Not Another Family Wedding

by Jackie Lau

  He grabbed a pen and did as asked. After all, she’d used the magic word.

  She drew a few red blobs, then shifted the paper toward him again. “Daddy’s work, Ottawa, and Montreal.”

  He didn’t point out that the house, daycare, and her father’s work were actually within Ottawa.

  “Uncle Connor.” She scrunched up her face. “Something’s wrong with you today.”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” he said. “I’m happy to see you, Ariana.”

  Which was true, but his mind kept wandering back to Natalie, hurrying down the sidewalk last night. Away from him. She would return to her condo and take the morning-after pill, and she would do it all alone. He knew she could handle whatever life threw at her, but he didn’t want her to be alone.

  He was still confused by the whole thing. It had been a jumble of emotions: first the condom had broken and she’d freaked out, then he’d realized that neither of them wanted children and there was nothing standing in the way of them being together. He’d been elated...and then she’d told him she didn’t want anything more with him, which he still didn’t believe. He’d known Natalie for a long time, and he could read her. It was more complicated than she let on, but she wouldn’t open up to him.

  Ariana pointed to a green blob. “This is England.” Next, she drew a red stick. “This is the North Pole, where Santa Claus lives. I wish Santa Claus came on my birthday, but he only comes at Christmas.”

  He tried to push thoughts of Natalie aside and focus on his niece’s drawing.

  Except he couldn’t stop thinking about her. They could look after Ariana together, and then they could go home and split a bottle of wine and stay up late watching a movie because they wouldn’t have children of their own.

  Ariana poked his arm. “Please label this for me. This is India, and this is France.”

  Interestingly, India and France were right next to each other.

  “And this is Germany.”

  Germany was on the opposite side of the page from France.

  She drew a large blue circle. “Here is the ocean, and here is Niagara Falls.”

  By the time Ariana got tired of her map fifteen minutes later, he’d labeled over twenty places for her, including New York City—which was separate from the United States—Vancouver, Toronto, and China, as well as the playground down the street. He wasn’t in a great mood, but he could still smile at his four-year-old niece’s view of the world.

  When Mallory returned, they were playing zookeeper. Connor was a camel. When Ariana saw her mother, she hurried over to her table and proudly held up her map. “Look what I made, Mommy! Uncle Connor labeled it for me, but soon I’ll be big enough to write the words myself.” Her mouth opened in a wide circle. “Oh no! I forgot to draw Canada.”

  A few minutes later, Connor walked to the door with Mallory.

  “How was your long weekend?” she asked. “Whatever you did, I bet it was more fun than trying to convince a four-year-old to put away her toys.”

  “I was at a wedding out of town,” he said, purposely vague.

  “Are you sure you’re still willing to babysit Ariana next weekend?”

  “I am.” The plan had been for Natalie to help him, but he didn’t know if she would show up. He wouldn’t force her to be there. “You can relax and enjoy your weekend at the spa. Try not to call me every hour to see if Ariana has destroyed my house.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  That night, he ordered Thai food and wished Natalie was there to share it with him. Then he watched Moneyball. By some miracle, he managed not to cry during a movie about sports statistics, though there were moments when it was almost painful to breathe because she wasn’t snuggled up against him.

  * * *

  Natalie did not have a great week. She went to work like usual, drank a lot of coffee, and finished reading her student’s thesis, but she felt hollow inside. Whatever she did, she imagined doing it with Connor instead, and that always sounded so much better.

  It’s not possible.

  She told herself that again and again.

  She texted Rebecca and asked if she could visit her that weekend. Rebecca said sure, she could come, and Mom would also be in Toronto, staying with Bernard. Natalie still couldn’t wrap her head around the idea of her mother being with someone other than her father. It seemed all wrong.

  Everything felt wrong these days. There was Connor and Rebecca and her parents...

  And Natalie was all by herself, which was normal for her, but it didn’t feel right anymore.

