“Crap. That makes me worry even more. I really don’t think he can snap out of it all by himself. He has taken it hard, which is good, because that may have been the bomb that forced him to change the course of his life. I’m just afraid that the new road he has taken is not better than the old one. Before, he would hide his real feelings behind a string of lovers, and now he hides his feeling behind countless bottles of alcohol. I think he needs help and I think I know how to help him.”
“You? I’m afraid to ask. Please tell me you are not going to try to cure him with retail therapy? That doesn’t work for everybody, you know? Especially with guys.”
“Ha! Real funny! Says the girl who likes to work out everything at the gym pounding something, or better yet, someone.”
“Hey! I resent that comment! A good round of sparring helps release the tension and the feel good hormones.”
“Endorphins, you mean?”
“Yeeep. You know my tongue doesn’t quite work after a few drinks.”
“Why is it that I think you actually get to feelin’ good because you get to kick somebody’s ass in the ring, and not because you are ‘exercising’?”
She looks at me and rolls her eyes to the back of her head, her lips break into a small smile. “Whatever.” She gently hits my upper arm with her fist.
“All right, Knuckles, we’ll leave it be for now, okay?”
Brianna earned her nickname from me, Knuckles, because while in the service, she re-arranged a guy’s face who was trying to sexually abuse her. She hates it when I call her that. She’s also very particular about always carrying a self-defense weapon or aid. Now that she is a cop, she normally carries her gun and something else. I believe today’s selection is a pair of chopsticks, holding her hair’s messy bun in place. These are not the feeble kind found at restaurants. Oh, no… these were special ordered from Chinatown, California. They are made from ultra-stiff carbon fiber tubing. They are non-metallic, extremely strong, rigid and way lighter than fiberglass. All of us girls have a pair, courtesy of Colton Hensley, Brianna’s beau. When they first started dating, he thought we were kidding about her skills in the ring. By looking at her, she is toned like a girl who works out regularly, and certainly not like a girl who can kick your ass. Since then, he found out the hard way that a girl doesn’t need to be a body builder to be strong, and the most important thing about self-defense is skill. But I digress…
“Brianna, I think I have to do something. I just cannot sit back any longer and pretend he is going to be okay… And it would be so much easier if I knew you guys agreed with me. Do you think you can have my back on this?”
“I always have your back, you know that!”
I smile, because I know it’s true. The same way I always have her back. “Yes, sweets, I know you do.”
I get off the barstool, come around and give her a half hug, just as we hear the band starting to play a Jason Aldean cover song.
“Well, sweets, I’ve got to go and convince a very brooding, sad and regretful man to dance. I’ve got my work cut out for me…” I wink at her and leave her shaking her head and slurping on her margarita… Need to remember to do a shot of Patron before we leave. It’s been a rough month.
Traxx sees me coming and makes a point of looking away. This elusive action stops me in my tracks for a few seconds. I can tell this will be more difficult than I thought. I straighten my shoulders and with newfound resolve, I move forward towards him.
I stand next to him. I’m a lot shorter than he is, but since he is seated on a booth, our eyes are pretty damn level. He already knows how determined I can be, so he won’t be able to ignore me for long.
Just as I thought, a minute or so later he looks at me and for just a second his eyes seemed to spark… And as fast as it flicked, it was gone, but it’s in there somewhere. I just need to find it.
“What do you want, Ciara?” Hmm, he is trying to pull the a-hole act. He’s gonna need a lot more ammunition to get rid of me.
“I’m here to inform you that your ‘cry me a river’ card has been revoked.” I lift one of my eyebrows at him.
“Who the fuck gives a shit.” He stares back at me, challenging me to go on. His eyes are ardent and furious at the same time. I place my hand on his upper arm, an unexpected move that causes him to flinch. While he takes a quick look at my hand, I hold his arm steadfast. I get close, really close, to his ear.
