Reprieve

by A. E. Woodward

  “You can’t do this.”

  “I know.”

  “I’ll see you later.” His eyes soften slightly and I feel like he understands how I’m feeling. Or at least something of what I’m feeling.

  I nod. But then panic ensues. “We don’t have a session today.”

  His eyebrows rise in surprise and I find myself second-guessing my earlier thought. Does he not realize how much I need him? How hard it is to stay away? “It’s going to be fine,” he says quickly, turning toward the door.

  “So when will I see you?”

  With his hand on the doorknob he freezes in place. “As soon as I can, Tegan. I promise.”

  I walk away, more than brokenhearted. Ashamed, and with my tail between my legs, I make my way to one of the many common areas we have here. I know I can’t be alone right now. I’m too fragile. I might do something stupid, and that thought alone makes me feel even more depressed. I have never been that girl—the girl who mopes around after a guy. I’m the girl who picks guys up, uses them, then goes along her merry way. Is this what it felt like to be them? I wondered to myself as I finally reach the television room. Shaking the unsettling thought from my head I plop down onto the couch amidst a bunch of other people I really couldn’t care less about.

  I lose myself in my swirling thoughts, not really looking at the TV but at the wall it hangs on instead. So focused am I that I almost don’t notice him sit down next to me. Snapped out of my own world my head spins, expecting to see him. But it’s not Asher. Instead I’m greeted with a wide smile, perfectly lined up beneath thick black-rimmed glasses. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around,” he says excitedly.

  I want to throat punch him. He’s entirely too excited to be here, and entirely too chipper for me to be around right now. Or at all.

  “Name’s Luke.” He sticks his hand out in front of me. “Drug of choice: Adderall.”

  Is that even a real thing?

  Like he’s reading my mind, he goes on. “I know, lame. But when you don’t need it and you take it in order to stay up late and study it turns out it’s not that great for you.”

  He looks at me expectantly and I realize this is the point where I’m supposed to share. So I pull on my big girl panties, shake his hand and say my piece. “Tegan.” I pause, not sure at this point what my drug of choice is. Heroin? Sex? Asher? I go with the thing that led me here. “Heroin addict.”

  “Former,” he adds with a smile. “You’re a former heroin addict.”

  I shrug.

  He leans close to me and whispers, “I hope you’re not relapsing, because I heard they kick you out of here if you do.” I already know that. But I don’t tell him. Instead I sit and listen to his incessant talk. While initially annoying, it’s actually a welcome distraction and after a while I find myself amused by my newfound friend. He talks so fast that I wonder if he’s still on Adderall, but then I notice he’s too “with it” to still be a junkie and I belatedly attribute his energy level to the large cup of coffee in his hand.

  “You know they say a caffeine addiction is just as bad as any drug.” I gesture down to the cup perched on his thigh.

  He glances down and shrugs.

  “I mean, c’mon, didn’t you ever see Saved By The Bell?” I tease. “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so . . . so . . . scared.”

  He chuckles at my god-awful Jessie Spano impression before answering, “Of course I did.” Suddenly, he gasps. “Oh my God, you’re right. Caffeine is bad. I mean look at Jesse Spano—she ended up stripping!”

  We both laugh at his joke, even though it wasn’t really that funny. “That was almost as weak as my Adderall addiction.”

  There’s more laughter on my part and I feel wet at my eyes. But for once, this is a good sign—a welcome one. Once I regain my composure, I sigh. “Thanks, Luke, I needed a good laugh.”

  “I could tell.”

  We sit silently for a moment before I look up to find him still looking at me, a dopey smile on his face. “I’m glad you sat down.”

  “Me too.”

  I stand and stretch my hand above my head, stretching my tense muscles. For a brief moment I almost forgot about my issues. Almost. “Well, I’ve gotta go figure some shit out.”

  He stands to say his good-bye, like a gentleman would and nods once, his smile tightening and his eyes narrow on me. “I could tell that too.”

