“Shit, Oakley. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry, and I certainly never wanted you to have to go looking for me.”
“Where were you?” I repeat.
“Where’s Ellie?” He looks around, as if just realizing I’m alone.
“She’s with Keira. Now stop avoiding the question and tell me where you’ve been all night.”
“I was in Parkview, okay?” He throws his hands up.
“Why were you in Parkview?” My suspicion continues to mount. Parkview, our hometown. The place where all his dealers and druggie friends live. What reason could he possibly have to go back there? “You know what, don’t answer that. I already know why you were there.” I don’t want to hear whatever excuse he’s about to tell me and make up my own conclusion instead.
“Oakley, you’re being ridiculous. Let me explain.”
“Oh, I’ll let you explain alright. As soon as you take this.” I push past him and tug open the bottom drawer next to the sink where I stashed a couple of drug test kits I got from the hospital just in case I ever needed them.
I pull one out and turn, waving it in front of his face.
“You want me to take a drug test?” He seems surprised and honestly, a little pissed.
“If you’ve got nothing to hide then it shouldn’t be a big deal.” I press the kit into his chest and wait for him to take it.
“Wow.” He steps back, shaking his head from side to side. “I knew you didn’t trust me, but I didn’t realize your mistrust ran so deep.”
“Well you have yourself to blame for that.” I point to the bathroom. “Now go. And don’t even think about closing the door.”
I’m being crazy. I know that. But I’ve been burned by this man one too many times to take him at his word. Maybe had I been more insistent the last time, I wouldn’t have almost died. I won’t apologize for protecting myself, and I most certainly will not apologize for protecting my daughter.
“You know what, you want me to take this?” He waves the test in my face. “Fine, I’ll fucking take it.” His nostrils flare as he spins on his heel and takes off into the bathroom.
I watch him closely as he rips open the test, pulls out the cup, and pees into it. Twisting the cap back on, he turns around, slamming it onto the counter moments later.
“There’s your fucking test. And while I’m at it, here’s this too.” He digs into his pocket and pulls something out, shoving it into my hand.
I look down at the woven thread and pearl beads, my heart sinking into my stomach when I realize what it is.
“My grandmother’s bracelet.” I choke around the words. “How… How did you get this?”
My grandma made me this bracelet when I was eleven. It’s the last thing she ever gave me before she died. I used to wear it every day. I never took it off. But when I woke up in the hospital the day after the accident, it was gone. And it wasn’t with any of my belongings that I had been brought in with, so I assumed it was among the wreckage and I held no hope of ever seeing it again.
“After the accident, and you left town, I went back to the sight of the crash. I don’t know why or what I hoped to find. Almost everything had been cleared away. There were some small scrapes of metal and broken glass on the side of the road but that was it. And then, just as I was about to leave, I looked down and I saw that bracelet.” His voice still has a dark edge to it, and I know without a doubt that I pushed too hard. That I came at him without giving him even a second to explain. “I left it in the treehouse. In the little metal box you kept on the shelf. The other day I saw Ellie had one almost exactly like it. I assumed you made it for her. And then I remembered I still had yours. I thought maybe you’d like it back. That’s why I was in Parkview. I didn’t know if it would still be there after all this time, but it was.”
“But Jace, you were gone the entire night.”
“I was, because I took the bus and by the time I made it back to the station, there were no more buses going to Briar until morning. My phone was dead. And there isn’t a single person in that town I felt like I could go to. So, you want to know where I was all night? I was sitting on a bench at a vacant bus stop.”
“All night?”
“All night. And you know what, at the time I thought it was worth it. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“Jace.” I grab his arm when he pushes past me, but he easily shakes off my grip.
“You know the worst thing about all this, Oakley.” He pauses right inside the open doorway and glances back at me. “Is that you didn’t even give me a chance to explain before you assumed the worst. Run your fucking test.” He gestures to the kit sitting behind me on the counter. “We both know you’re going to anyway.” With that, he turns and quickly exits the apartment.
“So let me get this straight. He took a bus all the way to Parkview just to get your old bracelet?” Keira asks from where she’s sitting on the opposite end of the couch, her body angled toward me.
She brought Ellie home for me after I gave her a condensed version over the phone, knowing she’d want all the details once she got here.
“Yep.” I run my finger along the woven thread now back where it belongs on my left wrist. It’s strange. In a way it feels like it’s been there this whole time.
“That’s oddly sweet.” I can tell she doesn’t want to admit it, but the gesture is not lost on her. She knows how close I was to my grandma and how much I cherished this bracelet.
But it’s not even about the bracelet. It’s about Jace and what he was trying to do for me. Which only intensifies the guilt weighing so heavily on my chest that it feels difficult to take an actual breath.
“And he didn’t call when he got stuck there, why?”
“He said his phone died. And since I don’t have his number, I couldn’t call him, not that it would have done me any good if what he’s saying is true.”
“And you believe him?”
I shrug. “I made him take a drug test,” I admit, not entirely proud of myself.
“Holy shit. How did that go over?”
“Well, he’s not here, is he?” I gesture around the room.
