Blindsided
Page 19
She pried the tape out of Pickwick’s mouth and gave him a chew toy instead. Maybe people were not formed only by the influences in their lives, but also by the ways they rejected those influences. By learning better and different ways. She had been looking at the world in black-or-white terms. Either she was a media personality or a person of substance. She never believed it was possible to be both at once, until Lenae. Lenae had taught her different ways of defining herself.
She cleaned up her workspace and attached Pickwick’s leash to his collar just as the class started filing into the room. She raised the lights a little but left an image of her as a child on the screen, smiling widely as she held a spoonful of soup. The screen capture from one of her first ad campaigns seemed to capture her childhood. She was always selling something. Herself, her looks, her soul. But she had since proved that she could be on-camera, and enjoy being on-camera, without losing any of her integrity or character. She had compared herself—never favorably—to the people she spotlighted on her show, but in her own way and with her own unique talent she was doing good work. She had gained new understanding with Lenae’s help, but now she had lost Lenae.
“We’ve studied roots and their influences from a distance this semester,” she said, once all the students had arrived and settled into seats. “What makes people tick. What gets them out of bed in the morning or drives them back into it at night. I asked you all to bring an object from your past today, something that has defined you in some way. I’ll start with mine, and then I’d like everyone to share their own stories.”
Cara clicked through several images on screen, each showing her with a big smile, a happy family, a warm and loving façade. After a few slides, she held up the ashtray from her desk. It had been such a fixture in her offices and apartments over the years, she might not have chosen it as a significant memento in her life if it hadn’t been for Lenae. “I made this for my dad when I was in elementary school. As you can see from my photos, my family appeared to have everything. A glamorous lifestyle, affluence, fame, cute kids…”
Cara paused as the class laughed at her falsely modest tone. She smiled and continued. “But under the surface, there wasn’t any real affection or love. There was coldness, distance. Approval when I said or did the right thing at an audition and got a part, but no real tenderness when I didn’t. I’ve carried this ashtray with me my whole life—even before I was consciously aware of what it represented—because I felt the significance of the rejection of this birthday gift intuitively as a child, and more overtly as an adult.”
She paused, hating to tell the story but needing to get it out. “My dad opened the box and laughed. He said he already had a gold-plated ashtray for cigars that matched his office, and besides, I had made the indentations too small. Because the appearance of this ashtray was all wrong, the love and effort I had put into it weren’t important at all. I learned a lesson that day—one that was reinforced throughout my childhood—and this small piece of clay symbolizes the way I’ve seen myself, the way I react to the world around me. Only by accepting the pain, acknowledging it and letting it go, can we move forward and start to reconstruct new roots, and new branches into the future.”
Cara sat and invited the students to share their objects and stories. As she had hoped, they took a cue from her blatant honesty and matched it with their own. She was accustomed to getting the people she interviewed to open up by mustering her acting skills and keeping the focus on them, not herself. She had never encouraged openness in others by opening up herself, except with Lenae. There was something freeing about it, and she felt the release ripple through her classroom. Some of the students talked about what they had brought to class—articles of clothing handed down through generations, books and journals, photos—but some of them admitted that the real truth was still hidden at home. That they had brought something to complete the class assignment, but if they were going to be completely honest, they should have brought something entirely different.
Cara turned the ashtray over and over in her hands. She remembered the pain of her dad’s rejection as if it had just happened, but it was only a shadow of the loss she had felt when Lenae had walked away from her at the theater. She had poured her child’s heart into making the gift for her dad, but how much more of herself had she given to Lenae? Everything she was, and the rejection was so much worse because of it.
Cara listened and prompted, falling back into her role of interviewer with ease and relief. She’d honor the stories her students were sharing by including her own personal history in the final film. She wouldn’t invite her family to watch—they wouldn’t understand. But she’d invite Lenae. She might not come, but Cara was truly telling the story for her ears.
Chapter Twenty-five
Lenae was back in Seattle the following weekend, leading her group of students and their dogs on a field trip. The memory of being here with Cara, sharing a romantic date with her only to have it end in heartbreak, was too fresh in Lenae’s mind. She had made an excuse of a splitting headache—not far from the truth—and had left before that fateful intermission was over. Cara hadn’t tried to stop her, and Lenae and Baxter had walked the familiar route to the bus stop, calling Des for a ride home from Tacoma.
A few days later, Cara had returned the favor by claiming to be sick for their puppy-walking class. Truth be told, Lenae had wanted to fake an illness today, so she wouldn’t have to walk downtown, near ACT. And so she wouldn’t have to deal with Gene and Toby.
The other new handlers were doing well, and she wished she could focus on the two success stories and not her one glaring failure. She had reworked the pairings in her mind, wondering if Gene would have done better with one of the other dogs. Or maybe she should have rejected his application in the first place. But she’d thought he’d be a good candidate, and she’d been so certain he and Toby would find a real bond together.
