Our Lady of 121st Street

by Stephen Adly Guirgis

  BALTHAZAR: You’re not staying for the funeral?

  ROOFTOP: Nah, man—got my radio joint, six a.m. Prime-time drive time.

  BALTHAZAR: I thought we were gonna hang.

  ROOFTOP: Balthazar, when we strolled up in this joint, it was day—it ain’t day no more. That tells me we been hangin’. Right?

  BALTHAZAR: I guess … Salut.

  ROOFTOP: Yeah. Salut, brother. Salut, Flip.

  (They drink. Beat.)

  ROOFTOP: So, I can’t, like, go in there for a second, touch the casket, do a little kneel-down for a second?

  BALTHAZAR: Bro’, a crime has been committed. Evidence is being collected. When that’s all done, and if Sister Rose’s body is found, we’ll open up the room.

  ROOFTOP: And when’s that gonna be?

  BALTHAZAR: It’s gonna be when it’s gonna be. Shit.

  ROOFTOP: But the room’s gonna open?

  BALTHAZAR: What kinda question is that?! How am I supposed to know the answer to that question?!

  ROOFTOP: I’m juss inquiring!

  BALTHAZAR: Look, Rooftop, they’re keeping the waiting room open for us all night—so if you wanna go to the waiting room, pay your respects to a lamp and a box of Kleenex, and just jet on outta here, then be my fucking guest, okay?

  ROOFTOP: You don’t have to get all cantankerous, B.

  BALTHAZAR: I just thought you were gonna be here for a while, ya know? I got Mets tickets, I fixed up my extra room, I bought sheets—

  ROOFTOP: Why don’t you come back to L.A. with me then? Yeah! … B, I got a little spot in the Hills, Jacuzzi. I’m goin’ to a barbecue tomorrow night at Barry White’s crib, man—Barry White—and believe me, when Barry hosts a get-together, the brother throws down! You could come too, Flip—if ya want.

  BALTHAZAR: I can’t.

  ROOFTOP: Well, you should think on it. You been talkin’ ’bout comin’ out for a visit for years now. Lotta private security work out in L.A., man. Lotta rich mothahfuckahs who’d pay good money for a New York City detective to oversee their protection. You’d be clockin’ ducats to get a suntan, man! You got a girlfriend, B?

  BALTHAZAR: Nah.

  ROOFTOP: How ’bout you, Flip?

  FLIP: I’m married.

  ROOFTOP: (To FLIP) God bless ya. (To BALTHAZAR) All I’m sayin’: you divorced, you been a cop since you graduated high school, and—if I can speak frankly—you look about eighty-five years old, brother. The last jammy my man Barry threw—women outnumbered men ten to one, B, and thass all I’m gonna say about that!

  BALTHAZAR: I’m goin’ to the funeral—and you should too.

  ROOFTOP: Would if I could—

  BALTHAZAR: It’s fuckin’ Sister Rose, man.

  ROOFTOP: I’m done with funerals! Don’t mind a wake, but fuck a funeral, man. Buried my pops, my little brother. My godson—I was there for you on that, Balthazar. Right? Up on that hill, away from the crowd?

  BALTHAZAR: Yeah.

  ROOFTOP: All them crazy Dominicans on your ex-wife’s side tryin’ ta blame you, tryin’ ta tear your ass in two? That one mothahfuckah wit’ the stiletto? And your moms? … Shit, they shouldn’t make no kid-size caskets, oughta juss be one size fits all.

  BALTHAZAR: Anyway.

  (Beat. ROOFTOP drinks.)

  ROOFTOP: Damn, this is some lousy-ass cognac—they ain’t got no Henny up in here?

  FLIP: Sold out.

  ROOFTOP: This is some ridiculousness right here! The whole thing. Fuckin’ cognac, fuckin’ wake. Shit.

  BALTHAZAR: Salut!

  ROOFTOP: Salut.

  (They drink. Silence.)

  FLIP: I was, I was thinkin’ ’bout your brother’s funeral before, Rooftop.

  ROOFTOP: Lil’ Chrissy.

  BALTHAZAR: Chrissy was a good kid.

  ROOFTOP: He was a dumb-ass kid is what he was! I mean, I know you was tight with him, Flip, but shit—how many kids fell down elevator shafts that summer—like, six?! Every other day on the Eyewitness News, Bill Buetel talkin’ ’bout “another young boy falls to his death today”—wasn’t like the word wasn’t out! Stay away from the fuckin’ elevator!! But, nah, Chrissy always had to be nosy, adventurous—

  BALTHAZAR: We were the same—

  ROOFTOP: Balthazar, did you fall down an elevator shaft that summer?! Did Flip? Did I? Did any of Chrissy and Flip’s crew? Chrissy didn’t have no sense, and subsequently, he didn’t have no eleventh birthday party neither!

