To Kill the Duke

by Sam Moffie

  Ivan nodded as he noticed that the head of state was no longer in front of the urinal, but sitting on a stool that Ivan hadn’t noticed when he came in. The person who was kneeling at Uncle Joe’s feet was now standing to the side in the shadows of the bathroom.

  “I don’t wash my hands after I piss. Do you want to know why?” Stalin asked Ivan.

  Ivan now knew what it was like to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. If he answered ‘yes,’ he would probably have to hear a rather smutty answer from the leader who had long dominated every aspect of his life. And Ivan Viznapu was the epitome of the common man, who liked to believe in his leaders, even though he and others suffered under their guidance. By answering ‘no,’ he might hear what he didn’t want to regardless, and fall out of favor with Uncle Joe as quickly as he had struck up this casual conversation. Furthermore, there was always the threat of torture, exile, or execution. He knew this was the ultimate toughski shitski moment. He nodded his head yes, what else was a good member of the proletariat supposed to do?

  “Because I always have some man hold my dick for me. The person you saw at my feet when you entered this bathroom pulls my fly down, pulls out my dick, holds it steady until my bladder is emptied, shakes it dry, puts it back in my pants and zips up my fly… very carefully,” Stalin said as he broke out into a huge grin. “That’s why I don’t have to wash my hands!”

  My leader is a faggot? Ivan thought as he held back a gasp. For gasping at what he had just heard would mean certain death. Ivan suddenly thought that he should say something witty like ‘I never wash my hands after I piss, because I don’t piss on my hands.’ “ I guess that’s why you’re in charge of our country,” Ivan managed to say. Once a member of the lower proletariat, always a member.

  “I am in charge because I recognized the Jewish problem way before that asshole Hitler did,” a boorish Stalin added.

  I didn’t know there was such a thing as a ‘Jewish problem’ in Russia, Ivan thought. Since he had no clue what the head of his country was talking about — Ivan asked him. “What Jewish problem? I thought we all were brother and sister Communists in the Union for Soviet Socialist Republics.”

  “Everyone in Russia is a Communist… or I’ll make sure that they don’t stay above ground too long. The Jews have been trying to run the world for years. I discovered that they were trying to circumvent our glorious revolution and make Russia a homeland for all the Jews. That’s why I had to have all those purges and eliminate you know who,” Stalin rudely announced.

  What is this guy talking about? What purges… who is ‘you know who?’ Ivan thought to himself… extremely happy that Uncle Joe couldn’t read minds. And then, just as he was about to speak to the most powerful man in the Communist world, Ivan Viznapu remembered what the Commissar who had filmed him way back when had told him about Stalin. The Commissar filmed, fed and indoctrinated young Ivan into the world according to the Communist Party. It helped that Ivan was hungry, a good listener and wanted a uniform like the Commissar was wearing.

  This is what Ivan Viznapu was taught:

  “Lenin was Jewish. Trotsky was Jewish. So were most of the men and women who had worked so hard to topple the Czar. Stalin was always believed to be anti-Semitic, as are most in Russia. But Stalin’s strength is his pragmatism. Even at a young age, he knew that Lenin was his key to moving up the ladder of power in the new Russia. Stalin was a good guesser. He correctly predicted that the intellectuals and the Jewish activists would clash once the civil war was over with the Czar’s loyalists. Stalin had worked with them for years and knew that a civil war of their own about ideology would give him his chance to fill the void and be the peacemaker. He knew he had a great chance at being the man most likely seen by both sides as the ‘one who could hold it all together,’” the Commissar had lectured Ivan.

  Ivan also learned from this man that Lenin had suffered a stroke, and when it was learned by the leadership that he was ill, the civil war of ideas broke out. Stalin was then in a great position. Stalin feared Trotsky the most, so he tilted his support away from Trotsky to Trotsky’s rivals Zinoviev and Kamenev. However, Ivan also learned that Trotsky thought he held a trump card of sorts over Stalin. Trotsky knew about a letter that Lenin’s wife had in her possession, which was a detailed account of Stalin being rude and disrespectful to the Lenins. Trotsky knew that if this letter leaked out he would be ruined, because the rank and file still adored Lenin. Ivan learned that Trotsky did everything in his power to make that letter public.

