Learning to Live

by R Cole

  Jazz walks over and gives me one more hug before she leaves me to my own thoughts. As I lie in bed I think of where my life has led me and what my plans are for tomorrow. First thing on the list is to go for a run and check out the gym. Next, find a job, even though I don’t have any experience other than waitressing and bartending. I’ll find something to do. I have to because starving is not an option and I still need to come up with the money for Brian’s headstone.

  That last thought has me pulling out Brian’s album, and the same feeling of sadness overcomes me while my chest tightens. I finger his tiny footprints and feel the wetness trail down my cheeks. My arms feel so empty these moments that I grab the blanket he was wrapped in when he took his last breath, and I hug it to my chest. I just need to make contact with something that smells like him.

  I rock back and forth while sitting on my bed. My throat closes and my eyes burn as the grief takes over once again. My silent cries shake my whole body which causes my bed to vibrate. The tightness in my chest makes my breathing difficult, and my heart feels as though it’s breaking in two. How many times can a heart break? I wonder and start to feel anger set in as the tears fall. Why? Why did you need him? I want to scream so badly, but my throat is clogged with silent tears. Why couldn’t you take us both so I wouldn’t have to live in this hell of despair? Why do you want me to remain alone? Why do you take everyone that can love ME and that I love in return away?

  I ask whoever is listening this all the time, but no answer has been given. I don’t understand and hope one day I will, but I have my doubts. The what ifs haunt me every day and have me hating my decisions that have lead me here. What if I left Brad before this happened? What if I made that call at a different time? I drift to sleep crying and holding myself while picturing my brown eyed baby boy in my arms.

  After my run around campus the next day, I go with Jazz to grab our books since she has a car—BMW convertible I might add—and I know I’ll have a crap load to tote back to the dorm. Besides that, I really like her bubbly personality and her stories about her family. I won’t admit it out loud, but I love the stories of Jaxon the most. They seem to have an awesome relationship, and it’s nice to imagine how a real family interacts with one another.

  After we get back to the dorm and unload the ton of bricks we have to carry to and from class every day, I go and grab my stuff to get ready for job hunting. I bought a pair of black slacks and light green, sleeveless button up shirt that is dressy and professional looking at a yard sale for $10. The lady even threw in a pair of black one inch, pointy-toed pumps for free. They’re a little big, but beggars can’t be choosers.

  “Do you want me to drive you around to look for a job? Afterward we can grab lunch and go over our schedules for the week,” Jazz asks while sitting at my desk filing her nails.

  I think about it for a minute and remember that I haven’t eaten since the pop tart this morning. My stomach growls loudly before I can say yes, and I want to die of embarrassment. “As you obviously heard, I’m starving, so let’s grab some food while I look in the paper for a job. I don’t want my future boss to hear my stomach talking over me.” I laugh it off and she joins in.

  “Goody! I’ll let you get ready and meet you out front when you’re done. I need to call my mom because if I don’t she’ll come down just to make sure I’m alive. And the reception seems to suck up here.” She leaves with a skip in her step that I’m learning is just her natural swagger.

  After I’m dressed, I put my hair in a low messy bun with my bangs twisted to the side and a small black flower pinned above my right ear. Some curls frame my face, and I glance in the mirror one last time. I’m pleased with the turn out, so I slip on my shoes and go outside. I see Jazz as soon as I exit the dorm, and she’s talking to Jaxon.

  “Hey, are you ready?” I ask Jazz then turn to Jaxon while trying to act as though the flutters aren’t in my stomach. “Hey, Jax.” I give an awkward wave and instantly feel stupid. I know my nerves are showing.

  “Hey, Trudy. Where you headed all dressed up?” he asks while eyeing me up and down and rubbing his neck. I see he’s wearing basketball shorts and a sleeveless shirt that’s covered in sweat. I should think guy sweat is disgusting, but on him it’s sexy.

  “Well, we’re headed to find this hottie right here a place she can work her money maker,” Jazz says and winks at me. I could die of embarrassment and guilt because I have literally worked my money maker once before.

