Embassy War

by Walter Knight

  “It’s so nice of you to give up your tickets!” exclaimed Queen Rainbow, kissing the intelligence officer on his mandible, and excitedly following His Majesty down the stairs to courtside. “Everyone who is anyone is here. Oh honey, I’m so happy to be out of that box! Go Globetrotters!”

  “We are cheering for the home team,” admonished the Emperor. “Remember your position.”

  “Yes, dear,” answered the Queen as she ran off to greet and hug Lulu.

  The Emperor let Queen Rainbow run amuck. Better she give Lulu an earful than him. A marine security detail chased after her. The spider all-stars, having finished their warm-ups, were seated directly in front of the Emperor. He leaned forward and tapped one of the players on the back. “I expect you to win this game, or else!” threatened the Emperor. “I have money riding on you.”

  “We will try,” replied the startled spider player. “But you know the human pestilence Globetrotters have won over ten thousand games in a row.”

  “What? That is impossible. If this game is fixed, heads will roll!”

  “It is their ball handling,” explained the spider player. “Globetrotters pass the ball at the speed of light.”

  “We shall see about that,” commented the Emperor, upset. “Speed of light indeed! You have eight hands and feet. You have eyes in the back of your head. Your superior evolutionary exoskeleton design gives you a distinct advantage. I expect superior ball handling and passing, or else. Do your Empire proud!”

  “Yes, Your Majesty.”

  * * * * *

  Skyhook Johnson captivated the crowd with his skilful dribbling and quick ball handling. An artist with a basketball, Skyhook was the de facto leader of the Globetrotters. He relished the spotlight, and all eyes were on him as he put on another fine performance for his fans, literally running circles around the spider all-stars.

  Skyhook waved to the adoring crowd as he dribbled. With the lead secured, the Globetrotters now performed their antics. Skyhook grabbed the jersey of the spiders’ team captain, stretching the fabric several feet until the referee finally called a foul. As the spider player stood at the foul line, preparing for a free-throw shot, Skyhook snuck behind and pulled down one of the spider’s socks.

  Annoyed, the spider player kicked at Skyhook but continued concentrating on his free-throw attempt. Skyhook darted in to pull down another sock. This time the spider player turned to confront Skyhook, chasing him past the three-point circle. Skyhook was too quick to be caught, taunting the spider player from afar. The crowd loved it, cheering loudly.

  The spider player returned to the free-throw line. This time he kept one of his eight eyes pointed at Skyhook. The shot was up ... and missed! Skyhook clapped his hands, edging closer to the spider player. Skyhook rushed forward to grab the spider player’s sock again, but this time grabbed his shorts, pulling them down. The spider player was furious, taking a vicious swipe at Skyhook with his claw. Skyhook avoided injury by deftly dancing back. He turned his back on the spider and waved again to the crowd.

  The spider player threw the basketball at Skyhook, striking him in the back. Both benches cleared, followed by a lot of shouting and shoving. When order was restored, the spider basketball player returned the free-throw line.

  Skyhook made a great show of apologizing to the spider player, extending his hand to shake hand to claw. They both publicly made amends, and play resumed. Skyhook tossed the basketball to the spider player. However, the ball fell short, bursting into a million ceramic pieces in front of the spider player.

  Having switched the basketball for a ceramic ball, Skyhook now waved to the cheering crowd, celebrating his latest gag. The referee was not amused, and called a technical foul on Skyhook for delay of game.

  Seeming out of character, Skyhook became enraged at being cited with a technical foul. He picked up a bucket from the bench and threatened to douse the spider referee with its contents. Mortified, the ref ran in the opposite direction, with Skyhook chasing close behind. They ran the entire perimeter of the basketball court, fans on each side cheering as they passed.

  Suddenly the referee angled toward the spider all-stars’ bench. Arthropodan marines jumped up, forming a barrier protecting the Emperor. Annoyed, the Emperor yelled in displeasure, “Sit down you fools, I cannot see the show!”

  “Your Majesty, that human pestilence intends to throw a bucket of water,” responded a spider officer. “We will not allow royalty to be assaulted by the human pestilence.”