“Nice act, it may work on the bar flies that keep coming your way, but it sure as hell will not work on me. I know you better than that. I also know what you need. I have answers for you, Traxx. I have answers to all those questions that have been swirling in your head for weeks now. But these answers are not free. There is a price to pay.” He looks at me like a lost puppy who has found a new owner, and I know he is intrigued.
“What do I have to do to get these answers from you?”
“Well, there will be a lot of things you have to do. I can help you, Traxx. But you have to let me. It’s time to move on. Please note that I didn’t say forget. Marcy wanted for you to destroy your life and you are doing exactly what she expected you would do. You are letting guilt consume you. It’s time to find a way back to the living, Traxx. Aren’t you tired of wallowing?”
“I don’t know what to do, Ciara… I feel like I shouldn’t be happy ever again.”
“I know… and there will be plenty of time to talk about it. For right now, why don’t you take your friend – me – to the dance floor and help her spin around a few times?”
He takes a deep breath. “I don’t think I feel like doing that, Ciara.”
“That’s problem number one – you are thinking too much. Let’s stop thinking for a few minutes and just enjoy the fact that you were spared, you’re in the here and now, and you need to do something with your life. Something meaningful that will help even out the field of shit that you’ve been dealt. I have some ideas and I will help you out of the mess you created for yourself. I promise. The only thing you have to do is trust me. You know me, Traxx. It’s me. I’m your friend during the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s not easy, but we have to start somewhere. So, here goes: I’m going to take your hand and lead you to the dance floor – don’t look around at anyone but me. You are going to concentrate on the music, and just us. Let me carry the burdens of your mind, if only for a little while. You’ll see - it will all be okay. Trust me, Traxx.”
I look at him directly in the eyes, and try really hard to convey security, friendship… love. Traxx gives me an uncertain, confused look. I don’t let him dwell on my words. I move my hand slowly but firmly from his arm down to his hand. Then I apply a tight hold and start to move away from the bar, never looking away from his eyes. When he starts to move towards me, my heart dances in happiness, and a small smile appears on my lips. Traxx reciprocates with a tiny small crooked smile, and a concerned look. But he is moving with me towards the dance floor. This is a small victory with a giant jackpot.
Traxx
This girl… Ciara’s words spark something inside of me. Something unfamiliar and at the same time, something wanted. I know she’s persistent and when she sets her mind on something, she won’t leave it alone until she gets her way. So I go with her to the dance floor and do like she says, let her worry about my situation for a little while.
I chance a look at my friends, and they are all staring with a surprised look on their faces. Yeah, this is not like me at all. I’m finding out that it feels good to act differently than I used to.
“Quit looking at them.” I hear Ciara whisper in my ear. “Look at me.” I do as she asks.
“What do you want now, Nibblet.” I call her Nibblet from time to time when I act like she is irritating me. She reminds me of a corn nibblet, with all her blond hair and petite size. But in that small package, she packs a huge personality, full of kindness and goodness.
“Ugh! I told you I hate that nickname!” She tries to be mad, but I see a smile across her face. She really likes it whe
n I use that term of endearment with her.
“If you hate it so much, why are you smiling?”
“Because it’s actually nice to hear it again, coming from your lips. It’s been a while.”
“Yes, it has… You are right about something, Ciara. I want to move on. I have been thinking a lot about the type of person I was, and one thing I know is that I want to do better with my life. I don’t know how, and I need your help with that.”
“Yes, I can help you, Traxx. But first, you have to heal. You can’t do anything or help anyone when your life is out of control. And I can help you heal, but I need to know that you mean it when you say you are ready to change.”
I take a deep breath and think about it for a minute. I don’t want to revert back to being a senseless manwhore anymore. I want to do something good, but I don’t know what and I also don’t know how to move on from the incident with Marcy. I have returned to work, and even if I keep as busy as possible, images play in my head at unexpected times throughout the day and especially at night. Yes, I want to change. I don’t want to help create any more situations like the one with Marcy.