  FLIP: I juss … I juss remember after the funeral, still being in my little suit, and walking over to that spot in the projects where me and Chrissy always used ta be at—and you two were there.

  BALTHAZAR: (To ROOFTOP) Drinkin’ on some pink champale, remember?

  FLIP: I remember seeing you, Rooftop, and you lookin’ at me real hard—I thought you was gonna maybe hit me or chase me away—but then you just handed me the bottle and said, “Sip on this for Chrissy.” And I … I had never tasted liquor before, but I started to put the bottle to my lips anyway, and then you were like, “Got to spill a little on the ground first, kid.” So I did, but I felt nervous because I had fucked up and I spilt a little bit of it on my pants and shoes. But then, I took my sip, and I passed the bottle over to you, Balthazar, and then, I looked over at you, Rooftop, and you, you came over to me and just gave me this hug, and I juss remember it felt real good, especially at that moment, ’cuz it was like you didn’t hesitate, and … and it just felt good, ya know?

  ROOFTOP: Yeah. I know.

  FLIP: I listen to you on the radio sometimes.

  ROOFTOP: Ya do?

  FLIP: You come on some satellite, computer thing that’s hooked into my cable TV.

  ROOFTOP: Where you live at?

  FLIP: Wisconsin.

  ROOFTOP: ‘Cuz you know, they talkin’ about takin’ the show national.

  BALTHAZAR: For real?

  ROOFTOP: Yeah, brother. See, right now, we number three behind Steve Harvey and Large in Charge.

  BALTHAZAR: Who’s Large in Charge?

  ROOFTOP: Some fat mothahfuckah thinks he’s somebody ’cuz he’s a fat mothahfuckah—but he ain’t got no game. All’s he got is billboards. It’s all about the billboards out there.

  BALTHAZAR: You got a billboard?

  ROOFTOP: Yeah. You wanna see a photo?

  (ROOFTOP goes into his wallet.)

  BALTHAZAR: Oh, shit—look who’s here.

  ROOFTOP: (reflexively) Inez?!

  BALTHAZAR: Look.

  (FATHER LUX wheels toward the table.)

  ROOFTOP: Aw, man, now what’s all this about?

  FATHER LUX: (To FLIP and BALTHAZAR) Hello … (To ROOFTOP) Didn’t recognize you with the hat and glasses.

  ROOFTOP: Tryin’ ta keep it on the D.L., know what I’m sayin’?

  FATHER LUX: Ah. You’re hiding.

  ROOFTOP: Not “hiding,” juss not advertising.

  FATHER LUX: Hiding.

  ROOFTOP: You a funny cat, you know that?

  FATHER LUX: If you’re not hiding, take off the hat and glasses.

  ROOFTOP: I am a grown man, Father—I believe I can attire myself as I please.

  BALTHAZAR: You wanna drink, Father?

  FATHER LUX: I want a dry Manhattan desperately—I plan to have three once I’m finished here.

  ROOFTOP: Finished? Finished what?

  FATHER LUX: Look you—Take off your hat and glasses.

  ROOFTOP: Now, Father, you a father, and a war veteran, cut off at the knees and all, and you ain’t a bad guy, but—

  FATHER LUX: Take off your hat and glasses or I’ll turn around and leave right now.

  ROOFTOP: Yeah, well, forgive me, Father, but that ain’t much of a terrifying threat.

  FATHER LUX: It’s not?

  (Beat. ROOFTOP takes off his shit.)

  ROOFTOP: You an annoying mothahfuckah, and I don’t feel no guilt saying it.

  FATHER LUX: Look at me.

  ROOFTOP: What?

  (FATHER LUX extends his hands.)

&nb
sp; FATHER LUX: I want you to pray with me. Will you pray with me?

  ROOFTOP: Pray?! Goddamnit, Father—this is a bar—ain’t no tabernacle!

  FATHER LUX: You don’t think God is here now?

  ROOFTOP: I don’t know.

  FATHER LUX: God spends a lot more time here than he does next door.

  ROOFTOP: Yeah, well, that explains a lot!

  FATHER LUX: Take my hands now. Pray with me.

  ROOFTOP: C’mon, man! I’m here with my peeps, took the damn red-eye, no sleep—

  FATHER LUX: Say the Lord’s Prayer with me. Would you do that?

  ROOFTOP: For what?

  FATHER LUX: Would you say the Lord’s Prayer with me? Then I’ll go.

  (Beat. ROOFTOP takes FATHER LUX’s hands.)

  ROOFTOP: You a pest, Lux. Fuckin’ pesty.

  FATHER LUX: Okay … Ready?

