Twist Into Me

by Devon Ashley

  That kind of caught me off guard, so much I just stared at her. “Yeah, you’d think so. I guess Nana didn’t know about it then. My mom was always trying to get money out of her, so I could see her keeping that to herself. Made us look even poorer than we were.”

  The alcoholic at the far end called her over. Rory offered me an apologetic look before heading over to refill his beer. I closed my eyes and tried to calm the madness within me, trying to reassure myself that there was nothing I could ever do to make my mom a better person, so I’d best try to let it go. It wasn’t like her behavior today was unexpected. Just disappointing. After a minute I was beginning to feel more tired than angry, so that was better than nothing. When I reopened my eyes, Rory was standing there silently, watching over me.

  “You’re looking a little better.”

  “Sorry about that,” I replied, rubbing my forehead in an attempt to ease away the stress.

  Rory shrugged. “I’m used to it. But why does your mom have you all pissed off? Seems like that shit you said was all in the past.”

  “She’s in town, pretending that she misses me, but what she really misses is the money I bring in.”

  “Ouch,” she replied.

  “And she’s a drunk twenty-four-seven, so it’s impossible to get through to her.”

  “Well, now it’s starting to make sense.” She grabbed a bottle of house rum and poured some into my soda.

  “Thought you weren’t going to give me any,” I teased, moving quickly to suck some of it down before she could take it away.

  “Yeah, well… Right now I’m thinking one can’t hurt. I’m also thinking that if your mom’s alcohol problem pisses you off, you’ll cut yourself off long before you become her.” She leaned down to my level to meet my eyes. “And if for some reason you don’t, I still will.”

  I took Rory’s words to heart and cut myself off after the one drink. I’d never been one to drink outside social gatherings, and never had I ever had enough to drink I considered myself out of control. But I sure as hell didn’t want to start now. And as I sat there at the bar sipping on that rum and coke, I began to wonder if my mom started out this way. A few drinks here with her friends; a drink here when she had a fight with Nana. Twenty-five years ago that could’ve been mom sitting at the bar, trying to release her frustration with a stiff one. I didn’t know how it all began for her, but it had to start somewhere. Every alcoholic out there could probably tell you it usually started off small and snowballed from there. And I was not going to become her. I wasn’t going to let alcohol rule or ruin my life.

  I thanked Rory and said goodbye, then grabbed my things before heading back to the shop. Nana hadn’t buzzed me yet, but she was probably wondering what was taking me so long.

  Way down the sidewalk, I spotted a figure exiting the flower shop, and even from here, I could recognize the pale blonde hair, gangly thin frame and slightly unstable walk. I quickened my pace, the anger slowly rising within me again. How dare she come back! I wanted nothing more than to chase her down and have it out with her again right here on this street, but at the same time, I was so tired of dealing with her I just preferred to let her keep walking – hopefully right out of town.

  Mildly furious, the wind chime banged louder than it probably ever had when I stormed inside. I didn’t even have to yell for Nana, because she was already coming out from the back room. And by the severely annoyed expression on her face, she might’ve thought I was Mom returning for another round.

  “She came back here? I told her to leave town!”

  All in a huff, she met me in the middle of the store. I once again abandoned my bags to the floor. “Wishful thinking. This is your mother we’re talking about. More stubborn than a mule on booze.”

  “What did she want? You didn’t give her any money, did you?”

  Nana gave me a glare I hoped to never be the recipient of ever again. “Tessie, I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t last night. Besides, Missy’s no longer begging for loose change. She’s upgraded her desperation to blackmail.”

  My foot rocked backward a step from shock. “Blackmail? What does she think she has that we’d be dumb enough to pay for?”

  Nana suddenly looked her age, withered and tired. She leaned against the nearest display table. “Your father,” she replied.

  I silently gasped. My father? I got as quiet as she did, but I had very little faith my mom was being honest for once. “You don’t really think she knows that, do you?”

  “I wouldn’t hold out hope on that. She’s always remained steadfast that she didn’t know who your father was. Too drunk to remember apparently. And I think if she had known she would’ve gone straight for court-ordered child support, so I have serious doubts there’s any truth behind this latest charade.”

  My dad… I couldn’t count the number of times I’d thought about him through the years, the nights spent wishing he’d fly in and take me far, far away from that life.

  But he never did.

  Did he have blonde hair like mine? Or eyes as blue as sapphires? Maybe the same tiny birthmark on the back of my shoulder? Was he once a resident of Campbellsville? Maybe still here after all these years? Had I already passed him on the street and not even known it?

  Sadly, I’d never know the answer to any of my questions. All because my mom was a lush even before I was born. It was a wonder I wasn’t more screwed up. Both physically and mentally.

  “You okay, honey?”

  “Yeah,” I lied, as best I could, forcing a weak smile. “I’ve gone this long without knowing him, I can go longer. I just wish she wouldn’t tease me. It’s kind of cruel to offer me something she can’t follow through on.”

  But that was an alcoholic for you. Everything was about them. Every move constructed to do what they had to to get that next drink.

