by Katy Kaylee
Ted was completely understanding about our going slow. He never pushed for anything more than I wanted to give. If I said I couldn’t handle doing something, then he said it was okay, and he really would mean it. It would be okay. He never came over to my house after that first night, and I never went over to his. We got me a new doctor and I didn’t go up to the clinic anymore, even though I could’ve met him there for lunch if I wanted, I didn’t want his coworkers noticing us as a couple. I didn’t tell anyone I was dating, I didn’t call him my boyfriend, and he did the same on his end.
We were careful not to talk about the future. Ted knew that, of course, I planned to have a baby and that was my set plan for the time being. I had narrowed down a list of a dozen potential sperm donors, although I still had to pick one of them. But Ted never brought up any ideas of my moving in with him, never suggested any dates or events that were too far into the future. He seemed ready for me to call this off at any moment, and okay with it if I did. I felt like I was in complete control of the relationship.
It was exactly what I needed.
And I had honestly forgotten how much fun it was to spend time with Ted. In high school we’d always had fun and he’d always made me laugh, but now I was rediscovering just how much.
We’d been going on dates the last couple of weeks - real dates, nothing like what we’d been on in high school. Not that we were going out to boring fancy restaurants all the time, which was all I had ever done with Chad. That is, back in the beginning of our relationship when Chad had bothered to wine and dine me, still. The last few years he couldn’t even be bothered with that charade.
There was nothing wrong with a nice restaurant date now and again. I loved trying new places. But when it was all that you ever did… it got boring! Just sitting there and talking about your days and about work, ugh. I wanted to actually do things with someone, actually make memories.
And that was what Ted and I were doing. In high school, we hadn’t really had money. Well, I’d had money, but I had been careful not to use it too much around Ted. He was a proud person who wanted to take care of his date, and I appreciated that. So I used it for little things like the two of us going to the movies. And he’d paid for things when he could, like the pizza the night we first made love.
Now, we both had money, and we were grown ass adults who could do whatever we wanted. We did the touristy things that you always forget to do when you live in a city, like historic carriage tour and the haunted locations tour, and got to see parts of the city and learn things that I hadn’t known, even though I’d grown up here. We went to the Magnolia Plantation and Gardens and ended up playing hide-and-seek in the trees like we were kids again.
Ted took me on a day trip, and we went ziplining, and we went to the Nathanial Russell House Museum and nearly got thrown out when Ted and I goaded each other into trying to slide down the massive spiral staircase. We went dancing at The Commodore, a jazz club that was the reborn version of A Touch of Class, a popular jazz club that had sadly closed its doors a while ago. I hadn’t danced that freely in ages, just doing the practiced dances at charity balls and such, and Ted was an excellent lead. We tried an escape room that was themed around America’s first female serial killer, Lavinia Fisher, which was terrifying and fun and way harder to escape than I’d thought.
We toured cemeteries, did an impromptu photoshoot at Angel Oak, and attended street fairs and farmer’s markets. And we did do the more typical things like watching a movie, or just strolling down to the beach. But even those more ‘basic’ things were just such fun with Ted. Everything was exciting and stimulating with him. He was witty, smart, and considerate. He opened doors for me and held out his arm for me when we went walking - typical gentlemanly gestures that I had grown bored with, or even annoyed by, when other men did them to me.
But when Ted did them, I saw him do them not just for me, but for everyone. And he was considerate not just in those typical ways, but in unexpected ways as well. He offered his jacket when I was cold, remembered that I hated blueberries, never complained when I wanted to spend ten minutes getting the perfect picture of the sunset, and actively listened when I talked instead of just pretending to listen and spending his time figuring out what he was going to say when it was ‘his turn’ to speak.
Chad had done that all the time. After a while I’d just stopped talking because what was even the point?
I felt like I had been walking on sunshine these past two weeks, after so long in the dark. I wasn’t letting myself think too much about where this was going, because I knew that way lay madness, but I was still just so… so…
Happy. Yes. That was the word. Happy. I hadn’t been truly happy in so long and it was like a revelation.
Layla noticed it the moment that I sat down at the table for our lunch. I’m pretty sure the entire restaurant noticed, actually. We’d been coming there for so long that the entire waitstaff probably knew when my period was.
“What’s got you all chipper?” she teased as I sat down. “You’re more upbeat than I’ve seen you in ages. Did you pick a donor? Are you…” Layla lowered her vice. “Pregnant?”
“Not yet, no. I’ve narrowed the field down. I might ask you for help in picking someone, actually.”
“Well that’s good,” Layla said. “But that’s not why you’re so damn chipper, is it? What’s going on, really?”
“I…” I wasn’t sure, for a moment, if I should tell her. Telling someone else made everything so much more… real.
Not that this wasn’t all real, not that—I wanted to tell her. I wanted to gush about this to someone. I wanted to be able to share all the wonderful things that were now happening in my life, this wonderful person that I’d reconnected with.
But if I told Layla, the moment I brought someone else into it, it wasn’t just ‘our’ thing anymore. It belonged to more than just Ted and me. And Layla could tell other people, Layla would have her own opinion, Layla would be observing.