  ROOFTOP: How’s that go again?

  FATHER LUX: “Our father—”

  ROOFTOP: Right, yeah, of course.

  FATHER LUX: (To BALTHAZAR) Care to join?

  BALTHAZAR: Sorry, Father—I don’t do that no more.

  FATHER LUX: (To FLIP) How about you?

  FLIP: You don’t mind?

  FATHER LUX: Come on, son. Okay … Let’s speak it silently, but together, and with care.

  ROOFTOP: Right. Let’s roll.

  (They pray the Lord’s Prayer silently. BALTHAZAR takes this all in. A beat.)

  (ROOFTOP and FATHER LUX regard each other.)

  FATHER LUX: I saw your ex-wife.

  ROOFTOP: Inez?!

  FATHER LUX: I mean, that’s what this is all about, isn’t it?

  ROOFTOP: Where’d you see Inez at?

  FATHER LUX: Is Inez what this is all about?

  ROOFTOP: You didn’t speak to her, did you?!

  FATHER LUX: No.

  ROOFTOP: Don’t lie.

  FATHER LUX: What made you decide to come to confession today?

  ROOFTOP: Hold up! What was she doin’ when ya saw her?

  FATHER LUX: Talking on her cell phone.

  ROOFTOP: And how’d you know it was her?

  FATHER LUX: Because it was her.

  ROOFTOP: She had on that dark red dress?

  FATHER LUX: Ah. You saw her too.

  ROOFTOP: So?!

  FATHER LUX: So, did you see her before or after you were suddenly overcome—after thirty years—with the desire for spiritual absolution?

  ROOFTOP: Now dass … dass private!

  BALTHAZAR: Take a walk, Flip?

  FLIP: Sure.

  (BALTHAZAR and FLIP begin rising.)

  FATHER LUX: No. Stay … (To ROOFTOP) I will not leave without an answer.

  ROOFTOP: Nah, man. Nah.

  (Beat)

  FATHER LUX: I’m not a good priest. I don’t visit the sick because I’m afraid to go outside in my vestments. They don’t let me say Mass anymore. I haven’t left the rectory next door since I was transferred here nine months ago. And I don’t want to. Black people scare me. I don’t particularly like them. Or you, really. Most of the time, I don’t believe in God at all, and when I do, I’m furious at Him … That’s as honest as I can be.

  (Beat)

  ROOFTOP: I seen her before I came to see ya. She didn’t see me, but I saw her. After she turned the corner, I opened up the car door and I vomited everything I had inside me onto the sidewalk—and I mean everything. My kidneys were flappin’ against my ribs. My heart was pullin’ against my chest. I tried to keep blowin’ till my soul came up—just ta see if I still had one, but nothing came up, Father—nothin’. Just air …

  FATHER LUX: I can fix that.

  ROOFTOP: C’mon man, you a old, racist, tired, mothahfuckin’ pegleg mothahfuckah, you can’t fix nothing.

  FATHER LUX: If you really believed that, you wouldn’t be sitting here. And you wouldn’t have walked into my confessional this morning.

  ROOFTOP: But Father …

  FATHER LUX: Tell me everything you’ve ever done in your entire life that you feel killed your soul.

  ROOFTOP: But that’ll take days!

  FATHER LUX: I don’t have a problem with that. Do you?

  Scene 2: The Bar and Grill, 2 a.m.

  (MARCIA sits alone at a table. GAIL, also alone, is vaguely visible at the bar. Quiet. EDWIN storms in upset, sees MARCIA, looks for a seat as far from her as possible.)

  MARCIA: Is there something going on out there I should know about?

  EDWIN: What?!

  MARCIA: I said: Is there something going on out there that I should know about?

  EDWIN: That you should know about? No.

  MARCIA: But there’s something going on out there?

  EDWIN: What?!

  MARCIA: I said: But there’s something going on out there?

  EDWIN: Going on out where?

  MARCIA: Out there! Is there something going on out there?!

  EDWIN: What are you yellin’ about?! No! There is nothing going on out there!

  MARCIA: I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, the way you barged in, I thought, maybe—

  EDWIN: Well, you thought incorrect, okay?!

  MARCIA: Yeah, screw you too.

  EDWIN: Excuse me?!

  MARCIA: I said: Blow it out your ass and dry up! Oaf!

  EDWIN: Look! The best thing you could do right now would be to refrain your ass!

  MARCIA: Refrain my ass?! Refrain my ass from what?!

  EDWIN: Juss shut it off, okay?! Shut it up and shut it off!

  MARCIA: Jackass.

  EDWIN: Ya know—there’s a word for you!

  MARCIA: There’s lots of words for you—why don’t you go buy a children’s book and learn some?!