  Nana mumbled her agreement, disappointed over my mom’s actions as well. I followed her back to the workroom where she sat to continue working on an assorted arrangement. She seemed heavy on the barstool, her back slightly slouched and her face tired. She’d been looking like this a lot lately, and I couldn’t help but feel a little responsible.

  “I’m sorry, Nana.”

  She paused to look at me. “Whatever for?”

  I shrugged, knowing there was so much I could probably apologize for. “For this. For Mom. She wouldn’t be here right now if I had just stayed in contact with her. Pretended I didn’t learn she lied about you. I could’ve told her I was busy. That I was somewhere else. Given her some money to live off of. Then she wouldn’t have come looking for me.”

  Nana twirled the stem of a fern between her fingertips. “Tessie, we’ve gone over this before. None of this is your fault. Missy made her choices and the two of us telling her any differently has only gotten her to dig in her heels even more. But I tell you what,” she added, pointing her finger at me, “neither one of us are going to give her a cent moving forward. It’s time for Missy to find her own way.”

  Nana stuffed the fern into the back of the vase and tried to put on a smile for me. “Doesn’t school begin soon?” With a pained tone, she cautiously asked, “You haven’t told her where you’re going, have you?”

  I shook my head, saddened that a part of me always knew I was better off not telling her, better off slowly unraveling the ties that bound us. You expected to do that to the people you met in life who weren’t worth holding on to, but never a family member. They were supposed to be there for you through and through, which made me question my own conviction – because here I was ready to throw her into the trash with the rest of the garbage.

  “About that… I’m not sure I’m ready to go back to school yet. I’m thinking I might defer a semester.”

  I thought maybe Nana would argue with me, tell me the best way for me to move on would be to return to my normal routine and bury myself in my studies again. But she didn’t. All she did was make a little hmm noise in her throat.

  “Have you decided on a ma
jor yet?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe business. Maybe teaching.”

  “Sounds like two programs we probably have here at Campbellsville University,” she remarked suggestively. “You know, if you’re not ready to leave, why don’t you consider staying and applying here?”

  “You saying you wouldn’t mind me hanging around a few more years?”

  Squeezing my forearm, Nana replied, “Tessie, I would love you to stay. Call me selfish if you will, but I’ve missed you all these years. Having you home has been wonderful.”

  I felt my lips squish into a smile, all the while trying not to let loose the tears stinging the backside of my eyes.

  “If you feel it’s right for you,” she added. “Your education is important.”

  Truth was, I had been considering sticking around. I wanted to finish school, but I had this aching feeling churning inside, guilting me over leaving Nana to fend for herself. I knew she was a strong old biddy, well capable of taking care of herself, but a part of me felt protective of her. For years I mourned her loss, and now that I had her back, I just didn’t want to let her out of my sight again. Three thousand miles between us seemed so excessive, so unnecessary. What if she needed me? I could never be the one she relied on in an instant if I went back to California.

  I could go to school here. I was sure CU’s programs were just as good as Humboldt’s. There was no reason I had to go to Humboldt. Nothing drawing me to it. It was simply a school I chose because it was nearby at the time. Something I chose because it was nowhere near my mom, and hopefully not near a place she’d ever want to live. She needed big cities like L.A. and San Diego to hide in. So many lost individuals she could easily go under the radar forever. That was something Campbellsville couldn’t offer. She grew up here; too many people could recognize her, judge her. It was probably why she left in the first place.

  Which made CU so appealing. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of it before. Even if there had been truth behind the lie and Nana had passed on, my mom still wouldn’t want to live here. Too many memories, too much guilt.

  “It’s probably too late to apply for this semester, but I could try to get in for the spring,” I said optimistically.

  With a growing smile, she answered, “I’m sure you could, sweetie. And Sarah goes, doesn’t she? She could take you over and show you around.”

  Sarah did go there. And Brady, I thought. Who was so close to finishing. My heart pinched just a little. Was it ever going to stop hurting?

  Sarah was excited that I was going to hang around a little bit longer, but she was downright spastic about me looking into the local college. She knew getting me enrolled meant keeping me here for years, so she demanded to give me the tour the very next day. And of course it included going into admissions to get an information packet.

  When I got back to the shop right before closing, Nana was helping two customers in the front place orders. I went to the back and pulled the receipt tickets off the printer and began organizing them by delivery date. All were flowers we kept in stock, so I sorted them by date, keeping the ones for tomorrow. In the cooler, I pulled the necessary flowers and segregated them into separate bins so they’d be easy to pull.

  Nana joined me, taking half of the remaining tickets to continue pulling and sorting.

  “Did you close?” I asked.

  “I did,” she answered, counting out a dozen pink roses. “So how’d it go at the campus? See anything you like?”

  “Yeah. I think I did. Turns out they have two business programs. I’d just need to decide if I want a degree more focused on administration or technology.”

  “Which would you prefer?”

  “Not sure,” I admitted. “Guess it depends on what kind of job I got afterwards. Administration might be good if I find a small business, but technology might be better if I find something more corporate. Guess I’ll have to dig deeper to see what their differences are and figure it out.”

  “You could double major,” Nana offered.

  “That too.”

