Somebody Love Me (Journeys)

by Michelle Sutton

  "I wanted to try you out myself." He laughed at my attempt to stand. "Just kidding. Relax and enjoy yourself. I won't bite."

  This time I did manage to get up, but he easily sat me back on the kitchen chair since I could barely stand. Nausea bubbled up in my throat when I thought about his comment. Surely he wouldn't do that with me when he had a girlfriend who happened to be my friend. I must've heard him wrong.

  "I want to go home." A slight whine tainted my voice, but I was tired and a bit drunk. Not so much that I wanted to throw up, though. At this point I would have puked on his floor just to show him how much he revolted me.

  "Hey, you said it yourself. It's too late to catch a bus now." He shrugged and said with a smirk, "I wouldn't go outside by myself if I were you, so you might as well spend the night with me."

  I stared at him in shock. The intense look in his gaze suggested he wasn't planning to let me sleep. Tears sprung to my eyes and I felt like I was choking. He'd trapped me.

  Dirk didn't have a car, and I couldn't go outside. Hitchhiking wasn't an option. There were no buses. I'd gotten myself into the situation and I couldn't get out.

  I could hear people arguing next door and I didn't want to get mixed up with people who were drunk and fighting. So while I dreaded it, I asked Dirk what he thought I should do in the hopes he'd help me find a ride home and leave me alone.

  He smiled and handed me another beer. I sucked it down until I became light-headed and woozy. I never finished the last can. I knew from Mary and Cathy's party stories that if I kept going I would've gotten sick, and though I wanted to make a mess just to spite him, at the same time I didn't need to barf on top of everything else. Plus, I hated vomiting and the pinched feeling in my gut told me I wasn't far from that point.

  Dirk gave me some potato chips and a cheese sandwich, which helped settle my stomach a little, but it still hurt. Whenever I got stressed, I got bad pains in my gut. I told Dirk I didn't feel much better, so he cracked open a kitchen drawer. He pulled out a pipe and a bag of stuff that looked like pot. I'd seen marijuana before, so I knew what weed looked like. Maybe it would help.

  "This will calm your stomach down. Chill now, woman, I was only messing with your head." He winked and prepared a bowl of pot. Flicking the lighter, he tilted it and lit the stuff in the pipe. He sucked in a deep breath. While trying not to cough, he handed it to me. I'd seen Fish and his friend smoking bowls of reefer before, so I knew what to do.

  From the looks of things I'd be stuck there all night anyway, so I took a long pull on the pipe hoping it would help me relax. He promised I'd be safe, right? He coughed, slowly releasing the smoke from his lungs. I copied him and did the same. Only I coughed a lot more than he did, until I could barely catch my breath.

  Not wanting to look like an ignorant child, I took a few more hits off the pipe hoping it would make the morning arrive sooner. If I passed out he'd probably leave me alone. Since his crude comment, he hadn't touched me, so I clung to the hope that he had been joking and would never cheat on Jenny.

  Pretty soon I didn't care what happened to me. No doubt that had been Dirk's plan all along -- to make me weak and more vulnerable. I was floating, and internal thoughts filled my mind that made me laugh out loud. I had no worries at that point, only a giggle bug that wouldn't go away.

  Chapter Four

  Dirk studied me as if assessing my mood, which was semi-hysterical, to say the least. I heard myself talking stupid and saying things that made no sense, but I couldn't stop. He encouraged my silliness by cracking funny jokes. Then out of the blue he started talking about his friend Mike, but referred to him as "the dick head."

  "I know what you planned to do with Mike. Jenny and I were going to join you."

  All humor left me when I realized what he was implying. "Huh?"

  Apparently Jenny had spilled our plans to him, but according to him she had a different version of what would happen than I remembered. I shrugged, not wanting to sound easy or like I wanted that kind of action. Sure, I'd thought about having sex eventually, but never once had I told her I wanted to do it with Mike that night, or that I hoped they'd join us. That sounded disgusting.

  "I know you're a virgin. That's cool," Dirk said with a lazy smile. "I like breaking in virgins. I just wish my girl was here with me to share the experience."