  “I’ll see you around,” I say, and it almost comes out like a question. I don’t know how far into the program he is, or how much longer he may have left here. For all I know, he could be leaving tonight.

  Understanding my statement, he points to himself and says, “That you will. Thirty-four days left to go.”

  “Great,” I say, then realize that sounds bad and I don’t want to offend him, especially after he’s just been so nice. “Wait, no, I don’t mean ‘Great, you’ve got thirty-four days left, I—”

  He chuckles gently. “I know what you mean, Tegan.”

  “Right.” I laugh at my stupidity. “Well, thanks again. You know, for the distraction and everything.”

  “Anytime.” And the way he says it makes me believe he’s genuine. I haven’t spent a lot of my life around genuine people so I’m not a great judge, but something about Luke tells me he means well, and I could use someone like him in my life right now.

  I flick him a small wave and then turn on my heels and walk toward my room. As I approach the door, panic settles in my stomach again and I realize I should’ve stayed in the TV room. My room isn’t going to help my situation at the moment. I’ve made a fool of myself, chasing Asher down when we didn’t even have a session and in doing so, risked both of us being caught. Basically, I’ve royally fucked things up. I just hope it’s fixable. But without knowing when I’ll next see him, it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He usually schedules our next session at the end of our appointments, but that hadn’t happened. Catching sight of my door at the end of the hall, a lump forms at the back of my throat and my heart races in my chest. I can’t go in there and not think about him. Everything in that room reminds me of him. If I sit at my small desk, I’ll see the window. The window where he helped me escape. If I try to sleep and put my head on my pillow, I’ll smell the faint scent that is all Asher, and think about falling asleep next to him, and waking up next to him.

  I stop in my tracks and spin around, marching myself into the TV room and taking the seat next to Luke, who’s still there, looking at the TV. I pull a cushion from behind my back and hug it tightly to my chest. My eyes are on the TV but that doesn’t mean I don’t notice him looking at me out of the corner of his eyes and giving me a sympathetic smile. “You’re back,” he says to the TV.

  I shrug, knowing he can see me and not trusting my voice not to break. I pause for a beat or two, pressing my tongue to the roof of my mouth, waiting for the tingling behind my eyelids to subside before I say, “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll just sit here with you for a while.”

  “I don’t mind at all.”

  Before I can say thanks, he hands me the remote and directs his attention back to the reality TV show blasting on the screen. I could change the channel but let’s face it, I’m not really watching anyway. So we sit quietly together, both of us staring at the nonsense unfolding in front of us, neither of us feeling the need to fill the silence with meaningless words. I smile to myself.

  I think I just made my first post-addiction friend.

  AFTER SPENDING THE day with Luke watching ridiculous reality TV I’m ready for something to eat so we hit the dining hall, together. We discuss our addictions as well as the work we’ve been doing since we got here. Turns out Luke and I share something in common: we both work with Asher. Luke seems to be appreciative of Asher as he talks about him and the hard work they’ve been doing together.

  “How do you like him?” he asks, shoveling a spoonful of Jell-O into his mouth and I feel the heat rush to my face, hoping to God that Luke doesn’t pick up on i
t. From the little interaction we’ve had he seems pretty astute, and the last thing I need right now is to have to answer any awkward questions about me and Asher when I still don’t know if there even is a me and Asher. So I go with a noncommittal, “Oh, um, he’s been really helpful.”

  Boy, you have no idea.

  Memories of tangled limbs, groping hands, and bodies slick with perspiration flash through my mind and the familiar ache returns in the pit of my stomach. I clench my thighs together and try to concentrate on the food in front of me.

  It doesn’t work.

  “I’m not feeling so well,” I lie, tossing my spoon onto my tray and scrambling to my feet. I’m not convincing myself with my blasé attitude toward Asher and I know if I stay here and continue to talk about him, I’ll either give the game away or spontaneously combust. The first would be disastrous, the second, just plan embarrassing. I shoot Luke a weak smile and take my tray. I’m about to turn when I feel his hand at my elbow and I stop. Luke looks at me and, keeping his hand on me, slides his chair back and gets to his feet. He looks at me with concern; his eyes narrowed and his jaw tight.