  “Nonsense!” replied the Emperor. “I have seen this show on human pestilence Satellite TV! It is just a gag for our amusement. The bucket only contains harmless paper confetti. Sit down, or else!”

  As the spider marines lowered their guard, the referee ran straight toward the all-star bench. Skyhook, close on his heels, threw the bucket contents. Green Gatorade missed the referee and doused His Majesty.

  A dozen spider marines rushed forward, grabbing Skyhook, knocking him the floor, and stomping the Globetrotter into unconsciousness. Skyhook was kicked so hard, his diamond stud earring popped out and skittered across the floor. Globetrotters, along with human fans and armed legionnaires from the honor guard, raced to save Skyhook. Several shots were fired, dispersing the crowd surrounding Skyhook. Sensing another riot about to take place, the spider Intelligentsia officer grabbed a microphone, trying to calm the crowd and establish authority. “By order of the Emperor, order will be restored immediately! By Imperial Decree, the human pestilence ‘World Trotters’ basketball team forfeits this game for unsporting and uncivilized-like conduct! The offending Skyhook is under arrest for assaulting the royal personage of His Majesty, and will be tried and executed at dawn! Go home. The show is over!”

  Corporal Tonelli, until now quietly watching and counting his profits, grabbed the microphone from the Intelligentsia officer and yelled, “Oh no you don’t! You can’t fix this game!”

  “The Emperor’s Decree is law!” replied the Intelligentsia officer. “Our all-stars win. Your human pestilence World Trotters lose. I win my bet! Pay up. Do not try to worm out of it. I will collect my due!”

  “Not likely,” responded Corporal Tonelli. “All bets were registered and bonded through Bonanno Bookies and Associates of New Memphis. This matter will go to binding arbitration before any payouts are authorized.”

  “You cheat!” accused the Intelligentsia officer, poking his claw at Corporal Tonelli. “Guido, you will not get away with welshing on our wager! You will be arrested if you do not pay up!”

  “Read the fine print on the back of your receipt,” advised Guido. “Disputes are handled by binding arbitration. It’s the law. I think it’s even in the Constitution, somewhere in the Bill of Rights.”

  “You will join Skyhook in front of a firing squad!” “You want a war? Mess with me, and I’ll have the Mafia on you!” “There is no such thing as the Mafia,” scoffed the Intelligentsia officer. “I have heard you say that a million times!” “I lied. The Mafia is everywhere, and they will invoke the Vendetta if anything happens to me!” The Intelligentsia officer paused, looking about, half expecting to be rushed by a mob of human pestilence sub-category Italiano. Not seeing any swarthy human pestilence about, he brightened. “You bluff. Your Mafia is a paper tiger, just like your Foreign Legion and your Uncle Sam!”

  “You don’t know what are talking about,” warned Guido. “You better watch your back.”

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  Chapter 3

  General Lopez called me on my communications pad. “What is this?” he fumed. “I’m watching the game on TV, and suddenly there’s another riot? That’s two riots this week! What are you going to do about Skyhook? The man is a national hero, an icon for little kids! We can’t allow Skyhook to be treated like that. Are they really going to execute Skyhook at dawn?”

  I ignored General Lopez at first, pushing my way through the crowd. I could see Skyhook being carried off by spider marines, but could not get to him. The crowd was upset. Sca
ttered fights broke out among gamblers. The Emperor quickly left. I looked about, helpless to do anything. I spied Guido and the Intelligentsia officer arguing.

  “I’m working on it,” I finally answered Lopez, still upset.

  “Do you realize how much money I lose if the Globetrotters forfeit?” asked General Lopez. “I bet on a sure thing against those dumb bendaho spiders, and this happens! Do something!”

  I disconnected as I approached Guido and the Intelligentsia officer. “I want Skyhook released immediately,” I demanded. “His illegal arrest will not be tolerated!”

  “I assure you there is nothing illegal about the arrest of your human pestilence assassin thug, Skyhook,” replied the Intelligentsia officer. “Do not worry about legalities. A magistrate will review the matter before Skyhook is executed at dawn.”