  "What?" I swallowed hard, still a bit stupid in the head from the cheap beer and smoking dope. Maybe I hadn't heard him right. Or I had a wild and kinky imagination. No, that didn't sound like my thoughts. I must have heard him wrong.

  I tried to clarify for him, so I said with a serious tone, "Jenny says having sex is the most amazing experience in the world. I admit she's got me curious about it, but she never mentioned doing a group thing. I never would have agreed to that."

  "She thinks it's great because she's slept with me." He offered me a cigarette, and I accepted. "No worries about the group sex. It was just a thought."

  I exhaled my worries and reassured myself that he wasn't going to do anything with Jenny not being here. "Thanks for the smoke."

  "No problem." He smiled and ran his thumb over my cheek until it rested on my chin. He tried to tip my face in his direction, but I lit up and turned my head to avoid eye contact with him.

  Dirk shifted his chair so he sat closer to me. Rather than scaring me like it would have if I'd been sober, his proximity caused an insane giggle to burst from my lips and I started out-of-control laughing instead. Terror has been known to make me giggle uncontrollably at times, so it was hard to tell exactly what motivated my spasms. I'd never gotten smashed before, but I could see the appeal of getting wasted now.

  "Were you planning on having sex with Mike if the dick head showed up?"

  I sobered again and took another puff from my cigarette. I was getting pretty good at smoking without coughing up a lung. I shook my head. "No way. I just talked to him on the phone. I haven't even met him yet."

  "I thought Jenny said you wanted to come to my place and hang out because you wanted Mike to pop your cherry." Dirk took a long pull on his cigarette as he studied my mouth. "I even made my bed with clean sheets just for the two of you."

  I coughed my surprise as I exhaled. Were we actually having this conversation? "What are you talking about? Why would I have sex with a guy I just met?"

  What else had Jenny told him? Why was he looking at me like that? Now I was starting to feel a bit scared. I needed to stay calm, or things could get out of hand fast.

  "Since Mike's not coming, I could help you out." He shrugged. "I don't mind at all, and Jenny doesn't have to know anything."

  My heart felt like it had stopped beating. Had I heard him right? "What?"

  He grabbed my chin, forcing me to look at him, and said with a deadpan expression, "I said I'd do it for you. I'll pop your cherry. It'll be my pleasure."

  So I hadn't imagined what he'd said. Bile rose in my throat. What was I supposed to do now? I was stuck alone with him and I had no way home. Plus, he was my friend's boyfriend. I didn't think he was cute at all, and his body odor grossed me out. He was twenty-one, and I was only fifteen. I could think of a ton of reasons why it was a bad idea. I turned my face away so he had to release my chin.

  "I don't think I can. Sorry, but Jenny's my friend." Not sure why I was being polite to him, I added. "She'd kill me."

  Why was I explaining why I refused to have sex with him? I must be losing my flippin' mind. The fog from the dope and beer wasn't helping my ability to reason.

  "We won't tell her a thing. You'll love it, I promise."

  He was practically drooling as he held my chin again and leaned closer.

  While I was toasted, I was aware enough to know I didn't like what he was trying one bit. No way was my friend's boyfriend going to have sex with me. Not without a fight, anyway.

  "Maybe we should try calling Jenny again? Maybe she can come over now."

  Blinking, he released his hold on my face. "Sure, I'll call her. But she doesn't
have a car and I doubt her parents will bring her by at this hour."

  While he dialed, I finished my cigarette and prayed to God she'd answer. I rarely prayed, but this situation seemed to need prayer more than most. Not that God would want to help a liar like me. But how I hoped he would.

  Dirk hung up and eyed me with interest. "The bitch isn't answering her phone. Guess you're stuck with me tonight, honey."

  Did he just call her what I thought he did? How could this disgusting guy be the love of her life? He was a pig. Maybe she was delusional. Maybe I'd been conned by them both. All I knew was I wanted out of there.

  "Maybe I should go." I stood and walked to the door.

  He grabbed my hand before I could reach for the knob. "There aren't any busses running this late and you could get raped out there. I don't have money to give you for a cab, either."

  Neither did I. Drat. Maybe I could use the phone and call a friend first, but if that didn't work I'd call my dad. Even being grounded would be better than this.

