Blindsided

by Karis Walsh

  “Really?” Cara hadn’t expected Lenae to have doubts about what she was doing. She was even more surprised that Lenae would admit to them. “But look at what a partnership you’ve built with Baxter, and how well you trained Toby. I was helpless with the blindfold on, but he took care of me every step of the way. Because of the training you gave him.”

  Baxter stopped in front of the deli, and Lenae felt for the handle and opened the door. Cara let the conversation end while she and Lenae stood near the counter and decided what kind of sub sandwiches to order. The smells of vinegar and cured meat must have been tempting to dog noses, and Cara knew Lenae heard Pickwick’s front claws scratching on the glass-fronted case of meats and cheeses. Cara struggled with him and cursed under her breath.

  “Maybe I should take him outside,” Cara said when they had placed their order.

  “He needs to get accustomed to being in restaurants and other tempting places,” Lenae said.

  Cara knew this was true. Pickwick did need to learn self-control. But she wondered if Lenae was deliberately turning the conversation away from her own insecurities to her comfort zone of puppy training.

  “He’ll eventually learn to keep focused on you and not on the food he can smell, but only after plenty of exposure. Why don’t you find us a table near the door, and we’ll see if he’ll settle down when Baxter does.”

  Lenae let go of Baxter’s harness once she sat down, and he immediately lay down under her chair. Cara watched Pickwick bump against Lenae’s ankles as he tried to goad the older dog into a wrestling match. When Baxter’s only response was a deep sigh, Pickwick gave up and sat down on Lenae’s foot.

  “He’s chewing on Baxter’s harness,” Cara said. She knew she should do more to stop him than just telling Lenae and making it her problem, but she hadn’t been able to get through to the puppy yet. Let the expert handle him since she was sitting right there. Besides, she loved seeing Lenae’s assuredness when she worked with the dogs. Cara admired the combination of passion and skill that Lenae—and most of her other Around the Sound interviewees—possessed.

  “Do you have a chew toy for him?”

  Cara always had one with her, although Pickwick didn’t seem to care. She put the bone-shaped toy in Lenae’s waiting hand.

  “First, make it uncomfortable for him to keep chewing on the inappropriate object,” Lenae said, switching from her conversational tone into what Cara was starting to recognize as her teaching voice. Patient and reassuring. Seemingly unaffected by the way they’d touched earlier. She watched as Lenae felt for Pickwick’s busy mouth. “Be prepared for those sharp little teeth, and put light pressure on his tongue. Just enough to be annoying to him.”

  Pickwick let go of the harness as he poked his tongue out and seemed like he was trying to spit Lenae’s hand out of his mouth. She immediately praised him when he dropped the harness, and offered him the chew toy. He refused it, but after repeating the same process several times, he finally took the toy from her and curled up next to Baxter’s head while he chomped on it.

  “Well, now you’re just showing off,” Cara said. She wasn’t sure what was most impressive—the sight of Pickwick doing a reasonable impression of a well-behaved puppy, or Lenae’s intuitive way of making him want to be one. “If you can teach people as easily as you do dogs, I’ll bet you’ll have me obeying your every whim before we get our sandwiches.”

  “People aren’t as straightforward as animals, but I can give it a try. Maybe I can get you to quack like a duck whenever I say the word action. That’d be amusing the next time you film a puppy-walking spot.”

  Cara sensed something behind Lenae’s laughter. A subtle denigration of Cara’s profession? Or was the uneasiness associated with Lenae and not her? She went against her own instincts and assumed Lenae was thinking of her own career, not Cara’s. “Joking aside, you truly have a gift. Training in any capacity, whether human or animal, is admirable when it’s done with kindness and finesse.”

  “Thank you.” Lenae relaxed her facial muscles. She had read and heard about people’s emotions being conveyed through expression, but the concept was foreign to her. She could feel a frown or a smile through her fingertips, but she had no idea how her own face registered her feelings to a sighted person. So over the years she had figured out how to put on a mask of stillness. The ability had served well in the cutthroat world of news writing, and she had often been praised for having a good poker face. But now, in her new capacity as teacher—especially someone striving to help her students develop the bonds of trust and partnership with other beings—the skill of hiding her thoughts might be a liability.