  “But Stalin was smarter,” the Commissar lectured Ivan Viznapu. “He always was the smarter of the two. Stalin opened up two fronts on Trotsky, and Leon never recovered. Not only was Trotsky feeling the heat from his main rivals — he was pushing for a worldwide revolution; this led many non-Jews in the revolution to start fearing that a ‘Jewish Conspiracy’ was afoot. They thought that this conspiracy would weaken worldwide support for their own revolution, and so they quickly got behind the resurging anti-Semitic movement that was creeping back into vogue inside of Russia.

  Being a radical Jew and preaching worldwide revolution was making many in the Communist Party nervous,” the Commissar added. “By using his office as political secretary to pick and choose party members to fill empty positions, Stalin strengthened his hold on the voting bloc and went for Trotsky’s throat. Stalin told everyone that the revolution must be completed in Russia before it could be taken worldwide. A vast majority of the Communist Party didn’t want to meddle in other countries’ affairs. Stalin promoted a ‘USSR first’ policy, which was very popular with the party members who were sick of fighting wars, each other, and answering complaints from their constituents. To the party faithful, Stalin looked fair and balanced. The others were ‘far too radical.’”

  When Lenin died Stalin was made his successor. Now, Stalin could practice his own brand of anti-Semitism. This was also known as the first purge. Stalin went all out. He even went after Lenin’s wife (who was Jewish) when it leaked out that she had simply thought about giving Trotsky the letters that her husband had written. This would have cast serious doubts on Stalin’s character. This implied threat made Stalin hate Jews that much more.

  The Commissar went on. “Stalin reached out to Lenin’s older supporters as a sign of unity. He met with Lenin’s sister and asked her how much ‘Jewish blood’ was really in the Lenin family? She left the room and returned with a birth certificate that showed that the Lenins were 100% Jewish. Allegedly Stalin responded to her by telling her to burn the certificates over a candle ‘very slowly.’ When the certificate had finished burning, Stalin supposedly told Lenin’s sister that ‘if one word gets out about this incident, you will burn like the paper did.’ Stalin moved even quicker to consolidate his power than he did to eliminate any traces of Lenin’s Jewish heritage.

  Stalin took a great interest in what was going on in Germany. Stalin hated the fact that Hitler was right about the Russian Revolution being led by Jews. And worse… Hitler’s rants were not only selling in Germany, but worldwide. It was also rumored that Stalin once told one of Hitler’s chief diplomats that the Nazis should outlaw the speaking of Yiddish, since it was a language that only Jews understood, because they would speak Yiddish to plot and scheme.

  Well, the Nazis had a different idea about how to deal with the Jews. When not interested in what was going on in other countries and seeing Trotsky-led conspiracies, Stalin started other purges. It was very easy for Stalin to choose his victims. He led the secret police, and the secret police had orders to be brutal.” The Commissar then took a deep breath and went on. “Always remember that, young Ivan. It’s about eliminating all your rivals and then being in charge of the police that set larger-than-life leaders aside from people like you and me.”

  With all this clicking in the back of Ivan’s mind he announced to Stalin: “I’m your projectionist — Ivan Viznapu,” Ivan found himself saying as he offered his bathroom companion a hand to shake.

  Stalin l
ooked at Ivan’s hand as if he had never seen an outstretched hand before.

  “Trotsky Number Seven… check out his hand,” Stalin said to the man who had formerly been on his knees and amongst other things holding Uncle Joe’s penis as Stalin pissed. “By the way young man, you can’t tell me the time, because you don’t wear a wrist watch.”

  Ivan didn’t care about not having a wrist watch or a pocket watch for that matter. His watch had been confiscated when he got the bath at the beginning of this night. It probably was broken anyway he thought as he incredibly found himself yelling out “He’s not going to pull out my penis is he?!”

  Trotsky Number Seven recoiled and Joe Stalin broke out into a laugh that was louder than what Ivan had just yelled; the captain of the guards quickly opened up the door to see what was happening.

  Immediately, he went to seize both Ivan and Trotsky Number Seven, thinking that he had been duped and that these two were in cahoots and that they had harmed or were trying to harm Stalin.

