Poison & Wine

by Melissa Toppen

  “Well, you know Lance. That’s just the kind of guy he is.”

  “Yeah,” I murmur.

  “Hey.” She knocks her knee against mine. “Is everything okay? You seem kind of off.”

  “No, I’m fine. Just have a lot on my mind.”

  “Please tell me this doesn’t have anything to do with Jace.” Just the mention of his name causes my entire body to tense.

  “What?” I balk. “Of course not.”

  “You’re a shit liar. You know that, right?” She grins. “Now spill. What’s up?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Listen, I know I’m not very supportive where Jace is concerned, but if something is going on, you know you can tell me.”

  “I know. But there isn’t anything going on. I went to see him in rehab three weeks ago and that was it. I haven’t spoken to him since.”

  “But that doesn’t mean you aren’t thinking about him.”

  “It’s complicated. He’s Ellie’s father. What if he actually gets clean this time? What if he turns his life around? How am I supposed to tell him that he has a daughter that I’ve been keeping from him for years?”

  “I don’t know Jace the way you do, but if he’s anything like the guy you never shut up about when we were teenagers, I’m sure he’ll understand. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Oak. Sometimes you have to do things to protect your child. Things that may seem wrong or deceitful. But at the end of the day, that little girl is all that matters.”

  “You’re right.” I blow out a breath.

  “But I have to ask, are you sure that’s all there is?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean, is it just the Ellie thing that’s got you all in that head of yours or is there something else?”

  “Like what?”

  “Like, I don’t know. That maybe you still have feelings for him.”

  “I don’t,” I deny immediately. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always love Jace. But what we had was over a long time ago.”

  “Yeah but saying it’s over and it actually being over are two very different things. You can’t always dictate what your heart wants. Most often times it doesn’t listen.”

  “What are you implying? That I still want to be with him?”

  “Well, do you?”

  “Of course not. He’s an addict. He’ll always be an addict. It was different when it was just me. I could handle his ups and downs. But I have Ellie to think about. And what she needs is stability. Not a father who is going to bounce in and out of her life because he values a needle over his own flesh and blood.”

  “But what if the drugs weren’t a factor?”

  “But they are.”

  “But what if they weren’t? Would you feel differently?”

  “You know I would. If drugs weren’t a factor, I never would have left. Jace was my whole world. You saw what walking away from him did to me.”

  “So let’s say, hypothetically, that rehab sticks this time. Let’s say he’s still clean six months from now, or a year from now, do you think that would make you feel differently?”

  “Why are you asking me all these questions all of a sudden? Last time I checked, you were as anti-Jace as they came.”

  “Still am. I don’t think he’s good for you, or for Ellie, but something has been off since you went to see him. You’ve been quiet, in your head. Lance has noticed too.”

  “So that’s what the twenty questions is about? Lance?”

  “Yes and no.”

  “You’re going to have to give me more than that, Keira.” I cross my arms in front of myself.

  “Lance is a great guy, and as much as I wanted you two to get together, if your heart’s not in it, maybe you shouldn’t string him along.”

  “Is that what you think I’m doing?” I draw back like she’s physically slapped me across the face.

  “No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just… I’m worried about you. I know the effect Jace has had on you. That’s why I thought it was a bad idea for you to visit him. And I think I was right.”

  “Maybe you were. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to see him. But what’s done is done. I can’t go back and make a different choice.”

  “Then tell me, honestly, how are you feeling? And I mean really. Since you’ve seen Jace.”

  “I don’t know.” I uncross and re-cross my arms.

  I don’t know why she’s bringing this up now. I told her everything that we talked about and how he looked the day after I saw him. I’m not sure what else she expects me to say.

  “No judgements,” she reassures me. “I know I’m not the easiest person to talk to about this particular subject, mainly because I want to murder the guy for what he did to you, but I’m here for you and I want you to know that you can tell me.”

  I consider her words for a long moment before deciding that it might actually do me some good to talk to her about this.

  “When I went there, a part of me expected for all those feelings to be gone. I thought that when I saw him, the four years that had passed would have somehow lessened the effect he had on me.”

  “But it didn’t?”

  “Not even a little bit. I felt the same way I always did. Excited. Jittery. Overwhelmed. It’s like even though my mind knows it’s over, my stupid heart still beats like it belongs to him.”

  “Maybe because it still does.”

  “Keira.” I glare at her.

  “I’m just saying, you can’t help who you love. Does that mean I’m hoping for some miraculous reunion, no. In fact, I’m hoping he falls off the face of the Earth.” She smiles. “No offense.”

  “None taken.” I chuckle.

  “I guess my point is, you’re going to feel how you feel and there’s not much you can do to change it. But don’t bottle it up inside, either. Don’t push away the people that care about you because you don’t think they’ll understand. And don’t ruin the good thing you have with Lance because he can’t live up to the memory of Jace. Let’s be real, no one ever will. And that’s just the sad truth. But what you two have is good. It’s really good.”

  “I know.” I blow out a breath. “I just can’t help but feel like something is missing.”

  “Maybe that’s because you’re holding back. With Jace you were all in. But you’ve never truly been all in with Lance.”

