by E. A. Copen
“How in the world did you do all this?” I asked Hades as a certain space princess caressed my arm.
Hades beamed and gestured at Nate, Finn, and Jean. “I had help.”
Finn patted my back. “You’re the biggest nerd I’ve ever met, but I’ve got to hand it to you. You’ve got taste after all.” He wandered off, pulled to a corner by a girl with prosthetics on her ears to make them seem pointed.
Hades laughed and gestured around. “I spared no expense. Whatever you want, consider it done, friend. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get the whole venue closed, but we have an hour or two before the place starts to fill up if the owner’s timetable was correct. Go on, enjoy yourself. Drinks and food on me.”
I hadn’t been to Karma since the last time I’d gone there looking for Pony. As a rule, I didn’t frequent strip clubs because I was broke, and the appeal of looking and not touching was limited for me. But if Hades was footing the bill for unlimited booze and private lap dances, far be it from me to decline.
Over the course of the next hour and a half, we got a round of champagne on ice, two whole racks of ribs, lobster, and porterhouse steaks. Mine came out as rare as they’d allow, and it still seemed too cooked, but it was edible if I scraped off the brown parts.
After the steak and a private lap dance from a busty redhead in a Velma outfit—sweater and all—Karma started to seem crowded. The evening blue-collar workers had found their way into the bar, and they were giving our party jealous glances while we downed expensive food and drinks, drawing all the attention. With that many eyes on me, I was eager to get out of there. Even Finn had started talking about leaving, though he was drunkenly trying to convince Hades that he should take us all to get sushi.
“It’ll be easy,” Finn slurred. “I can open a portal we take a shortcut through Faerie and wind up in Tokyo. Ought to be somewhere there with some damn decent sushi.”
Hades tried to pull away from Finn’s grip, but Finn held tight. “If you’re ready to move on, I did have another stop planned.” He gave me a pleading look.
“Yeah, sounds good. Just let me make a pitstop. Why don’t I meet you guys outside?” I slid out of the booth we’d commandeered. The room tilted slightly, my vision distorting. I’d had a few drinks, but I thought I’d spaced them out enough to keep from getting drunk. I didn’t even feel buzzed. Maybe I just wasn’t paying attention. I shook my head to clear my vision and staggered through the bar toward the toilets.
Flashing lights and crowds pushed in on me, making Karma seem more like a nightclub than a strip joint. Where had all those people come from? I knew the place was getting crowded, but there hadn’t seemed like there were this many people. The crowd was so thick I couldn’t even be sure I was going the right way, so I paused to get my bearings.
Shrill laughter sounded around me. I turned to find the source of it only to see the distorted faces of strangers staring back at me, their features blurred or oddly elongated.
One of the nearby men reached out to grab my shoulder. “Hey, mister, are you all right?” He smiled, showing bloody fangs.
I backed away, stumbling into a group of women in cocktail dresses made of Christmas lights.
“Watch it!” one of them shouted after her drink had spilled all over her, shorting out half the lights.
I tried to apologize, but the words came out as an impossible mix of mismatched consonants. She and her friends just rolled their eyes at me. I stumbled forward, pushing through the crowd. There were just too many people. A little fresh air and I’d be fine. Back door, front door, even the bathroom would do. I just had to get the hell out of there.
I broke through the crowd and found a solid wall. That’s not right, I thought, running my hands over it. The door was right here. I was sure of it.
Fingers closed on my collar, pulling me away from the wall. “You just can’t behave yourself, can you?” said Guy. Except, the face staring back at me wasn’t Guy’s. Eight black eyes reflected my face back at me while slime-covered mandibles twitched in the center of his face.
I screamed, shoved him away, and made a break for it, pushing my way back through the closest group of people. Somehow, the bathroom hallway was on the other side. I’d crossed the room in a single step. How was that even possible?
I don’t care. I just need out of this crazy place. I staggered down the hallway and pushed through the door to the men’s room. Thankfully, it was empty in there, and I could breathe. My bladder was no longer screaming at me, thanks to the adrenaline that’d kicked in, so I just gripped the sink and stared into it, willing myself to draw slow, even breaths.