  "Do you really want your parents to find out you lied to come over here?"

  At this point I'd risk it. "I'll take my chances. I just need to use the phone."

  He unplugged it and shoved the cord in his pocket.

  My shoulders slumped. I couldn't leave and now he wasn't going to let me call anyone. He outweighed and out-muscled me, too.

  Grunting, I nodded. "Okay, fine. I'll sleep here, but you can't touch me."

  He laughed. "Whatever. I only have one bed. Unless you prefer the floor."

  I glanced at the carpet and could swear I saw something move. No way was I sleeping on a floor that had bugs running around in the dark. "I'll take the bed."

  "Then you'll have to share a bed with me. I don't sleep on the floor."

  "But what if Jenny shows up and finds me in bed with you? She'll kill us."

  He offered a wicked grin. "I don't care what she thinks. I just want to feel you up."

  What I just said sounded like I wanted to go to bed with him. Panic shot adrenaline through my veins and more sobriety came along with it. I fisted my hands and growled, "I meant sleeping in your bed, not messing around with you. Stop saying stuff like that. You're making me nervous."

  "Do you need another beer to loosen up?" He offered the can to me that I had barely started as he undressed me with his gaze. I might not have had experience beyond kissing and some petting, but I'd watched enough movies to know what that lustful look in his eyes meant.

  "No. That's okay. I don't want to pass out and I don't know how much more I can drink before that happens." My bladder now ached, so I asked to use the bathroom.

  He touched my arm. "You really are an innocent, aren't you?"

  "I just need to use the restroom." I glanced away from him. The way he kept looking at me made my skin crawl. How had I gotten myself into this mess? Oh yeah, I'd lied to my parents.

  He pointed toward the bathroom and I stepped inside. My stomach cramped and once again my eyes filled with tears. I took care of my business and noted there was no window to climb out of. Despair knocked the wind from me as I leaned over the sink and flushed the nasty toilet. At this point the tears kept coming and I didn't try to stop them.

  Walking toward his bed, I sat down and scooted as far away from him as possible. With a sigh, I yanked off my sneakers and set them on the floor. Then I pulled down the sheets and slid under them. I just needed to fall asleep before he got any more ideas. Too bad I didn't feel wasted anymore. Sheer terror had perked me right up, making me tremble even though I was fully clothed and it wasn't exactly cold in his apartment.

  Dirk chuckled. He pulled off his shirt and pants until he wore nothing. My eyes widened. I'd never seen a naked man before.

  He slipped into bed beside me and said, "I always sleep naked. Just ask Jenny."

  No way was I telling her I saw her boyfriend naked.

  Dirk reached for me and whispered, "I'm not tired, so if you want to get started right now, I'm all yours, baby."

  Couldn't he see I wanted nothing to do with him? I still had all of my clothes on. Had I not made it clear that I wasn't interested? Maybe he didn't care what I wanted.

  "I just want to sleep," I rolled as far away from him as I could get without falling on the floor. Something in my gut told me he wasn't going to leave me alone.

  His hand slipped under the sheets and he tugged at my shirt.

  "Stop," I rammed my elbow back at him and tried to curl into a fetal position.

  "I love it when girls play hard to get." He chuckled and straightened my body using both of his arms to pull my knees from my chest. As soon as he had better access, he unsnapped my pants.

  Swatting at his hands, I cried, "Get off me."

  I might as well be talking to a deaf person. He ignored me and yanked my pants and underwear off. Then he rolled me the rest of the way over until he lay on top of me. Now flat on my back, he pinned my arms above my head with one hand. "This will be quick and mostly painless, I promise."

  Tears rushed from my eyes and I sobbed, "Please don't do this."

  Pinning me down with his thighs, he yanked off my shirt so I lay beneath him wearing only my bra, but he pulled that off too.

  Attempting to cross my arms to cover my breasts, I cried when I realized he wouldn't let me go. "Please stop," I cried. "If you let me go now I won't tell anyone."

  "You'll enjoy it. And I promise I won't get you pregnant. I've got rubbers." He reached inside the end table, probably looking for one.