  “Want me to help you back to your room?” he asks, his hand still touching me.

  I shake my head, stepping back and out of his grasp. Asher could walk in at any second. “No thanks, I’ll manage.”

  “You sure?”

  I nod. “Thanks again for everything today, Luke. It was nice to hang out.”

  “Of course.” He drops back down into his seat and shovels more Jell-O into his mouth. “See you around, Tegan,” he says through a mouthful.

  I offer up a small wave before returning my tray and walking as fast as I can back to my room. I fumble with the lock briefly before it pops and I fall through the door. More visions of Asher on top of me flash through my mind and I slam the door behind me, my head falling back against the wood as I slide down until my ass is nearly on the floor. My heart slams against my chest and I struggle to breathe as memory after memory floods through my mind.

  The way his fingers burned when he touched me, so much so that I swear I can still feel it, the paths he traced all over my body lighting up my skin, sending a delicious shiver right down my spine and between my legs. The way he practically stole breath from my mouth in his eagerness to kiss me, and the way I kissed him back with abandon, not caring how wanton I was behaving or how desperate I might seem. The absolute euphoria I’d felt knowing that I was bringing a man like Asher to his knees, making him succumb to the most basic of human instincts by doing nothing more than being myself and showing him how much I wanted him.

  I need air.

  I stumble to the window and open it wide, allowing the breeze to hit my face, taking deep gulping breaths, my heartbeat running away with me, making me dizzy.

  “Where have you been?” The voice in front of me is so deep and sharp that it scares me half to death.

  Even though I know who it is, I fall backward to the floor, my ass hitting the ground with a loud thud but I don’t tear my gaze from the window as I say, “Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me.”

  “Now we’re even.”

  I know what he’s getting at. I rattled him, showing up at his door while he was in session today. “I guess I deserve that,” I concede, finding my way back to my feet and leaning my forearms against the window frame. He sighs and places his hands against the sill, holding his body off the ground and I move out of the way and watch in amazement as he lifts up, swinging himself through the window.

  “Shut that,” he commands. “And lock the door.”

  I do as he asks without question and then, not knowing what else to do, I sit on my bed, waiting for him to speak. Seconds that feel like hours pass before he finally clears his throat, demanding my attention. “You can’t ever do that again,” he scolds harshly. I hang my head in shame. I can’t look him in the face. I can’t see the disappointment in his eyes. It would kill me.

  “I know that,” I whisper. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “I do.” He places his finger at my jawline, tipping my chin until I’m looking at him. “The pull between us, it’s strong. Trust me, I feel it too.”

  His mouth slams against mine hard, the force causing me to fall backward. He drops a knee to the bed and his arm at my waist pulls me closer. Pinning me against the comforter with his hips, his body never leaves mine, our mouths dancing together in perfect harmony. “I’m sorry,” I mumble against his mouth.

  He nips my bottom lip with his teeth. “Don’t be. It’s done.” Grabbing the hem of my shirt, he quickly lifts it over my head, the fabric grazing my skin with a rush of air, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind. He wastes no time in tugging at the waistband of my shorts, drawing them down my legs, leaving me exposed to him in just my bra and panties. Leaning down, Asher kisses every inch of my exposed skin with his mouth and as his hot breath coats my body I moan softly, the tension between my legs building with every kiss.

  This time feels different than all the others. There’s a harshness behind every kiss, an almost angry enthusiasm. His passion is more intense than ever as his hands squeeze my hips tightly in a way that I know the skin will be tender tomorrow. There is an urgency I want to understand, yet I don’t ask questions because to do that would mean distracting him and, right now, I need for him to take whatever it is he wants from me because, by God, I want it too.