What the hell happened out there? Maybe I should’ve let Nate check me over before we left. Eating that much raw meat couldn’t be good for anyone. The stress of trying to plan the perfect wedding probably didn’t help either. I needed a break, a quiet evening at home where nothing was trying to kill me, but that wasn’t going to happen. At least no Christmas monsters had shown their faces while I was out with the guys. “Thank goodness for small miracles,” I grumbled and turned on the tap.
I was halfway through rinsing my face off with cold water when the door squeaked open. The paper towel container thunked as someone pulled a few towels free and held them out to me.
“Thanks,” I said and took them to wipe off my face.
“Mpgog akemooka.”
I dropped the paper towel and spun around, expecting to find the bug-eyed freak that’d stolen Guy’s voice. Instead, I was completely alone again. “Stay cool, Lazarus. You’re not crazy. You’re drunk, stressed, and probably sick. Yeah, that’s it. Bet I’m running a fever.”
The back of my hand hit my forehead, sounding oddly similar to fish slapping water. A strange sense of dread settled in my gut. Fear slid down my spine, sluggish like a dying snake. Slowly, I turned back to the mirror.
My face was gone. Not torn off or anything, just gone as if my features had melted off. In place of my eyes were two huge holes. Something black lashed out of the open socket, the tiny inky arm of a squid. I blinked, shook my head, and it was gone. Everything was back to normal.
“I need off this crazy ride,” I said and pushed away from the sink. It pained me to have to do it, but I had no choice but to tell Hades we had to cut things short for the night. I just wasn’t feeling up to more.
The bathroom door swung shut behind me, and I turned right to go back out to the main floor, only to have something hard hit me in the back of the head. The next thing I knew, I was on the ground while a blue-skinned man knelt over me.
“Relax,” he said, lowering a black bag over my head. “You won’t feel a thing.”
Something sharp pressed into my neck. Against woozy dizziness, I passed out.
Chapter Seven
I woke with an even bigger headache, freezing half to death. Black still clouded my vision, but the heaviness and confusion from earlier seemed to have fled. Every breath I drew was stale as if I’d already breathed it before. An engine hummed nearby and I recognized the sound of tires crunching over gravel.
The blindfold from earlier must be back on me. I tried to move my arm to pull it off, but my arms wouldn’t budge. The hell? Maybe this was Hades’ idea of a joke. “Very funny, guys. Now, cut me loose.”
No answer.
I turned my head, listening for any other sounds that might give away where I was, or who else might be with me. What was the last thing I remembered? It was all too fuzzy. We’d been at Karma. I’d gotten up to go for a piss, but then things got weird. Too weird. Something hit me in the head on my way out and then… Nothing. How much of that was real and how much had been my brain playing tricks on me?
The vehicle hit a bump that jostled me from the seat, sending me forward. Straps over my shoulders held me in place. There was that at least. You didn’t strap in someone you intended to kill, right? I wiggled as far left as I could go, then right. The seat wasn’t a normal car seat, but a metal bench, which meant I wasn’t in a car. This had to be a tr
uck or a bus of some sort. Why the hell was it so cold, though? Much longer in that chill, and I’d be worried about frostbite if I didn’t already have some. My fingertips and the end of my nose were already numb.
The truck suddenly slid to a stop and a metal door rolled open. High-pitched voices echoed off the metal walls, almost childlike. They spoke a language I’d never heard before, something with sharp consonants, nasal grunts, and clicking tongues.
“Hello?” I called.
It did no good. Tiny hands grabbed me by the shirt and dragged me toward the door. I found my feet just in time to stumble down a metal ramp and fall face-first into snow.
Snow? In New Orleans? Now that was unlikely. I’d seen snow fall here a few times, but even then, it was only a light dusting. I’d fallen into a foot or more of thick, crunchy snow.
I slid up to my knees and shook snow from the hood over my face. “I think it’s safe to say I’m not in Louisiana anymore, am I?”
