In A Heartbeat (The Shameful Regret Series)

by King, Liz

  I get up and walk to the end of the bathroom where I have my stash of yoga pants and camis that I usually sleep in piled in the linen closet. I know it’s a weird place to have them, but it’s just easier to grab them after I get my showers at night right here, instead of going back out to my bedroom. I quickly dress behind the door so as not to flash all my goodies to Michelle. Not that I really care, but still.

  “I knew something was bothering you this morning, chick. I wish you would have told me you had a fight.” Michelle starts brushing and braiding my hair while I put some moisturizer on my face. “And I guess the breakroom was Connor’s way of trying to apologize?”

  “Yeah. He came in, said he was sorry, and then you know what happened next.” I blush remembering her and Gabbi walking in on us. “I need to go to talk to him. I’m not going out tonight and I need to let him know. I’ll call you later?”

  Michelle wraps her arms around my waist, resting her chin on my shoulder. Our eyes lock in the mirror. “Sure thing, Nae-Nae. You are a strong woman. Trust your instinct. I can tell he loves you, and I know you love him. Don’t let Rocker Boy distract you with his sexy ass if you feel like you two need to talk about something.”

  “You know I love you, right?” I lean my head down to hers. “Thanks for listening. I’m sorry I haven’t been around for you much lately. You and me spa day tomorrow? My treat?” I ask.

  “Damn straight, bitch!” Michelle replies then steps over to open the bathroom door.

  Connor is sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the bed. His knees are pulled up, he’s bracing his arms on them, and his head is hung low. He looks up when we step out. His eyes look full of questions and worry. “Sweetness, please talk to me.”

  Michelle kisses me on the cheek then leaves me standing alone with Connor. I hear her lock the front door behind her.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  I look back at Connor sitting on the floor. My body and heart call out to him. I need to stay in control. As soon as he touches me, I will forget what it is that I intend to say. I’m sure I had every intention of telling him that earlier this afternoon, but we see how well that turned out. I don’t think he heard my conversation with Michelle while we were in the bathroom because for an apartment, the walls and doors are fairly thick, and we were keeping our voices down because I knew that Connor wasn’t going to go far.

  “Connor, I-“

  “You can’t fall asleep in the fucking tub, Lynae! You could have drowned!” Connor says in a low voice.

  “It wasn’t like I planned it!” I respond. I don’t want to fight with him, but I can feel my defenses rising. “Connor, why are you here?”

  “Babe, why didn’t you answer your phone? I thought I was going to pick you up this afternoon so we could have spend some time together before the set.” Connor is looking up at me with an expression of concern and nervousness. “Are you still pissed at me for last night? I said I was sorry. I know I was an ass.”

  I sit down across from him on the floor, letting out a pent up breath. “No, Connor, I’m not still mad.” I make sure to keep some distance between us. One touch, one caress, and I know that I will succumb to the force that is Connor Reeves. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, work was busy, and I just needed some time to myself.”

  Connor flinches at my response, moving to come towards me. I hold up my hand to keep him where he is.

  “Like I said, I just needed some time to myself. I needed a little breathing room after last night.”

  “Sweetness, please listen to me. I love you, and I am so sorry for everything. Don’t push me away.” Connor pleads. His eyes look hurt and regretful.

  My heart wants to reach out to him. I’m not trying to push him away. I’m trying to stand on my own feet. I have been so wrapped up in everything Connor since we met, then I let all of my secrets out, that I haven’t had any time to process, and I still need him to talk to me about what secrets he’s harboring. Connor has seen my heart and soul opened wide. “I love you too, baby, I just need some space.”

  Connor obviously doesn’t know the meaning of the word “space” because in the next moment, he lunges forward, knocking me flat on my back. He’s leaning over me, bracing himself on his forearms, our faces mere inches apart. “Don’t. Push. Me. Away.” He says between soft kisses to my lips, eyes, and cheeks. “I can’t give you space. I need you.”