  She was on the train from Ottawa to Toronto now, a trip she’d made many times before. It was Friday afternoon, and she’d left the university earlier than usual. She had some journal articles to read, but she couldn’t concentrate.

  A few rows in front of her was a father with his two kids. It seemed like she saw kids every damn time she opened her eyes, and they always reminded her of her conversation with Connor.

  How annoying.

  She sighed and looked out the window. They were approaching Kingston, which, unfortunately, also reminded her of Connor.

  Dammit. They’d driven across the province together, and now everywhere made her think of him. It had been an awful idea to take him to Rebecca’s wedding.

  Except it had been so nice to have him there, and it was hard to regret what had happened between them when it had felt so wonderful.

  But for now, she needed to focus on what she would say to Rebecca. She needed to apologize and make things right again; she couldn’t bear to have a strained relationship with her sister. There were already so many problems in the world, and she didn’t need this on top of everything else.

  * * *

  When Natalie arrived at Rebecca and Elliot’s apartment, they all acted like nothing had happened. Until Elliot left for the evening to visit his mother, leaving Natalie alone with Rebecca.

  Her sister made some jasmine tea, and the two of them sat at the dining room table in silence, waiting for the tea to steep. Rebecca was no longer her cheery self.

  Natalie wasn’t good at these sorts of conversations, but she would do a lot of things she wouldn’t normally do if they were for Rebecca.

  “I wish your wedding had been...perfect,” she said hesitantly.

  Rebecca poured two cups of tea. “We don’t need to talk about the wedding. Yes, it wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but I’m married to Elliot, and that’s what matters the most. You think I’m a little young, and I won’t bring up Mom and Dad now, but Seth was even younger than me, and he and Simon are still married. But why do you have so many strong opinions on what I should do with my life? Why am I such a disappointment to you?”

  Natalie’s heart ached at those words. She hated that Rebecca saw it this way, but she understood. “You’re not a disappointment to me. I promise.”

  “You’re unhappy I quit my job.”

  “It just wasn’t what I’d expected.”

  “You want me to be a brilliant electrical engineer. A shining example in a field with few women. From the time I was young, you talked about all the things I could do because of my aptitude for math and science. You had big dreams for me.”

  Natalie twisted her hands together. “You were always mine, Rebecca. I know you don’t remember a time before we all doted on you, but when you were a baby, I think Mom had postpartum depression, and Dad wasn’t around much, for whatever reason. I’m sure they loved you; they just couldn’t show it. But I could. I spent lots of time looking after you. The stories and songs...I was the one who did all that.”

  “You were only eleven when I was born.”

  “I was young, but I did a lot. That was okay, because I’d always wanted a sister and loved you very much.” Natalie’s voice trembled. “Anyway, I guess...I felt a bit like a parent to you, with the sort of dreams and expectations for you that parents often have. When you were so amazing at math and science and computers, I couldn’t help but think of all the things you could do with your tale
nts.”

  “Except I hated those subjects in school.”

  “And I told you that’s because you were bored and they were taught poorly.”

  “Which was true,” Rebecca said, “but even in university, I wasn’t interested. I kept waiting for that to change, and it never did.”

  “You could have switched your major.”

  “To what? I didn’t know, and I didn’t want to disappoint everyone. Not just you, but everyone. Society. I was a woman in engineering, and I was good at it. I felt like I would be disappointing my gender if I gave it up. I told myself it would be different once I started working, but it wasn’t. Every day, I’d stare blankly at the wall in my office and think about hitting my head against it because I hated it all so much. When I said I was unhappy, I was understating it, and it felt like you wanted me to stay miserable.”

  “Of course not,” Natalie said hurriedly. “I want you to be happy more than anything.”

  “That’s not how you made me feel when we had brunch.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry about what I said. I was wrong.”

  She thought of all the times over the years that Rebecca had told her how much she hated her math homework, even though it was a breeze, or her electronics class, and Natalie had always reassured her that things would be different one day. She’d never considered the alternative—that Rebecca would never like those subjects. She’d assumed her little sister had to like them, since she had such an aptitude for them.

