professional schools out there. It is really like a roller coaster, so feeling down or losing interest isn't uncommon at all."
The first days went smoothly and to my surprise so did the entire first week. After only one day I realized that I had a huge advantage. The first three years I had spent at the university in Odense at the unit for Medical Education proved to be very valuable. I was ahead in most of the classes and I had no problem catching up even if I had been away for the first month. Most of what they taught us the first couple of months I had already been through, and with my photographic memory I knew the answers to it all. It was a big relief for me that the first couple of months were that easy, and in that way I felt encouraged, I no longer felt I had made a wrong decision to come here, and it gave me time to try and forget about Aiyana. Plus I had to get used to studying and being lectured in a foreign language, so it was a big help for me that I didn't have to struggle with the academics.
Every day I would leave early in the morning to be in Jacksonville at nine
. I wouldn't return until dinnertime, which was always ready on the kitchen counter wrapped for the microwave ready for each person in the house to eat whenever they had the time for it. I would park the car in the underground parking tunnel at the Kirk's house. In that way I didn't have to as much as look in the direction of Aiyana's house. I would simply ignore the fact that it existed in my attempt to try and ignore the fact that she had existed as well. I buried myself in my medical books and never left the house unless it was to go wind surfing or swimming in the pool. If I heard laughter from Aiyana's yard, I would close the window, if I saw tea cups floating over the fence I would go inside and close the door. I refused myself the right to even think about her or utter her name. She simply ceased to exist to me. I even gave up everything that had to do with her or in any way reminded me of her or the first month of me being in Florida. The music, the newspaper, even the jaguar. I decided to ignore the visions and images that were constantly flickering in my head and stopped thinking of them as anything of importance. I decided it was all baloney.
My new strategy worked like a charm. The images in my head became fewer and less urgent. I started dating a few girls and left them broken hearted without even blinking my eyes. It was brutal, I know, but it was my way of getting back at Aiyana. My way of restoring myself. I was back in control of myself and my emotions and I was determined to never let go of it again.
Heather and I picked up our friendship and became even closer as soon as she realized I was finally done with the girl next door. We would hang out together at the pool or at the dock and watch the sun go down every evening talking about our day, what we had done, who we had been with, who had made an idiot of himself in class and so on. I picked up my wind surfing again and we started doing tricks together with her jumping on my shoulders and doing cheerleading tricks while I was surfing. It became quite a spectacle that her mother and Maria enjoyed to watch.