Murder She Typed

by Sylvia Selfman

  “Of course.

  “Of course what? Going out or my treat?

  “Both,” I laughed. At which point Frank leaned down and kissed me. On the lips. In public.

  Danny who was about to get into his car let out one of those ear-splitting whistles. Apparently not satisfied with that, he called out, “Get a room, guys.”

  I didn’t want to encourage him so I didn’t respond. Which unfortunately didn’t stop him. “Looks like you two are hot stuff,” he persisted. “Your Merv know about this?”

  “Danny, my dear, it’s time you took care of your own love life.” I looked at him with just the amount of smug condescension, then started up my car.

  As soon as I arrived home from writing group I called Flo to tell her to come over the following afternoon so we could catch up on everything. Of course I didn’t say anything about Danny’s being there. But I did tell her that Frank had kissed me in front of everyone in the writing group.

  “So how do you rate him as a kisser?” she asked.

  “That’s such a ridiculously juvenile question,” I said. “Probably a seven, maybe a seven and a half, possibly eight––on a scale of one to ten.”

  There was silence on the other end of the line as Flo no doubt mulled over the situation and dealt with her jealousy. I was happy that, for better or worse, I’d made plans to have her meet Danny.

  “Tongues?” she finally piped up. “Were there tongues?”

  The next morning I emailed the picture to Dr. Jorgenson. I attached all the pictures of the men in the writing group as well as a picture I had of Merv and asked him to please let me know if any of the men looked familiar. Though he’d said he didn’t know anyone named Sondra Sockerman, I hoped that one of the faces in the photos might jog the good doctor’s memory. I followed it up with a phone call to his office just to make sure. “Tell him it’s extremely important that he get back to me. It might even save a life,” I added— without mentioning that it was my life he’d be saving.

  The receptionist’s reply was a bored, “I’ll pass the message on to Dr. Jorgenson.”

  All I could do now was wait for Dr. Jorgenson’s response. In the meantime I had to get on with my life. I would start by restocking my pantry. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d shopped for groceries or cleaned the house. The latter could wait.

  Chapter 39

  I was in the frozen food aisle studying the list of indecipherable ingredients on the package of frozen pancakes, wondering if they’d accidentally confused it with the recipe for the atomic bomb, when I heard someone call out my name––or something similar to my name.

  “Mitzy! I’ll be darned if it isn’t the lovely Mitzy Breene!”

  I spun around. “Foster? It’s Izzy, Izzy Greene.”

  “Right,” Foster said. “Long time no see.”

  “Long time no see you either,” I said.

  “So how’s it going?” he asked. “By the way, I’ve been meaning to call you.”

  “You were? About what?” I couldn’t imagine why Foster would want to call me.

  “Remember the night you and Merv and me were having dinner?”

  “You, Merv and I,” I corrected. I couldn’t wait to tell Flo that she wasn’t the only one who caught grammatical errors.

  “Right, that’s what I said. You, Merv and me were having dinner and we were joined by that Sondra babe. Remember her?”

  “I couldn’t forget her if I tried.”

  “I thought I might give her a call. You said she was in your writing group. Would you happen have her phone number? I seem to have misplaced it.”

  “Did you ask Merv? He probably has it.”

  “Nah, Merv and I’ve been out of touch. Those retired dames at my condo have been keeping me hopping. They sure know how to sap a man’s vital juices. No time for much of anything else. Though I’d make time for that Sondra babe.”

  It was a long shot but I wasn’t about to let the opportunity pass to find out if Merv had told the truth about having only a brother. “You and Merv were good friends in college, right?

  “Right on.”

  “Did you ever meet Merv’s family?”

  “I met his brother once. Never did meet his sister.”

  “His sister? Merv had a sister?”

  “Yeah, a younger sister. You’ve been dating Merv, shouldn’t you know that?”

  Which was exactly what I was wondering.

