To Kill the Duke

by Sam Moffie

  “You have an idea for a movie?” Alexei asked.

  “Sure. A gangster movie. We’ll be able to use a lot of people I know and shoot it around town. Takes about five months, right?” Johnny said.

  Ivan nodded.

  “That’s swell, because Lana is doing a movie overseas and will be gone for about five months. During that time I’ll see to it that she finds out the next time Wayne is going to have one of his panty raids,” Stompanato said.

  All weekend, both Alexei and Ivan worried about their new partner.

  “Are we in over heads with this guy? After all he is in the Mafia,” Ivan said over the phone to Alexei during the many phone conversations they had with each other after their meeting Friday night at The Coconut Grove and before they started out for work on Monday at Seven Zeros.

  “The Mafia is nothing compared to working for Mr. Zavert,” Alexei said. “I’m more worried if he can deliver on getting his girlfriend to find out the next time Wayne has a party and goes out.”

  “That’s easy for you to say. You’re tougher and stronger than he is,” Ivan said.

  “You forgot smarter and better looking,” Alexei said.

  “And $25,000 is a big hunk of the budget we have,” chimed in Ivan.

  “As long as we are a priority mission for Mr. Zavert, the money isn’t a problem,” Alexei reassured Ivan.

  “I can’t believe we are going to make a real gangster movie with real gangsters,” Ivan said.

  “It should help keep the overhead down,” Alexei said… and hoped.

  And so did Ivan. In his short time as head of a tiny movie studio, he couldn’t believe the costs associated with making and distributing a movie… especially a movie that not only wasn’t reviewed, but sold zero tickets.

  “Can you imagine what it costs to run a country?” Alexei asked when Ivan was complaining about the rising costs of… everything.

  Toughski Shitski, Ivan thought.

  Both Ivan and Alexei were surprised that Johnny Stomp was waiting for them when they pulled in to their offices at 33 Lancaster Terrace. They always seemed to arrive within minutes of one another and were used to it. But others they had come to know in the movie business, always seemed to be late — even the people that badly needed the paycheck.

  “An American thing,” Ivan said sarcastically.

  “No, a Hollywood thing,” corrected Alexei.

  But Alexei and Ivan had underestimated Johnny Stompanato’s desire to learn the business from the ground up. So fierce was Johnny’s determination that his boss and one of the biggest Mafia bosses in America — Mickey Cohen — had made plans to check in on how Johnny Stomp’s progress was going.

  “You guys are late!” handsome Johnny bellowed when they entered the foyer of their offices.

  “Just on time to be fashionably late,” Ivan said with a chuckle.

  “I’m never on time, ask my parents,” Alexei said with a laugh as they motioned Stompanato to follow them into their conference room.

  In the conference room, the three poured over the script in progress, the filming schedule, the weekly budget, items that had to be bought, forms that had to be filled out, pictures of people besides the real-life gangsters that Johnny Stomp was going to provide for other parts and anything else that was required to get the movie going.

  “When do we start shooting?” Johnny Stomp asked his new partners.

  Nice pun, Ivan thought.

  Alexei smiled. He, too, had thought of the pun that Johnny has just made… at least to both him and Ivan.

  “Right away. We never stop shooting, because we’re a small studio,” Ivan said.

  “Johnny, you get a hold of the people you told us about. Have them meet our second-unit director, Barney Rumberg, at The Coconut Grove on Wednesday for casting, costumes, potential lines, etc.,” Alexei said.

  “Give me a phone,” Stompanato demanded.

  “Boss, these Italians are driving me crazy!” Barney Rumberg screamed to Ivan after they had started on the first few scenes that were being filmed at The Coconut Grove.

  “How so?” Ivan asked the former Trotsky Number Seven.

  “Let’s start with the men and women that Mr. Stompanato hired,” Rumberg said.

  “Okay, tell me,” Ivan said.

  “The first guy arrives and says his name is Rocco LaRocca,” Rumberg began.

  “Sounds pretty Italian to me,” Ivan said.

  “But his ‘friends’ have to call him Paulie!” Barney screamed.

  “Who said?” asked Ivan.