  “It was Elliot,” Rebecca said, “who made me see that I had options. I didn’t have to continue working in a field I hated. Since we want to have kids soon, I thought it would make sense to focus on that for a few years while I try to figure out everything else. I’m lucky he makes enough money that this is possible. But then you talked about him divorcing me. I’m not an idiot, Natalie. I know things don’t always work out, but I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t have faith that it would. Although after Aunt Louisa’s interruption, I admit my faith was a little shaken.”

  “I was always proud of Mom and Dad for being able to do what they did in the seventies. I knew things weren’t perfect, but I believed in them.”

  Rebecca squeezed Natalie’s hand. “I’m sorry I called you a miserable old spinster. I didn’t mean it, but sometimes, Nattie, I don’t know quite what to think of you. What do you want?”

  Natalie smiled at her sister’s old nickname for her and had a sip of tea, delaying her answer. “I have what I want.” Her voice wavered. She couldn’t help it.

  “You can be greedy and want more. Everyone is always making comments about you having kids and getting married, saying you’re running out of time, but do you want those things? You never talk about them, and I don’t know if it’s too painful for you to talk about because it hasn’t happened for you, or if you don’t want it at all. Either way, you shouldn’t have to put up with all those questions.”

  Natalie swallowed. “I don’t want kids. I realized that when I was young. Mom’s pregnancy with you was pretty rough, so that was part of it, and as much as I loved taking care of you, it also showed me that I didn’t want to raise a kid of my own. Plus, the planet is overpopulated and going to shit. But I don’t have a problem with you having kids, and I’d like to be an aunt. Part of the reason I freaked out on you, though, was because I was afraid your pregnancy would be like Mom’s. I was also afraid you’d have awful postpartum depression, and I couldn’t bear to think of it.”

  She must have looked like she was going to cry, because Rebecca reached across the table and patted Natalie’s hand. Natalie was reminded of all the times she’d had to comfort a crying Rebecca, and the reversal of roles was...odd.

  “I’ll be fine,” Rebecca said, “and if I need help, I’ll get it. But first I need to get pregnant. That could take a while.” She paused. “So, you don’t want kids—”

  “And that’s totally fine. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m not selfish for feeling that way.”

  “I’m not judging you. You’ll have more time to spend with my kids, and Seth and Simon’s. Seth said they’re going through the adoption process. I don’t know if he told you, but it’s not a secret.”

  “I knew they were going to, but I didn’t know they’d started.”

  Rebecca sipped her tea. “Do you want to get married?”

  Natalie shrugged. “It’s not going to happen.”

  “That’s not what I asked. Do you want to?”

  Natalie nodded, unable to say the word.

  “But you’re bitter and have sworn off love because you’ve been hurt? Or you don’t believe in love anymore?”

  “It’s stupid not to believe in love when there’s so much evidence to the contrary.”

  She loved her sister and the rest of her family—the non-bigoted people, anyway. She’d experienced romantic love before and knew she’d come to love Connor if she wasn’t careful.

  But she was careful. She’d ended it.

  Because she also knew that a year from now, Connor wouldn’t be able to say “I love you” to her anymore. Yes, she believed in love, but she still didn’t believe it could last for her. Though he’d made her hope, briefly, that it was possible.

  “What about Connor?” Rebecca asked. “Honestly, I was so happy when I saw you two together that morning at the bed and breakfast. Something did happen, didn’t it?”

  “Yes.” Natalie reached for the teapot and filled up their teacups.

  “Does he want kids?”

  “He doesn’t, but I just don’t think it’s going to work out. And that’s okay.”

  Rebecca hesitated. “You push people away sometimes, but when you were with him, you had a different dynamic. He was attentive, and you let yourself be taken care of for once, rather than the other way around. Did you push him away later?”

  “That’s between me and him,” Natalie said, tensing.

  God, she’d probably ruined their long friendship, too. No more hiking and cross-country skiing and drinking beer together. No more of his steady presence in her life.