  “Say, how about going out on a double date again sometime?” he asked as he reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. “You’re a fun gal as I remember.” He handed me his card.

  “I’m really not that much fun,” I said, giving him what I hoped was a gracious smile.

  “Doesn’t matter. Give me a ring. Anyway I’ll let you go, I can see you’re busy.”

  “Yes, the cucumbers are waiting to see which one I’m going to choose for my nicoise salad. Nice seeing you again, Foster.”

  “Nice running into you too, Mitzi,” He said, then headed down the toilet paper aisle, undoubtedly for the extra soft––only the best for Foster.

  So Merv had a sister after all. That liar.

  I pulled out my cell and headed to the back of the store, away from the other shoppers, and dialed. “You never told me you had a sister,” I said, when Merv answered.

  “Why should I? What is this? The third degree?”

  “Why shouldn’t you have told me? We were going together all those months and you kept it a secret from me? Why?”

  “How about because she died.”

  “Died? When? How?” I didn’t know what to say. “You…you could have told me,” I stammered.

  “Too painful to talk about. Heart problem. Ten years ago.”

  “Merv?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, right,” he grumbled. “Anything else you want to say? Maybe that you’re sorry you got that monster cat?” It was a not too subtle shift of gears but I let it pass. “It’s not too late to make up for that,” he continued. “What do you say we get together tonight––at my place? Life is short, Izzy.”

  Yeah, I thought. Life is short and I didn’t want to make it any shorter. I was caught between a rock and a harder rock: I wanted to make up for my faux pas about his sister but I didn’t know if I should trust him. What if his sister wasn’t dead and she was Sondra Sockerman? Or what if she was dead and she was Sondra Sockerman? I decided to adhere to Flo’s dictum: Trust no one.

  “I’m afraid I can’t. Flo’s expecting me to play mah jong tonight,” I fibbed.

  “Since when did you start playing mah jong?”

  “Since everyone’s predicting the Chinese will soon be taking over––I figured I might as well be prepared.”

  “Then how about a movie tomorrow afternoon?” Merv persisted. “We’ll go for dinner afterwards, then back to my place.”

  I paused to contemplate going to a movie with him. And especially out to dinner. But I would not succumb to temptation. “Sorry,” I said, resisting the urge to ask which restaurant he had in mind. “I can’t. Maybe another time. Danny and Flo are coming over in the afternoon and we’ll be going to the FroYoToGo Shop.”

  I heard him grunt on the other end.

  “And, Merv, I’m truly sorry about your sister,” I added just in case he was telling the truth about her.

  ****************************************

  The doorbell rang. I glanced at the clock, Danny was right on time. I opened the door. “Flo should be here any minute,” I said.

  Ten minutes later Flo arrived. After introducing them to each other, we sat in the living room, chit chatting while I tried to decipher if the two of them were hitting it off. They certainly seemed to be enjoying arguing about the latest movies, which augured well, I thought, for a lively and healthy relationship. After all it’d be pretty boring if they both thought alike. Meanwhile it was getting late and I needed my yogurt fix, so I suggested that we head out.

&nbs
p; “I’ll drive,” Danny said, clicking his door locks.

  “And I’ll sit in back,” I offered quickly. That way Flo would be forced to sit up front with Danny and they could get better acquainted.

  “That’s okay,” Flo said, shoving me aside. “I’m sitting in the back.”

  “No, you sit in front,” I hissed but it was too late, Flo had already pushed aside the papers and magazines strewn about, and had scooched into the back seat before I could stop her.

  To make matters worse, I could hear her rustling through the papers while I struggled to make conversation. Flo barely participated except for occasionally mumbling a word or two, and only when I asked, “So what do you think, Flo?”

  Danny either didn’t notice or pretended it didn’t bother him.

  I finally gave up and sat glumly staring ahead. I vowed to give Flo a piece of my mind as soon as we were alone.