What if telling her jinxed it all and Ted and I stopped having our wonderful connection? What if things started to go sideways after I told her? What if…
Stop it, Veronica, for heaven’s sake, I told myself sternly. I was starting to sound like a paranoid lunatic.
I was happy with Ted, here and now, in the present moment, and wasn’t that what I had said I wanted this entire time? Not to put expectations on it or to plan too hard for the future but just to be together in the moment and go slow?
This was what I had wanted in freeing myself from Chad—the ability to be happy. To choose my own fate. And that was exactly what I was doing.
So I smiled at Layla. “Actually, I’m seeing someone.”
Layla’s face lit up and she banged her knees on the underside of the table jumping in excitement. She immediately looked around to see if anyone had noticed, blushing like a fire hydrant, and then turned back to me. “Oh my God, that’s amazing!” she whispered. “Who is it?”
I took a deep breath, then another, steadying myself. “…my ex.”
Layla stared at me. “Aren’t you… isn’t he… you said he was the doctor at your fertility clinic, right? That ex? Or do you have another ex that you never mentioned?”
“No, no, it’s that ex. From high school. He’s not my doctor anymore, we’re referring me to another person because I still want to continue the treatment. Dating or not, I’m going to have a baby.”
“Of course, don’t let anyone or anything keep you from your dream. Not after you’ve had to put it aside for so long.” Layla waved her hands at me, like fluttering moths. “But I want to know, how did all of this happen?”
I explained how it all came about. “I admit I… I really regret what I did. Dumping him in high school. I’m ashamed of it. I think it’s the most shame I feel about anything. But he doesn’t care, he forgives me. He says that what I did helped him to take a look at himself and sort of self-evaluate and become someone that he’s proud to be.
“But I stil
l wish… I wish that I hadn’t been so quick to always worry about what people thought, especially my parents. I just did whatever they told me, even though it usually made me miserable. I wasted all of this time trying to make everyone else around me happy and I never thought about myself, I never dared to just seize what made me happy.”
“You are now, though,” Layla pointed out. “And honey, we all make mistakes. You were a kid. And you were married to Chad, for crying out loud, I think that’s plenty of punishment, if you even deserved punishment in the first place. Which I don’t think you do. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.”
“That’s what Ted says.” I paused as Katie came over and delivered our food, then resumed when she went away. I trusted Katie and everyone else here, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for the entire restaurant staff to know about this. “He cares about making me happy. Not about how I look or behave, or what I can do for him. He just enjoys making me smile.”
“And are you happy?” Layla asked.
I nodded, the smile on my face getting so big that it was starting to hurt. “I am, yes. We’re not really telling anyone about it, though. It’s just between the two of us. So if you could… keep this to yourself, and all…”
“Of course. You deserve some privacy, Chad made the divorce such an awful big public thing.”
“I just wish he’d quit it. It’s over and done with. There’s no point in continuing to be so awful.” I sighed. “Ted’s been really patient with me. I feel like a skittish horse. I don’t want any expectations, you know, no real talk about the future. And I feel bad because I know he wants a wife and a family. He even bought this big house that he renovated all on his own, made with a family in mind, he’s got kids’ rooms and a big backyard and everything. And here I am insisting we not label anything and that we go slow.”
“Veronica. Honey. Listen to me. You are not a terrible person.” Layla took my hand. “Your parents and Chad have done a good job of making you feel like one. And you know that they’re wrong, but you still feel terrible, so you’re using Ted and how you treated him as a way to beat yourself up instead.
“If you were so awful, back then, or right now, why would Ted be with you? He sounds like a really smart and wonderful guy, and more than that, he sounds like he knows that. He knows what he’s worth. He doesn’t sound to me like he’d stick around with someone if they treated him anything less than what he deserved.
“And you were his patient. That says a lot. He’s finding you a new doctor so that he can date you. I know we see all those big fancy medical dramas.” Layla squeezed my hand and winked at me. I was always teasing her for loving shows like E.R. and Grey’s Anatomy. “But in real life there’s not nearly so much… sex and bed hopping and all that. He wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t worth it to him.”
“But is it really a good idea for me to be doing this?” I asked. I hadn’t told Layla about Ted and me because I wanted advice, but as I spoke with her, I realized that was exactly what I wanted. I needed some reassurance, and outside eye.
“Why wouldn’t it be?” Layla replied, releasing my hand and digging into her meal.
“Well, it’s so soon after the divorce. And I wanted to have some time to myself, to be single.”
“Honey, single or in a relationship doesn’t matter. Or at least it shouldn’t. I wish I had known that or I wouldn’t have gotten married so quickly, or… I wouldn’t have… anyway.” Layla shrugged, tactfully avoiding discussing her own unsatisfactory marriage. “If you’re single and you’re happy being single, that’s what matters. If you meet someone and they’re right for you, then that’s what matters. You shouldn’t force yourself to be with someone when you don’t want to be, and you also shouldn’t force yourself to stay single if there’s someone you have feelings for.”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” I confessed.