  “Jazz!” I give her the stink eye then turn back to Jaxon. “Sorry, but what your sweet sister meant to say...” I eye Jazz again “...is that I’m going out job hunting.”

  “Oh yeah? Where are you going to apply?” He seems genuinely interested in the topic.

  “I don’t really know yet. We’re stopping to get a paper and then heading to grab some lunch while I go over the want ads.” I don’t want to seem rude and debate if I should invite him along. Before I can ask, however, David runs our way, just as sweaty as Jaxon, stating they better get going if they want to make it to practice. I’m not sure what they are going to practice, but I’m sure it’s some type of sport.

  I watch them both jump in a shiny red Jeep with its top down, but before they pull away, Jax looks at me and smiles. They wave bye to both Jazz and me, and I feel myself blush and that stupid flutter again.

  After we’re done with baseball practice for the evening, we head to the house to clean up so we can go downtown tonight. I want to see if Jazz and Trudy want to go, but I know they can’t get into most places due to their age.

  Since Jazz is almost nineteen, I guess Trudy is around the same age since they’re both freshman. I really need to talk with Mason about getting them both fake IDs. People might think it’s lame to want to hang out with their little sister, but I have an ulterior motive whose last name is Love. Besides that, Jazz is cool to hang with, and it allows me to watch out for her.

  I run into Mason immediately when we walk through the door and ask him about the IDs. He’s our friend and is pretty much a genius and computer whiz. He acts like your average twenty-year-old until you bring up anything technical. Then he turns into a kid at Christmas time. He’s shorter than David and me by a few inches and is clean cut. We tease him all the time about it because he can’t grow facial hair. Of course he just laughs while giving us the finger and continues what he was doing.

  “Sure, Jax, I can take care of it. I just need an up to date photo of both of them. I should have them done by next Friday.” He turns off his PlayStation and follows me into the kitchen where David is sitting at the bar, eating. I go ahead and pull out my wallet and dig for a picture of Jazz that was taken over the summer.

  “Here, man...” I hand over the picture “...that’s one of them, but I’ll have to get Tru’s another way.” He doesn’t answer me but continues to stare at the photo with a dreamy look in his eyes. I’m not worried because Mason is no match for Jazz. She intimidates bigger guys and ones that have way more experience than him without even trying. She has a loud and big personality wrapped up in her small body. Mason is so shy when it comes to the opposite sex it’s funny.

  I guess he hears David laughing because he looks up guiltily at me and swallows hard. “Sorry, Jax, but I wasn’t expecting you to have such a hot sister.” His eyes get wide and he gets a scared look on his face. I give him a dirty look, hoping my smile doesn’t show. “I…I mean you two don’t look anything alike. Shit!” He takes a deep breath. “I’m not saying you’re not good looking for a guy, but she’s just…just...WOW!” I burst out laughing and he visibly relaxes.

  “Aww, Jax! Did you hear that? Mason called you good looking.” David’s still laughing and decides to put Mason in a headlock under his sweaty underarms, which earns him an elbow in his gut.

  After I catch my breath, I tell Mason how Jazz is adopted, along with Drew, McKenzie, and Cohen. Afterward we make plans to go to Jay Jay’s. It’s an older bar/club that has local bands playing on Saturday nights, and if
they aren’t playing on stage, a DJ takes over the music. They also serve decent drinks at a good price. That’s always a plus for us college students.

  I know I have a trust fund, but I don’t like using it unless I absolutely have to. I work at a plant nursery during the summer with David until baseball practice starts back up, and we save what we can. I don’t want to take for granted the hard work my parents do for me so I can have nice things, and I think that’s one reason why Ashton and I butt heads. Where she wants the best of the best, I just want what I actually need. Yeah, I have a nice ride, but I bought it used. With the help of my dad and brother, Drew, we were able to fix it up before I came to school my freshman year. I throw on some faded blue jeans and a navy blue button down with the sleeves rolled up. After I’m done getting ready, I decide to text Jazz and see what she and Trudy are doing tonight.

  Her reply is instant. Tru got a job & they wanted her to start ASAP cuz they were short handed. Me? Nothin. Y?