  Calm facial muscles, but an internal struggle. Lenae hadn’t even voiced her doubts to Des, but she sensed Cara might somehow understand her feelings of inadequacy.

  “I appreciate the compliment. I’m fine with the dogs,” she said, not wanting to sound boastful, but being honest about the results she’d had in the past. “Working with Baxter, and later with the few guide dogs I trained, I felt…I don’t know. Right. Like the answers to behavioral problems or next steps in training just came into my head when I needed them. I really believe the methods I’ve developed will be successful when I have the chance to implement them from early stages forward.”

  “But…?”

  “But I don’t work nearly as well with people. I guess I did well when the cases were easy. The students I had in the past were all highly motivated to connect with a guide dog. They had committed money and time and sought me out because they didn’t have access to more conventional training centers.”

  “How is it different now? Aren’t the new owners here because they want a dog?”

  Lenae wrestled with her explanation. “Usually. But sometimes they’ll come here because a doctor or therapist has recommended it. Or they need the independence to get a job or to live alone. But it’s not as simple as grabbing hold of the harness and saying the correct commands.” Lenae struggled to find a way to explain the experience without telling her personal story. She couldn’t get past the worry that Cara might exploit it someday—not because of a meanness of spirit, but if she saw an opportunity to use the information as a way to promote the show, and her career. Lenae had been through that before, and she was determined to protect herself from being a stepping stone ever again.

  “Think about your afternoon walk with Toby. How many different emotions did you feel during that short time?”

  Lenae thought back to the day they had filmed the segment. She hadn’t realized then, as she’d argued with Cara over the motives and compassion of the puppy walkers, that she’d be here now with Cara, with Pickwick flopped against their feet. If she hadn’t been sure of Cara’s ability to remain detached, sure of Cara’s respect for the process, she’d never have agreed to let Pickwick train with her. During that walk with Toby, Cara had shown compassion and understanding.

  “Fear,” Cara said, breaking into Lenae’s thoughts. “We were moving so fast, and I had no idea whether I was about to trip over something or get run over. But more than physical danger, I was afraid of moving through darkness with only the wood of the harness connecting me to the world. I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. I know you live with this every—”

  “You’re right, Cara. I do live with it, but I remember getting Baxter and how different movement was from what I was accustomed to. I hadn’t realized how slowly and carefully I walked through life until I took hold of his harness, and off we went. It was terrifying—like you said, not just in a physical way, but in a sense of how much my life would change with this wonderful creature by my side. But what else did you feel?”

  “I remember when Toby moved me back onto the sidewalk when I almost tripped off the curb. The connection with him was awesome. I also felt pride because I was learning something new, and a sense of sympathy as I got a chance to experience a small part of someone else’s world. I’ll admit I was relieved when I was able to take the blindfold off and return to my
normal, but I also was kind of sad since I knew I’d never have the strong connection to a partner like you have with Baxter, and like I had a taste of with Toby.”

  Lenae was impressed by Cara’s honesty and by her ability to discern the complex feelings she had experienced. She had thought, after hearing Cara talk on camera, that she would be less…dimensional. More focused on what was visible on film and less on her internal life. “Now imagine all those emotions, but magnified. You’re changing your whole way of life. And maybe you’ve recently lost your sight and you haven’t yet come to terms with it.”

  “It would be overwhelming. I’m not sure how I’d react, but some of those emotions would have to break free, even if I tried very hard to control them.”

  Lenae agreed. She and Cara both seemed able to control their inner lives and carefully choose what would be revealed to the outer world. “I can deal with the responses and reactions of the dogs because they usually make sense if you try to understand them. But I have a harder time with the people. I honestly don’t know if I’ll be able to get past my inability to read and communicate with humans. I was a writer, and I didn’t have trouble expressing difficult concepts and news stories and political issues through words, but this is different. I’m not trying to explain the way to train a guide dog, but I’m trying to explain how to feel trust and love. How to create a partnership. And I’m failing.”