  “I want to be present at his hearing!”

  “And so you shall,” promised the Intelligentsia officer smugly. “We believe in due process in the Empire. No one on Arthropoda has ever been lynched, unlike your sorry legal system.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I replied, poking the Intelligentsia officer. “I’m bringing a Legion attorney, too. You will be in big trouble if anything happens to Skyhook!”

  “Whatever,” taunted the Intelligentsia officer as I tromped off.

  * * * * *

  Something shiny caught the Intelligentsia officer’s rear eye. He turned and picked up a large diamond stud earring from the floor. How beautiful and exotic, even if it is human pestilence in design, he thought. The Intelligentsia officer attached the diamond stud to a spur of his exoskeleton near his hearing receptor – a trophy of war.

  * * * * *

  Two hours later, Legion attorney Anthony Depoli and I arrived at Intelligentsia State Security Headquarters to bail out Skyhook. Skyhook’s face was badly swollen from the beating, and he complained that his ribs were bruised. We sat down, surrounded by angry spider marines. A spider judge’s image appeared on a flat TV screen monitor hanging on the wall. The judge wore a pink wrinkled bathrobe and was brushing his fangs with one of our new electric toothbrushes.

  “This proceeding will begin,” announced the judge, looking directly into the screen. “What does the human pestilence, Skyhook Johnson, have to say for himself?”

  “Man, I didn’t do nothin’!” cried Skyhook. “You’re just pickin’ on me because I’m human!”

  “I saw the game on TV,” responded the judge. “I find you guilty of assault on His Majesty, Our Sovereign Emperor For Life. How dare you! The human pestilence will be executed at dawn, as set forth earlier by Royal Decree.”

  Spider marine guards immediately grabbed Skyhook.

  “Wait!” shouted attorney Depoli, sliding a communications pad on the table in front of Skyhook. “Sign this!”

  Skyhook signed the document without reading. The fine print was too small, anyway. “What was that?” asked Skyhook as he shoved a spider marine.

  “Place your thumb on the ID space,” instructed Depoli.

  Skyhook lunged forward, placing his thumb on the pad. A small pin prick splattered a droplet of blood across the glass. “Ouch!” exclaimed Skyhook as he was pulled back. “What was that all about?”

  Depoli triumphantly waved the communications pad above his head for all to see.

  “Your Honor, my client just enlisted in the United States Galactic Federation Foreign Legion and is presently assigned to Embassy security duty here on Arthropoda. By treaty, his new status as a legionnaire gives Skyhook Johnson diplomatic immunity!”

  The spider marines backed away.

  “Oh, hell, no!” said Skyhook, rising to his feet. “Somebody shoot me!”

  “Are you serious?” asked the judge. “Mr. Johnson’s status is listed on his worker visa as temporary visitor. Manufacturing this phony ruse to avoid capital felony charges will not be accepted by the court.”

  “I can assure you, Your Excellency,” I interrupted, “that Private Johnson’s enlistment is no ruse. Private Johnson has enlisted into the Legion for the duration. It is a capital offense for him to be absent without leave.”

  “They just brought back slavery!” objected Skyhook. “I didn’t know what I was signing.” “Quiet,” whispered Depoli. “We are trying to save your life.” “Not by joining the Legion, you aren’t,” argued Skyhook. “Your Honor, I’m a conscientious objector.” “It appears Mr. Skyhook Johnson does not want to join your Legion,” commented the judge. “That doesn’t matter,” I replied. “The Legion is the same as your marines. Once you have enlisted, you’re in. There is no getting out for the duration of hostilities and until your enlistment has expired. Trust me, the latter never happens because the former never ceases. I should know.”

  “I’ll show you hostilities!” threatened Skyhook, poking a long arm at me. I ducked away from his lunge.

  “Case is dismissed, pending refiling of charges by the Emperor,” announced the judge, pounding a claw on his desk. “But the court will be monitoring Private Johnson’s Legion status before he is allowed to leave Arthropoda.”