  “Let them go, my boy. Let them both go. Where did you find this projectionist? He shouldn’t be running the projector. He should be on the screen. Because he is so damn funny,” Stalin said to his captain as he slowly stopped laughing.

  “Hail Marx. Hail Engels. Hail Stalin,” the captain said as he looked to the sky. “I thought I had been tricked and you had been harmed, my fearless leader,” the captain said to Stalin as he lowered his head to be at eye level with Uncle Joe.

  And with the last word out of the captain’s mouth — Joe Stalin burst out laughing again. It was contagious, only because he was their leader and Ivan soon joined in. After a few seconds and the laughing attack had calmed down, the captain asked the head of the Communist world what was so funny this time?

  And Stalin told him, which produced even more laughter from Stalin. The captain, Ivan and Trotsky Number Seven didn’t participate in this round.

  “I told you, comrade projectionist, that you had a future,” the captain whispered to Ivan as he exited the bathroom to stand at his post. “Sometimes you have to let the big boss think he is alone in being the big boss and let him laugh alone.

  Ivan agreed with that statement — especially if the big boss was Joe Stalin.

  “I wanted Trotsky Number Seven to frisk you. The captain assured me that you are clean. However, there are a lot of terrorists, plotters and schemers out there waiting to rub me out… and most of them are Jews!” Stalin shouted to Ivan.

  “Fearless leader, why is that man’s name ‘Trotsky Number Seven?’” Ivan managed to ask Stalin.

  “A very good question, comrade. But before I answer that, let me tell you about time,” Stalin began. “And you should listen, because you don’t have a wrist watch. Look at mine, will you?” And Stalin held his arm out to Ivan. Ivan stared closely at the watch, which was standard as wrist watches went except for one item. In the center of the watch was the face of Stalin himself!

  “Very nice comrade leader,” Ivan said.

  “I had one with Trotsky’s face on it, but it never kept time correctly,” Stalin said with a chuckle.

  Toughski shitski Ivan thought. “Am I going to get into any trouble if the film doesn’t start on time comrade Stalin?” Ivan asked.

  Again, the leader of the Communist world broke out into an uncontrollable laugh. “You really belong on screen or a stage comrade,” he said once he had regained his breath.

  “But I have been taught that being punctual is a very important policy that all our leaders follow,” Ivan said.

  “That’s true comrade, except when it involves me. The people who work for the good of Russia and who you collectively call ‘leaders’ have to set their watches and clocks to two times. Secondly — real time. First and foremost — my time, which is why my picture is on my watch!” Stalin said prickly. “By the way, did I tell you that my word is my bond, unless I made a mistake?”

  “I can relax then, comrade?” Ivan asked quietly, hoping that Stalin wasn’t making a mistake when it came to what he was thinking about in regards to Ivan Viznapu.

  “Of course. Nothing happens out in the screening room until I say it does. And when I say to do something or start something it better happen just like that,” Stalin said as he made a feeble gesture to snap his fingers. “Right, Trotsky Number Seven?”

  Trotsky Number Seven then snapped his fingers the proper way and nodded in agreement with Stalin.

  I bet if his fingers don’t snap like Uncle Joe wants them to, that poor bastard has to wipe Stalin’s ass Ivan thought. Even with the better quality of his toilet paper — it would still be added punishment.

  “Know why he is Trotsky Number Seven?” Stalin suddenly asked Ivan.

  Ivan shook his head no. Ivan really didn’t care to find out and cringed at what he thought Stalin might tell him.

  “Trotsky One through Six messed up in some way or another and I had them removed,” Stalin declared. “But this one,” he said as he pointed and smiled at Trotsky Number Seven “has been very good. He’ll be with me for a long time.”

  Ivan smiled at Trotsky Number Seven. Better you than me Ivan thought to himself as he kept on smiling. ‘Better you than me’ was a very popular thought among the citizens of The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, but with Ivan ‘toughski shitski’ was becoming more and more popular.

  “Don’t think too badly of this Jew,” Stalin told Ivan. “I was much worse to the captured Nazis that we took out of Mother Russia.”