  Luckily the FroYoToGo Shoppe was nearby and we were soon sitting outside under a large umbrella, enjoying our giant cups of yogurt. If Danny and Flo were hitting it off, I saw no evidence of it. I could usually sniff out male-female attraction a mile away. Instead our three-way conversation centered around the weather, the latest TV shows, and our favorite yogurt flavors––two votes for chocolate, one for vanilla,

  Danny and I carried the brunt of the conversation though it seemed more like a question and answer session. I’d ask the questions hoping to start a conversation and Danny would give one word answers. Meanwhile Flo appeared to be so into her yogurt she ignored us both.

  On the drive back to my condo, Flo again took possession of the back seat.

  “What was that all about?” I asked her after Danny drove off. “You knew I wanted you to sit next to Danny in the car so you two could get acquainted.”

  “Of course I knew that,” she replied. “That’s why I didn’t do it. You tried to pull a fast one on me and I didn’t like it one bit. If you wanted to fix me up with Danny you should have asked me first instead of springing him on me.”

  “Did you feel any sparks?”

  “You mean an unwanted current that might cause damage to my worn out electrical equipment?”

  I got the picture. “So if Danny asks you out on a date, you’re going to refuse?”

  “I didn’t say that. But that’s between him and me.”

  I sighed. No good deed goes unpunished.

  “However I did find something very interesting in the back seat, so your devious plan wasn’t a complete waste of time.”

  “Like what?”

  Flo gave me an enigmatic smile and reached into her bag. She slowly pulled out a sheet of paper and dangled it in front of me. “Like the first page of the Down and Dead in Palm Springs by Izzy Greene.”

  I stared at it, dumbstruck.

  Chapter 40

  Danny. So Danny was Sondra’s brother?

  Looking at the evidence, it seemed like he had to be.

  How else would he have gotten my title page for my story, Down and Dead in Palm Springs. He had to be the one who broke into Dr. Linda’s house and stole what he thought was Sondra’s manuscript. But instead he wound up with blank pages and my cover sheet.

  If anyone had asked me the least likely candidate to be Sondra’s brother, it would have been Danny. Oh, he’d been clever all right. Covering up their relationship in our writing group by pretending to be enamored with her sexual charms. It must have irritated Sondra no end to sit across from her brother in the writing group and see him act the fool, all the while knowing that she was in his crosshairs.

  But had she come to the class because she knew he’d be there? Was she purposely taunting him by reading her bio in front of him? I had to give her credit for playing it so coolly. Of course she had her reasons for doing it––she was determined to stop him from inheriting the mother’s entire estate. But still, it had been a dangerous game.

  “I can’t believe it,” I said to Flo. “Danny was the guy on the trail who almost pushed me over the edge. Danny. Of all people.”

  The more I thought about it, the more Danny fit the description of the man in black. At least as far as I could tell. I was so nervous at the time that my only focus was whether or not I’d get down off the trail alive.

  “Do you think Danny knows you took the title page?” I asked.

  “Think about it this way. Everything he’s done so far has been pretty clever. It’s possible he left it there on purpose.”

  “Of course he did!” I exclaimed. “That’s so like him, playing some kind of crazy cat and mouse game with us. Like locking us in the shed that night. Flo, I hate to say it but if he asks you out on a date, you have to go and find out everything you can.

  Flo sighed loudly. “I knew being your friend could only lead to trouble,”

  Chapter 41

  So the bitch thinks she’s going to trap me. We’ll see about that. Reminds me of the neighbor’s dumb dog when I was a kid. I was only trying to help him. At least that’s what I told everyone. It wasn’t my fault that he accidentally fell in the swimming pool and drowned. Of course I didn’t tell anyone I held his head under water.

  It’s been fun, setting up this game of ‘hot and cold’ and watching her scurry from clue to clue, suspect to suspect. Though of course now I’ll add an extra touch to spice things up a bit. ‘Hot. Cold. And Dead.’ Or perhaps ‘Expired’ sounds more elegant.