  We each grabbed the contents of one bin and headed out, selecting our respected vases, and settled down on opposite sides of the island to clean up our stems and flowers before building our arrangements.

  “So how are you liking Campbellsville?”

  I thought it was an odd question, given I’d been here for more than two months now. The town was cute, charming. People seemed friendly. It had everything I needed and what it didn’t was close enough in driving distance. The only downside was dealing with sporadic, sometimes depressing, memories when coming across places Brady and I went to. Other than that, it wasn’t half bad. “I like it. I can see why you chose to make it your home.”

  “This town is full of good people. And loyal, especially to the small businesses that have been around for some time.”

  I nodded my agreement, focusing on the squat vase before me that I was filling with eucalyptus and fall-colored hydrangeas.

  “And what do you think of the flower shop?”

  “Nana, I adore your shop. The smell reminds me of all the good times my childhood had.” The only good times… “And I don’t think you could’ve found a cuter place than Main Street to set up shop. Why are you asking, anyway?” Because this line of questioning was getting downright weird.

  “I thought that maybe you’d like to take over my shop one day.”

  I stalled my current work of art and looked over. Take over? Was she serious?

  “I’m not going to live forever, Tessie.”

  “Yeah, I know.” I smiled softly. “But you’re going to be here for a long time to come.”

  “I know. But this is still something we should talk about. I suppose I could sell the business sometime down the line, but if you think Campbellsville is a good place to be, and the friends here are the kind you’d like to keep, and the business is something you’d like to run, then I see no reason not to offer it to you.”

  “Well, maybe. But you should let me buy it from you if I do.”

  Nana swung her hand through the air and pished me. “Don’t be silly.”

  “Nana…” I cut in, dragging her name out long and loud. I couldn’t believe I was actually pointing my finger at her.

  “Don’t even, young lady,” she stated firmly back. “I plan on working here until the day I die, and I can’t use the money once I’m gone, so there’s no point in taking it from you.”

  “Fine. But only if you’re literally working here until you’re a hundred and three!”

  “A hundred and three?!” she exclaimed.

  “You’re not allowed to retire a day sooner,” I ordered.

  Between laughs, she replied, “I’ll try baby girl, I’ll try. Until then, I want you to consider being a co-owner.”

  “Co-owner?” I repeated with surprise.

  “It’s just a formality, honey. Nothing but some paperwork to sign. Our lives will go on just as they are. But this also means I can show you more of the business. Supply orders, mortgage, taxes. All the fun stuff.”

  She just laughed at me when I replied a bit sourly, “That sounds super fun, Nana.”

  I gave my arrangement a good once over before taking it back to the cooler. I collected my scraps and placed them in a nearby bucket. Nana loved to go through them and use them on seasonal wreaths that she’d set and dry before selling. Even the flowers with imperfections could be used for those, since everything would eventually brown and darken in color anyway. Like Nana said, one could always make something out of nothing if they just used a little creativity.

  “So how are you and Owen doing these days?” she asked.

  Fighting hard to hide the sadness the thought of Brady gave me, I replied, “Doesn’t hurt as much as it used to. And Brady doesn’t occupy my thoughts all the time anymore. So I suppose we’re doing fine. Functional at the very least.”

  Nana had bobbed her head in agreement the whole way through. “I’m so glad you two are friends again.”

/>   “It does seem to come easy for us,” I admitted.

  “Did I ever tell you that since you last left, he asked me every year if you were going to come stay for the summer? Every. Year. Even once you both graduated, he continued to ask about you. I think he missed you.”

  I sort of smiled at that. “I missed him too. Or at least the idea of him. Sarah and I were pretty good friends, but that last summer, Owen became what was probably the only best friend I’ve ever had. I never found that again. Even with my roommate Francie. She’s a good friend, but I’d never tell her half the things I’ve shared with Owen.”

  “Good,” Nana expressed happily.

  “Good?” I teased.

  “Yes, good.” Rising with her finished arrangement in tow, she winked at me. “It gives you one more reason to make Campbellsville your home.”

  I had a hard time falling to sleep. You wouldn’t think being offered something so generous would be all that difficult to process, but for me, Nana willing to gift me a part of her company was a huge deal. And completely unexpected. The only thing was that it was a huge commitment, like setting my future in stone. I really liked working at the flower shop, but did I really want to do this the rest of my life? Yesterday I was simply trying to decide on a school and a major. Now it seemed a future had been mapped out for me. But I felt so lost and spun around I wasn’t even sure which way was north.

  Did I want to stay in Campbellsville?

  Did I want to make floral arrangements the rest of my life?

  Before when I was ready to stay, I was only committing myself through the end of college. What Nana proposed would have me staying for so much longer, perhaps my entire life.

  Could I continue living in a city that had pieces that would constantly remind me of Brady?

  All good questions and answers I needed to decide on before Nana had anything drawn up. I honestly didn’t even know if it were my friends’ intentions to continue living here. Owen probably would. Matt did construction so he could live anywhere. Once Sarah got her teaching degree, she could live anywhere, though if she and Matt stayed together, one would leave with the other. Rory would probably stay, seeing as how she loved the bar life and had no plans to do anything else.