“Silence,” chirped one of the high voices in a heavy accent.
“Stand down, Reynard,” boomed a deep voice. “I’ll take it from here.”
The hood suddenly came off, but I still couldn’t see. My eyes closed, suddenly assaulted by the bright light bouncing off the snow. After a few moments, they adjusted enough that I realized it wasn’t the middle of the day, but deep in the night. The only lights were haunting green and blue ethereal streamers dancing in the sky.
A man towered over me, silver-streaked black hair and a matching beard waving in the wind. He wore a fur-lined red jacket and matching sock hat. Arms as big as Christmas trees crossed over his chest. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he was a Russian bodybuilder dressed as Santa Claus.
To my right and left, a bunch of pointy-eared and scarred Oompa Loompas with AK-47s stood around menacingly.
“Is this what happens when you get put on the naughty list too many times?” I quipped.
“For generations, my family has held this office, fighting a thankless war,” said the big man. “Blood, sweat, tears, losses you can’t even imagine, all to keep the door shut and those things at bay. And in the space of a few months, not only do you break the door down, but you let one of them through.”
I glared at him. “If you’re talking about the seal and Mask, I destroyed that seal so he’d lose his foothold in the world. I don’t see what any of that has to do with you, pal. What is this place? Who are you assholes, and what’d you do to my friends?”
“I ask the questions around here,” said the big man with a grunt. “And that seal you destroyed was one of a whole network of seals reaching through the multi-verse. Destroying it caused a chain reaction that swept through them all, rendering reality itself unstable. I’ve spent the last six weeks trying to repair it, but I can’t close the last gate until I send you back where you belong.”
“Whoa, wait a minute. I don’t think I’m who you think I am.”
The blue-skinned man appeared next to the big guy. He was as skinny as a scarecrow, with a jaw you could use to slice cheese and a beak of a nose. Dressed all in blue, he looked right at home in the cold. “You see, Klaus? Reasoning with him is impossible. He doesn’t see the danger.”
“Klaus?” I choked out. “As in Santa?”
They ignored me, Klaus drawing his fingers through his beard. “I don’t know, Jack. Guy said he was exploring other options.”
Jack took a step forward. “And while you wait for the Voidwalker, the veil grows ever thinner. Our people are dying. Another assault like the one earlier, and there won’t be a North Pole to defend. And if we fall…”
“Earth falls.” Klaus sighed. “Take him to the workshop.”
Two elves grabbed me and pulled me to my feet. They were surprisingly strong for little guys.
“Wait a minute! Wait just a goddamn minute!” I shouted as they started to drag me away. “We can help each other. I’m on your side! I know Guy!”
Klaus refused to look at me. “I’m sorry. It’s out of my hands now. You’ve left us no choice.”
Jack smirked and followed us as the elves dragged me toward a big, red barn. “Extreme situations require extreme counter-measures.”
Two elves grunted and pushed aside the barn door while the first two dragged me over a sloped concrete floor with dark stains.
“Come on, guys.” I twisted my neck to glance behind me, hoping someone would come to my rescue, but there was no one there on my side. It was me and the Christmas creatures, all of which seemed to want to kill me. “This is about Mask, right? The piece of him that I’m supposed to be carrying around?”
Jack raised an eyebrow and folded his hands behind his back while the elves worked to drag me toward a workbench. “Supposed to be? You are. It’s been verified by an independent contractor. It must be removed.”
“But if you just remove it, you’ll kill me!”
He shrugged. “It’s a price I’m willing to pay for the good of all.”
“Except you won’t have to pay it, asshole. I will. Hey!”
The elves shoved me against a hard surface, a wooden table. Rope lowered from above and tightened around my arms and legs, securing me to the table. I pulled one arm free of the binding, only to stop when something sharp pricked my bicep. A feathery dart stuck out of the muscle, numbness spreading out from it. My arm fell limply to my side, and they finished securing me.
Another set of elves rolled out a table full of sharp implements. Jack ran his fingers over them, selecting a scalpel. The elves grabbed my shirt and ripped it in half, pulling it off of me.