  I frown when I see Trudy is busy. Few of the guys & I R going d/t and wanted 2 invite Tru & u.

  Aww that’s sweet. 2 bad Ur real reason 4 the invite has 2 work.

  I can practically see Jazz’s smirk as she sends her text. Am I that obvious? I text her back.

  Yes Romeo, but 2 get this Juliet u need 2 go slow and not kiss other grlz. What was u thinking, fool? Lol!

  Other girls? What’s she talking about? Then it hits me in the gut—Ashton coming up and throwing herself at me in front of Tru last night. SHIT!

  My fingers fumble over the keys, trying to explain myself. Ashton tried molesting me in front of Tru last night. I pushed her off, but Tru was already gone.

  Ugh! I don’t like that grl. Now Tru thinks you have a G/F.

  I tell Jazz I need to go because the guys are waiting downstairs and that I love her. Truthfully I need to think. I still have to find a way to approach the subject of Ashton with Tru, but I don’t know how just yet. Then a thought hits me out of nowhere and causes relief to wash over my frazzled nerves. If she is jealous, then that means she likes me. I put on my black Chucks, grab my wallet, and walk out the bedroom door with a smile on my face.

  However the smile falls when I see Craig sitting in the kitchen with Mason and David. “Y’all ready to head out?” I ignore Craig and grab my keys. After last night I can’t promise I won’t lay into him.

  David has his trademark smirk on his face, leaning back in his chair with his arms behind his head like he has absolutely nothing to worry about in life. “Sure, but Craig wants to talk to you, and I’m really interested in seeing your reaction because I think Hell just fucking froze over.”

  Mason just nods his head and smiles as well. Finally acknowledging the asshole, I turn my attention toward Craig. I don’t waste my air on saying anything because I said it all last night, so I wait for him to start.

  He stands up and stuffs his hands in his pockets while looking at his feet nervously. This is new because he’s usually too cocky for his own good. “Um… I acted like a complete idiot yesterday and last night. I’m sorry.” He continues to stare at his shoes, and it proves what a coward he is.

  “Hey, dipshit! Look at me, not your goddamn shoes. Besides I’m not the one you should apologize to. Try Jen form last night and Trudy. And I’m sure there are countless others.” I wait for him to say something else but he remains standing there, and I see anger flash in his eyes, but he doesn’t act on it. He’s up to something because I see absolutely no sincerity in his face and hear none in his words. “Anything else?” He shakes his head with a silent no. I walk out the door ready for a beer.

  “Are you still going to talk to the board?” Craig yells from the door and the whole apology make sense now. His dad will take everything away if he’s removed from the fraternity. He’s still the selfish dick he was last night and wants to cover his own ass. I don’t answer him. Let the fucker sweat over it. Cranking up Chevelle’s The Red I do a burnout, trying to get rid of some of my anger and head downtown.

  I didn’t expect to find a job so soon, but I’m glad even though it’s waitressing and tending bar. When Jazz and I were out looking for a place to eat after we picked up a paper, she mentioned a place downtown that has awesome food. The word food had my stomach growling again, and since I was new to the area, I told her it sounded good to me.

  We pull into an area downtown, and she parks her car in front of an old, red brick building with a black door. It’s decorated with people’s names written all over it, along with some messages about who loves who and so forth. I look above the door and see an older sign that reads “Jay Jay’s.” There aren’t many windows and the couple I do see are tinted with neon beer signs all over them.

  When I turn toward Jazz to ask if she’s planning to start the party early, she isn’t there. I look at the door again and see her walk through like she owns the place. Following behind her, I reach the dining area, and I start salivating from the smell alone. Man, I must be starving because I need to wipe my lip to check for drool when I take my seat across from her.

  Menus are already placed on all the wooden tables and the place is slowly filling up. I see more signatures and messages written on the walls and even some of the tables. There are license plates from all over and pictures of people from over the years framed on the wall.

  I notice a long bar that’s seen better days along the back wall and a stage to the right. Beside the stage I see a hallway that I’m sure holds the restrooms. On the stage sits a black piano reflecting the lights from the room and a stool sitting in front of a microphone by an acoustic guitar. I can definitely picture people hanging out and drinking here. It has a certain appeal that’s interesting.