  “You’re helping me with Pickwick. And I’ll bet most of your students are doing just fine. Who’s the one who recently lost vision?”

  Lenae should have known Cara would pick up on the heart of her problem. She might not be working for a big network, but she was a reporter at heart.

  “His name is Gene, and I matched him with Toby. I was so certain they’d be a good match—well, to be honest, I was convinced I had some sort of sixth sense when it came to pairing dogs and owners. I was proud of it. But I messed up with these two. He’s still raging over the loss of his sight, but he won’t admit it. And you and Toby formed a better partnership in one hour than they have in over a week. They do their jobs together, but there’s no sense of the…whatever it is between me and Baxter and between my other students and their dogs. I can’t define or describe it well, so I can’t teach it to him.”

  Cara had felt a hint of the bond Lenae was talking about, but she had even less experience with it than Lenae. She’d never felt it in a real or lasting way with a person or animal, but she had no doubt she’d know it if it happened to her. She just didn’t believe it ever would. She’d had a brief glimpse of an all-encompassing connection today with Lenae—when every sense was attuned to the other person—but it had been temporary and probably one-sided. “Maybe it’s like falling in love. You’ve arranged the pairings, but the emotional attachment might take its own time to develop. I don’t think you can force it.”

  Cara heard Lenae’s sigh. Frustration and doubt. She figured Lenae had felt plenty of the first in her life, but Lenae didn’t seem like the type to have much self-doubt.

  “I’m trying to have patience,” Lenae said. “To keep telling myself and Gene not to worry, that it will eventually be okay. But I don’t know if either of us believes me.”

  Cara imagined the blindfold she had been wearing when she walked with Toby. What if she had been told she could never take it off? Would she be content to listen to promises that she’d eventually learn to cope? “Maybe it won’t be okay,” she said before she could stop herself.

  “What do you mean? He’ll have to adjust to his condition and move on. It’s part of life. Things don’t always work out like we want, but we adapt and keep going.”

  “You’re right that he will have to face the fact that he can’t change things, but focusing on the positive might not help him right now. Maybe he needs to be allowed to feel exactly what he feels, as long as Toby is safe with him and they’re functioning well enough. Don’t deny who he is at this moment, or what he’s experiencing.”

  Lenae wasn’t convinced. The sooner Gene accepted his lot in life, the sooner he’d be able to move on and get back to the world of the living. He was isolated in his pain, not allowing Toby or anyone else to get close. It wasn’t a healthy way to live, Lenae knew from experience. She kept people away as much as she could, but at least she had allowed Baxter close to her. She carried the bags of sandwiches back to the center while Cara struggled to control Pickwick, who was refreshed after his short nap at the deli. She didn’t believe Cara’s advice would work in her situation, but she was curious at the emotion she’d detected behind it. Had Cara ever been allowed to truly be herself, or had her authentic thoughts and feelings been criticized, made to be kept under wraps? Lenae most likely wouldn’t have a chance to find out. Today was a moment out of time, and after Cara’s students left, her time with Cara would be limited to puppy-walking sessions—always documented by camera and lacking any of the depth hinted at in today’s conversation or by the sensuality of sharing the hanging basket. Their relationship would return to normal, as flat as a television screen.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Lenae pulled on a pair of jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. The Washington morning was misty and colder than usual for autumn, but she loved the feel of moisture on her skin. The mild, damp climate of the Northwest suited her more than her childhood home in Southern California or her more recent home in New York City, where she’d worked for Three-N. Baxter didn’t mind the wet, either, and they’d often go for long walks alone in the rain. Even with his raincoat, he’d stop every once in a while and shake drops of water all over her, soaking her more than the weather did. Today, though, they wouldn’t be sharing a walk in peace and solitude. They’d have six hyperactive puppies along with them.