“Hey! That was my best shirt! And damn it’s cold. Would it be too much to ask for a blanket?”
“Always so clever,” Jack muttered, approaching.
I strained against the ropes. “There’s got to be another way. Guy said there was! We were working on it!”
Jack held the scalpel up, studying his reflection in the polished steel. “I’m sure you were. Unfortunately, we cannot afford to wait. The enemy is at our doorstep. Guy has had all the time we can give him to come up with a solution, and he has failed.” He gripped my chin, turning my face sideways. “I’m sorry to have to do this, Mr. Kerrigan. I really am.”
I grimaced as he pressed the tip of the scalpel to my bare chest.
His nostrils suddenly flared and he made a sour face, turning away from me to cover his mouth and nose. “Ugh, that stench…”
Several elves began retching and hacking nearby.
Suddenly, a black line appeared mid-air like a wound torn open. Hands grabbed either side of the opening and pushed it apart. Guy emerged from the tear in reality and stumbled to the ground, covered in steaming dark green slime that reeked like rotten eggs. I’d never been so happy to see someone I barely knew.
“Guy!” I exclaimed. “Thank God you’re here. Tell these whackos we’re working on fixing what’s wrong with me so they’ll fuck off.”
Guy stood and shook some of the slimy green muck off him, tossing whole handfuls to the concrete. The stuff hissed and dissolved the floor a few inches deep everywhere it touched, though Guy seemed unfazed by it. “Yeah, what he said.”
Jack sighed and placed the scalpel back on the tray. “Listen here, you halfwit,” he said, addressing Guy. “I was against using you from the start for this very reason. You bumble through everything you do, surviving by sheer luck and stupidity. Neither of those things is reliable here. We’re at war, and if those creatures breach the Pole again, there won’t be enough of us left to repel them. The surest way to end this is to excise the piece of Mask, take it to the Nightlands, and leave it there.”
“He doesn’t have to die to do that,” Guy argued.
“Do you have a better way?”
Guy glanced at me.
Please say yes. Please say yes, I whispered as a silent prayer.
He cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m workin’ on it.”
I hung my head. Man, I am so screwed. I’ve got to conv
ince these guys to let me go, but how? I’ve got no friends here to back up any claims I make, and I’m thousands of miles from home, stranded at the North Pole with a bunch of crazy elves.
Jack opened his mouth, but his argument was cut short by a loud trumpet. His back went rigid and he spun, gripping the scalpel in a fist.
Guy slid behind me and untied the ropes holding me in place. I wasn’t prepared to suddenly have nothing holding me up and fell hard to the floor. Pain shot up my knees. The shrill blast of the trumpet sounded again.
“Looks like cutting out Mask is going to have to wait,” Guy said, dusting off his hands. He opened his oversized coat and pulled out a revolver.
“What is it?” I asked. “What’s happening?”
“Someone’s at the gate,” Jack growled and dropped the scalpel back to the tray and marched out of the workshop.
“Come on, kid,” Guy said, shrugging off his coat and offering it to me.
I wanted to correct him for calling me kid, but I was worried he’d take the coat back if I did and it was cold as hell. I took the coat, shrugged it on, and followed him out of the workshop, trying to keep my teeth from chattering.
Snow crunched under my shoes and slipped in through the top. It’d melt there and leave me with wet socks. Guy’s coat may’ve been oversized for him, but it barely fitted me. He was a skinny guy, and my tenure as Pale Horseman had me running around enough I’d put on a little muscle. I couldn’t quite get it closed, which left my bare chest exposed. The best I could do was cross my arms over my chest and hope I made enough friends to get a change of clothes later.
We walked past the truck that I’d woken up in and through a forest of eerie ice sculptures. In the dark, it was hard to tell them from real people until I almost bumped into a few. Up ahead, under a floodlight, stood Klaus and Jack at an iron gate. A barbed wire-topped fence stretched out on either side from the gate, going as far as I could see and reaching twelve feet tall. So much for being welcoming and friendly.