“I did it! Pay up, Notso! Woohoo!”
On an impulse, I get off my chair and go to her lifting her in a big bear hug. “You did it, Nibblet!”
“Uh! Don’t squeeze me too hard, I don’t wanna blow!” She looks at me playfully, “You are going to have to roll me out of here. I’m so full I can hardly breathe and I don’t think I can walk, either!”
Her laugh has always been something that makes me feel all warm and gooey on the inside, not that I have ever told her that. Our relationship has been somewhat strained in the past, probably because of the mixed feelings I have for her. Since then I have learned that life is short, and although I had mine on pause, I’m ready to put it to something good. Ciara is right, though. I need to work on myself and get better before I can concentrate on others.
Notso gets his wallet, pulls some money out of it and hands it to Ciara. “I knew I should not bet against you, Ciara. You have a very determined, competitive streak. Jesus! I’m still trying to figure out where in the hell you put all that pizza?”
“Unfortunately, I can’t tell you where I put it, but I can tell you where it’s going to go unless I go for a walk and try to exercise some of it off.”
Keagan chimes in, “Yeah, it’s probably going to go straight to your ass or boobies. Hell, every time I gain one ounce that’s where it all goes.”
“I fail to understand why that’s a bad thing?” Notso tells Keagan with a flirty smile on his face as I give him a dirty look. She’s my cousin for fuck’s sake!
“Okay, y’all head on to the truck while I settle the bill. Traxx, you may need to carry Ciara.” He says as we see her struggling to stand up.
“I’m okay, I can walk. I just lost my balance for a second. Here you see? It’s all good.” She turns around and starts to walk to the door. Keagan and I follow her. As we reach the truck, Ciara lets out a huge burp, surprising me and a couple of strangers walking by the truck at the same time.
“Girl, we aren’t at the hunting land. I’m not used to you letting it rip in the middle of civilization.” Keagan’s laughing at Ciara’s antics.
“Keagan, I can barely breathe – I need to make room for all that food! It’s hard enough to fake it in front of Notso, but I’m not going to fake it in front of you.” Ciara is rubbing her stomach.
“Okay, you and I are going for a walk as soon as we get to the apartment.” I tell her raising my eyebrow so she knows I mean business.
“Okay.” She says breathily and nods while rubbing her tummy one more time, and I find myself wanting to get there as soon as possible.
The ride to the apartment is quick and as we get there I’m amazed that I actually managed not to think about Marcy for the last couple of hours. And it never fails, the moment that I start to think about her, I feel guilty.
We get out of the truck, and I noticed Ciara starts to walk towards the apartment, I grab her hand and pull her the opposite way. “Oh, hell no! I know you are pizza-drunk right now, but I’m not about to let you lie down and sleep these calories away. Plus, if you go to bed, it means I would have to go home and be bored. So we are going to go on a walk, like we talked about.”
“Really, Traxx, you pick this moment to be a ‘follow-through’ kind of guy, seriously? I’m too full to do anything, plus I have my cute boots on and they are not made for walking.”
“Stop being a wimp, Ciara. Those boots are low heels and I’ve seen you dance the night away with some shoes that are three times higher than the ones you have on right now.” She pouts at me and looks at Keagan and Notso while they are walking away. Keagan turns towards us and winks, “It’s true Ciara, go walking. You’ll feel better after a while.”
“Fine. Let’s go.” She tells me in a very grumpy but cute way.
I smile to myself and pull on the little firecracker’s hand. “Have I ever told you that you’re funny when you’re irritated?”
“That’s a juxtaposition. How can anyone be funny and irritated at the same time?”
“I don’t know. You just are.”
“Whatever. How have you been doing lately?” She looks at me expectantly. I can see where this is going. The apartment complex is rather large and there is lots of time to talk while we walk. She said she would help me, so I guess I better be straight with her.
“It’s rough, especially now that I’m trying not to drink so much. I’m starting back at the gym tomorrow. You should come with me.”