“That’s why you have me.” Layla grinned momentarily, then sobered up. “Look, he makes you happy, you said, right?”
I nodded.”
“That’s what matters. Who cares about timetables? Stay your course and take things as they come. You’re not giving up on all of your other dreams to be with him, which is good. Who’s to say that he can’t fit into your life? If you two end up breaking up, then that’s what happens and it’s okay. But right now being together is what you want and that’s fine. Don’t abandon your happiness because it doesn’t fit into your plan. That’s exactly what you did last time, only it was for your parents’ plan. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”
She was absolutely right. I hadn’t seen it that way at all, but it was true. I had given up a good thing in front of me because it didn’t fit what my parents had planned out, and now I had been about to do the same thing over again? What an idiot I was.
“Thank you,” I said. “Honestly, Layla, thank you. I really needed to hear that.” I paused. “And you know that you… can and should take your own advice, right? If you’re… if you’re unhappy, then you should make yourself happy. Do whatever it takes.”
Layla gave me a tiny smile. “I appreciate that, honey, but I… I don’t know. I know that it’s not saving people from a fire or anything quite like that but divorcing someone, redoing your life, it… it takes courage. A particular kind of courage and I’m not sure if I have it.”
“I think that you do.”
Layla shrugged. “Well. You’re happy and I’m glad for you. Go with that.”
“I will,” I said, deciding to let the subject of Layla’s own life drop for now. “I will.”
I would.
21
Ted
I sat down at my office desk and pulled up some patient records. Hmm. I really wasn’t sure if this one patient of mine should get pregnant. There were a lot of health risks involved for her and I honestly thought it would be better if she chose to adopt instead. But she was insistent on wanting a child that was hers biologically.
Perhaps I could convince her to use her eggs and her husband’s sperm and put them in a surrogate for the pregnancy itself. I didn’t want to risk my patient’s life.
A knock sounded on my office door. “Come in!”
Bridget poked her head in. “Ah, sorry to bother you, Ted, but there’s someone waiting for you in the lobby, said she was Roni and she brought you lunch?”
I glanced at the clock. It…as in fact right about when I took my lunch break for the day. But… Veronica? Here?
We had been careful, at Veronica’s request, not to have her meet me at the clinic. Bridget and the others who worked with me would notice the same woman showing up all the time for lunch and would start to see us as a couple, and Veronica had said she wasn’t ready for that yet. But if she was now here…
I walked out into the lobby and sure enough, there was Veronica. She was carrying some to-go boxes from a Mexican place that we both loved. They made enchiladas that Veronica just couldn’t get enough of.
“Hey, you,” I said, unable to keep the smile off my face.
Veronica stood up and walked over, and kissed me hello. Nothing crazy, just a soft, casual hello kiss, but… it was right in front of my receptionist.
I couldn’t even begin to describe the feeling of surprise and joy that shot through me. I had been trying to do things at Roni’s pace, and now I was being rewarded for it. She was taking more steps to combine our lives, to make this serious, all on her own.
“Did I come at the right time?” Veronica asked. “I can wait, if you have another appointment.”
“No, no, you came at the perfect time. We can eat in my office.” I helped her take the to go boxes and we went back to my office to eat.
“You really didn’t have to buy me lunch.” I knew that Veronica was being careful about her spending, so that she could make her alimony money stretch as long as possible for her child. It was a reversal of how things had been in high school. Now I was the one with the money and Veronica was the one living on a budget.
“
I know,” she replied simply. “I wanted to.”
Usually on my lunch hour I would read up on reports, do a little extra work, or read a few chapters in a book while I ate. It was solitary, and quiet, and in some ways that was nice, but this… this was so much better. Having someone who cared about me and brought me lunch and was just… there, and happy to be there, it meant… it meant so much more than I had expected it would.
I hadn’t realized how much it would mean to me to have someone in my life like this. No, no… not to have someone. Not just to have anyone. To have Roni.
“I told Layla about us,” Veronica admitted, sitting down and helping me to unwrap all the food. “She was really supportive.”
“Did you think she wouldn’t be?”
“No.” Veronica shook her head. “It just… makes it real when you tell someone. And that was a good thing and a scary thing for me. She helped me to realize how I was screwing us both over by giving up a good thing to stick to a timetable. I want to be in the moment and just enjoy what we have, today, now.”
That was definitely a step forward. I understood if Veronica still didn’t want to think about the future but having her dispense any fears about the present was good. I was glad. “That’s great. I don’t want you to feel anxious or upset, I want you to feel good about this, and about every decision you make.” I grinned. “And I have to admit I haven’t been idle either.”
“Oh?” I think Veronica could tell by my tone that I was up to something.
I’d been up to a lot of things, back in the day, always getting into trouble and driving my teachers and classmates nuts. When I said something like I haven’t been idle either to Veronica, she knew that it meant I’d executed yet another plan.
My general pranking days were over. I was no longer that aimless and frustrated teenager. But that didn’t mean that I could use my long-ignored powers for good, or at least spite, if the need arose.