  “He did!” screamed Barney.

  “No offense, that doesn’t sound so bad,” Ivan said.

  “That’s just the beginning with these people and their names,” replied Barney.

  “What do you mean?” asked Ivan. After all, Trotsky Number Seven wasn’t the greatest of names either he thought.

  “My job is to keep attendance and make sure everyone gets paid, right?” Barney said.

  “Amongst many things,” Ivan said.

  “How do I make payroll checks out to people who don’t have driver’s licenses or social security numbers? Heck, even we have those and we both know where we are from,” pointed out Barney.

  “I’ll talk to Johnny,” Ivan said. “They’re just ‘busting your balls.’”

  “Oh great. Now you’re talking like them!” Barney screamed. “If I’m not dealing with a guy whose name is Rocco, but prefers Paulie, I have to put up with their stupid slang!”

  “Fuggedaboudit,” teased Ivan, who had just repeated the most repeated phrase in American Mafia history.

  “You come and deal with their words. Babe is a doll, but a doll isn’t a babe. Bet you didn’t know that,” Barney said.

  “No, I didn’t. Know what ‘hit the mattresses’ means?” Ivan asked his employee.

  “Getting laid? Having sex?” guessed Barney.

  “Good guess. Exactly what Alexei and I thought. No, it means laying low if your boys are going to war,” Ivan said.

  “Okay. Okay. I’ll give you an easy one. What’s a goomba?” Barney asked his boss.

  “An Italian dessert?” answered Ivan.

  “Boy, did you get influenced by Boris,” Rumberg said.

  “Not when it came to learning how to cook,” Ivan said. “Okay, it’s Italian for money.”

  “Wrong. It means ‘good friend.’ All these guys run around the set yelling ‘where have you been, goomba?’ ‘How you feeling, goomba?’ Or ‘where’s the action at, goomba?’ Barney said.

  “Okay, I get the picture… pun intended. But ‘action’ is our word,” Ivan noted.

  “No. When we say ‘action’ it means ‘action!’ When they say it, it means deals going on or down or being planned,” Barney said. “I’m going nuts with all these goombas’ action being only on our set!”

  “Are you serious?” asked Ivan.

  “Look boss, how can I be serious when I deal with women who have no last names,” Barney said.

  “Come on. Don’t their babes or dolls have last names?” asked Ivan.

  “No, and it’s another pain in the ass when I have to take attendance, not to mention paying them. Every other woman they bring down is Allegra, Andrea, Carmella or Lucetta,” Barney said.

  “Don’t worry about the payroll. I told you I would figure something out with Stompanato. Most likely pay them by cash and file it under miscellaneous — our favorite accounting trick. Well, at least Allegra, Andrea, Carmella and Lucetta don’t ask to be called ‘Paulie,’” Ivan said.

  “Not funny. I also have to deal with Joseph Anatuna. Know what he wants me to call him?” Barney asked Ivan.

  “Of course not. What?”

  “‘Lead Pipe Joe,’” Barney said.

  “Introduce him to Alexei and don’t get on his bad side,” warned Ivan.

  “Better yet, I’m making sure all the pipes are copper and not steel around here,” Barney said with a laugh.

  “Hey, you’re laughing. That means I’m d
oing something right,” Ivan said to Barney.

  “Alexei said you made a lot of people laugh in our old country,” Barney said.

  The old country… toughski shitski, Ivan thought as he wondered what else the former Trotsky Number Seven was going to bitch about.

  “Do you think I bitch too much boss?” Rumberg suddenly asked Ivan.

  “You earned the right to bitch to me a very long time ago when I met you in the bathroom in Moscow,” Ivan said. “And yes, you do bitch too much.”

  “Did I tell you what name I have to call Sam Hutch?” Barney asked Ivan.

  “No, but I’m sure you will,” Ivan said.

  “He wants me to call him ‘Tony Stiletto,’” Barney said. “I swear that all these guys got their hands on some old movie manuscripts to come up with these names.”

  “Are you sure that you are right that these are not their stage names, but their nicknames?” Ivan said.

