Lines We Forget

by J. E. Warren

  Charlie hadn’t put up any resistance because he wanted to enjoy her company more and listen to her talk. To admire the way she kept looking at him as if he was the only thing in her world. But going back to his made him nervous too. Thoughts of what might happen once they did spinning through his mind. He wondered if perhaps his hopes might finally come true.

  Anna, however, seems to have other ideas. She perches beside his wash rack and asks if he has anything warm to drink.

  “My hands are still so numb from this crazy weather,” she says as he ignores the crate of beer in the fridge, fetching a carton of milk instead to make hot chocolate.

  “It is rather cold out. I’ve put the heating on but it’ll take a while to get going.”

  She shrugs her shoulders. “A nice warm drink will do. Shouldn’t have any more alcohol tonight. I’m slowly learning that my idea of one too many is actually really like five too many.”

  Flicking the kettle switch, he hangs up his jacket and offers to give her a brief tour whilst it boils. Almost goes in to take one of her hands until he sees that she’s got them balled up, blowing warm breath into them.

  “So this is the lounge. Not much going on here. I got a new sofa, though, and Eddie sold me his old flat screen,” he tells her, leading away from the mess to show her the bathroom and his bedroom, which he’s thankfully kept tidy.

  It feels weird to have her in there, stood by his double bed and so close to the drawer with a picture of them in happier times propped up on it. He hopes she won’t notice it in the dim light.

  “What happened to your guitar?” she asks, pointing to the one that lies under his bed.

  Charlie explains how it got knocked about in transit whilst moving in. “Got to get it fixed or buy a new one. Shame, really, as I’ve had that one for years.”

  “Oh dear, I liked that one too.” Anna sighs and he wonders if she’s thinking about all the history that came with it and all the times he’d sat and serenaded her. But then again, maybe she’s tried hard to forget, and so he quickly ushers her out.

  “It’s a really nice flat. You’ve done well,” she replies once the steam has risen from the kettle and she’s taken a seat by the table. “More spacious than the last, but cosy still, homely.”

  “Something like that,” he mumbles back, absentmindedly trying to scoop out just the right amount of cocoa powder to fill up her mug. Only remembering at the last minute to add in two sugars, the way she always takes hot drinks.

  It’s then he hears the chair scrape on the wooden floor and feels her presence close, can smell her sweet perfume and the faint scent of gin.

  Quietly she asks, “So what’s going on, Charlie?”

  “I’m making us hot chocolate?”

  Anna groans, and when he turns round she’s rubbing the bridge of her nose and her head’s bowed low. Something’s not right.

  “That’s not what I meant. I was talking about us. You and me.”

  “I don’t know if I follow what you mean exactly.”

  “Us, Charlie—doing this whole ‘hey look, we’re just friends’ routine. I’m not sure I can keep going along with it, pretending like that’s all we might be.”

  He wonders if she’s been reading his mind, if she can tell how feels. Maybe playing an old song earlier, one fraught with meaning, has helped her realise just how in love with her he still is.

  Arms now folded tight against her chest, Anna looks up and whispers, “I can’t ignore my feelings anymore. I need to know what’s going on. If you feel it too.”

  And Charlie doesn’t mean to but he replies a little too strongly. “Well, what do you want?” Instantly regretting the fact he sounds more angry instead of sympathetic.

  “What do I want?” she repeats. “Isn’t that obvious?”

  “I…I don’t know.”

  “You, Charlie. I want you. It’s the truth and it’s confusing and often frustrating but also exciting and wonderful, like I’ve properly woken up. Realised that I let the best thing I had slip away and that I might, perhaps, have another shot at getting it back.”

  Stopping to stir the hot chocolate so that the spoon spins on alone, he allows her words to sink in. Anna leans back against the worktop and fiddles with her bracelet, shifting on her feet, waiting for him to say something until she can’t stand the silence any longer.

  “Trust me. I tried to stay away, thought it might be too hard to see you again. Because maybe you were done, didn’t want to even know me after everything, but I just had to find out for sure.”

  He tries to say me too but she keeps going, and he figures she’s got a lot on her mind that needs to be released so he stays quiet.

  “I’m sorry. So unbelievably sorry for all the shitty things I did and the way I treated you, when we together and apart. For how I pushed you away and for all the arguments. Honestly, I was just scared, the worry and all the guilt from leaving ate away and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

  “Anna, look—”

  “When I say I want you, I know it sounds hollow now and I can’t even stand here and promise that everything will work out forever and forever. And I don’t want to intrude on your new life, but I need to tell you that I miss you, and if there’s a chance, any chance to be with you again, then I’ll take it,” Anna says, holding on to the counter behind her like she needs to keep herself upright, as if what’s on her mind might threaten to knock her over. “I couldn’t forgive myself for not giving it another go. If I just walked away again.”

  “Anna, I know,” Charlie replies, looking her straight in the eye, but she’s on a roll and doesn’t appear to even notice, takes another deep breath.

  “I never stopped thinking about you. Not even for a day, even when I tried my hardest to, and I realise now that I should have told you more. Made you aware that you drive me crazy in the best possible way. And I hate how it ended, and that I wasn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for us falling apart. That I never told you how I really felt, and how I never wanted to lose you.”