  Turning my attention to the menu, I thank the stars that it’s not too expensive and won’t ruin my budget. I choose the cheapest thing I can find and take out the newspaper and a pink highlighter so I can start my job hunt.

  While I’m browsing the want ads, the waitress walks up. “Hey, ladies. My name’s Blaire and I’ll be your server today. What can I get you two to drink?” I glance up when I hear her soft voice and notice how pretty she is with her pale skin and long red hair that’s pulled into a neat pony tail. I notice her eyes are hazel and they seem to take everything in as she waits for our reply.“I’ll have water with lemon please,” I tell her and glance at Jazz while she orders the same. After she walks off, Jazz clears her throat and asks me what I’m getting. “I think I’ll get a side salad and bowl of gumbo.” Just thinking of the gumbo reminds me of Ms. Freeman. I only had it once while I lived with her and I loved it.

  “Well, I want one of those big cheeseburgers and a side order of Mr. Mysterious and Sexy behind the bar.” I look over to where she’s practically eye humping someone and see a really cute guy with black glasses tending the bar. He doesn’t seem to be Jazz’s type to me, with his messy blond hair that only comes to the top of his ears and ear gauges. He’s lean and tall but I don’t think he’s quite as tall as Jax. Then again, Jazz is so short he probably seems like a giant to her. He’s wearing the signature black T-shirt with the Jay Jay’s logo on the front and the word “staff” on the back with a long sleeve shirt underneath. I think I see a tattoo on his neck that disappears under his collar, but he’s too far away to be sure.

  “Are you two ready to order yet?” I almost jump out of my seat when I hear the waitress come back with our drinks. She seems to be in a rush, so we quickly give our orders, minus the dude behind the bar. “Do you think they’re together because she seemed kind of rude?” I ask, and Jazz just shrugs her shoulders while she continues to stare across the room.

  I turn my attention back to the paper and after a few minutes feel like I want to scream. Everything seems to state “experience required,” but how you can get stinking experience if nobody will give you a chance? I huff out a sigh and slouch in my seat, feeling defeated.

  “Don’t worry, girl, you’ll definitely find something. It might not be today, but next week instead. Keep your he
ad up.” Jazz encourages me while she pats my hand. I don’t have much money left, so I can’t wait too long for a job to pop up, but I don’t say that and just smile and continue to look down until our food arrives.

  After we’ve finished our meal, Jazz and I talk about her family again. You can see the love in her eyes as she discusses her parents and siblings. She tells me how she and her younger siblings were all adopted. For some reason after Jax was born her parents couldn’t conceive any more children.

  I go on to tell her about some parts of my life in foster care, but I don’t want to bring down the mood, so I stick to stories of Ms. Freeman and how she always supported me in dance. She seems really interested in my dancing and asks me lots of questions. I’m glad she sticks with that subject rather than the other.

  We’re waiting on the bill when there’s a loud crash behind me. I turn and see Blaire arguing with cute bar guy while she picks a fallen pitcher of beer up off the floor. “I can’t keep up with every single table by myself, Benji. Janet won’t be back until later tonight, and I need some help on the floor.” Frustration laces her voice, and she sounds almost in tears.

  “I’m the only one here who can manage the bar or I’d help. You know I would, but I don’t know what you what me to do. I can’t help it if we’re shorthanded.” He starts to fix a fresh pitcher when I make a quick decision.

  I get up from my seat, knowing I could make a complete fool of myself, and walk over to them with Jazz trailing behind me. “Excuse me,” I say nervously while approaching them. “I can actually help. You see, I used to bartend and waitress in Atlanta. I’m actually looking for a job because I just moved here for school. Maybe I could do the bar since I don’t know the menu and you...” I point to Benji “...can help Blaire on the floor.” I let my breath rush out of my lungs, relieved that breaking out of my comfort zone is now over. There! I approached them and made my point. The ball’s in their court. I really hope they take a chance on me because I really need this job.