  “That is preposterous!” shouted the Intelligentsia officer. “The human pestilence lies. They always lie. They cannot help themselves. It is in their DNA to lie!”

  “I am going back to bed,” advised the judge. “Do not wake me up in the middle of the night again!” The monitor went blank. “I want my stud back!” shouted Skyhook. “That fool is wearing my stud!” Enraged, the Intelligentsia officer drew his sidearm, aiming at Skyhook. I lunged, grabbing the Intelligentsia officer’s wrist, causing the bullet to go wide and strike attorney Depoli in the shoulder. Chaos and confusion ensued, followed by spider marines separating the Intelligentsia officer from Depoli and escorting both out the building. Medics returned Depoli to the USGF Embassy. Charges were not filed for the assault on Depoli. Spider prosecutors cited an obscure dueling statute that made it legal for plaintiffs and defendants to shoot attorneys. I wasn’t a lawyer, but it sounded like a reasonable law to me. The good news was that the Legion just got another fine new recruit, Private Skyhook Johnson. He had some rough edges, but I was sure he’d work out. Look at me. At first I did not want to join the Legion, but I turned out just fine.

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  Chapter 4

  The American Embassy on Arthropoda was a huge terrorist-proof fortress/bunker complex, surrounded by a berm and a twenty-foot wall. Inside, no expense was spared to provide staff all the comforts of home, including an Olympic-size swimming pool, a movie theater, library, tavern, cafeteria, rose garden, access to the Galactic Database, and a five-star McDonald’s Fine Dining Restaurant.

  Even so, it was the nature of young legionnaires to get bored and feel the need to seek out the local hot spots. I routinely counseled legionnaires on the need for protection, while reminding them that each and every one of them was a high profile emissary of American culture and humanity. I led my men by setting a good example, not drinking or gambling to excess. However, lonely legionnaires far from home often made poor decisions, despite my best intentions.

  I entered the Flaming Mantidae Bar & Grill to have a beer and listen to weird spider music. Being a master spy, mixing with the troops and interacting with spiders was part of my duties as commander.

  Tonight, spiders and Legionnaires were partying amicably enough. No fights had broken out yet, but it was still early. I sat at a poker game in the corner.

  “You have been playing very well,” complained Red Eye Jack, a spider regular at the Flaming Mantidae. “It is almost as if you could read our minds.”

  “Are you accusing me of something?” I asked nervously, trying to stare down Red Eye Jack. It’s not easy staring down an alien staring back with eight eyes. I adjusted my sunglasses. “Or are you just trying to start a fight?”

  “Let me see those glasses,” demanded Red Eye Jack. “I heard Legion officers are all cheaters.”

  “If you think you can take my sunglasses, don’t let fear or commo
n sense hold you back!” I replied, standing and posturing for the crowd.

  A spider gave me a shove from behind and snatched my sunglasses. I fell across the poker table, scattering chips and money. Captain Perkins, playing at my side, broke a beer bottle over the spider’s head, then threatened Red Eye Jack with its jagged edges. Spider bouncers quickly threw a web over us, beating us down with batons and boots. Perkins, Red Eye Jack, and I were all wrapped in cocoons and left hanging upside down from the rafters. The injured spider, unconscious and bleeding, was tossed out the back door into the alley.

  * * * * *

  I had hoped to be able to keep an eye on my legionnaires tonight. No matter. I could still see most, albeit from an odd angle. Occasionally a spider would pass by to give me a push, amused by the human pestilence swaying back and forth.

  Corporal Krueger, the shortest legionnaire in my command, and Corporal John Iwo Jima Wayne, the largest spider legionnaire, entered the Flaming Mantidae, looking for females. Krueger was already drunk. He waved, giving me the one-fingered salute.

  * * * * *

  “You’re my wingman,” advised Krueger, as he and Wayne approached the bar. A row of young exotic female spiders lined the bar. A spider bartender polished the wood bar top with a rag. Krueger leaned on the bar between two females and ordered. “We’ll both have vodkas!” Krueger nodded to the females and deftly asked, “Can I buy any of you lovely bugs a drink?”