  What could be worse than what that poor bastard has to do? Ivan pondered. “How so, comrade Leader?” Ivan asked Stalin.

  “I made the captured Nazi of the day wipe my ass,” Stalin said in such a matter-of-fact tone, that Ivan became scared. He was used to being in awe of the man, now after what he had seen and now heard he was terrified of him.

  “Does Trotsky Number Seven also do what the Nazi of the day did?” Ivan asked Stalin.

  Stalin shook his head no.

  Ivan sighed. At least Trotsky Number Seven doesn’t have to do that, he thought.

  “The only reason I stopped with the Nazis, was because we released them from the prisoner of war camps last year. As much as I hate Jews, I didn’t think that it was right that they do for me what the Nazi of the day was doing. I’m not a total asshole — pun intended,” Stalin said somberly.

  Some humanitarian Ivan thought. “Why did you keep the Nazis so long after the war had ended comrade leader?” Ivan asked Stalin. “And what is a pun?”

  “Puns? A good question my boy. Probably short for one of my favorite words — PUNishment! But no pun intended. I don’t think anyone knows where the word ‘pun’ comes from. However, let me give you two examples and then you try. If I may so… even though he’s a Jew, Groucho Marx is the master of puns. This is one of his favorites — ‘Time flies like an arrow — fruit flies like a banana.’”

  Ivan just blinked.

  Stalin rolled his eyes. “Okay kid, how about this one by Mae West — ‘A hard man is good to find.’”

  Ivan managed a tepid smile.

  “For being a funny man, you don’t have much of a sense of humor,” Stalin said. “Maybe I ought to order you to create a pun.”

  Ivan blinked, gulped and managed a weaker smile than the previous one.

  “Come on kid, give it a try,” Stalin strongly suggested.

  Toughski shitski Ivan thought. “Okay, here goes,” he said to himself. “Your coffee is so bad, it’s grounds for a divorce,” he said to Stalin weakly.

  Stalin pulled on both sides of his mustache with his hands, bit his lower lip and started howling.

  Ivan let out a huge sigh.

  “I’m the greatest teacher, am I not?” Stalin said. “By the way, that was a terrible pun.”

  “I’m a great projectionist,” Ivan found himself saying.

  “You have said that already. You’d better be or I might be reinstituting my ass-wiping policy,” a suddenly serious Stalin said.

  Ivan froze up. He belie
ved that this man would do just that. He hated Jews for no apparent reason other than that they were Jews. He killed anyone who disagreed with him. He made Nazis wipe his ass and stay in prison camps long after the war was over. Based upon these facts, there was a good chance he could turn a projectionist into an ass-wiper.

  Stalin then went into a five minute rant about Jews and Nazis and how he hated both groups. He used the same words so much in describing both groups that Ivan thought Stalin had lumped all Jews and all Nazis into one group, so much was the hatred of the leader of the Communist world for anything Jewish and anything Nazi. And of course if any two groups should never be lumped together, it was the Jews and the Nazis. Even Ivan knew that because the Holocaust had taught it.

  Ivan Viznapu hated the Nazis because of the suffering that he had had to endure as a teenager from the time that Operation Barbarossa took place up until the Battle of Stalingrad when the Red Army started pushing the Nazis back out of their country and beating them at their own game — scorched-earth warfare.

  “The Huns deserve everything bad that happens to them,” Ivan had heard many a fellow Russian say. Ivan agreed and often wished that Germany was never allowed to ever have one bullet in its entire country. Now hearing that his leader — Joseph Stalin — had prisoners from Germany in camps long after the war was over, made Ivan mad. Mad, because those prisoners required food, clothing and shelter that should have gone to the many Russians who needed more of the same. But Ivan was a projectionist, not a martyr, and said nothing. As far as the Jews were concerned, he could only conjure up one thought—empathy. Surprisingly, German food smelled good and Ivan reasoned that it tasted good, too, otherwise, why would his leaders be eating it? What suddenly became puzzling to Ivan was why there was no Chinese food around. After all, the Chinese were Communists and allies.

  Why would a man of Stalin’s stature treat Jews like Trotsky Number Seven so terribly? Hadn’t his fearless leader learned anything from the crisis of the last war and what people had done to one another?