  He lifts his head from my legs and looks at me with hooded eyes, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip. “I want you to know that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you and this body, all damn day.”

  I feel guilty because for a moment, no matter how brief, I had stopped thinking about him. He hooks his fingers in the material of my panties and pulls them down slowly, my chest heaving with heavy pants watching his eyes take in my creamy skin. His eyes hold mine captive. I can’t look away, not even when I feel his hot breath on the insides of my thighs as he tosses my legs over his shoulder, sliding his tongue inside of me. He groans and his eyelids close, the heat within my stomach building, growing into something amazing, my back arching off the bed as I writhe in ecstasy. His hands grip my hips tightly, pinning me to the bed as he laps at me, my whimper uncontrollable as a heat spikes through my entire body, hotter than I ever thought imaginable, and when he thrusts a finger inside of me, I come undone, my body quivering as waves of ecstasy rip through my core.

  Still panting, I’m barely down from my high when he grabs my hips and flips me over like a ragdoll and I fall to my hands and knees, my muscles shaking under the weight of me. He senses this and just before I collapse, he places an arm under my waist pulling me back against him and I feel him, thick and hard against my ass. He hovers at my entrance, teasing me for a second before he sinks himself to the hilt. I gasp at the overwhelming feeling of fullness and every stroke sends me further into a trance, silencing me. The only sound in the room is the sound of our heavy breathing, our slick skin slapping as he pounds into me, over and over.

  Pure bliss.

  After an eternity of teasing, his pace quickens and his fingers bite into my skin. I moan as he grinds against me, the sound causing his thrusts to falter momentarily before he’s back, moving faster, harder, searching for his release. My arms give out and my head falls to my pillow. I bury my face in the feathers allowing myself to let out the cries I’ve been holding back as he slams into me one final time, his body going rigid as his orgasm sweeps through his body. And then he stills, taking in a deep breath before collapsing onto the bed next to me. I move my head to the side, allowing myself to look at him. His eyes are closed. Beads of sweat drip from his forehead.

  “You intoxicate me,” he mutters without even opening his eyes.

  A satisfied smile spreads across my face. “So I’ve been told.”

  He opens his eyes and they meet mine. Slowly he reaches up and tucks a strand of my disheveled hair behind my ear. “It’s like I’m drunk on you, every hour of every day. No matter what.”
/>
  Understanding how he feels, I lean down and place a soft kiss against his lips. “If this is drunk, I don’t ever want to be sober.”

  He sighs, giving me a short sharp squeeze before moving to his clothes, tugging them back on. I watch his muscles ripple as he puts each article back in place. He turns around and looks at me, fastening his pants with a practiced ease, and my stomach does a little flip knowing exactly how expertly he can use those fingers for other things too. Caught in my daydream, I almost miss it when he says quietly, “I wish I didn’t have to but I’ve got to go, Tegan.”

  While the thought of him leaving doesn’t please me, knowing that he’s here even though I royally fucked things up earlier puts me at ease. A sigh leaves my lips as I adjust my head on the pillow. “Why?” I already knew the answer. It’s the middle of the day and there is too much at risk.

  “Because I think we both could use a little cooling off tonight.”

  My eyes go wide. “What are you talking about?”

  “I can’t explain it.”

  “I deserve something.”

  He nods. “This thing between you and I . . . it’s making me lose sight of what I’ve been working for. And if whatever we have is to continue I’ve got to get my head back on straight.”

  Even though I don’t agree with him I manage a slight nod. He’s risking a lot to be with me and I know if there is any chance for us, I have to let him have his space. We can’t run the risk of being caught because he’s slacking at work, and at this moment in time I’d rather have a small piece of Asher than not have him at all.

  He touches his fingers to my lips and then I watch on helplessly as he leaves the same way he came in. I pull the comforter up around my body and, smelling him on my sheets, crack a small smile. Sure, we’re playing a dangerous game, Asher and I, but right now, I feel like we’re winning.