  “Maybe.” I consider what she’s saying. Not able to deny that she’s not wrong. I know I’ve been holding back. I just don’t know why.

  Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to get too close to someone again. Maybe it’s because a part of me feels guilty for moving on with someone else when, for half my life, I belonged to Jace, and him to me. I’m not sure I even fully understand my hesitance.

  “He loves you, Oak. And he adores Ellie.”

  “I know.”

  As if right on cue, Ellie comes running into Keira’s room wearing a Cinderella dress and plastic heels, two large beaded necklaces hanging around her neck.

  When we moved out, Keira kept Ellie’s room the same and we left quite a few toys here, including her dress up chest. Because she spends so much time here, Keira wanted to keep things familiar for Ellie, which I appreciate more than she will ever know. Ellie tells people she has two homes. Mama’s and Aunt Kiki’s.

  “Oh my goodness.” Kiera stands. “Look how pretty of a princess you are.” She kneels down when Ellie stops in front of her.

  “I’m Cinderella.” She swirls the bottom of her dress.

  “You are the prettiest Cinderella I’ve ever seen.” Kiera taps her nose, causing her to giggle.

  “Mama, will you come dress up with me?” She turns her bright blue eyes on me.

  “Actually, baby, we need to head home soon. Aunt Kiki has to leave for her trip.”

  “Nooooo!” she wails, stomping her foot dramatically.

  “Ellie.” I give her a stern look to which she replies with one of her own. Her forehead is squished together as she squints her eyes and curls her nose.


  “Tell you what,” Keira cuts into our stare off, “as soon as I get back I’ll come pick you up and we will go out for ice cream. How does that sound?”

  “Can I have cwocolate cwip?” she asks, struggling with the ‘w’ sound.

  “You can have anything you want.”

  “Okay.” Ellie turns, skipping out of the room seconds later like nothing even happened.

  “I swear that girl.” I shake my head.

  “You’re going to have your hands full with that one. God help you when she’s a teenager.”

  “Yeah, I’m already trying to mentally prepare myself.” I laugh, pushing to a stand. “Well, I guess we should get out of your hair. Will you call me when you make it to the hotel? Let me know you got there okay.”

  “I will.” She pulls me into a quick hug. “And I’ll make sure to keep that boyfriend of yours in check.”

  “You do that.” I force a smile that doesn’t quite feel genuine. “Speaking of Lance, I should probably call him before he hits the road.”

  “You better do that soon. He’s supposed to be here to pick me up in like a half an hour,” she informs me of yet another piece of information I did not know. Why neither of them thought it was pertinent to tell me that the four of them were not only rooming together, but apparently making the trip down together as well is beyond me. Any other girlfriend would probably be pissed, and while I don’t like being kept out of the loop, I really don’t care that much, if I’m being honest. “Now get your cute butt out of here so I can finish packing.” She shoos me toward the door.

  “Yeah. Yeah.” I turn. “Have fun,” I say, throwing a wave over my shoulder.

  “You know I will,” she calls back as I head down the hallway to Ellie’s room.

  It takes me ten minutes to coax her out of the Cinderella dress, and another five to finally get her out the door. The only problem with keeping so many of her toys at Keira’s is that she wants to take half of the stuff with her every time she leaves.

  As I start to pull away from the curb, I see Lance’s car pull into the driveway in my rearview mirror. My initial thought is that I should stop to get out and give him a hug and kiss before he leaves, but for some reason it’s the last thing I want to do.

  So instead, I face forward, pretend like I don’t see him, and quickly drive away.

  Chapter Eight

  JACE

  * * *

  “Hey Jace, can you give me a hand with this really quick?” I look up to see Mike standing a few feet from me, his body angled underneath the hood of a car.

  I started working at Vance’s Auto a week ago, thanks to Tommy who had enough pull with the owner to get me a part time job just a few days out of rehab. It isn’t anything glamourous, but it’s a paycheck and something to keep me busy.

  I don’t know shit about working on cars, so mainly I’ve been an errand boy. I help out when a mechanic needs an extra set of hands, clean up around the shop, and make parts runs when necessary. All in all it’s been good for me.

  “Yeah, what’s up?” I make my way over to Mike.

  “I’m having trouble getting this hose loose. Can you hold this out of my way?” He gestures to the hose overlapping the one he’s trying to pry loose.

  “Sure.” I lean under the hood and place my hand where he indicates.

  “So, how are you liking the job?”

  “It’s good.”

  “Good?” He snorts, throwing me a sideways look.

  “When you come from the lifestyle I was living, anything that keeps me busy is good.”

  “Yeah, I heard something about that.” He turns his gaze back down to the car. “You just got out of rehab, didn’t you?”

  “Just a few days ago.”

  “Drugs or alcohol?”

  “Both,” I admit, knowing there’s no point in hiding it. He’s probably heard the entire story from Tommy already anyway.

  “Drug of choice?”

  My skin instantly starts to tingle and I feel the urge begin to build.

  “Heroin.” I swallow hard, my throat suddenly dry.