“Yes, Ciara, I’m ready and I need your help, because I really don’t know how to move forward with my life.”
“Well, there is no magic formula or a practical plan. And it won’t be easy, either. We are just going to have to take it one day at a time. For now, though, we just need to concentrate on being part of the living, and enjoy this dance.” She lowers her head on my chest and I place my lips on top of her head and inhale her scent. I don’t recognize it but she smells so good and sweet – like a promise should. I smile lightly and hold her tighter. Nibblet is going to be my beacon back to life and reality. You’d better believe that I’m going to hold on tight and not let go.
Ciara
Getting Traxx to stop drinking and to live in the moment – even for the length of a few songs – it’s like a mini victory. When I was in college we studied a lot on Suicide Loss Survivors, but that applies to people who have lost a spouse, family member, friend, colleague, neighbor, client or co-worker… Traxx’s situation is different; he was a Suicide Witness Survivor, which means he was witness to the self-inflicted violence and death of a person. There are different ramifications for behavior between those two, so I have been reading up on that so I can be of help to him. The fact that he has not wanted to go see a specialist is bad. The fact that I’m in graduate school for a Psychology major is a plus. I’m not claiming to be an expert, because I’m certainly not one, but I may be the only person that can steer Traxx in the right direction, without him even realizing it.
“What are you doing?” My friend and roommate Keagan comes into the room and interrupts my thoughts. Brianna used to be my roommate, but she moved in with Colton a few months back. Notso and Traxx had to move out of Colton’s place then, and ended up living together in the house Traxx had bought.
“I’m researching about Suicide Witness. My textbooks don’t delve in the subject as much, so I talked to some of my professors and they lent me some books.”
“Hmm… Do you think it’s going to work? You helping Traxx, I mean?”
“It has to. I don’t know what else to do.” Keagan gives me a sad look.
“Have you eaten?” She asks.
“Not yet. I had coffee and toast earlier, but I’m hungry. Got anything in mind?
“I spoke to Notso a little while ago, and we are going to get a bite, pizza I think. Wanna come with?
My mouth waters before I can even answer. “That sounds really good, actually.” Let me change out of these yoga pants. Give me ten?”
“Sure, take all the time you need. We aren’t in a hurry. Besides, Notso was going to try to talk Traxx into going. Traxx is a little out of sorts lately.”
“Why? Something happened?”
“I’d say… Traxx got a phone call from my cousin - his brother Wyatt, the one who lives in Texas, remember him? It seems that my uncle Logan is worried about Traxx and asked Wyatt to transfer from the Dallas office to the one here in Pristina.”
“Permanently?”
“Not sure, but how can you pass up to keep your job and move to a beach town on daddy’s dime?”
“Yeah, I can see that… Why do you think he’s not happy about Wyatt’s visit?”
Keagan thinks about it for a minute before answering. “I think he may feel like his dad wants to check up on him and meddle in his life. I know my uncle can be very overbearing at times.”
Keagan’s and Traxx’s dads are brothers. So I know Keagan has the inside scoop to what’s going on. “Now that I think about it, the last time Wyatt came to visit, they had a bit of a competition going on.”
Keagan laughs heartily. “A little? Those two idiots have been competing against each other since they were kids. Having different mothers didn’t help a bit. Maybe Wyatt can bring a little distraction for Traxx.”
“Do you know when is he going to get here?”
“Not for a few weeks. He’s trying to tie up some loose ends with some clients in Texas first.”
Okay, I’m glad I have a few weeks with Traxx before he has to deal with his brother. There’s a knock on the door.
“I’ll get it! Ciara, you go ahead and get ready.”
“Mm’kay”
As I’m putting on some jeans and pull on my ankle boots, I can’t stop thinking that maybe Wyatt will be a welcomed distraction. It will remind Traxx of some good memories they have shared. I put on an off-shoulder blouse on top of my tank top, and quickly brush my hair. I apply some neutral eye shadow, put on mascara and finish up with a nude lip gloss. Ready in less than… well, I guess I was closer to fifteen, but I did clean up really well.