  “Boss, these guys don’t have a clue what a stage name is. Their nicknames are more important to them than the names their mothers and fathers gave them,” Barney said. “Did I tell you what Jack Fraser’s nickname is?”

  “Don’t. Let me guess… Paulie,” guessed Ivan.

  “Wrong again. It’s ‘Vinnie the Thumb.’” Barney said.

  “Okay. That’s enough…” Ivan said.

  “No, just one more, then I can tell you what they do when they are not eating all the food and drinking all the booze,” Barney said.

  “What booze?” Ivan said.

  “Some Mafia big shot comes down every day and brings a lot of booze, poses for pictures and pinches everyone’s cheeks,” Barney said.

  “I understand about the pictures, but the booze and the cheek pinching has to go,” Ivan said.

  “Well, get on down here and tell that to the two newest big shots — Joe Lombardo, Sr. and John Accardo, both better known as ‘Sonny,’” Rumberg said. “By the way, I have a funny feeling if you come down here and make a big scene, you will be burned, whacked, hit or clipped.”

  “What does all that mean?” Ivan asked his employee.

  “Killed. What’s the matter, don’t you speak English?” Barney Rumberg said to Ivan Viznapu very sarcastically.

  But Ivan spoke a language in Hollywood that he was learning almost as well as his mother tongue — finance — and he didn’t like what he was hearing about what was going on at the set during the first few shots of the picture.

  “At first, I thought having Johnny’s friends in the movie would be a big help with the budget,” Ivan said to Alexei later that night after Ivan went down to the set and met with Barney. “Now, they are costing us at least as much as regular actors with their silliness.”

  “Be careful my friend or you might get whacked,” Alexei said with a laugh. “Don’t lose sight of the plan.”

  “I’m not, but when I see the actors coming in late, messing up their lines, missing their mark and in general just wanting to be on the set partying and not working, I get mad,” vented Ivan.

  “Look. Our target is John Wayne. Not making pictures. Relax, humor them and use them like they are using us,” Alexei said.

  “How can I use them?” Ivan asked Alexei.

  “Maybe they know the inside scoop on a sporting event that we can bet on and win some extra money,” Alexei suggested.

  “If the people we had on location knew stuff like that they wouldn’t be stealing from us,” Ivan pointed out.

  “You lost me. What do you mean stealing from us?” Alexei asked.

  “They eat all our food, drink everything in sight, steal all the clothes from wardrobe and even take some of the props home!” yelled Ivan.

  “They sound like politicians and not gangsters,” Alexei quipped. “They must be driving Barney crazy.”

  “Insane and nuts have been two of his favorite words lately,” Ivan said.

  “Look, you do the best you can with the people we have and I’m going to pay Mr. Stompanato a visit about his people. I’m sure I’ll be able to iron things out. After all, he wants to make money, too,” Alexei said.

  “I sometimes wonder, given the people he hangs out with, how any of them make money, the way they leech,” Ivan said.

  “Well, they are not spending any of their own money on food, drink, clothes and other goods. It’s all on Seven Zeros. I guess we are their action,” Alexei said.

  “Good points,” Ivan said.

  “Toughski shitski,” replied Alexei.

  For three days, Ivan didn’t see or hear from Alexei. Late in the first day of Alexei’s absence, Ivan started to worry that Johnny Stomp had whacked, burnt, clipped or ordered a hit on his friend before Alexei could whack, burn, clip or perform a hit on Stompanato. But, true to his learning the game of espionage back in Russia under Alexei, Boris and Mr. Zavert — Ivan kept his cool. He went to the set and worked very hard with Barney at filming the second-unit stuff at The Coconut Grove with Allegra, Andrea, Carmella, Lucetta, Paulie, both Sonny’s, Lead Pipe Joe, Tony Stiletto and Vinnie the Thumb. He didn’t even let the former Trotsky Number Seven know that Alexei appeared to be missing. He knew that if Alexei didn’t appear after nine days, that the mission was over and he was to cover all the tracks of the operation and get back to Moscow. Ivan muttered a lot of ‘toughski shitski’s’ under his breath. Then, on the second day, the receptionist from Seven Zeros reported to him that Alexei had phoned and told her to tell Ivan that he was doing fine and would be back at the office in another day or two. Ivan buried himself even further into his film.