“With my crazy schedule between work and school, I have to fit in exercise here and there. I don’t want to promise that I will go with you and then not be able to follow up.”
“I understand. It’s cool.” We are walking into the playground and she sits on one of the swings. I automatically walk around and start to push her.
“Traxx, how are you sleeping?”
“Not very good, Ciara. I still have nightmares almost every night.”
“Do you have trouble falling sleep?”
“Not really. I just wake up screaming, re-living the moment, you know?” I push harder and she is swinging higher and higher. She swings her legs like little kids do. “When will the guilt stop? I feel guilty all the time. Will I ever get over it?”
“I’m not sure you will ever get over it, but I can assure you we will find a way to get you through it. It’s normal to feel guilty about feeling good. You have to remember that it was her choice to end her life, not yours. It’s not your fault.”
“I don’t know, Ciara. If I had not treated her like I did…”
“You don’t know that. We have no way of knowing if it would have been different for her. If it hadn’t been you, it may have been someone else. I’m not going to be all cliché and tell you to stop feeling the way you are. You have to work your way out of there on your own, one step out of time. I will help you.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, Traxx, I promise you that. Now come around the swing and catch me – will ya’?”
There she goes with that sweet smile. How can anyone say no to that? I walk around to the front and she throws herself off of the swing, right into my arms.
We are laughing hard, looking at each other, becoming aware that we are both almost out of breath. I can smell her crisp, clean perfume. I can smell her minty breath. I look at her eyes and she looks back at mine. When I lick my bottom lip, she’s intently looking at it with want and I notice her smile is gone and I see her swallow - hard. The wind is blowing her long blond hair all over the place. Suddenly, it becomes obvious that our playful embrace its more than that. I am painfully aware that my body’s crushing hers and for a few seconds I become lost in her warmth. It feels good. Really good.
Ciara realizes what is happening and taps my shoulders to bring me back into reality. I slowly and carefully release her until her feet are steady on the ground. I keep one hand on her waist, and with the other hand I take some of her fly-away hair and tuck it behind her ear. And because I love to torture myself, instead of putting my hand inside my pocket, I lightly brush my knuckles on her cheek and jawline. I see her intake a deep breath and notice her pulse is going really fast. She is looking down, but as I finish touching her, she looks up at me – what is that I see? I swear I saw a flicker of something. It’s probably just pity and I’m reading into it way too much. I’m probably the biggest ass she’s ever known. Why would she care about me?
“Why?” I ask her and nobody in particular at the same time.
Ciara takes a step away from me. “Why what?”
“Why do you care so much?” I’m not sure I need to be asking her this. I don’t even know why I’m doing it.
“Why wouldn’t I? You are our friend and at the moment I’m the most qualified to help you out of all of us.”
“You are the most qualified? So… I’m only a case study to you? A subject for your graduate course work?”
“No Traxx, that’s not what I meant.”
I turn around and start to head back. I can’t stay here. “It really doesn’t mat
ter, I should have known better.” I can’t help but sound angry, because I am. What would I think that she actually cares for me in any other way?
“What? No, wait…”
“Never mind, Ciara. I get it.” My mind is telling me to stay, let her explain things, maybe I got it all wrong. It wouldn’t be the first time. But my pride, my pride was knocked down a few notches and it’s telling me not to bother, to keep walking. So that’s what I chose to do.
Ciara
“No you don’t. You don’t get it at all.” I whisper to myself, ensuring Traxx cannot hear me.
As I start to head back to my apartment, I try to think about what just happened. I know I have feelings for Traxx, and at times it seems he has feelings for me. Does he? Is Traxx Maxwell capable of really caring for someone other than himself? Maybe what I saw was just gratitude. Yes, that’s probably all there is to it. Right now, he’s mad at me, but overall he’s just grateful that someone cares about him – someone other than the guys.
Everything was going so well today. He seemed happy for once. Then I say the wrong thing and poof – it’s all gone to the shitter. Do I have what it takes to help him out? He’s definitely not a case study, but this is new territory for me and I have to tread carefully.