“So not good then?”
“He took it and stormed out. I haven’t heard anything from him since.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Did he pass?”
“He did.” I nod slowly. “Though I’m not sure it really matters at this point.”
“Don’t say that. It’s only been a few hours. Maybe he just needs a minute.”
“Maybe.”
“Oak, after the hell you two have been through, I highly doubt he’s going to let something like you making him take a drug test derail all the progress you two have made.”
“I don’t know. You didn’t see the look on his face. It was like he didn’t even recognize me.”
“I’m sure he was upset. Who wouldn’t be? But you asking that of him isn’t unreasonable. You have a daughter to protect. I, for one, am very proud of you for having the courage to do that. I know it couldn’t have been easy.”
“No. It certainly was not.” I blow out a breath. “Hey Ki, if you don’t mind, I think I need to try to get some rest.” I don’t want to be rude, but right now I want to crawl into my bed and cry myself to sleep.
“You want me to stay? I can get Ellie to bed for you?”
“No, you don’t have to do that. I’ve got it.”
“Okay.” She pushes to a stand at the exact same moment I do. “You’ll call me if you need anything?”
“I will.” I walk with her to the front door before tugging it open.
“He’ll come back, Oak. You’ll see.” She squeezes my forearm before stepping onto the front porch.
I throw her a little wave when she reaches her car before closing the door and locking it behind me.
Heading down the hall to Ellie’s room, I push open her door to find her sitting on her bed reading a book. Obviously, she has no idea what the words on the page
say, but she likes to look at the pictures and tell her own story based on what she sees.
“Hey, baby.” I give her a soft smile. “What do you say to a sleepover in my room tonight?” I ask.
Her eyes light up and a big smile pulls up her little cheeks. Without a word, she climbs off her bed and starts grabbing as many stuffed animals as she can fit into her arms.
I don’t generally let her sleep in my bed because I don’t want to make it to where she won’t sleep in her own, but tonight I feel like I need to be near her.
It’s a little earlier than her normal bedtime, but not too early that I think either of us will have any trouble falling asleep, especially given how mentally and physically drained I feel.
“We’re ready,” she announces seconds later, sliding past me in the doorway as she carries her elephant, Scooter the giraffe, and Piper the panda across the hall into my room.
A few minutes later we’re tucking under my blankets, Ellie’s small little frame turned into mine as she sleeps peacefully. I knew it wouldn’t take her long, but I didn’t expect her to be asleep five minutes after her head hit the pillow. Guess she was tired too.
I stare up at the dark ceiling, my fingers sliding through Ellie’s soft curls as I think back to everything that happened today.
I want to believe that I wasn’t in the wrong. That I did the right thing in asking him to take that test. But even I have to admit that the way I went about it wasn’t right.
He was right when he said I didn’t give him a chance to explain. I was so sure that I knew the truth – my belief fueled by fear – that I wouldn’t listen to a word he had to say.
I’m not proud of how I behaved. Honestly, I’m downright ashamed. But the end result likely would have been the same no matter how I approached it. I would have asked him to take the test regardless of where he had been. And maybe that’s controlling of me, but when it comes to the well-being of my daughter, there isn’t a line I won’t cross. Screw hurting someone’s feelings. That’s the least of my concerns.
But still, he went out of his way to do something kind for me, ended up spending the night on a bus bench to make it happen, and I repay him by attacking him and making accusations I had no right to make.
Maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe this was never going to work. No matter how happy he makes me, the doubt will always be there, nagging me in the back of my mind. I’ll always jump to the worse-case scenario. I’ll always think of the bad times. I don’t see how that is ever going to change. And Jace deserves more than that. He deserves someone who will love him for who he is now and not judge him on who he used to be.
As impossible as it feels, I think it’s time to let the dream of us together go. No matter how much it may hurt, I think in the long run it’s what’s best for everyone.
“Mama,” Ellie grumbles, tossing her little arm across my stomach.
“Go back to sleep, baby,” I whisper, not sure what might have woken her.
“Mama, where’s Wace?” The tears I’ve been holding back break free, sliding silently down my cheeks.
It takes me a few seconds to pull myself together enough to answer her without giving away that I’m crying.
“He went to stay with a friend,” I tell her, not sure what else to say.
“Is he coming back?”
“I’m not sure.” My voice breaks.
“I hope he does. Elephant likes him a lot.”
“You like him too, huh?” I smooth my hand over her hair.
“Uh huh.” She yawns.
“Ellie, can I tell you something?” I don’t wait for her to answer before continuing, “Jace isn’t only mommy’s friend.” I pause, swallowing hard. “He’s your daddy.”
“My daddy?” I feel her little head pop up, but because it’s dark I can’t make out her face.
“Uh huh.” More tears slide down my face. “What do you think about that?” I ask.
“Can I call him Daddy instead of Wace?” she asks, her young innocence such a blessing in this moment.
She doesn’t realize what a big deal this is. At this point, she’s still so young that she’s never asked about her father. Though I’m sure one day she would have. It’s easier if I tell her now. Because right now, all she sees is the good and none of the bad. And I want her to see the good.