“Okay, I’m ready…” As I walk down the hall into the living room, I stop cold and think my eyes are betraying me when I see Traxx looking straight at me.
“Traxx… what a nice surprise!” He looks at me with a puzzled look on his face.
“Yeah, I was hungry. Hope you don’t mind.”
“Oh, sorry – that’s not what I meant… You shaved, and… got a haircut, you look nice.”
He rubs his jaw with his palm. Smiling, he replies, “Yeah, it was way overdue. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and recognize the person looking back at me.”
Although Traxx usually had some stubble, he had quit taking care of his appearance for several weeks and had let his beard grow, which would have been cool if he at least would have groomed it, but it made him look disheveled and lost. I guess it was a reflection of the way he felt inside. This is a good thing. I smile at him and nod.
“Good, then. As I was saying, I’m ready if everyone else is.”
Notso is the first to get up. “Let’s go! I’m starving!”
I laugh. “Does that mean we are headed for an ‘all you can eat” pizza buffet?”
“Nah, that was during my broke days. I make good money now and I don’t mind spending it on my dear friends at a “classy” pizza place.” He winks at me.
“Wow! What a big spender!” I laugh at his antics. “I like it when others pick up the tab, I’m going to eat so much that you won’t even recognize me!”
“What does that even mean? That instead of a bowl of salad and one slice you are going to eat TWO whole fucking slices? Pleazzze, girl, just don’t.”
Everybody’s snickering at this point. “I don’t know, Notso. I may feel hungry enough to forget the salad and eat a whole pizza! What you got to say to that?
“Dang, Ciara, you got me! I’ll believe it when I see it.”
As we get to his truck, I don’t really need help getting up in it, but I let Traxx help me up and Notso is assisting Keagan. The truck has a lift and I like to see guys show their Southern manners. “Do you care to place a wager, Mr. Winslow?” I look at Notso expectantly. We are best friends and he knows that I’m a competitive bitch when I need be.
“Do you think I’m stupid? I know you well, and you get some kinda’ crazy w
hen it comes to bets.”
“Party Pooper!” I yell at him crossing my arms in front of me. Traxx looks at me smiling, then at Notso, and frowns.
“Notso, what the hell?! Look at her tiny size, for goodness sake. You actually think she can eat a whole pie? You chicken shit!
Keagan and I are smiling from the back seat. I may not be able to move after, but I will eat a whole pizza if it’s going to make me some money. Not that I need the money, but it’s a matter of principle. Notso knows me well enough he recognizes he will lose his money. I’m sitting right behind him on the driver side of the truck and I can see his sky blue eyes looking at my sapphire blue ones… He’s getting ready to fall for it… three, two, one…
“I’m betting low because I feel I’m just throwing my money away. If you eat a whole pizza, that will get you a crisp $50 – if you leave even a small bite of crust, I win. Deal?
“Ha! Yeah, deal! Sucker!” We laugh like we are kids, carefree and teasing one another as we drive towards the restaurant.
Traxx
I’m sitting here at the table feeling a lot of pride in my Nibblet, as she is polishing off the last slice of the cheese pizza that Notso ordered for her. It’s the first time I feel…free since the incident. I have been living in my own condemned hell, sort of a way of punishing myself for what happened. It’s my way of assuming some kind of responsibility for what Marcy did. It doesn’t mean that I no longer feel guilty, because God knows I do. Guilt consumes me. If I was able to get to her just few seconds sooner… Well, but today… today it’s the first time I get a glimpse of what my life could be once I learn to forgive myself and heal.
Ciara winks at me as we start chanting: “Go! Go! Go!” as she is chewing the last bite. The last swallow, then a sip of her Diet Coke and she leaps off her chair with her hands up,
Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) Page 4