I hear my phone’s text alert go off. I reach to my back pocket and pull it out.
Keagan: Where are you?
Ciara: On my way back
Keagan: Ok. We saw Traxx come back by himself but he wouldn’t talk to us. I got worried.
Ciara: I think I said the wrong thing. He’s pissed at me.
Keagan: Hurry back. We’ll talk.
Ciara: Almost there.
I rush back to my apartment, to find out Notso has already left. Immediately, I walk to my room to change out of these tight jeans and back into my yoga pants. I need to breathe. I also put on a comfy sweatshirt, grab my e-reader and a Diet Coke and set to relax on the couch. Keagan comes out of her room and sits across from me.
“I’m ready. What happened?”
I better skip all the more ‘gushy’ details and go straight to the point. “I’m not sure. I said something about me being the only one who can help him and he accused me of treating him like a research project… It wasn’t pretty. I know that his emotional state is all over the place, but I don’t see him as a science project. I see him as someone who needs help to alleviate the stress and sadness he’s going through. Based on the research that I’ve done, it is obvious that he will go through mood swings, irritability and bursts of anger, but it’s still hard to be at the receiving end of those.”
“Wow, I bet that was difficult.”
“Yes, he’s going through every day from dark to light and on repeat. I bet he’s at home drinking to drown everything. That’s his way to deal.”
“I can text Notso and find out.”
Keagan’s red hair is in a messy bun, and not covering one of her blue eyes, like she normally styles it. It’s almost weird to see her like this because she always has her hair down. “No, don’t worry about it. He is safe at home and he needs to be able to drown out his feelings somehow. As of yet, I have not figured out a way that he can release his frustrations, so I don’t have any suggestions for him other than ask him to go to the gym, and I’m still so full of pizza, if I exercise it’s not going to be pretty.”
Keagan giggles. “Okay, let’s just have some quiet time and read, then.”
“Yeah. Let’s.” Even though I want to get lost in the pages that I’m reading, my mind is only getting lost on my thoughts of Traxx, what he means to me, what he’s possibly going through inside his head and how in the world I’m going to help him. Me. Am I over my head? Yes. I know it and my friends know it, too. Maybe if I can get him to progress one little bit, maybe he will agree to see a specialist. Living in denial won’t help him either, but as long as he keeps moving forward, it’s a lot better than moving backwards. So, I will continue to try and build new memories that hopefully will push the bad ones aside.
Traxx
As I’m walking up the steps towards the lobby, I see Notso and my cousin on the balcony, laughing carelessly and it only pisses me off even more. They try to get my attention as I’m climbing the stairs, but I just ignore them. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone right now.
I unlock the door to my place, and walk straight to the bar, grabbing the bottle of Jack Daniel’s as I come around the corner. I don’t even bother with a glass, hell no. I wrestle for a second with the cap, which gives me pause. Am I sure I really want to do this? I need something to quiet down the screams inside my head and the pain inside my chest… I take a huge gulp and the heat rolls down my throat slowly… burning…
Then the guilt comes and it’s overwhelming. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to hurt myself. Instead I look at the bottle in my hand and before I can take another drink, it flies out of my hand across the room and against the wall. I’m on edge, on fire, in pain… A scream comes out of my mouth just as the tears start rolling down my cheeks. It’s too much, I don’t want to feel anything anymore…
The door opens and I see Notso coming towards me.
“Traxx, what’s going on? What are you doing on the floor?”
I’m on my knees, looking down. I wipe my eyes before I look at him. I try to speak, but can’t. Nothing’s coming out. I’m overwhelmed by something greater that I can even understand. Am I going crazy? My heart is beating too fast, I don’t think it’s normal. Just then, a ringing inside my ears starts and slowly it’s getting louder. Too much, this is a lot more than I can take. I can’t breathe. I CAN’T BREATHE! My body is checking out and I’m falling back towards the darkness. Falling back where I belong. I see Marcy’s image prompting me to follow her. She says it’s good in the dark. She says the pain will go away. So I go.