She and Des had mapped out a series of tests for the students. They were riding the bus together from Olympia to Seattle, and from there they’d split up and go on a scavenger hunt of sorts. The new handlers each had to collect items from several stores in the downtown area, proving they were able to maneuver through crowded streets, find unfamiliar locations, and handle public transportation.
At least the exercise would help distract her from thoughts of Cara. She was confused by what had happened between them. Why Cara’s dad had told her about the morning show job, instead of Cara herself. Why Cara had sounded uncertain about the move, as if she was really considering turning it down. Lenae had been too angry, too hurt, too caught off guard, to question Cara at the time. Instead, she had basically told her to leave. Of course, it hadn’t been difficult to convince Cara, and Lenae figured she was following the plan she’d had in mind all along.
But none of that explained why Cara had invited Lenae to the viewing of her class project. Lenae wasn’t sure she’d be able to sit in the screening room, listening to Cara’s sweet voice, remembering her honey taste, and then walk away again. It had taken all her resolve to tell Baxter to take her away from the theater, away from Cara.
Lenae followed Baxter off the bus when they got to her stop. Each of the students had a different assigned stop, and Des would keep track of them throughout the day. Lenae told Baxter to go to Pike Place Market and he set off without hesitation. She tried to console herself as they walked. At least Cara hadn’t been like Traci. Cara hadn’t intentionally used Lenae, even though Cara’s promos for the center had been instrumental in getting her the new position. Cara had even brought up Lenae and their relationship as a reason to stay, but Lenae couldn’t take that protestation seriously. How quickly Cara would come to resent her if Lenae held her back. Howard had been right about that, at least.
As much as she hated to admit it, Lenae had to agree with Howard about Cara, although his motives were more connected to control of Cara’s career and promoting his family name than concern for his daughter. Lenae only cared about Cara’s heart. She ha
d been cold and pushed Cara away, but only because she recognized what a talent she was. Beautiful inside and out. Lenae had no doubt Cara would use this new opportunity to do good in the world, to share bigger and more influential stories. Lenae was dying inside, but she wouldn’t be selfish enough to deny Cara this chance to grow.
Baxter maneuvered through the crowds with a waving tail and perked ears. She felt his happiness through the harness. She had been at home too much this week, consoling herself with unhindered movement through her apartment and self-pitying meals alone. But she needed to get back in the world, for Baxter if not for herself. He loved the excitement of city streets and fascinating scents. They made quick time to Pike Place, and she was almost at the store where she liked to buy her favorite tea when her cell vibrated. Des. She answered with a sigh.
“Problems already?” she asked.
“Yeah. You-know-who is at Starbucks next to Westlake Center. He says this is a stupid game and he’s not interested in playing.”
“Great. Go ahead and follow the others. I’ll handle Gene.”
Lenae disconnected and gave Baxter their new destination, which was close to their point of origin. She had walked all that way just to have to turn around again. By the time she reached the coffee shop, she was fuming. Cara was leaving her and abandoning Pickwick. She was a failure at pairing dogs and owners—a huge part of her job as trainer. And she had worn the wrong shoes for traipsing up and down the hilly Seattle streets.
She sat down at the table once Baxter had led her to Toby. No consoling, no preamble. “What’s going on, Gene?”
“I felt like having coffee, so I had Toby find a coffee shop. That seems to be enough proof that we’re working together, so why bother doing your little scavenger hunt?”
Lenae was tempted to coax him into trying the activity. To somehow get through to him that life would be better once he accepted his changed circumstances. But she didn’t believe her own reassurances any more. She thought back to Cara’s comment about acknowledging and allowing Gene’s anger.
“Fine,” she said. “You’re right, you don’t have to do the exercise.”
“Really? Well, good.” She heard the surprise in Gene’s voice. She had expected to hear relief as well, but she wondered if he was trying to goad her into an argument so he could vent his anger somehow.
“Good,” she repeated. “Once we get back to the center, Toby will stay with us and you can pack your bags and leave.”
Silence. “But I need him…we’ve been working fine…you can’t just—”
“Yes, I can. It’s in the contract you signed. Until you graduate from the training program—and even after that, if I think Toby is in any danger with you—I can take him back.”
“But he’s not in danger.” Gene’s voice grew louder and Lenae heard the shock in his tone. “I’d never hurt him.”
“Maybe not directly, but you’re too angry to be kind to him. You both are doing the basics, but you’re not connecting. That’s not fair to Toby. He deserves to be a loved and cherished member of a team, not a tool for you to use.”
“What about what’s fair for me?”