  The thought filled her with sorrow.

  Rebecca reached for her hand again. “You’ll find someone. I promise.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. Optimistic.”

  “And I will find something other than electrical engineering. I always envied you for knowing what kind of career you wanted.”

  “I changed my mind a bunch of times.”

  “But it was always something related to environmental science.”

  “True.” Natalie looked down at their hands and a memory came to mind. “Remember all those times we played wedding together and I helped you marry Misty Gorilly and Fuzzy Wuzzy?”

  “Of course. You made origami flowers for my bouquet—they were so pretty. And a crown when I wanted to marry a prince so I could become a princess. Fuzzy Wuzzy sure made an unconventional prince.”

  Natalie smiled. She’d forgotten those details. “Again, I apologize for what I said and for making our family brunch so miserable.”

  Rebecca nodded. “We’re okay now. And you were right about Grandma and Uncle Dennis. I shouldn’t have invited them.”

  “To be fair, we did shield you from what they were like, so maybe you didn’t realize the extent of it. When Seth came out—I think you were ten—it was pretty awful.”

  “I might not have known then, but I figured it out later on. I just wanted so badly for us to be one big happy family and couldn’t accept that some things aren’t possible, no matter how much we want them.”

  Yes, Natalie knew that all too well.

  “You’re thinking about Connor, aren’t you?” Rebecca asked. “That’s different, and I think you should be optimistic about it.” She paused. “You deserve it, Natalie. You know that, don’t you?”

  But the word “yes” refused to leave Natalie’s lips.

  Chapter 20

  Saturday morning, Natalie plodded up the steps to Bernard’s small—but surely expensive—house in Forest Hill.
She’d never been here before; she hadn’t even known of the man’s existence until two weeks ago.

  Two weeks since Rebecca’s wedding. God, so much had changed in that time. Hard to believe it had only been two weeks.

  Her mother had asked if she wanted to meet Bernard, and Natalie had said she wasn’t ready for that yet. Maybe the next time she came to Toronto. So Bernard had gone out golfing this morning, and her mother answered the door and showed her inside the cozy house.

  Mom prepared the French press. She knew where everything was. How many times had she been here before?

  “I want to ask you a question,” Natalie said.

  Mom sat down at the kitchen table. “I’m sure you have lots of questions.”

  Natalie hesitated. “You made a comment about how Dad hadn’t wanted Rebecca. What did you mean?”

  Based on the way her mother’s eyebrows rose, Natalie guessed she was surprised by the question. But of all that had happened, these were the words that haunted Natalie the most.

  “I don’t want Rebecca to know,” Mom said, “but I’ll tell you. I think it’ll help you make sense of a number of things.” She paused. “We had always planned to have two kids. Just two. The third pregnancy was unplanned, and your father wanted me to have an abortion. I’d always assumed that’s what I’d do if I got pregnant again, but when I found out, I already loved her—I just knew she was going to be a girl—and I decided to keep her. I wouldn’t do otherwise. Your father was pissed. He complained about all the expenses, and he didn’t want to deal with diapers again. We fought throughout the entire pregnancy, which was probably part of the reason why I felt so ill.”

  It turned Natalie’s stomach to think of her mother having an abortion, even though she had nothing against abortion and didn’t regret her own. But the thought of her sister never existing...

  “And then she was born,” Mom said, “and when I looked at her, she didn’t feel like mine. She did when I found out I was pregnant and she was just a tiny cluster of cells, yet when she was a real, screaming baby, I didn’t care. Howard, who’d never wanted her anyway, didn’t feel any differently. I bawled my eyes out when we drove home from the hospital, feeling like I’d made an awful mistake. I hadn’t felt this way about you or Seth, and your dad hadn’t been like this with you two, either. He didn’t say anything in the car. It was all so...cold.” She wiped her eyes before pouring two cups of coffee, her hand shaking on the French press. “But you were thrilled with her, and I was glad that at least she had that much. You carried her around and introduced her to all your stuffed animals.”