  They tell you in rehab that the urge doesn’t ever go away, not completely anyway. But since I’ve never managed to make it this far out of rehab without relapsing, I don’t think I realized just how hard it would be.

  Every street I walk, every store I enter, I find myself scouring the crowd, looking for the familiar signs of a dealer. Signs that only a user would be able to detect.

  “Ahhh, must run in the family,” he says, his focus on what he’s doing.

  “Yeah, something like that,” I grumble.

  “He get you into it or you him?”

  “Neither.” I answer once his question has time to register with me. “He left home when I was still pretty young. We only just recently reconnected.”

  “So you’re telling me it’s by chance that you both struggle with the same addiction?” He finally gets the hose loose, releasing moments later as he straightens and turns to face me.

  “Our father’s an addict too. Mainly alcohol, but he’s been known to snort shit up his nose from time to time. Guess you can say we were born into the lifestyle.”

  “That sucks, man. But I feel your pain.” He reaches for an oil stained rag, wiping his hands on it moments later. “I’m coming up on my three year. Whiskey was my weakness, but honestly I would have drank anything I could get my hands on.”

  This news surprises me, as Mike seems like the kind of guy who has his shit together. In the week that I’ve worked with him, he’s always on time, always on task, and is an overall hard worker.

  “Shit, I didn’t realize.”

  “It’s not something I really make known.” He shrugs. “I know it’s hard to stick with the program, but you can do it. If I can do it, anyone can.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “You been hitting up meetings?”

  “Every day.” I nod.

  “Good. As long as you do that, there’s hope for you. It’s when someone stops that I get worried. People have this misconceived notion that once you’re clean for so long, you can go back out into the real world like nothing happened. Those are the ones that usually end up at the bottom of a bottle. Or in your case, with a needle in your arm.”

  Again, my skin tingles. I swear, if I close my eyes I can almost taste the sweet relief of the high I crave so much.

  “Yeah,” I croak, looking down to see my hand wrapped around my left forearm, my spot of choice.

  “Sobriety is a lifelong commitment. The minute you let your guard down, you’re a goner. You gotta really want it.”

  “Can I ask you something?” I shift my weight from one foot to the other. “Was there something that snapped you out of it? Did something happen that made you realize you had to get sober?”

  “I don’t know if it was one specific thing. More like a bunch of little things. One day I woke up and looked in the mirror and realized I didn’t like what I saw. I was living in a roach infested apartment, barely able to make rent. My girlfriend had left me. My family hadn’t spoken to me in over a year. I don’t know, it’s like it all just slapped me in the face. How utterly alone I was and it was all my own doing. Admitting that I needed help was the hard part. Once I got into a program, things started to get easier. Don’t get me wrong, I have bad days like everyone else. Days when I will stand outside of a liquor store for an hour trying to convince myself not to go inside. It’s like my body and my mind wage war against each other. Thankfully, there are meetings all over town at various times of the day. Because days like that, those are the days when I really need them.”

  “It’s the first thing I think of every day when I wake up.” Until now I hadn’t admitted that to anyone.

  “It’ll be that way for a while. It’s kind of like quitting smoking. The first few weeks it’s all you can do to get through the day without thinking about it. Then, after a while, you start to know life without it.”

  “Smoking, that’s one thi
ng I haven’t given up yet. Baby steps.” I smile.

  “We all have our vices. We just have to pick and choose which ones we can live with and which ones will likely kill us.”

  “Well, cigarettes probably will kill me… Eventually.”

  “I put them down about three months ago. It was almost as hard as putting down the bottle. You just gotta take it one step at a time and don’t overwhelm yourself. Otherwise you’ll end up saying fuck it and giving into every urge you have.” He clasps me on the shoulder. “You’re lucky to have Tommy. He’s a good example at how hard work and determination can get you through just about anything.”

  “Yeah, he keeps me in line, that’s for sure,” I agree. “You need anything else here?” I ask.

  “Nah, I’m good. Thanks for the hand.”

  “Anytime.” I nod.

  Heading to the side entrance of the garage, I slip outside. All this talk of smoking has got me craving a cigarette. Sliding the pack out of my pocket, I pull a cigarette out and press it between my lips. Shoving the near empty pack back into my pocket, I light the end and take a deep draw.

  The nicotine buzz hits me instantly and I immediately take another drag. This is about the only relief I get during the day. The only thing that even mildly takes the edge off.

  I know it’s awful for me but given all the shit I’ve put in my body over the years, I figure it’s the lesser of the evils.

  I’m about halfway through my cigarette when the door behind me opens. Turning, I nod when I see Tommy step outside.

  “Can I bum one of those?” he asks.

  “Sure.” I pull one out and hand it to him. He lights it, and then hands me back my lighter.

  “Thanks. I forgot mine at home this morning.” He blows out a cloud of smoke that seems to stick in the humid air around us.

  “No problem.”

  “So, how’s it going today? You doing alright?” He bounces on his heels, seeming a bit more anxious than usual.

  “Yeah, I’m good. I was just talking to Mike. I didn’t realize he was an alcoholic.”

  “Is,” he corrects me, taking another drag from his cigarette.

  “Huh?”