Lenae wanted to reach across the table for his hand, to relieve some of the pain she heard in his voice. But she kept her distance. Life wasn’t fair, damn it. A nice guy like Gene shouldn’t have to deal with such a devastating loss, but his accident had happened. She shouldn’t have been tempted to fall in love only to have Cara leave, but the opportunity had arrived. “It wasn’t fair for you to lose your sight. You have every right to be sad or furious or whatever you need to feel. Your life has been changed forever, and not in a way you chose. But if your emotions are harming Toby by depriving him of the chance to really connect with someone who needs him and will love him, then I’ll take him back and give him to someone else. When you figure out how to keep loving even though you’re personally in pain, you can reapply for another dog and I’ll consider it.”
Lenae heard a quiet choking sound from Gene, but she got up and told Baxter to take her back to Pike Place. She’d brave the blisters and sore feet just for a chance to put distance between herself and the hurting man. He had Toby if he wanted comfort, just like she was turning to Baxter now that Cara was gone. She had to let Gene find his own way. Her platitudes didn’t do any good, nor did her avoidance of his emotional issues. He either had to take responsibility for his own anger, or he’d have to leave Toby behind.
She walked away from the coffee shop and thought about Cara and her advice about allowing people their emotions instead of telling them how to feel. Had she done the same thing with Cara? Assumed she’d want to leave without giving her a chance to discuss the new job? Howard had assumed she’d want the job and hadn’t acknowledged her reasons for possibly wanting to stay. Lenae had done the same thing. She hadn’t listened when Cara had hesitated about the job. She’d told her to take it, protecting herself from being left and being hurt instead of paying attention to what Cara might be feeling or wanting.
And now it was too late.
*
Lenae waited with Des at the bus stop for the students to return. Angela was first, with Corey close behind. Des was going through the small trinkets they had purchased from the assigned stores as proof they’d successfully visited each one, when Gene and Toby stopped next to Lenae.
“We’re not too late, are we?” Gene asked, sounding out of breath. He touched Lenae on the forearm and put a small bag in her hand. “We found everything on the list.”
Lenae felt the objects in the bag while her heart soared at his use of the word we. “Of course you’re not too late. Did you have any trouble finding the stores?”
“No, even though I put us behind schedule by sulking in the coffee shop. I told Toby we had to hurry to catch up, and he took off like a shot. Lenae, I know you have every right to take Toby away from me, but please give me another chance. I’ve been keeping him from getting too close, but I can change. I need him, and I think he needs me, too. Give me another chance?”
Lenae pulled out the dog toy from a local pet store, one of the objects on the scavenger hunt list, and put it in Gene’s hand. “Yes, you can have another chance. And Toby can have this for the bus ride home.”
“What’d you say to him?” Des asked as they rode back to Olympia. “He looks like a different man. And Toby is back to his happy self.”
“I took the advice of a friend,” Lenae said. “Instead of telling him everything would be okay, I told him it might not. I guess he needed the honest kick in the pants more than the platitudes.”
“Don’t we all,” Des said. Lenae couldn’t have agreed more.
Chapter Twenty-six
Cara opened the folding wall and clipped it in place, creating one large room. Her students were already setting up chairs and lowering the huge television screen, so she turned her attention to setting up the table of refreshments. She had originally planned to show the student film in one of the lecture halls, but she was glad she had chosen Evergreen’s Longhouse instead. Set back in the woods, the building was one of the most organic and detailed on the campus. The floors were ornate tiles with geometric prints, and cases filled with Native American artifacts lined the hallway. Artwork depicting marine life and animals decorated the walls. Although not representing any specific culture, the building and its decorations evoked a general feeling of tribe and place. An ideal venue for the film.
Cara had invited Lenae to the small screening, but she didn’t expect her to attend. Well, maybe she’d come and take Pickwick away from Cara since she was so sure he was about to be left behind. Cara kept him close by her side all evening, just in case. He followed her from task to task, pulling every once in a while as he tried to get attention from one of the kids. Cara mindlessly went about her business, answering questions and giving direction, but her thoughts were all centered on Lenae. Lenae had been hurt that Cara hadn’t told her about the job offer immediately, and Cara knew she’d messed up on that score.
Cara dumped a bag of chips into a serving bowl. She wasn’t certain if she’d discovered her own integrity and depth while listening to Lenae’s kind words about her, or if she’d started to develop and nurture them because of Lenae. Either way, she was a better person now. Or maybe the same person, but with the confidence of truly seeing herself. Ironic that the person who taught her to respect and value herself no longer seemed able to recognize her as worthy of being valued. Lenae had pegged her from the start as someone who’d do anything to get ahead—including using Pickwick and the center for exposure—but she thought she’d proved those assumptions false. Apparently not. Lenae still was quick to believe Cara would use her and dump her on the way to bigger and better opportunities.
“There’ll be nothing left but crumbs if you aren’t careful.” Tess had walked up behind Cara while she was setting out rows of cookies. Tess took the box from her and carefully stacked the rest of the treats. “Only girlfriend troubles can provoke that particular scowl. Problems with your lovely guide dog trainer? I’ll gladly take her off your hands if she’s giving you grief.”