“Yes, baby.” I kiss the top of her head when it settles back down on my chest. “You can call him Daddy.”
She doesn’t say anything else and after a couple of minutes I can tell she’s drifted off again.
My tears fall harder. The reality of our situation seeming to take hold.
I fought so hard for a life I thought I wanted, yet the minute it’s within my grasp, I let it slip right through my fingers.
I don’t deny that maybe Jace would be better without me. Hell, maybe I’d be better without him. But in this moment, it sure doesn’t feel that way. In fact, it feels like Earth is about to open up and swallow me whole. The only thing tethering me in place is the precious little girl in my arms.
At the end of the day, she is what matters most. And as long as I have her, I know I’ll be able to find my way. No matter what happens next.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
JACE
* * *
“Morning, sunshine.” I jump at the sound of the office door slamming shut, peeling my eyes open to see Devin take a seat behind his desk.
“Mornin’,” I grumble, forcing myself to sit up. Rubbing my eyes with the backs of my hands, I let out a loud yawn. “What time is it?”
“Just after seven.”
“The shop doesn’t open for another three hours. What the hell are you doing here so early?” I ask.
“I always come in this early.” He lifts a travel mug, no doubt filled with coffee, to his lips and takes a small sip. “How’d you sleep? For an old lumpy couch, that thing’s not too bad.”
“I’ve definitely slept on worse,” I admit. “But the real question is, why have you slept on it?”
“I’ve had a time or two where the old lady didn’t give me much of a choice.” He grins.
“Thanks for letting me crash here, by the way.” I swing my legs over the side of the couch, turning my head from side to side to pop my neck.
“Not a problem. But you know, eventually you’re going to have to talk to her.” He doesn’t need to elaborate. I know exactly who he’s referring to.
“I know. I’m just not sure what there is left to say.”
“Look, Jace.” He sets his cup on his desk and leans forward on his elbows. “It’s been almost a week. And while I don’t mind you staying here, you know you can’t do it forever.”
“I know.” I let out a slow breath.
I owe Devin a lot. More than I could ever repay him. He gave me a job. Paid for my brother’s funeral when I couldn’t. And when I showed up here a few days ago asking for a place to stay, he didn’t hesitate to help me out. Had it not been for him talking me down, then Mike dragging my ass to a meeting, I honestly don’t know where I would have ended up. I was so pissed at Oakley, but truthfully, I was more pissed at myself. Because ultimately it’s my actions that landed me in this position. The mistrust, the doubt. I planted all of that there. And now the roots have grown so deep, I’m afraid there’s no way to pull them out of the fucking ground.
“I don’t mean to overstep, and perhaps it’s not my place, but you’re not going to solve anything by hiding out here. You need to talk to her, work this shit out. If you don’t, you’ll never forgive yourself.”
“And what if it’s over? What if my mistakes are too much for us to get past?”
“Do you think they are?”
“I didn’t. But now I’m not so sure.”
“Well, there’s only one way to find out. If it’s over, I’m sure it’ll hurt like hell, but at least you’ll have your answer. I know firsthand that even the worst outcome is better than living in limbo.”
“Yeah,” I grunt, knowing he’s right.
“As much as I love seeing your pretty face every morning…” He grins.
“You want me to get the fuck out,” I finish his sentence, with no real clue if that’s what he was going to say.
“I wouldn’t have put it like that, but yeah, let’s go with that.” He chuckles. “Go see her, Jace. Talk to her. Figure this out before it eats you alive.”
“Okay,” I reluctantly agree, knowing I need to bite the bullet eventually.
“But first, your ass has a shift. I’ve got two cars coming in first thing. The papers are at the service desk. After you’ve showered,” he gives me a knowing look, “go ahead and pull the parts we’ll need.”
“Is that your way of saying I stink?” I arch a brow in his direction.
“I wouldn’t say stink.” He laughs. “But maybe a hot shower and a comb would do you some good.” He gestures to my hair, which is no doubt sticking up every which way.
I’m a fucking mess. The truth is, I have been since I left Oakley’s house last week. I can barely find the motivation to eat let alone worry about my hygiene. I did sneak over to the apartment to grab some clothes when I knew Oakley would be at work. It felt weird being there.
Thank fuck there’s a small bathroom attached to Devin’s office. The shower is about the tiniest damn thing I’ve ever seen, but it will serve its purpose.
“Yeah, yeah, say no more.”
My stomach is twisted in nerves as I climb the front steps of Oakley’s porch. I walked here from work. It felt good to be out in the fresh air, and it gave me time to think about what I am going to say.
Sure, I’m upset with the way she reacted, but I shouldn’t have blown up at her the way I did. I can’t deny that if the roles were reversed, I would have done the exact same thing she did.
Did it hurt? Fuck yeah, it did. But what hurt more was realizing how little she trusts me. Not that I can blame her for that. I know this is on me, not her.
I ball my fists together as I reach the front door, digging the tips of my fingers into my sweaty palms.
Poison & Wine Page 21