“Traxx! Oh my god! Fuck!”
The last thing I see is Notso getting out his phone and calling for help.
Ciara
I hear my phone ringing as I get comfy on the couch with my book. It’s Notso.
“What’s up?”
“Something is really wrong with Traxx, he’s not responsive and it looks like he can’t breathe!”
“Crap! It’s probably a panic attack! I’m on my way… Try to calm him down and regulate his breathing…” I look towards Keagan, who’s wondering what’s going on. “Come on Keagan, its Traxx!” She jumps to her feet and is following me closely. We’re running to their apartment upstairs, taking two steps at a time. I open the door and find Notso kneeling beside Traxx, who has been able to regulate his breathing a little. I kneel in front of Traxx and notice his pupils are still a bit larger than normal. His skin is cold and clammy. Not good.
“Hey, loverboy, let’s get you better. Why are you trying to scare the crap out of us?” I smile at him. He’s able to focus on me briefly and I can see that he’s scared. “Everything’s going to be ok. You need to concentrate on your breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth.” His panicked gaze lifts to meet my eyes. I smile at him to give him confidence even though I’m shaking on the inside. My hand moves over to his arm, and I rub him gently, soothing him with my softly spoken words.
“Imitate my breathing. Slowly. Yes, that’s it. Can you feel your heart slowing down?” He gently nods at me. Keagan is right behind me, asking if he will be okay. I turn to look at her and nod. “I think so…” I look back at Traxx, “can you talk to us?” I get another nod. After a few minutes, he seems almost normal. “You look better, what happened?”
“I’m not sure. I’d rather not talk about it.”
We all look at each other, a little dumbfounded.
“Traxx… You have to open up. How are we going to help you if you keep us away from what’s happening to you?”
“I don’t need help.”
“I beg to differ.” I give him a hard look.
“What do you know about what I’m going through?” He’s becoming agitated again. I decide not to push the
issue.
“Look, I didn’t mean to upset you. We’re worried, that’s all. How about you go rest for a little while.”
“Traxx, you don’t need to be so rude. We are your friends and family. You’ve gotta know that we only want the best for you.” Notso chimes in.
“Perhaps I need to give Uncle Logan a call… Maybe you should go visit them for a little while, get away from here for a few days…” Keagan is trying to reason with him.
“No. That won’t be happening. I don’t need my parents hovering over me. I just want to be left alone.” Shakily, he gets up off the floor, walks to the counter, grabs his keys and leaves the apartment. We stay in the middle of the living room, sadly looking at each other and feeling uncertain of what to do next.
Traxx
As I’m driving aimless through the streets, I’m trying to make sense of what’s happening to me. Although I’m not the person who pulled the trigger and killed Marcy, I do feel somewhat responsible. The guilt is on one side pulling at me. On the other side, I have these crazy visions reliving those horrible last moments of her life over and over again. She did say that I was going to pay the price and she was right. I’m living in my own private hell day in and day out.
Sitting at a red light, I’m waiting for it to change from red to green, when I hear a sound that completely transports me to a different place and time.
Bang!
I’m back in my old living room, looking at Marcy pacing back and forth, not knowing what to do. She lifts her gun and points it at my face, and just as she is getting ready to pull the trigger a horn brings me back to the present. I shudder and make myself move my foot from the brake to the gas pedal. As my truck advances on the road, I’m trying really hard to leave all the bad memories behind. I know deep in my heart I will fail miserably. Life is never that easy.
After driving for who knows how long, I find myself in front of Colton’s place. His truck is here and Brianna’s car is not. Perfect. I take a deep breath, jump down from my truck and go up to the door when I hear some noise coming out. I’m not sure if it’s the TV or the Xbox. It doesn’t matter. I ring the doorbell and follow with a loud knock on the door. I see his shadow through the hammered glass getting closer as he approaches to open the door.
Dismantled (Girls on Top #2) Page 5