  Chapter 42

  I awoke the next morning and reached over to the nightstand for my laptop. I hoped to find an email from Dr. Jorgenson—after all how long would it take him to glance over the pictures I’d sent and get back to me?

  Obviously the answer was ‘very long’ since he still hadn’t responded.

  I decided to make an appointment for a teeth whitening.

  I crawled out of bed, fired up the coffeemaker and hunted around for something to eat. I finally settled on two scrambled eggs, actually one whole egg and two whites, with half an english muffin that was hardened with age––I could relate. Then I waited until nine o’clock when Dr. Jorgenson’s office would reopen.

  At the stroke of nine I dialed the office. The receptionist informed me that the first available appointment was in two weeks.

  Two weeks? I could be dead by then. “But it’s an emergency,” I whined.

  “An x-ray emergency? I don’t think so,” she said sarcastically.

  “Okay then call me if there’s a cancellation. By the way would you happen to know if Dr. Jorgenson looked at the photos I emailed him?”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said and clicked off without giving me a chance to explain.

  There was nothing more I could do but wait out the two weeks until my appointment. Once Dr. Jorgenson confirmed that Danny was Sondra’s brother, it’d be over and that smart ass’s ass would be cooked once and for all.

  I couldn’t wait to see the expression on Officer Martinelli’s face when I presented him with the evidence of Danny’s guilt. Of course, I’d have to survive until then. And I’d have to get a new hairdo and a free makeover at the cosmetics counter at Macy’s. Then I’d buy a smashingly sexy outfit for the newspaper interviews. Which would be followed by a round of TV interviews. Followed by a book deal. And why not? My own lifetime movie!

  Eat your heart out, Flo.

  Which reminded me that Flo hadn’t said anything lately about the book she was supposedly writing. She probably realized that being an author wasn’t as easy as she thought and had already abandoned the project. Far be it for me to lord it over her. Especially now that I was about to get my own Lifetime docudrama.

  Checking through my emails, I spotted one from Dr. Linda. She was having an emergency planning meeting at her home that afternoon. To ensure that we’d show up, she promised light refreshments. As I was contemplating what exactly the light refreshments might consist of, Flo phoned to remind me about the big end of the season sale in the mall.

  “Perfect,” I said. “I need a new outfit for our
party. I’ll meet you at the mall after the meeting at Dr. Linda’s.

  I’d no sooner hung up when Frank called asking if he could pick me up for the meeting. He also asked if I’d heard back from the dentist. I told him I needed my car since I was meeting Flo at the mall. I added that I still hadn’t heard back from the dentist.

  I was the last one to arrive at Dr. Linda’s. “Here she is, Miss America,” Danny called out as I entered the room. It didn’t seem funny now that I knew he was probably Sondra’s brother/killer. I played along though and made an exaggerated curtsy. It was important that he not realize I suspected him.

  I spent much of my time surreptitiously checking my cell phone in the hope that Dr. Jorgenson had responded to my email.

  Which didn’t escape Danny’s eagle eye. “What’s with you?” Danny asked nudging me in the side. “You’re acting like some teenager, checking your cell phone non-stop. You expecting to hear from someone important?”

  “My dentist.” Sometimes the truth is better than a lie and in this case it appeared to satisfy Danny’s curiosity.

  True to her word, Dr. Linda had a lovely spread of cold sodas and coffee along with an assortment of cookies and small individual cheesecakes. She waited patiently while we piled up our plates with goodies and took our seats. She announced that she’d received so many responses to the invitations to our book launch—we applauded enthusiastically—that she called this emergency meeting to make sure we were prepared for the event.

  After we practiced reading aloud from our stories and discussed what desserts we’d each bring, she announced she was satisfied that everyone was ‘on board’ for the big book launch and sent us off with her blessing. “I want all of you to know that I’m very proud of you and wish you good luck with your writing. May there be many more book launches to come. And of course we should give a special thanks to Frank who’s offered his home for the occasion.”