  Whereas I would have felt completely trapped and panicked months ago, I have no fear being held in this position. I need him just as much. I want to reach my hands up and run them through his thick hair, but I stop myself. I push his shoulders up. “Connor, we need to talk about last night and this afternoon.”

  “We did talk. I said I’m sorry for being an ass, I love you, you said you still love me. Enough said.” Connor grinds his hips down into my pelvis trapped between him and the floor.

  I try to push at his shoulders with a little more force. “No, we didn’t talk. I need you to be open with me. There is something bothering you, and I want to now what it is.” Connor looks down at me questioningly. “You were upset yesterday before I left for work, and then you went out and got trashed. That’s not like you.”

  Connor sighs loudly as he moves to get off of me. “Can’t you just drop this?” Connor rakes his hand through his hair. “I really don’t want to talk about that shit right now.”

  I can hear an edge of warning in his voice. He definitely doesn’t want me to push him on this. I’m too tired to fight him. “Fine.” I say as I sit back up.

  “Thank you. Let’s just get ready to go. I want to take you to dinner before we meet up with the guys tonight.” Connor stands up, holding his hand out for me.

  I let him pull me to a standing position, but I pull my hand away and cross my arms over my chest. “Connor, I’m not going tonight.”

  I feel the intense heat from Connor’s eyes burning into me. He takes two steps towards me to close the distance between us. “What do you mean you’re not going?” As Connor’s grip tightens on my shoulders, almost to the point of being painful, a small tingle of unease crawls up my spine. He can see it in my eyes the moment it happens, he lets me go instantly. “Baby, I-“

  “Don’t ‘baby’ me.” I step back. “I said I’m not going. I want to stay home and have some time to myself.”

  Connor’s eyes burn into me. “What can I do to make this right with us? Damnit, Lynae, I’ll do anything.” He begs.

  We are just going to keep going in circles around this issue. I just need to drop it, but I can’t. I know deep in my heart that whatever it is that is bothering Connor is causing him a lot of emotional pain. He seems to have been more moody since a few weeks ago. I think I remember Wade telling me that it was Kaitlin’s birthday. Me overhearing Connor and Wade’s conversation that night was the only time that Connor and I ever argued. I see the same torn look in his eyes now and expression yesterday morning that I did that night. Connor has been there for me to help me let out my most painful secret, I just wish he would let me be there for him as well. I need him to know that we are in fact ok, but I still want to give myself some breathing room.

  I reach my hand up to cup his face. He leans into my touch. “We are ok,, just let me have tonight. I’m exhausted, I just want to lie down and forget about things for a while.”

  Connor takes my face in both of his hands, bringing his lips down to barely graze over my own. “I don’t know if I can do that.” He breathes over my mouth.

  I must not succumb to him. I must not give in. I must not let him sway me. This is the mantra I’m playing over in my head. It would be too easy to let Connor pull me under the tidal wave that is the passion flowing between us. “You’re going to have to.” My response comes out weak. I need to get my lips as far away from his if I stand a chance of sticking to my guns tonight. I close my eyes to break the connection. I can get so lost in Connor’s eyes. “I’m going to bed now. You have to meet up with the guys.” I take a step back.


  “Sweetness, please.” Connor begs.

  “Keep an eye out for Michelle. She’s supposed to be meeting up with Gabbi tonight, but I know that Gabbi will probably be too distracted with Wade to be of any use.” I keep my head down so I don’t get sucked back in.

  Connor walks towards me again. He keeps coming my way even as I’m backing up until I hit the wall and I have nowhere else to go. Connor stands over me, his eyes pleading. “I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what I need to do to get you to stop running from me now. Damnit, how many times do I have to say I’m sorry for being a drunken ass last night?”

  Fine. He wants to know what will make me forget about everything. I’ll give it to him. “I want to know what the hell your problem was to make you become a drunken ass. I want to know about what you and Wade were arguing about. I want to know what’s in the box in the closet. I want to know what you’re keeping from me.”