  In Hollywood, there were no puns between Ivan and Alexei disguising what was going on with their mission. They trusted each other and only spoke about why they were really in the movie business when they were alone. Boris recognized that in them… so did Mr. Zavert. More importantly, Alexei Alexandra and Ivan Viznapu recognized that about themselves and about each other.

  “The best bond we have is each other’s back,” Alexei once told Ivan.

  “And don’t forget our fronts,” Ivan replied.

  After a little more than three days, Alexei returned with good news.

  “I have both our fronts and our backs,” Alexei told Ivan.

  And Ivan knew that Alexei had somehow nailed down a day and a time from Lana Turner via Johnny Stompanato about when their first attempt to end John Wayne’s life would be.

  “So, where have you been… Florida?” Ivan asked Alexei sarcastically.

  “You know that Hollywood people don’t vacation in Florida. Only Jews vacation in Florida, and I didn’t take Barney with me,” Alexei said.

  “Around town?” Ivan asked in a serious tone.

  “Actually up North in wine country setting up a safe house,” Alexei lied.

  “Russian River Valley?” Ivan asked.

  “You writing a book? What’s with the questions?” an annoyed Alexei said.

  “Worried,” Ivan admitted.

  “We can’t get worried in our business. I thought you learned that,” Alexei said.

  “I forgot,” Ivan said.

  “Don’t worry. It’s a sign of weakness,” Alexei said.

  “So tell me, what’s going on?” Ivan said.

  “Nothing but good news. I have a date for what will be our first, last and only attempt to fulfill our mission,” Alexei announced.

  “Tell me, and don’t spare the details,” Ivan said.

  “Not much to say, except that it was all very professional and business-like. That Lana Turner is tougher than Stompanato and drove a hard bargain,” Alexei said.

  “How much?” asked Ivan.

  “Just that we fulfill our end of the bargain about helping Johnny Stomp and her have something for the future after she retires or, as she puts it, is ‘forced out’ because she is getting older and the younger starlets are getting better looking and of course… are much younger,” Alexei said.

  “They are sure obsessed with aging in this town,” Ivan said.

  “There are only two wor
ds I can counter with when it comes to the fact that everyone ages,” Alexei said.

  Ivan shrugged his shoulders.

  “Toughski shitski,” Alexei said with a smile.

  “Do you think they are suspicious of what we are asking for?” Ivan suddenly asked.

  “Not in this town, especially when it comes to trying to hook a movie star, a role or anything else that has to do with making a big splash in the movie business,” Alexei said.

  “We have some cover, don’t we?” Ivan said.

  “You bet,” Alexei said. “Who would ever think that two foreign-born producers, with no knowledge of the movie business but with a lot of money, are really Russian super agents trying to kill the biggest movie star in the world?!”

  “Nobody,” Ivan said as he prepared the coded pun message to be sent to Boris, which would convey that they had a plan in motion to fulfill their mission. The message was this: ‘The food taster quit his job because he had too much on his plate.’

  “One thing bothers me…” Ivan began to say as both he and Alexei scoped out Kirk Douglas’ house in Beverly Hills, getting ready to take out John Wayne.

  “Only one?” Alexei shot back sarcastically.

  “How did Turner find out about this ‘celebrity car wash?’” Ivan asked.

  “You’re not going to believe this, but John Wayne asked her to pop out of the cake at his good friend Ward Bond’s birthday party,” Alexei said.

  “That’s it? I’m a little disappointed,” Ivan said.

  “One catch — she had to be naked when she came out of the cake. Something about Bond always desiring her. She told me that she always wanted to go out on one of his pranks and that is how she got the information,” Alexei said.

  “She won’t be here tonight, will she?” Ivan asked.

  “No, I made sure that Johnny got in the way of that. Now go and scout out the back of the house, while I survey up and down the block,” Alexei said.

  Not only did Alexei and Ivan share being on the same mission, share being Russian, share running a not-too-successful movie studio; they also shared a hatred of waiting.

  Especially the waiting that came before killing.