  He steps forward to close the gap between them so she can hear exactly what he wants and needs to say. If only so he can get her to just look at him, so she knows there’s no need to worry about such things.

  Because he doesn’t want to just be friends and he doesn’t care about what they are supposed to do or think or feel. He wants her to know without any doubt that he thinks about her non-stop. That she doesn’t have to trade all her feelings alone.

  Before he can, Anna slides past him and reaches over to take hold of the spoon, wrapping her delicate fingers tight round the mug as she brings it close to her lips.

  “The future really freaks me out, Charlie. I have no idea what might happen, but it just feels less scary if there’s a possibility that you’ll be there, in it. With me.”

  When she’s taken a small sip she sighs heavily to finish. “Things feel like they might just be falling into place, but there’s one thing missing and that’s you.”

  “Anna, please, if you’d just—”

  “But I understand if that’s not the way you feel and I know I’m rambling on and you can’t get a word in and I’m sorry for that but just tell me if you don’t feel the same. It’s okay, I can handle it…I think.”

  A moment passes that feels like forever but is only really a few seconds as Charlie pulls the mug of hot chocolate away from her grasp. The contents splash out as he rests it on the counter. He doesn’t want anything to be a distraction, so that all her attention can focus on what he says as he stands there and trades his own feelings, truthfully, once and for all.

  “Anna,” he begins as her eyes widen, finally meeting his. “I didn’t stop loving you. I just had to press pause and work out what I wanted. The thought of you reappearing back in my life felt like it would only be a hopeful wish, a dream that I knew I shouldn’t count on but did anyway.”

  He feels her warm breath tickle his neck as he speaks, and he’s amazed that she’s not talking for once, just liste
ning quietly.

  “And I thought about you all the time, and how I should have done things differently. Dealt better with you being back home, and all the shit that happened in between. I still want you; I mean, all I want to do is be near you. Hell, since you’ve come back it’s the only thing I can seem to think about.” As he takes a moment to process the way her eyes have started to water, Charlie gathers the courage he needs in order to confess something else she deserves to know. He has to tell her about Emily so there will be nothing left hidden, so she can fully understand that there isn’t anyone that could compare, before or since.

  “I know it’s not easy to hear, but I met someone recently,” he explains slowly and very carefully. “And it sounds awful but as nice as she is, it’s not what I want. It was just another way to fill the gap, because I was lonely and still trying to pretend that I didn’t need you. It was nice for a bit, but that didn’t stop me thinking about you all the time, and even though I knew you were long gone I couldn’t help it. I thought this other person might make me forget but she didn’t and it wasn’t the same. Now I know why it never felt right.”

  “Charlie—”

  “It didn’t feel right because I was just hoping and wishing and waiting for you.” He’s sure he can hear just how fast Anna’s heart’s beating even if it’s not pressed up to him, and his own speeds up as she weaves her fingers through his belt loops to pull him closer.

  Lost in her deep brown eyes, he whispers, “I never forgot. I tried and I lost sleep over it but really, how could I?”

  With strength that surprises him, Charlie lifts her up onto the counter, pulling her hips to his, which sends the pot of cocoa powder tumbling down to the floor. Her hands push back to clear space and the wash rack and dishcloths end up beside his feet in a flurry.

  “I know there’s still so much left to figure out and so much to catch up on and make up for, but I’m willing to try and I won’t give up, not again,” he says, loving the way her skin feels softly familiar, and how he’s inches away from her lips, how her breathing is fast and electric just like his own.

  And then he kisses her like it’s the first time and like it won’t ever be the last.

  Delicately to start with, until Anna bites his lip and the lingering, sweet chocolate taste as she does gives him the desire to kiss back harder. Charlie finds the drag of her fingertips through his hair, how she pulls at the collar of his shirt, a wild and wonderful turn on. It makes his legs weak and head dizzy.

  “I’ve missed this. All of this. All of you,” he whispers, leaving a light trail of kisses along her collarbone that’s exposed and inviting. She pushes her chest against his and her legs wrap round his waist with urgency. Her skin is hot to the touch and her back arches as he lifts the hem of her dress.

  Charlie feels like his whole world is swaying as the intensity of her mouth on his spreads to the rest of his body. Anna keeps on kissing him like her whole existence is close to tumbling away too.

  Like everything around them has gone silent, all he can hear is the way she’s repeating his name on the corners of his mouth every time he traces the soft spot at the base of her spine.

  Anna’s hair spills down all around and he can’t remember why on earth he ever thought he’d be able to live without her. It never made sense to have foolishly sought the same kind of love and affection from another.

  When the heating kicks in and sends the boiler into overdrive, he carries her to the sofa in one swift motion, leaving a trail of their winter warmth, her dress and tights, his shirt and shoes, and all inhibitions behind.

  And Charlie tells her between warm, wandering hands that the cab she’d mentioned calling earlier to take her home can wait, just as everything else can wait as he takes her in his arms and promises to never try to forget again.