  That shuts Connor down cold. He stands up straight, pushes his shoulders back and looks away from me. “Not gonna happen. I’m not doing this shit.”

  With that, he leaves. I hear Connor slam the front door to my apartment behind him. I sink down to the floor in my bedroom and drop my head between my knees. I hope I haven’t pushed Connor completely away. I’ve opened my heart up, given it over to Connor completely, he holds the power to break it beyond repair, and I fear that I may have just given him what he needs to do just that. This is why I never wanted to let someone in. Your heart can’t get broken if you don’t let someone hold it.

  I sit on the floor for a few minutes. Well, probably more than a few minutes because now my butt feels numb. I need to talk to someone. I can’t hold it all in anymore. I force myself up, walking over to my nightstand where my silenced phone is charging, and call my best friend.

  “Sly, I need you.”

  Chapter Thirty

  “I told you to go to bed.” Sly voice stirs me from my uncomfortable slumber curled up on the oversized recliner.

  I feel Sly picking me up and carrying me through the living room then gently placing me on the bed. I scoot into the middle, turning over on my side patting the space behind me. Sly takes the hint, as he crawls in behind me to spoon me. “I was waiting on you.” I mumble through a yawn. “Hold me.”

  Sly complies after turning the lamp beside the bed off. He wraps me tight in his arms kissing the back of my head. “I’m right here baby girl. Go back to sleep. You can talk to me about all this in the morning.”

  “Thank you.” I murmur.

  “Anytime.”

  ~

  Bright sunshine streams through the blinds in my bedroom. Damn. I forgot to close them. I haven’t been spending my nights here during the week, so I didn’t think about them being open. I groan and roll over onto my back. Why am I laying on top of the comforter? I look next at Sly asleep next to me. He’s out cold. When I called him yesterday evening, he was just coming home after his two days on shift. Sly didn’t hesitate when I told him that I needed him, although, I thought we would only talk on the phone. I didn’t expect him to drop everything and drive hours to come be with me just because I had a fight with Connor. He insisted that he come out and see me. Gina is doing much better, and is already back at work. That is one of the many reasons I love him so much, Sly has always and will always be there for whatever I need from him, just like if he were to need me, I’d be there in a heartbeat.

  I look over to the clock on my bedside table, it’s already after nine! Wow, I slept longer than I thought I would. Sly must not have gotten in until after midnight, but I still didn’t think I’d be out this long. Yesterday and the day before must have been more emotionally draining than I thought. Michelle will probably be over here soon for the spa day I promised her that we would have. I need to get my ass in gear.

  Crawling out of bed, I drag myself to the bathroom to shower. I don’t bother drying my hair, I figure we will just make a day of it and let the spa do our hair as well as massages, manicures, pedicures, and facials. I’ve been a neglectful friend. I need to make it up to her. I need to make it up to Sly too. I have been so wrapped up in Connor that I haven’t given any thought to the rest of my friends.

  When I walk back out of the bathroom, Sly is already up. I hear him talking to Michelle in the kitchen. “I missed you too, baby.”

  Michelle and Sly are holding each other in an affectionate embrace when I come into the kitchen. It warms my heart to see them together. Oh, how I wish that Sly would just move out here so that he could be near me for one, but also so he could be with Michelle. I know that they have tiptoed around their feelings and attraction for one another for so long. I’m beyond happy that they finally got their act together. I remember Michelle being so nervous to tell me that they had hooked up. I am more than happy to give them my blessing.

  Michelle peeks her head around Sly’s broad shoulders. “Come here Nae-Nae.” She holds her arms open, and I walk straight into them, letting her hug me close. Sly comes up behind me, wrapping his big arms around both of us. I’m sandwiched between my two best friends in the world. I feel very loved.

  “This is the best part of my day right here, holding you two in my arms.” Sly squeezes us tight. “But, seeing as I still feel like a zombie, I’m kicking y’all out to go do that girly shit Michelle was talking about, then I’m going back to bed, but only after you tell me what Rocker Boy did to you.”