  Lenae had been alternating between looking forward to the outing and feeling misgivings about it all morning. She had shared too much with Cara to feel comfortable in her presence. First, Cara had noticed Lenae needed help with the yard and fencing. Second, Lenae had admitted she was having issues with one of her clients. Opening up like that to any person was a sign of weakness and dependence—vulnerabilities that left her in danger of being manipulated or, worse, pitied. But to talk so honestly with a reporter? Insanity. At the very least, Cara might not respect her as a trainer anymore. At worst, Lenae’s problems might become tonight’s news.

  She buckled a clear plastic raincoat over Baxter’s service-dog cape and stuffed a few puppy-sized coats in her pocket in case any of the walkers forgot them. She combed her hair as a small concession to the cameras that would be following their every move. The gesture would be made meaningless by the rain, but Lenae didn’t want to hear Des make any comments about her appearance.

  At least he was pleased by the results of Cara’s efforts to help with the yard. Lenae could feel the difference in the lawn, and Des was ecstatic about the fence and garden. One of Cara’s students, Nancy, had even returned a few times to maintain the flowers she’d planted around the office. Lenae had to admit she enjoyed the scent of them every time she walked out the front door. Cara’s herbs were her favorites, though, and she often added a small pinch of sage or rosemary even to her microwaved meals for a touch of elegance and a reminder of Cara.

  As if she needed reminders of Cara. She was everywhere in Lenae’s mind, tangled up in scents and sensations. Lenae had let her defenses down after their physical connection, and she had talked too freely about her problems with Gene. Lenae had been burned before when she had revealed professional information in her private life. She didn’t believe Cara would try to harm her by revealing business issues on air, but Cara might not realize how damaging the information about Gene—and Lenae’s self-doubts—could be. Cara had come in as a volunteer under unusual circumstances, and they had bonded in their desire not to be unwitting victims of Howard Bradley’s plans. They were doing what he had wanted, each for her own reasons.

  But she could never forget that Cara was a volunteer for the center, not her new confidante. She needed to take control of herself
and her training classes. No more admitting she was failing with Gene or having trouble managing the upkeep of her own property. Even though her self-confidence was sagging because one of her matches was seemingly unsuccessful—a full one-third of her first training class—she had to keep her doubts about her abilities from affecting the way she handled the other phases of training. She had made a plan for the puppy-walking classes to follow, and she couldn’t start second-guessing herself after just one week.

  “Hi, Lenae,” Des greeted her as soon as she entered the office. She let Baxter loose for his morning wrestle, and she felt her way over to the desk. A wet nose gently pressed against her hand, and she knelt to visit with the quiet dog.

  “Good morning, Gem. Are you ready for training today?” The soft-coated Lab wagged her whole body in excitement, making her raincoat crinkle with her movement, but Des sounded less sure.

  “She hates to get wet,” he said. “She’ll be dragging me from awning to awning all day.”

  Lenae laughed as Gem licked her face. “Maybe the puppies will annoy her enough when she takes cover that she’ll prefer getting rained on to hiding away from the weather with them.”

  Lenae knew the moment when Cara came into the room, even before she heard Pickwick join the Des-and-Baxter wrestling match. She wasn’t sure what triggered her awareness—a subconscious hint of her creamy perfume or the unique fall of her footsteps? She was always attuned to her environment, but her awareness seemed unnaturally high where Cara was concerned.

  “Hey, are you saying my sweet puppy is annoying? I can’t believe it, can you, Pickwick?”

  Cara knelt, close enough so Lenae felt their thighs touch. And she had thought having contact with Cara’s hand was enticing.

  “Good morning, Lenae. Who’s this beautiful girl?” Cara petted the Lab, her fingers tangling with Lenae’s. “Did I meet her when we filmed the show?”

  “Only briefly.” Lenae stood and straightened her hair and clothes, putting everything back in place. If only she could tame her scattered emotions as easily. “That’s Gem. She’s right out of her puppy-walking phase, but she belongs to Des now. We’ll try for some puppies from her when she’s a little older.”