  Just how wonderful it feels to look down into her mischievous brown eyes and hear her moan his name softly, over and over as she pulls him in, deeper and closer than ever before.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Anna

  December 31st 2010

  With the heavy black bin liner slung over her shoulder so that it doesn’t drag through any puddles, Anna continues to trudge down the street to Charlie’s flat, wondering if his surprise present is still unscathed after she bundled it into a sack in a rush to get to his.

  It’s not quite how she pictured her New Year’s Eve to start, at eight o’clock, weaving her way past excited groups of revellers and racing taxicabs. All dolled up, looking like a feline out on the prowl, doesn’t help much either. Cheeks lined with kohl eyeliner for whiskers and a black smudge on the tip of her nose. Anna knows it must be quite a sight to witness, noting that the tail she wears made from an old stuffed sock is an invitation for passers-by to gawk. The handmade cat ears only adding to the bizarre spectacle.

  Still, love often means sacrificing coolness and practicality.

  Picking up the pace, she checks the time on her phone and quickly skim reads the message from Ollie that’s been begging for attention since earlier in the afternoon. She doesn’t pay much mind to his wishes for her to have a banging New Year. Only sends a curt thanks, just copies and pastes his words back as a similar reply.

  Because their regrettable fling is now nothing but a distant memory and she’s done her best in the time since she and Charlie rekindled their flame to let Ollie know in no uncertain terms that they were hundred percent over. It hadn’t been easy to find the right time or words in the days following Charlie’s kisses and wonderful, much missed wandering hands, but it wasn’t something that could be put off.

  When she’d called and broke the news, his reaction wasn’t at all surprising, nor was it painful to hear him agree. Ollie told her he thought it would end eventually now that she’d left Lyme and offered her a casual goodbye and a friendly wish to take care. Anna wasn’t disheartened either or too guilt-ridden, because she knew he’d likely find a girl just as quick to kiss like a fish and bestow market stall gifts to in no time at all.

  In fact she felt relief, finally able to explain to Charlie that she’d been with someone else too. Trying and failing to fill in the gap that he’d dug deep.

  And whatever she’d once had with Ollie was now well and truly over for good and for the better, because of him.

  Still, even though the love she has for Charlie transcends the majority of things in her life, she knows it doesn’t mean she has to give everything up or forget that she’s built a life back in London before the possibility of them was even an option. So she continues to work and keeps all the plans already set out for the festive season, like seeing her family back home and spending the weekend before Christmas with Molly before she left to stay at her sister’s.

  Anna’s been careful to keep a balance so that there is no danger of falling back into bad habits. Which leaves her feeling even more content with how her puzzle pieces have come together and how they fit nicely into her lifestyle.

  Charlie has his own things going on too, like the party at Eddie’s for New Year’s, which they’ve agreed won’t hurt—one more night apart is nothing to worry about. Honouring accepted engagements just part and parcel of their reignited love. She’s happy to dip in and out of his routine because when they do spend time together, some nights after work and at the weekend, it’s more than enough. Just to know he’s there, that she can see and kiss him or call him late into the night again.

  How when the timing is right she finds herself not wanting to be anywhere else in the world.

  Anna is thankful for the independence that both she and Charlie have kept because they are happier, and being together feels easy and all the more cherished. There is a happiness and comfort that comes from being in each other’s lives once more, but it doesn’t consume everything, and she believes it to be the reason why it’s working out so well. Better than she could have ever dreamed and longed for.

  And when he opens the door, once she’s buzzed herself into his lovely little apartment block, she h
ears the amusement in his laughter and it confirms the fact that she’s right.

  As he pretends to stroke her face, he chuckles. “I wasn’t expecting any feline visitors tonight.”

  She thrusts her handbag towards him. “You should be grateful, babe. I’ve trekked halfway across London to bring you that.” Catching a breath, she proceeds to kick off her boots.

  His eyes dart over to the bin liner that’s propped up against the front door. She’s happy that the contents are still concealed so well, because the anticipation of witnessing his reaction and delight fills her with excitement.

  “That for me?”

  “Yeah, it’s for you. Give me a second though to get some feeling back in my arms first.” She smiles, pulling off her tail to sit at the kitchen table a little more comfortably. Quickly checking that her cat ears are still in place and not coming undone.

  “So what are you supposed to be then?” Charlie asks, grinning.

  “All right, don’t you start. I’m a Cat—isn’t that obvious?” She chucks a cushion at him, then worries she’ll miss and end up hitting his present instead of her intended target, who is busy ruffling his hair in a breathtakingly sexy fashion. When he continues to grin, she wonders if maybe she should have picked a different fancy dress costume for her work colleague’s New Year’s Eve bash or if she is always destined to suck at picking the right outfit. Because dressing up isn’t her specialty and she feels silly and slightly disappointed with the hastily-thrown-together result.

  “Ah, I see. Is that the theme, then, of your friend’s party?”

  “What do you mean?”

  Charlie runs a finger to trace her whiskers. “The theme, it’s a homage to the musical Cats, I’m assuming?”

  “Very funny,” Anna replies, boarding the sarcasm train to shoot back. “And I suppose the theme of Eddie’s party this year is—rolled out of bed hungover?”