  “Thank you for coming, Sly. You honestly didn’t need to drive all the way out here just for this, but I’m glad you’re here.” I wiggle out of my friendship sandwich to pour myself a cup of coffee. Thank heavens that Sly already made some for me while I was in the shower. I need my caffeine as soon as I wake up. It is the nectar of the gods! I take a few sips, but put it back down. My stomach feels a little knotted up this morning. It’s probably just nerves from all the angst that has been going on. I fill Sly in on what happened, and continue on to let Michelle know what happened after she left yesterday. Neither one of them say anything until I’m done.

  “Well, that explains why Connor was being a dickhead to everyone last night.” Michelle says with her mouth full of one of the donuts she brought over. “Shameful Regret sucked last night. He wasn’t into his performance.” She adds.

  Sly looks pissed. “I told that fucker if he hurt you, there would be hell to pay.” He’s leaning over the counter at glaring at me.

  “You’re missing the point, Sly. He didn’t hurt me. Not really.” I sigh. “The point is that he is shutting me out. Instead of talking to me, he went and got plastered, then took his anger out on everyone.”

  “Doesn’t sound like he took his anger out on anyone but you. Then when he should have been groveling at your feet, he was trying to force you to forgive him by pushing himself on you.” Sly growls. “Just like Matt.”

  What the hell? I know that Sly is in “protective big brother” mode but I don’t understand where that remark came from. Connor is nothing like Matt. “Sly, just stop it.” I say with a little more edge to my voice than I intend.

  “Connor is just a dumbass man. He doesn’t know how to express his feelings without going all caveman like you are now.” Michelle presses her forefinger into Sly’s chest. “I don’t think he was trying to force Nae-Nae to do anything. Connor is absolutely nothing like that shithead. These two are so combustible together, and I think that’s Connor’s way of letting things out.” She glances over to me. “From the first moment he saw you, I could see the heat in his eyes. He probably just doesn’t know any other way, besides getting physical.”

  Michelle hit the nail on the head with that one. I completely agree with her that Connor doesn’t have much in the “let’s talk about our feelings” department. He is very tactile. He tends to make his feelings known through touching or kissing, but that still doesn’t excuse him for blocking me out. I am about to tell her just that, but she interrupts me again.

  “Nae-Nae, you need to just go talk to him. He looked miserable last night, and got pret
ty drunk. Marcus took him home as soon as they left the stage. I talked to Wade after the set last night. Wade said something about Connor getting this way every year at this time because of his sister. He wouldn’t elaborate, but it just sounds like Connor has family issues, and like I said, he’s a man, men don’t talk about stuff as much as we do.” Michelle gives tilts her head to the side looking at me, before she turns her sights on Sly again. “And you, you listen to me. You aren’t used to our little girl having another man in her life. You are used to being it for her. I love that you came rushing in to protect her, but you need to back off and let her figure this out on her own.”

  This is why I love Michelle. She tells you like it is. I may not have appreciated her tying to drag me out all those years, and pushing me to be more open and outgoing, but she only has my best interest at heart. If I hadn’t finally agreed to go out that night with her and Gabbi, I wouldn’t have met Connor. Now, she is there to tell me exactly what I need to hear. I may have overreacted to Connor not opening up to me. He has been through a hell of a lot with me in just the short amount of time that we have been together. I feel very silly for having called Sly last night now. He drove all the way from Alabama in the middle of the night just because I had a fight with Connor.

  “You’re right. I will go see him this afternoon. I’m not backing out of our spa date. I’ll let him have the day to cool off. He looked pretty pissed when he left yesterday, and if he was drunk, he’s probably nursing a hangover.” I get up, dump the rest of my coffee out in the sink because my stomach can’t handle it this morning, then walk up behind Sly. I hug him from behind, resting my head on his back. “Sly, I love you, and I’m glad you’re here. Connor is nothing like Matt, and you know it. I’m sorry I dragged you into this stupid little fight.”