  Panic made me strong enough to push him off me. I leapt from the bed and tried to grab my clothes to put them back on.

  Fury darkened his face. "Get back here. I was just getting some protection, but I don't have to use it, bitch."

  I cried harder. "I want to go."

  He ignored me and pulled me back down on the bed. He pinned me beneath him. I choked from the terror and sobbed, but it didn't slow him down. Once I realized I couldn't stop him no matter what I did, my mind left my body and slipped into a different realm.

  "That's better, baby. You'll enjoy it. You'll see."

  He manhandled my private parts and did sick things I'll never forget. He grunted and shoved my legs apart with his knee.

  A sharp pain made me gasp and I felt like he was splitting me in half. I thrashed on the bed, trying to shake him off me, but he was too strong. After what seemed like forever, though it was probably no more than a few minutes, he grunted and rolled off me. "Fighting me will just make it worse," he said as he tried to catch his breath.

  My entire body shook as I retreated somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind and tried to process everything. This couldn't be happening. I wasn't here with Jenny's boyfriend. It was all just a horrible nightmare. But the sharp pain between my legs told me it had happened and it was very real.

  My whole life had been turned upside down over one stupid decision. When I lied to my parents, I had no idea it would turn out this way. Why had I lied? Was this some type of cosmic punishment?

  Dirk talked to me in soothing tones, like he thought it would make me feel better. I hated him. I could feel him stroking my body as he tried to engage me and get me to open my legs willingly for him. But I refused and clamped my thighs together. He whispered something in my ear, but I didn't want to listen to his twisted comments, so I blocked out everything and prayed it would be over soon. I had never felt so disgusting, dirty, and helpless in my life.

  Crying didn't seem to have any effect on him, and in fact it seemed to spur him on even more. The agony of waiting while he violated me again made me shut down. I just wanted to crawl inside myself and die.

  So I retreated further into myself. I don't remember much more about that night, nor do I want to think about how many times he hurt me. My heart was all torn up inside and the emotional agony was unbearable. Now frazzled beyond repair, I lay still on the bed, probably in shock. And the crazy thing was all I could think about was how my friend would hate me.

  Mo
re than that, I hated myself.

  Chapter Five

  After trying unsuccessfully to sleep, I must have drifted off at some point because the next morning when I woke up Dirk wasn't in the bed. I heard water in the other room and it sounded like he was taking a shower. I quickly dressed and ran for the door before he could catch me. I ran as fast as my legs would allow and headed to the bus stop.

  Thankfully it was early enough so that no one was outside yet. I'd heard bad neighborhoods were safe early in the morning. I guess even drunks needed to sleep, right? The early bus came crawling down the street toward me and I nearly wept with relief because escape was finally possible. Reaching into my pocket for a quarter, I found one and glanced over my shoulder one last time.

  It wasn't until I got on the bus and it headed back to my neighborhood that I finally felt safe enough to let myself cry. One thing I knew for certain, though, was after that experience I never wanted to speak to Jenny again. I'd quit the choir and avoid her forever. I didn't know what else to do.

  At least her rapist boyfriend had made sure he wouldn't get me pregnant when he'd used half a box of condoms with me, or so it seemed. As I rode the bus home, I realized he probably didn't care about whether or not he got me pregnant. He just didn't want any physical evidence inside me that would prove what he'd done.

  The selfish bastard. I hoped he'd rot in hell.

  I sat on the picnic table by the back door and waited for my dad to leave the house for work. The moment my dad stepped outside, I sobbed in relief. I needed a hug from my daddy and reassurance that I'd be okay. My father looked genuinely surprised when he saw me sitting there. "Are you okay, honey?"

  That had to be the stupidest question my dad had ever asked me. My eyes had to be red and swollen, not to mention I could feel the dried snot sticking to my face. I had to look horrible and didn't need a mirror to figure that out.

  "Oh, I'm just great," was my sarcastic response.

  He stared at me a few moments. I couldn't help glaring back at him. How could he not see my misery? Or maybe he didn't want to see it. When he nodded and walked past me to the garage so he could get into his car and head to work, anguish rose in my throat again and I wanted to throw something. Or scream after him and chase him down the road as he drove off.